Sam and Snow
A baseball story of determination28 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I'm glad you are telling us of how you adopted Snow! So are you Sam? What a great opener. I am guessing this is just part 1 of a series of the book/story?
This is a heartwarming story and I loved your mouth-watering opener with the breakfast. I also love that you have Sam volunteer at the shelter something that would give kids a sense of helping the community.
My grandkids play baseball but I don't know how many do or would relate to the story today. Your story really fits our generation of reading. I am still puzzling as to how to reach today's kids.
Punctuation comments:
Snows tweener, a child in middle school. (Snow's) possessive
previous owners, the Brannigan's (Brannigans) Plural
and Snows sheer playfulness, (Snow's) also comma before 'and'
tail wagged non stop. (nonstop)
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I'm glad you are telling us of how you adopted Snow! So are you Sam? What a great opener. I am guessing this is just part 1 of a series of the book/story?
This is a heartwarming story and I loved your mouth-watering opener with the breakfast. I also love that you have Sam volunteer at the shelter something that would give kids a sense of helping the community.
My grandkids play baseball but I don't know how many do or would relate to the story today. Your story really fits our generation of reading. I am still puzzling as to how to reach today's kids.
Punctuation comments:
Snows tweener, a child in middle school. (Snow's) possessive
previous owners, the Brannigan's (Brannigans) Plural
and Snows sheer playfulness, (Snow's) also comma before 'and'
tail wagged non stop. (nonstop)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Yes, my first attempt at a book.
Thank you for reading, commenting snd corrections. I appreciate your time, Helen.
John
Comment from country ranch writer
Well my friend you are off to a good start enjoyed catching up with you and reading your post.
Keep up the great work love happy rescue stories like this one here.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Well my friend you are off to a good start enjoyed catching up with you and reading your post.
Keep up the great work love happy rescue stories like this one here.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much, Barbara. I appreciate your kind words.
John
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed reading your newest post on baseball, John.
I believed your topic was interesting and would lend
itself to further expansion. You gave reader some great
details. IF I were to make a suggestion, then I would begin
the story with Sam yelling to mom about the missing socks.
Then include what mom was making for breakfast and the
rest of the story. I would've liked to see more about how Snow
was adopted--maybe that's for the next chapter. I'm not sure
about the use of the word tweener. I believe Sam is a girl.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I enjoyed reading your newest post on baseball, John.
I believed your topic was interesting and would lend
itself to further expansion. You gave reader some great
details. IF I were to make a suggestion, then I would begin
the story with Sam yelling to mom about the missing socks.
Then include what mom was making for breakfast and the
rest of the story. I would've liked to see more about how Snow
was adopted--maybe that's for the next chapter. I'm not sure
about the use of the word tweener. I believe Sam is a girl.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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That?s a great observation, Jan. Sam is a girl, revealed in the next chapter. Also, your suggestion to change the beginning makes a whole lot of sense. More info about Snow will come.
Thanks. This is the type of review I was looking for.
John
Comment from Teri7
I read and reread this story. I didn't see anything that needed correcting. I enjoyed reading it. You used very good dialogue, very good imagery and very good descriptive words. Looking forward to the next chapter. Thank you for sharing. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I read and reread this story. I didn't see anything that needed correcting. I enjoyed reading it. You used very good dialogue, very good imagery and very good descriptive words. Looking forward to the next chapter. Thank you for sharing. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Wow! Thank you Teri. Your review is most appreciated.
John
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi John, a fun story. Your food descriptions always make me hungry. Good thing that I had my breakfast.
Of special note:
Moments later Sam and Snow, their four-year old golden retriever, came bouncing down the stairs.
(As I was reading the above line, I thought...who is snow? Perhaps, some type of a hint that there was also a dog upstairs would fine tune the introduction, e.g. the mention of a barking dog or while calling up to Sam where her baseball equipment is, a reminder that she has to walk Sam before leaving for baseball. In any case, after I re-read the sentence, I followed the story.)
Also, "Only under one condition..." I'm assuming the story will be continued and come full cycle back to preparing and leaving for baseball."
As always, good descriptive writing, and a feel good story. I liked the visit to the Bark'n Dog. After looking at the photo, I'm just realizing that Sam is a girl. Nice play on the name. Well done. Looking forward to reading more. Margaret
p.s. just changed he to she. Was that correct????
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Hi John, a fun story. Your food descriptions always make me hungry. Good thing that I had my breakfast.
Of special note:
Moments later Sam and Snow, their four-year old golden retriever, came bouncing down the stairs.
(As I was reading the above line, I thought...who is snow? Perhaps, some type of a hint that there was also a dog upstairs would fine tune the introduction, e.g. the mention of a barking dog or while calling up to Sam where her baseball equipment is, a reminder that she has to walk Sam before leaving for baseball. In any case, after I re-read the sentence, I followed the story.)
Also, "Only under one condition..." I'm assuming the story will be continued and come full cycle back to preparing and leaving for baseball."
As always, good descriptive writing, and a feel good story. I liked the visit to the Bark'n Dog. After looking at the photo, I'm just realizing that Sam is a girl. Nice play on the name. Well done. Looking forward to reading more. Margaret
p.s. just changed he to she. Was that correct????
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Sami?s a girl which is revealed in the next chapter.
I appreciate your suggestions. I?m listing them all on a separate paper. This is exactly the type of review I was looking for.
John
Comment from w.j.debi
You have a great narrative voice that draws the reader in. The four characters come across as believable. Excellent dialog.
You ask for suggestions
1. I haven't heard anyone say "in a jif" in years, especially a teenager.
2. I felt the first part of the story concentrated on getting ready for the baseball game. Then there is a rather abrupt change to how Snow was adopted. It needs a smoother transition. Or, if this a book, move the story of the dog's adoption to the next chapter and concentrate on getting to the game in this one.
Just suggestions. This is your story and it is enjoyable so far. Please continue. I would like to read more.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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You have a great narrative voice that draws the reader in. The four characters come across as believable. Excellent dialog.
You ask for suggestions
1. I haven't heard anyone say "in a jif" in years, especially a teenager.
2. I felt the first part of the story concentrated on getting ready for the baseball game. Then there is a rather abrupt change to how Snow was adopted. It needs a smoother transition. Or, if this a book, move the story of the dog's adoption to the next chapter and concentrate on getting to the game in this one.
Just suggestions. This is your story and it is enjoyable so far. Please continue. I would like to read more.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Debi, this is precisely the type of review I was looking for.
I really appreciate your time to read and share your suggestions with me.
John
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You love your baseball John and that breakfast would use my entire calories for a whole days intake, but it sounded so delicious, you guys know how to make a good breakfast that's for sure! A fun post and I felt I was there in the room watching all that excitement going on, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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You love your baseball John and that breakfast would use my entire calories for a whole days intake, but it sounded so delicious, you guys know how to make a good breakfast that's for sure! A fun post and I felt I was there in the room watching all that excitement going on, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much, Dolly. I?m attempting this as a book. My first go-round.
John
Comment from Faith Williams
This piece is well-written and made me hungry. The conversation between parents and son is highly relatable, as a parent. I had one just the other day with my high schooler regarding his track uniform.
But I think you need to remember your reader, middle schoolers, more specifically middle school boys. My first suggestion is to start the story with Sam, not the parents. Maybe tell this chapter from Sam's point of view upstairs in his room. Start it with the parents, and you may lose your reader.
The second suggestion is to be mindful of the details for your intended reader. Your opening paragraph is wonderfully detailed, for an adult. Middle schoolers aren't going to care about cinnamon churro coffee or Challah bread or egg nog batter. Most likely they won't know what Challah bread is and if you have too many of those details, they'll put the book down.
My third suggestion is to be mindful of lingo regarding your intended reader. 'Be there in a jif,' is not a phrase my current middle schooler would use. Or any of my kids, really. 'I'm coming' or 'Coming' or 'Gimme a minute' might work better.
My fourth suggestion is to weave the story about Snow's adoption into the family in a more natural way. Maybe Snow attends one of the games and another parent asks how the family got the dog?
I'm sorry. I feel like my review was on the harsh side, and I didn't mean it to be. As always, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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This piece is well-written and made me hungry. The conversation between parents and son is highly relatable, as a parent. I had one just the other day with my high schooler regarding his track uniform.
But I think you need to remember your reader, middle schoolers, more specifically middle school boys. My first suggestion is to start the story with Sam, not the parents. Maybe tell this chapter from Sam's point of view upstairs in his room. Start it with the parents, and you may lose your reader.
The second suggestion is to be mindful of the details for your intended reader. Your opening paragraph is wonderfully detailed, for an adult. Middle schoolers aren't going to care about cinnamon churro coffee or Challah bread or egg nog batter. Most likely they won't know what Challah bread is and if you have too many of those details, they'll put the book down.
My third suggestion is to be mindful of lingo regarding your intended reader. 'Be there in a jif,' is not a phrase my current middle schooler would use. Or any of my kids, really. 'I'm coming' or 'Coming' or 'Gimme a minute' might work better.
My fourth suggestion is to weave the story about Snow's adoption into the family in a more natural way. Maybe Snow attends one of the games and another parent asks how the family got the dog?
I'm sorry. I feel like my review was on the harsh side, and I didn't mean it to be. As always, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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It is not harsh at all. I thank you for this mindful review and suggestions.
This is my first book attempt, so I welcome the critiques as you provided, which I will look into!
Thank you again,
John
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I really enjoyed reading this story. I thought it was great and could see no way to improve it. Then I read your author's notes. My question, how much about the rescue of Snow is essential to the story about baseball? I loved that part and thought it fit right in, but then the story about baseball came up.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I really enjoyed reading this story. I thought it was great and could see no way to improve it. Then I read your author's notes. My question, how much about the rescue of Snow is essential to the story about baseball? I loved that part and thought it fit right in, but then the story about baseball came up.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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This middle school book will be mostly of baseball, but also will include Snow.
I don?t want to confuse the readers. Maybe the ensuing chapters will explain it better.
Thank you for your thoughts. That?s what I was hoping to get.
John
Comment from Sally Law
This is fabulous, and perfect for this age group. Honestly, I find no fault with this as a short story writer of FanStory past. I have turned more to my crime fiction and poetry these days, but I have over 100 short stories in my portfolio and awards for some of them are collecting dust in my office. (The only ones that look at them these days are my grandkids. LOL!)
That being said, I know a winner when I see one!
Sending you my best today as always and my very best for your writing endeavors.
Sal :)) xo
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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This is fabulous, and perfect for this age group. Honestly, I find no fault with this as a short story writer of FanStory past. I have turned more to my crime fiction and poetry these days, but I have over 100 short stories in my portfolio and awards for some of them are collecting dust in my office. (The only ones that look at them these days are my grandkids. LOL!)
That being said, I know a winner when I see one!
Sending you my best today as always and my very best for your writing endeavors.
Sal :)) xo
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Sally, thank you for the great, uplifting review. A confidence boost always helps.
Sorry for the late reply.
John