You Never Were on Time
A Timeless Betrayal37 total reviews
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hello Jessica!
Your vision for this poem blossoms as one looks closely; the patterns appear slowly, but when you see them, that feeling inside that appreciates a poet's skill ripens inside into profound joy. I read through several times, finding more and more with each read. Let me just get started in my typical random fashion:
---There is no poetry form indicated in the author's note, and I do not recognize one. This seemingly original format screams out for understanding. *claps hands and grins like a child* So, what I am seeing is one 14-syllable line broken into an 8 and 5, then a second full line of 14. This makes up a stanza, but it is not a true tercet because there is no rhyme scheme. This pattern is repeated all the way though until the end, with a rhyme scheme emerging through the middle line of each stanza. So, if one were to rearrange this to make all lines equal length and blend the rhyme scheme, it might appear as four quatrains made up of 14-syllable lines with a rhyme scheme of aaaa bbbb cccc dddd. I am not sure if you wrote it out in the quatrains first and just pulled it apart and rearranged it or if you wrote it the way it is and your talented poet's mind just created this complex pattern on its own.
---Now, the LAST thing I noticed was the repetition of the same phrase to start each line of the stanzas. This jumped out at me late, but I knew I was sensing this repetition even on my first read. As we have discussed already, repetition creates assonance, and in this case, you've created a sonic "rhyme" at the start of each line. Stunning!
---"You turned our father gray." --This is what clues me in to the relationship dynamic of the narrator and his/her subject. I am sensing a child condemning a mother on behalf of his- or herself and at least one other sibling. OR, it totally could also be a sibling condemning a sibling. This dual possibility adds more universality to the poem.
---:You chose to shoot that poison, smoke that death, and cross that line." --This brings us the fact of the betrayal, the "choice" to abuse hard drugs.
---"I tried, denied, I cried- I would have died to change your fate." --Yeah, you know what I'm going to say: ASSONANCE. This stream of verbs also shows the narrator's exasperation and desperation with the subject.
---Okay, so I have a question. Because of the high esteem I hold your skill and talent, I wanted to mention the breaking of the pattern for the last stanza. Instead of three lines, you have chosen to break the last line into another 8 and 5, creating four lines. Now, I can totally believe that you did this for effect, the breaking of the established pattern equating to the betrayal and the breaking of the symmetry of the relationship between the narrator and the subject. (the symmetry found in this line: "We had an understanding shared, but now it's only mine.") Now that I think about it, I am SURE you meant to do this. You are too careful and precise with your poems for something like this to be unintentional.
I have come to expect beauty, cleverness, and dense conventions in your poetry. Alas, you never disappoint. I am entering this competition as well, so I wish MYSELF the best of luck; for knowing this one is there, I feel I will need all I can get. *laughs*
My pleasure as always,
Patrick
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Hello Jessica!
Your vision for this poem blossoms as one looks closely; the patterns appear slowly, but when you see them, that feeling inside that appreciates a poet's skill ripens inside into profound joy. I read through several times, finding more and more with each read. Let me just get started in my typical random fashion:
---There is no poetry form indicated in the author's note, and I do not recognize one. This seemingly original format screams out for understanding. *claps hands and grins like a child* So, what I am seeing is one 14-syllable line broken into an 8 and 5, then a second full line of 14. This makes up a stanza, but it is not a true tercet because there is no rhyme scheme. This pattern is repeated all the way though until the end, with a rhyme scheme emerging through the middle line of each stanza. So, if one were to rearrange this to make all lines equal length and blend the rhyme scheme, it might appear as four quatrains made up of 14-syllable lines with a rhyme scheme of aaaa bbbb cccc dddd. I am not sure if you wrote it out in the quatrains first and just pulled it apart and rearranged it or if you wrote it the way it is and your talented poet's mind just created this complex pattern on its own.
---Now, the LAST thing I noticed was the repetition of the same phrase to start each line of the stanzas. This jumped out at me late, but I knew I was sensing this repetition even on my first read. As we have discussed already, repetition creates assonance, and in this case, you've created a sonic "rhyme" at the start of each line. Stunning!
---"You turned our father gray." --This is what clues me in to the relationship dynamic of the narrator and his/her subject. I am sensing a child condemning a mother on behalf of his- or herself and at least one other sibling. OR, it totally could also be a sibling condemning a sibling. This dual possibility adds more universality to the poem.
---:You chose to shoot that poison, smoke that death, and cross that line." --This brings us the fact of the betrayal, the "choice" to abuse hard drugs.
---"I tried, denied, I cried- I would have died to change your fate." --Yeah, you know what I'm going to say: ASSONANCE. This stream of verbs also shows the narrator's exasperation and desperation with the subject.
---Okay, so I have a question. Because of the high esteem I hold your skill and talent, I wanted to mention the breaking of the pattern for the last stanza. Instead of three lines, you have chosen to break the last line into another 8 and 5, creating four lines. Now, I can totally believe that you did this for effect, the breaking of the established pattern equating to the betrayal and the breaking of the symmetry of the relationship between the narrator and the subject. (the symmetry found in this line: "We had an understanding shared, but now it's only mine.") Now that I think about it, I am SURE you meant to do this. You are too careful and precise with your poems for something like this to be unintentional.
I have come to expect beauty, cleverness, and dense conventions in your poetry. Alas, you never disappoint. I am entering this competition as well, so I wish MYSELF the best of luck; for knowing this one is there, I feel I will need all I can get. *laughs*
My pleasure as always,
Patrick
Comment Written 24-Sep-2024
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a very dramatic and emotional poem, but then, betrayal would be. Some really good lines in this one Jessica - you chose to never have a choice - that one in particular has impact. Great writing, and good luck in the contest.
cheers,
valda
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This is a very dramatic and emotional poem, but then, betrayal would be. Some really good lines in this one Jessica - you chose to never have a choice - that one in particular has impact. Great writing, and good luck in the contest.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 24-Sep-2024
Comment from Harry Craft
Wow, Jessica. This is a very good poem. I love the rhyming and there is a very strong message in this poem too! I enjoyed reading this one. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!
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Wow, Jessica. This is a very good poem. I love the rhyming and there is a very strong message in this poem too! I enjoyed reading this one. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!
Comment Written 24-Sep-2024
Comment from jake cosmos aller
great poem about dealing with drug abuse by a close relative love these lines the best
ou chose to never have a choice.
You chose to claim it's fine.
You chose to shoot that poison, smoke that death, and cross that line.
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great poem about dealing with drug abuse by a close relative love these lines the best
ou chose to never have a choice.
You chose to claim it's fine.
You chose to shoot that poison, smoke that death, and cross that line.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2024
Comment from estory
There was a large dose of emotion in this poem, The personal tone brought them to life in stirring imagery. In the end it is a portrait of a torn relationship, a relationship kind of reluctantly falling apart. The differentiation between characters here, between You and Me and They delineate the differences between perception, between what works for one and doesn't work for the other. I like the images of the wind that seems to go past you and the other person on the run, running late getting away. The parents growing old, caught in between. estory
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There was a large dose of emotion in this poem, The personal tone brought them to life in stirring imagery. In the end it is a portrait of a torn relationship, a relationship kind of reluctantly falling apart. The differentiation between characters here, between You and Me and They delineate the differences between perception, between what works for one and doesn't work for the other. I like the images of the wind that seems to go past you and the other person on the run, running late getting away. The parents growing old, caught in between. estory
Comment Written 24-Sep-2024
Comment from Katiemae1977
Thisbis really, really good Jessica. A sad, poignant tale it had flawless meter and perfect rhymes.
If this is a true story I'm sorry. I have a brother I almost lost to addiction
I like the way this poem flows. Best wishes. I think this one will do well in the contest.
Luv&stuff
Katherine
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Thisbis really, really good Jessica. A sad, poignant tale it had flawless meter and perfect rhymes.
If this is a true story I'm sorry. I have a brother I almost lost to addiction
I like the way this poem flows. Best wishes. I think this one will do well in the contest.
Luv&stuff
Katherine
Comment Written 23-Sep-2024
Comment from Shanbreen
Jessica this is beautifully written.
There are lines worthy of note. For example,
"You turned on life before you lived."
and,
of course, the sarcastic last line:
"You said that you would run like wind;
I guess you're running late."
Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2024
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Jessica this is beautifully written.
There are lines worthy of note. For example,
"You turned on life before you lived."
and,
of course, the sarcastic last line:
"You said that you would run like wind;
I guess you're running late."
Well done.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2024
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I genuinely appreciate that. Thank you so much! Xoxo
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Jessica,
This sounds like a betrayal in the utmost. A promise to stay clean, I guess. But instead it seems this person died of an overdose. Sorry for your loss.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Joan
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2024
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Hi Jessica,
This sounds like a betrayal in the utmost. A promise to stay clean, I guess. But instead it seems this person died of an overdose. Sorry for your loss.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Joan
Comment Written 23-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2024
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Joan, thank you so much! Xo
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You are most kindly welcome, Jessica.
Joan
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Oh my God, Jessica, what a sad refrain. I know who you are writing about, I've heard your story before. This line: They drew the death-laced line that took the life you lost that day. It sends chills down my spine.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's been a while, but I know it's still heavy on your heart.
Thanks for sharing such an intimate story with us.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Oh my God, Jessica, what a sad refrain. I know who you are writing about, I've heard your story before. This line: They drew the death-laced line that took the life you lost that day. It sends chills down my spine.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's been a while, but I know it's still heavy on your heart.
Thanks for sharing such an intimate story with us.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 23-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2024
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Thank you so much, Pam. That really means a lot. This was another tough one to write- yet, therapeutic!
Xoxo
Jess
Comment from SimianSavant
A well-deserved sixth 6 in a row. This highly effective repetitive structure frames a progressing series from abstract to devastatingly specific, packed as concise punches to the gut (no messing around with commas or semicolons on those line endings) leaving the reader as doubled over as the art depiction. If there is a way to pass through the ether a fraction of the experience of loss of the author, this is one hell of a good attempt. The end of stanza 1 evokes "When breath becomes air", a book you've likely heard of, perhaps what you were referring to.
Emotionally, it takes some bravery to call this an act of betrayal rather than some mere collateral tragedy, and makes this entry stand out all the more (you turned/we had/you chose).
The only thing I was a little unclear on was the word "circulate". Circular breathing perhaps? If my chance you did not mean something specific by it, there might be some other words that come across as more specific, such as: extricate, satiate, subrogate, motivate, hold the gate.
The repetition model you used and its compelling content might suit it for a musical setting, with some consonant alterations and the addition of a chorus line providing some sort of time frame shift.
Thanks for a bold read and if you're thinking of doing something musical with it, definitely let me know.
🦍
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2024
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A well-deserved sixth 6 in a row. This highly effective repetitive structure frames a progressing series from abstract to devastatingly specific, packed as concise punches to the gut (no messing around with commas or semicolons on those line endings) leaving the reader as doubled over as the art depiction. If there is a way to pass through the ether a fraction of the experience of loss of the author, this is one hell of a good attempt. The end of stanza 1 evokes "When breath becomes air", a book you've likely heard of, perhaps what you were referring to.
Emotionally, it takes some bravery to call this an act of betrayal rather than some mere collateral tragedy, and makes this entry stand out all the more (you turned/we had/you chose).
The only thing I was a little unclear on was the word "circulate". Circular breathing perhaps? If my chance you did not mean something specific by it, there might be some other words that come across as more specific, such as: extricate, satiate, subrogate, motivate, hold the gate.
The repetition model you used and its compelling content might suit it for a musical setting, with some consonant alterations and the addition of a chorus line providing some sort of time frame shift.
Thanks for a bold read and if you're thinking of doing something musical with it, definitely let me know.
🦍
Comment Written 23-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2024
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My long reply was refusing to post yesterday- so I messaged you! Xoxo
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I got your message! Been distracted the last couple of days with an imminent move out of Cincinnati, but will get back to you on it before the end of the week!
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No rush at all. I will send you some old recordings I found in the meantime.
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Excellent; that may be super helpful in giving me an idea of your musical style and background.