Unexpected
Dr. Gordon finds out his Nurse has a secret>17 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
I have a friend who has an adult transgender child who started out life as a girl and later became a man - both father and son are pastors and writers. Your story is well told - there were a few spag issues with missing apostrophes, but I notice you have other reviewers who have already listed those for you, so I won't repeat. Overall, you write about a fascinating topic and have interesting characters. Brooke
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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I have a friend who has an adult transgender child who started out life as a girl and later became a man - both father and son are pastors and writers. Your story is well told - there were a few spag issues with missing apostrophes, but I notice you have other reviewers who have already listed those for you, so I won't repeat. Overall, you write about a fascinating topic and have interesting characters. Brooke
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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Thamk you for taking the time to read my story. I am in the process of editing it. Thanks for the encouragement on the topic and characters. I want to expand this more. - Thesis
Comment from Cora
I like your theme--that people are what they are and shouldn't be judged because they don't meet general standards. You give the reader something to ponder.
English teacher that I am, I have several suggestions:
Make a new paragraph for each speaker. You have multiple speakers in some paragraphs, and you inexplicably break other paragraphs when the speaker doesn't change.
Always put the comma INSIDE the close quotation mark.
Don't introduce quotations with colons.
Let's
You have two fragments: "Her legs parting wide . . ."[change the parting to parted and you're okay]
"The leather seats cool . . ." [put in a verb--The leather seats were cool"
"Trying to balance his sight on the road and look at her, she . . ." [woops--what comes after that comma has to agree with the description before it: He is the one "trying . . ."]
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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I like your theme--that people are what they are and shouldn't be judged because they don't meet general standards. You give the reader something to ponder.
English teacher that I am, I have several suggestions:
Make a new paragraph for each speaker. You have multiple speakers in some paragraphs, and you inexplicably break other paragraphs when the speaker doesn't change.
Always put the comma INSIDE the close quotation mark.
Don't introduce quotations with colons.
Let's
You have two fragments: "Her legs parting wide . . ."[change the parting to parted and you're okay]
"The leather seats cool . . ." [put in a verb--The leather seats were cool"
"Trying to balance his sight on the road and look at her, she . . ." [woops--what comes after that comma has to agree with the description before it: He is the one "trying . . ."]
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thanks for your suggestions and great comments that I will utilize. - Thesis
Comment from earthlybeing
This is a very well written story and explains what many go through very well. It was easy to read and understand and very heart warming. Thanks, Jeanette
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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This is a very well written story and explains what many go through very well. It was easy to read and understand and very heart warming. Thanks, Jeanette
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thank you. Yes, many people go through much heart ache for naught. People have to be true to themselves. Happiness isn't a given, but it is attainable. Thanks. - Thesis
Comment from Arkine
Wow, interesting. I think I've caught different chapters here and there. Didn't realize exactly what was going on though. Think I have a better idea now. Though you might want to space out the spoken parts more, it was a bit difficult to figure out who was talking. One thing you might want to look at:
(Remove)
[Add]
I'm sorry Stacy, I didn't mean to say it like that[.]"(.)
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Wow, interesting. I think I've caught different chapters here and there. Didn't realize exactly what was going on though. Think I have a better idea now. Though you might want to space out the spoken parts more, it was a bit difficult to figure out who was talking. One thing you might want to look at:
(Remove)
[Add]
I'm sorry Stacy, I didn't mean to say it like that[.]"(.)
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thanks for your review. I'm looking at editing it now. I see what you mean. Thanks - Thesis
Comment from jaeladarling
Well, I'll admit I read this mostly because I need the member dollars. LOL But I skimmed through, and one thing I noticed you need to work on is dialogue structure. Don't close a quote in the middle of someone speaking and then open it again on the next sentence. Here is one instance where you did that:
"I'm sorry Stacy, I didn't mean to say it like that". "What I meant to say was, that I..."
You don't need the close quote after "that." It's still the same person speaking, so don't close the quote until they're done speaking.
Also, make sure ALL punctuation stays inside the quote when you close it. In the above example, if "that" really was the end of the quote, then the period would go inside the quote:
"I'm sorry Stacy, I didn't mean to say it like that."
Make sense? You'll want to do a run-through and correct those types of things.
Also, you'll want to make each chapter around 1500 words or so, or your readers will get tired of having to read so much in one sitting. The only exception to this is if you gain a good fan base and people start asking you to put more in your chapters.
I hope this is of some help to you. Best wishes as you continue this!
Cheers!
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Well, I'll admit I read this mostly because I need the member dollars. LOL But I skimmed through, and one thing I noticed you need to work on is dialogue structure. Don't close a quote in the middle of someone speaking and then open it again on the next sentence. Here is one instance where you did that:
"I'm sorry Stacy, I didn't mean to say it like that". "What I meant to say was, that I..."
You don't need the close quote after "that." It's still the same person speaking, so don't close the quote until they're done speaking.
Also, make sure ALL punctuation stays inside the quote when you close it. In the above example, if "that" really was the end of the quote, then the period would go inside the quote:
"I'm sorry Stacy, I didn't mean to say it like that."
Make sense? You'll want to do a run-through and correct those types of things.
Also, you'll want to make each chapter around 1500 words or so, or your readers will get tired of having to read so much in one sitting. The only exception to this is if you gain a good fan base and people start asking you to put more in your chapters.
I hope this is of some help to you. Best wishes as you continue this!
Cheers!
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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I took your comments and edited the story. Thanks for catching my recurring errors. Thesis
Comment from FredCollingwood
First of al', no fair putting that picture in there. I had to read it. Great story and well written.
Walking to his office() he said over his shoulder > add comma
You do this in a few places:
Stacy asked:
Smiling, he said: > It's customary to put a comma after a tag line.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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First of al', no fair putting that picture in there. I had to read it. Great story and well written.
Walking to his office() he said over his shoulder > add comma
You do this in a few places:
Stacy asked:
Smiling, he said: > It's customary to put a comma after a tag line.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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I did an edit on the story. Thanks for catching that. I'm glad you liked it. And, yeah, the picture contained the color I had in mind. - Thesis
Comment from jmkenpo
Thesis,
Very interesting read. I enjoyed it very much. I think the subject matter is edgy and I cannot wait to read what you put out next. Keep me posted. Thanks.. Jmkenpo
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reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thesis,
Very interesting read. I enjoyed it very much. I think the subject matter is edgy and I cannot wait to read what you put out next. Keep me posted. Thanks.. Jmkenpo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thanks for reading my entry. I tried to present an edgy story that had the possibilities for future stories. I will work with these characters. There will be more to come with them. Thanks - Thesis