My Magical Goth Fairy
A magical encounter with my future Queen35 total reviews
Comment from Patrick G Cox
OK, its got some Goth elemenst I think, it reads easily and has some interesting imagery, also some interesting use of the Templar image. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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OK, its got some Goth elemenst I think, it reads easily and has some interesting imagery, also some interesting use of the Templar image. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thank you Patrick. I appreciate your excellent review and comments. - Thesis
Comment from bc1yax
just enjoyable - a fair madian to the rescue - how refreshing - the story was smooth to read - the characters were so alive - no lumps or bumps to slow one down -
-- bc1yax
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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just enjoyable - a fair madian to the rescue - how refreshing - the story was smooth to read - the characters were so alive - no lumps or bumps to slow one down -
-- bc1yax
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Hi bc. The ladies to the rescue aspect has a lot going for it. I think it makes for a more interesting read. Thanks again. - Thesis
Comment from Seaborn
I thought this was, for the most part, well written. I've pasted below the sentences I thought did not flow as nicely. A little bit of work is all it needs, I think.
I awoke in Kira's bed, naked, as was she, nursing from her ample bosom. The key to life was within her being.
When she knew I regained consciousness, she became sexually aggressive, forcing me to satisfy her half-human need for procreation. I readily complied, savoring her sweet curves.
She stared at me with those mystical brown eyes and melted my resolve. I was magically consumed by this sensual woman's aura.
A very sensual, very short story. LS
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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I thought this was, for the most part, well written. I've pasted below the sentences I thought did not flow as nicely. A little bit of work is all it needs, I think.
I awoke in Kira's bed, naked, as was she, nursing from her ample bosom. The key to life was within her being.
When she knew I regained consciousness, she became sexually aggressive, forcing me to satisfy her half-human need for procreation. I readily complied, savoring her sweet curves.
She stared at me with those mystical brown eyes and melted my resolve. I was magically consumed by this sensual woman's aura.
A very sensual, very short story. LS
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thanks Seaborn. I'll be editing the piece to refelct those changes. Thanks for the review and suggestions. - Thesis
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Thesis
Yes you didn't give much detail describing people and surroundings and didn't show much emotion in your story
but you know what is good about your story it has a good pace, you said enough to get a reader interested.
I would call you story more like a prologue.
So next time you could use this as a prologue and write another chapter showing us more emotions and more colorful details.
Gert
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Hello Thesis
Yes you didn't give much detail describing people and surroundings and didn't show much emotion in your story
but you know what is good about your story it has a good pace, you said enough to get a reader interested.
I would call you story more like a prologue.
So next time you could use this as a prologue and write another chapter showing us more emotions and more colorful details.
Gert
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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I will do that Gert. Thanks for pointing that out. I appreciate your comments and suggestions. - Thesis
Comment from findingmyroom
I think you have the makings of two potentially interesting characters, but I'm having trouble finding an actual story in your piece. The battle is over, so that's not it. The meeting of the narrator and Kira is described, then we are told, from some much later date, that their union resulted in great things happening.
I would like to know the name and significance of the narrator, maybe some idea of how he reconciles the mystical Kira's appearance with his personal beliefs, and more details as to their need and/or desire for each other. Who sent Kira? Is there some higher order at work, or do these two champion the cause of the "weak and downtrodden" out of their own moral fortitude?
I hope my comments are helpful, as I'd love to see your piece fleshed out and really become great!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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I think you have the makings of two potentially interesting characters, but I'm having trouble finding an actual story in your piece. The battle is over, so that's not it. The meeting of the narrator and Kira is described, then we are told, from some much later date, that their union resulted in great things happening.
I would like to know the name and significance of the narrator, maybe some idea of how he reconciles the mystical Kira's appearance with his personal beliefs, and more details as to their need and/or desire for each other. Who sent Kira? Is there some higher order at work, or do these two champion the cause of the "weak and downtrodden" out of their own moral fortitude?
I hope my comments are helpful, as I'd love to see your piece fleshed out and really become great!
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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You pose some very good questions. I will have to follow-up with another piece that describes it a bit more thoroughly. - Thanks for reading and your comments. - Thesis
Comment from AlvinTEthington
This is a good outline for a plot. However, it needs to be expanded, in my opinion. I don't see much of a development of the characters. The story needs to be lengthened and the characterizations and plot need to be expanded. I do have a couple of comments:
1. I think the spelling is Charlemagne, not Charlemenge.
2. There needs to be an apostrophe in the possessive "Hugues de Payen's army."
3. Be careful about confusing the contraction "it's (for 'it is')" and the possessive "its."
4. The picture doesn't look, at least to me medieval; it looks more like a costume for a contemporary Mardi Gras festival.
5. I think you want the plural "Scottish Templars" not the possessive "Scottish Templar's."
6. The fifth paragraph needs a question mark at the end.
7. In this sentence:
He who is true of heart, shall live to deal with your kind once more
the comma should be omitted. Its presence separates the subject and the verb, and interrupts, at least to me, the flow of the poem.
If you decide to revise and expand, let me know; I like the plot very much.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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This is a good outline for a plot. However, it needs to be expanded, in my opinion. I don't see much of a development of the characters. The story needs to be lengthened and the characterizations and plot need to be expanded. I do have a couple of comments:
1. I think the spelling is Charlemagne, not Charlemenge.
2. There needs to be an apostrophe in the possessive "Hugues de Payen's army."
3. Be careful about confusing the contraction "it's (for 'it is')" and the possessive "its."
4. The picture doesn't look, at least to me medieval; it looks more like a costume for a contemporary Mardi Gras festival.
5. I think you want the plural "Scottish Templars" not the possessive "Scottish Templar's."
6. The fifth paragraph needs a question mark at the end.
7. In this sentence:
He who is true of heart, shall live to deal with your kind once more
the comma should be omitted. Its presence separates the subject and the verb, and interrupts, at least to me, the flow of the poem.
If you decide to revise and expand, let me know; I like the plot very much.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thanks for your comments Alvin
Comment from Steven Bishop
Not bad. A very good start to a larger story, and nice, concise piece of epicness in it's own right. I give four stars because I think some of the syntax could be tweaked to give the story more flow. For example,
"My legs finally gave way as my white Templar tunic dripped with my own crimson blood"
might read better as
"My legs finally gave way as my white Templar tunic dripped crimson with my own blood"
and
"There was no war, bloody killing or grief, only beauty and healing."
could be changed to
"There was no war, blood, killing or grief, only beauty and healing."
these are just suggestions, of course, and it is a fine little tale as it stands. Good job.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009
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Not bad. A very good start to a larger story, and nice, concise piece of epicness in it's own right. I give four stars because I think some of the syntax could be tweaked to give the story more flow. For example,
"My legs finally gave way as my white Templar tunic dripped with my own crimson blood"
might read better as
"My legs finally gave way as my white Templar tunic dripped crimson with my own blood"
and
"There was no war, bloody killing or grief, only beauty and healing."
could be changed to
"There was no war, blood, killing or grief, only beauty and healing."
these are just suggestions, of course, and it is a fine little tale as it stands. Good job.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009
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Thanks for your review and comments Steven. - Thesis
Comment from Penpal
This piece is magical and full of wonderous imagery as well. The style of the wars and knights created its theme to bring on the magic healer. An intersting, fast paced read, which held me to its sensual end.
Pen
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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This piece is magical and full of wonderous imagery as well. The style of the wars and knights created its theme to bring on the magic healer. An intersting, fast paced read, which held me to its sensual end.
Pen
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thank you Penpal. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. Thanks for your comments. - Thesis
Comment from lizziebach
I liked the story but I was slightly disapointed with the ending. I felt like you rushed through the last part too quickly. It needed more detail after they left the abbey, other than that the story had a solid start and an interesting theme and was enjoyable.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009
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I liked the story but I was slightly disapointed with the ending. I felt like you rushed through the last part too quickly. It needed more detail after they left the abbey, other than that the story had a solid start and an interesting theme and was enjoyable.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009
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Thanks for your review and comments lizzie. - thesis
Comment from dihardest
It is a magical fairy tale indeed. Good conquers evil - good procreates in unrelenting abundance. Thinking of this as a dream, you create the absolutely perfect segue, as both your hero and his queen are spared death at the last instant only to awake meshed in one another's loins. If only it were so.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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It is a magical fairy tale indeed. Good conquers evil - good procreates in unrelenting abundance. Thinking of this as a dream, you create the absolutely perfect segue, as both your hero and his queen are spared death at the last instant only to awake meshed in one another's loins. If only it were so.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thanks diehardest. Wouldn't that be a wonderful reality? It felt so good to write this story. Thanks for your comments and review. - Thesis