The Horseman
A man in the middle of nowhere ...31 total reviews
Comment from boberto
Hi, Susan:
Good story--enjoyed it. I do have a couple of things.
It isn't common to use the word "careen" with an animal---people, cars, bikes, but not animals. Can you come up with another word? Or, you could use a simile--something like, "---Running in the coral, the paint colt resembled a race car careening around a track."
In paragraph #4 you state horses are loping-in para #7 they have been galloping--two different times, so may be OK.
"The still morning was shattered when a rifle shot rang out; and as Herman's heart exploded," it isn't clear if Herman was shot, or just an expression that his heart exploded hearing the gunshot. Maybe,"--and Herman's heart exploded when hit by the bullet." or something like that.
"And he nickered for his buddy, but the colt lay dead just outside the grove of trees, his beautiful head blown off."
"And he came out of the trees to find the body of Herman's colt, it too, dead."
These two lines seem redundent. Maybe modify last--"---the body of Herman's colt where it had fallen when shot."
I'd make two paragraphs out of the last one. You have two separate thoughts. The first three sentences can be a paragraph. Then the rest of the sentences, the last paragraph.
Hope I have helped.
I too love the outside--just don't ride.
rob
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
  |
Hi, Susan:
Good story--enjoyed it. I do have a couple of things.
It isn't common to use the word "careen" with an animal---people, cars, bikes, but not animals. Can you come up with another word? Or, you could use a simile--something like, "---Running in the coral, the paint colt resembled a race car careening around a track."
In paragraph #4 you state horses are loping-in para #7 they have been galloping--two different times, so may be OK.
"The still morning was shattered when a rifle shot rang out; and as Herman's heart exploded," it isn't clear if Herman was shot, or just an expression that his heart exploded hearing the gunshot. Maybe,"--and Herman's heart exploded when hit by the bullet." or something like that.
"And he nickered for his buddy, but the colt lay dead just outside the grove of trees, his beautiful head blown off."
"And he came out of the trees to find the body of Herman's colt, it too, dead."
These two lines seem redundent. Maybe modify last--"---the body of Herman's colt where it had fallen when shot."
I'd make two paragraphs out of the last one. You have two separate thoughts. The first three sentences can be a paragraph. Then the rest of the sentences, the last paragraph.
Hope I have helped.
I too love the outside--just don't ride.
rob
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
HI Rob! Thank you very much!! I fixed what you suggested, hope I got it right...and I had already amended the first referral about the dead colt...? And I re-read and broke the last paragraph in half too! Thanks! With your help and a few others, maybe now it is a good story! ") I love horses, and all things western, but of course, live in INDIANA>..."( So, it's good to hear from you Rob, and what a helpful review too!! HUGS! Susan
Comment from stanjo56
This is a great story!! I really liked it, it was also sad too because of the horses that got killed. The photo fit this perfectly, very nicely done thanks for sharing!! :)
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
This is a great story!! I really liked it, it was also sad too because of the horses that got killed. The photo fit this perfectly, very nicely done thanks for sharing!! :)
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Stanjo! I thought of you as I wrote this, and am very happy you liked it! I hope you get to take many more of your great photos, I need to get caught up seeing your work!! Thanks my friend!! ") Fall is almost here!!! We finally got a bit of rain...and it saved the grass! ") Susan
Comment from Carrie Smith
HI SUSE, Interesting story that held my attention. You are great with dialog. I don't read stories as often as I should, but after having read yours, maybe I should read more.lol...Susan
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
HI SUSE, Interesting story that held my attention. You are great with dialog. I don't read stories as often as I should, but after having read yours, maybe I should read more.lol...Susan
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Susan!!! Thanks! You should write some of your own!! I would love it! I do hope you will read more stories, especially mine? HA!! There are lots tho here, that are so interesting...E.P. Thomas writes good ones, all short but so excellent! Talk soon! And I do appreciate this great review Susan, it was a fun one to do! ") Love! Susan
-
I may give it a try - have been reading mostly stories today. BIG hugs...Susan
Comment from anabelle
Lovely and sad story. It's too bad things like this have to happen. I can't imagine watching a horse's head blowing apart, but I certainly understand Calvin's actions after.
One nit: except the prarie (prairie).
Thanks for the good read.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
Lovely and sad story. It's too bad things like this have to happen. I can't imagine watching a horse's head blowing apart, but I certainly understand Calvin's actions after.
One nit: except the prarie (prairie).
Thanks for the good read.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Annabelle!! Thank you, I changed that sentence about the horse being shot! So, it's better now, thank you so much for a helpful and kind review!! I am thrilled that you enjoyed my attempt at action ") HUGS! Susan
-
It's a great story.
Comment from c_lucas
Thank you for the honor. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good Job.
Error:
Nobody'll hurt your gun son." (gun, son)
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
Thank you for the honor. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good Job.
Error:
Nobody'll hurt your gun son." (gun, son)
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
You are welcome Charlie! I had several spags, so I think I got them all. I really need MSWORD?? Ha. Oh well. This was just for fun and I am so happy to have you as a mentor to look up to also! Thank you again Charlie!! Smiles!! Susan
-
You're welcome, Susan. Charlie
Comment from AlvinTEthington
This is an excellent story, capturing the life and sometimes violence of the Montana ranch hand's life well. You portray the dialect perfectly. I am left with a few questions: Why were the drugs dealers out to kill? I didn't quite discern that. What is the meaning of the name Tanka? I don't know.
A few copy editing suggestions.
others mannerisms--replace the simple plural others with the plural possessive others'.
Nobody'll hurt your gun son.--add comma after gun.
So, who knows. I promise to let you know though, okay?--change period to question mark, and add comma after the second know.
"Sure sheriff. I just wanna get outta here."--add comma after Sure.
We came up on a Jeep sittin' there Bill.--add comma after there.
Sure son, you're free to go. Thanks again, Calvin.--add comma after Sure.
There's a slight gap in logic and that is the reason for the four stars, to wit:
And he came out of the trees to find the body of Herman's colt, it too, dead..
follows
And he [Calvin's horse] nickered for his buddy, but the colt lay dead just outside the grove of trees, his beautiful head blown off.
The colt is already to be known dead from the POV of Calvin, so he wouldn't find the colt dead; he already knows that.
If you revise, please let me know. I quite want to raise the rating of this story to five stars, if I can. I think it is a marvelous story and gives great insight to ranch life.
Second review:
The major error in the first review has been addressed and the rating raised. Now only these very minor copy editing errors need to be addressed:
So, who knows. I promise to let you know though, okay?--change period to question mark.
Sure son, you're free to go. Thanks again, Calvin.--add comma after Sure.
Correct spelling of scabbard; I missed this in the first review.
When I rode up to get it's tag numbersit's with the possessive its; I also missed this in the first review.
I would also add in the author's note a definition of the name Tanka.
Excellent revision; just the few minor points above need to be addressed.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
This is an excellent story, capturing the life and sometimes violence of the Montana ranch hand's life well. You portray the dialect perfectly. I am left with a few questions: Why were the drugs dealers out to kill? I didn't quite discern that. What is the meaning of the name Tanka? I don't know.
A few copy editing suggestions.
others mannerisms--replace the simple plural others with the plural possessive others'.
Nobody'll hurt your gun son.--add comma after gun.
So, who knows. I promise to let you know though, okay?--change period to question mark, and add comma after the second know.
"Sure sheriff. I just wanna get outta here."--add comma after Sure.
We came up on a Jeep sittin' there Bill.--add comma after there.
Sure son, you're free to go. Thanks again, Calvin.--add comma after Sure.
There's a slight gap in logic and that is the reason for the four stars, to wit:
And he came out of the trees to find the body of Herman's colt, it too, dead..
follows
And he [Calvin's horse] nickered for his buddy, but the colt lay dead just outside the grove of trees, his beautiful head blown off.
The colt is already to be known dead from the POV of Calvin, so he wouldn't find the colt dead; he already knows that.
If you revise, please let me know. I quite want to raise the rating of this story to five stars, if I can. I think it is a marvelous story and gives great insight to ranch life.
Second review:
The major error in the first review has been addressed and the rating raised. Now only these very minor copy editing errors need to be addressed:
So, who knows. I promise to let you know though, okay?--change period to question mark.
Sure son, you're free to go. Thanks again, Calvin.--add comma after Sure.
Correct spelling of scabbard; I missed this in the first review.
When I rode up to get it's tag numbersit's with the possessive its; I also missed this in the first review.
I would also add in the author's note a definition of the name Tanka.
Excellent revision; just the few minor points above need to be addressed.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Alvin! I jotted these down and will correct in a few minutes...I thank you very much! I didn't notice the scene with the horse being off...thank you!! That is important. I am thrilled to have you read this and to help me too! Smiles and a hug Alvin! Susan
-
You're welcome. Glad to be of service, ma'am.
-
") S.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a well written story. I enjoyed reading it and it keep me on the edge of my seat.
Don't know Herm. (comma after know)
Nobody'll hurt your gun son." (comma after gun)
And we appreciate your honesty Calvin (comma before Calvin)
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
 |
This is a well written story. I enjoyed reading it and it keep me on the edge of my seat.
Don't know Herm. (comma after know)
Nobody'll hurt your gun son." (comma after gun)
And we appreciate your honesty Calvin (comma before Calvin)
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Barbara!! Thank you!! I have fixed all the little things, and I really appreciate this wonderful review and rating...it's great to hear from you as always my friend...I hope you are having a good evening! HUGS!! Susan
Comment from tati
Thank you especially for enriching me with sooo many "new" words, Susan dear: palomino, gumption, rig, gelding, yakking, lope, cowpokes, nicker, lariat, etc. Btw, what's paint colt and grullas?
Very well written piece, your words flow so nicely, with superb imagery. I really enjoyed reading this from beginning to end. My favorite lines: Anger replaced fear now. Someone had just killed his horse and the warrior in him came alive. He always carried ammo in his pocket and it paid off this time.
Thank you for sharing. Kindest regards,
tati, September 11, 2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
Thank you especially for enriching me with sooo many "new" words, Susan dear: palomino, gumption, rig, gelding, yakking, lope, cowpokes, nicker, lariat, etc. Btw, what's paint colt and grullas?
Very well written piece, your words flow so nicely, with superb imagery. I really enjoyed reading this from beginning to end. My favorite lines: Anger replaced fear now. Someone had just killed his horse and the warrior in him came alive. He always carried ammo in his pocket and it paid off this time.
Thank you for sharing. Kindest regards,
tati, September 11, 2010
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Tati! I am glad to have you be interested in all these things! A grulla, or grullo, is a variation, of a dun horse color, there are three colors closely associtated, buckskin, dun, grulla... the grulla, pronounced "grew-ah" is the most primitive with dorsal stripes, and a sort of "mask" on it's face. American quarter horses are this color a lot. Sort of rare too. Paint horses are what is in the photo I used. Lots of variations of that color too. I have a young colt, well, he is 4 now, that is an Overo paint. Real splashy looking, like someone threw white paint over him, with lite brown spots too. Just Google these if you really want to see? It's interesting, how varied they are, breeds and colors...You are a doll for awarding me a six for this, I really appreciate it Tati!! SO happy you enjoyed it. I am trying to practice dialogue and using narrative too. Lots of stuff to remember. I am so honored to have you read for me!! Thank you again my friend! Susan
-
You're welcome, Susan dear. Thanks to you I learned a lot of interesting things about horses. Many hugs,
tati
-
I am so glad! Ask me anything, and I will try to answer if I know it? ABout horses. I have ridden and owned them for over thirty years...won't be long before I will have to give them up...bless you for your interest Tati! I appreciate! ") Luv, Susan
Comment from anne1204
A wonderful exciting story, great descriptions of the scene and the emotions of the characters. The anger and fear of the main character was so real. Very good writing. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
A wonderful exciting story, great descriptions of the scene and the emotions of the characters. The anger and fear of the main character was so real. Very good writing. Anne 1204
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Anne! Thank you!! I am so happy you liked this attempt... I did have several spags they call it. So they are fixed, but I think the editor is not changing them? Hmmmm, oh well, it's great to hear from you !! ") Susan
Comment from BethShelby
This is very good Western writing. The story is a thriller. We get a great look at the character Calvin and the his expertise with his Sharps. I enjoyed this story very much. I know what all the horse types you mentioned are except grullas. I'll have to look that one up.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
|
This is very good Western writing. The story is a thriller. We get a great look at the character Calvin and the his expertise with his Sharps. I enjoyed this story very much. I know what all the horse types you mentioned are except grullas. I'll have to look that one up.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2010
-
Hi Beth!! Yes, it's interesting how they get these colors, a grulla, pronounced "gru-ya"? is a form of a dun, or in the buckskin family, with primitive type markings, a dorsal stripe, and dark faces, like a mask. Sort of funny looking to me, but rare. SO very glad you liked this Beth!! Thank you again!! Susan