Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Chapter 6 part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
85 total reviews
Comment from MissCellanea
Well, I've been off-site for far too long and don't think I've read the previous chapters. You've painted an intimate relationship for Raif and Sara. I can only imagine the tension in the room when Cassie is present!
At the beginning, I thought Raif was sort of smarmy, overplaying his prowress over the younger Sara, but, as this is my first chapter, I could be reading it wrong.
My thoughts:
"You're selling yourself short again. I thought we had an agreement that you wouldn't cut yourself down in my presence."
***As far as structure, this is correct. But it came off as wordy to me. Could be pared down. No need for 'again' when he speaks of the agreement. 'You're selling yourself short. I thought we agreed you wouldn't cut yourself down.'
"I don't think you should walk around the house naked."
. . . He scanned her naked body as she stood. "Yours look pretty good to me."
***A bit repetitive. Her statement stands pat. But as Raif's statement makes it clear to the reader, Sara is also naked, it isn't necessary to state it in the narrative. I would suggest changing it to: 'He scanned her body as she stood. . . I had no problem visualizing his ogling!
"Think she'd believe we made love all afternoon?" . . . before she believes we made love all afternoon."
***Again, a repetition. Could this flow smoother? 'Think she'd believe we made love all afternoon?' , , ,before she believes that!'
I enjoyed the read. Clearly defined characters with real emotions. Look forward to reading more.
Sue
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
  |
Well, I've been off-site for far too long and don't think I've read the previous chapters. You've painted an intimate relationship for Raif and Sara. I can only imagine the tension in the room when Cassie is present!
At the beginning, I thought Raif was sort of smarmy, overplaying his prowress over the younger Sara, but, as this is my first chapter, I could be reading it wrong.
My thoughts:
"You're selling yourself short again. I thought we had an agreement that you wouldn't cut yourself down in my presence."
***As far as structure, this is correct. But it came off as wordy to me. Could be pared down. No need for 'again' when he speaks of the agreement. 'You're selling yourself short. I thought we agreed you wouldn't cut yourself down.'
"I don't think you should walk around the house naked."
. . . He scanned her naked body as she stood. "Yours look pretty good to me."
***A bit repetitive. Her statement stands pat. But as Raif's statement makes it clear to the reader, Sara is also naked, it isn't necessary to state it in the narrative. I would suggest changing it to: 'He scanned her body as she stood. . . I had no problem visualizing his ogling!
"Think she'd believe we made love all afternoon?" . . . before she believes we made love all afternoon."
***Again, a repetition. Could this flow smoother? 'Think she'd believe we made love all afternoon?' , , ,before she believes that!'
I enjoyed the read. Clearly defined characters with real emotions. Look forward to reading more.
Sue
Comment Written 15-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your review. I made a hard a copy so I can work on it.
Comment from janeae
Barbara, this is wonderful! I can hardly wait to read more of your story. The tenderness and love is so obvious and open, that I sat there amazed at your talent. Thank you for writing. jane
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
 |
Barbara, this is wonderful! I can hardly wait to read more of your story. The tenderness and love is so obvious and open, that I sat there amazed at your talent. Thank you for writing. jane
Comment Written 15-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Amina Ahmed
a very nice story line with great depths. i like the expression and the way the emotions are potrayed. keep up the good work
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
|
a very nice story line with great depths. i like the expression and the way the emotions are potrayed. keep up the good work
Comment Written 15-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Justa Begina
Hi Barbara, this is the first work i have read of yours and now i think i shall have to read the rest. You have me hooked, im afraid. Your style of writing simply invites the reader into the world you have created and the characters are so believable. The sign of a good book is one that cant be put down and i find myself now waiting for the next bit. Hope you are well soon !! It was a real pleasure to read !
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
|
Hi Barbara, this is the first work i have read of yours and now i think i shall have to read the rest. You have me hooked, im afraid. Your style of writing simply invites the reader into the world you have created and the characters are so believable. The sign of a good book is one that cant be put down and i find myself now waiting for the next bit. Hope you are well soon !! It was a real pleasure to read !
Comment Written 15-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jmdg1954
The most important thing is that you take care of yourself fist and foremost, the story and post can wait! This chapter was well put together, short as the two hours allowed. Now we have a twist with Cassie being late. If sara is anything like my wife... oh boy. She would have been pacing at 6:03pm.... Take care Barbara...
John
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
|
The most important thing is that you take care of yourself fist and foremost, the story and post can wait! This chapter was well put together, short as the two hours allowed. Now we have a twist with Cassie being late. If sara is anything like my wife... oh boy. She would have been pacing at 6:03pm.... Take care Barbara...
John
Comment Written 14-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from sk42rn
I am new to your works but found that I really like Chapter 6. I am going to take the time to read the prior chapters as well. I am impressed by your reviews and that your passion is to continue writing in the midst of the difficulties of life.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
|
I am new to your works but found that I really like Chapter 6. I am going to take the time to read the prior chapters as well. I am impressed by your reviews and that your passion is to continue writing in the midst of the difficulties of life.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from ThomasDennisC
Barbara you are a wonderful writer. I really do enjoy reading your writing.
1. A well written chapter; good beginning grabs the attention from the get go. Thank you also for the background notes.
2. I love the fact that you kept it short, to the point and steamy throughout. Love it!
3. Excellent ending; you created emotions, the characters came alive and you left your readers wanting more with the suspense.
Keep up the good work and God bless, keep being strong our prayers are with you.
restlesspen
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
|
Barbara you are a wonderful writer. I really do enjoy reading your writing.
1. A well written chapter; good beginning grabs the attention from the get go. Thank you also for the background notes.
2. I love the fact that you kept it short, to the point and steamy throughout. Love it!
3. Excellent ending; you created emotions, the characters came alive and you left your readers wanting more with the suspense.
Keep up the good work and God bless, keep being strong our prayers are with you.
restlesspen
Comment Written 14-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
-
You are most welcome Barbara. God bless!
Comment from Jonez08
Oh nice cliff hanger, Barbara, now I can't wait for the next. This is a great continuation from last chapter and the the emotions and actions are well balanced. Take care
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2010
|
Oh nice cliff hanger, Barbara, now I can't wait for the next. This is a great continuation from last chapter and the the emotions and actions are well balanced. Take care
Comment Written 14-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Oh, the first flush of love is so wonderful - and your writing recalls so many memories.
Their time together was so tender!
Good hook at the end too.
Juliette
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2010
|
Oh, the first flush of love is so wonderful - and your writing recalls so many memories.
Their time together was so tender!
Good hook at the end too.
Juliette
Comment Written 14-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from Writeaway...
Excellent chapter add to your novel barabara.wilkey, bravo. I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, you certainly left me hanging there wondering what's going to happen next, excellent job, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2010
|
Excellent chapter add to your novel barabara.wilkey, bravo. I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, you certainly left me hanging there wondering what's going to happen next, excellent job, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 14-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.