Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Part two chapter three"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
90 total reviews
Comment from Helen Tan
Troy's finding it hard to pull away. He's too involved. These shelters for abused women can also prove dangerous when angry husbands turn up. Tough life.
The bond building between Anna and Troy is well portrayed. Having a child caught in all this adds more tension.
Here's two names and phone numbers.
This could be the way he speaks but I think he's well educated and would say - "Here ARE two names and phone numbers."
The doctor wants to keep him over night for observation.
I think "overnight" is one word.
He leaned over and kissed the baby's cheek. "That's from your mommy. She told me to tell you she loves you very much."
A tender moment and great insight to Troy's caring character.
When they entered Anna's gaze clung to the crib,
Not too sure but a comma might be needed after "entered".
After some thought, the nurse nodded.
After taking the child from the nurse, Troy and approached the bed.
Two short consecutive paragraphs beginning with "after". Consider rewriting the second line. -Troy took the child from the nurse, and approached the bed.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2011
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Troy's finding it hard to pull away. He's too involved. These shelters for abused women can also prove dangerous when angry husbands turn up. Tough life.
The bond building between Anna and Troy is well portrayed. Having a child caught in all this adds more tension.
Here's two names and phone numbers.
This could be the way he speaks but I think he's well educated and would say - "Here ARE two names and phone numbers."
The doctor wants to keep him over night for observation.
I think "overnight" is one word.
He leaned over and kissed the baby's cheek. "That's from your mommy. She told me to tell you she loves you very much."
A tender moment and great insight to Troy's caring character.
When they entered Anna's gaze clung to the crib,
Not too sure but a comma might be needed after "entered".
After some thought, the nurse nodded.
After taking the child from the nurse, Troy and approached the bed.
Two short consecutive paragraphs beginning with "after". Consider rewriting the second line. -Troy took the child from the nurse, and approached the bed.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your eagle eye, review, and support. I appreciate both.
Comment from Cogitator
You have a very talent, in my estimation. Very easy to read and understand. The scenario is vivid and meaningful. Great job I look forward to more...John
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2011
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You have a very talent, in my estimation. Very easy to read and understand. The scenario is vivid and meaningful. Great job I look forward to more...John
Comment Written 28-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
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My pleasure...John
Comment from Lady Beanni61
Thank you for an excellent story, great detail with personal feelings.Great story for people that know about domestic violence. Here are some suggestions:change help her see for her self,he's alright To: help her see he's alright.The next change is:I understand how scary it is, To: I understand how scary it is for you. Again and excellent story.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for an excellent story, great detail with personal feelings.Great story for people that know about domestic violence. Here are some suggestions:change help her see for her self,he's alright To: help her see he's alright.The next change is:I understand how scary it is, To: I understand how scary it is for you. Again and excellent story.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for catching those. I did some editing just before you read it and still made some mistakes. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from Deorre Leonard
Another great chapter. I am not gonna try to guess what happens next. This was a good read I just love Troy he is a hero for sure. Poor Anna will she ever really be free. Well said.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Another great chapter. I am not gonna try to guess what happens next. This was a good read I just love Troy he is a hero for sure. Poor Anna will she ever really be free. Well said.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. I think you will be pleased with the next post. At least I hope so.
Comment from Jonesy
Second chapter I've read and have to say love the consistent tone from one to the other. That's often hard to do.
I found a couple things noted below but no big deal, although there are a couple things that stood out to me.
The first are the character beats, all the "he nodded" or she "wiped away a tear" or "turned away", that sort of thing. There are a great many, so much that they drew my attention from the story. Also, many of them don't seem needed as they're such basic movements as the nodding of a head.
The second is some of the dialogue didn't seem necessary. Again, it's basic things that people might say but doesn't translate well into fiction because they don't add anything. Here are a couple examples:
I went to see him and he recommended two lawyers."
With the two earlier references to lawyers in this dialogue string, this one isn't needed. How about replacing with "a couple"
"I can't afford a lawyer."
Anna says this I think 4 times. Noticeable
asked me to check on him. She's worried. How's he doing?"
It would be obvious to anyone Anna is worried, so no need to spell it out
"I have permission to escort you and this handsome young man to his mom."
Subjective yeah, but had a hard time a nurse would phrase this in such a way. Just didn't have a realistic ring for me
The key point I'm making is watching for things that don't add anything, already obvious given the situation or redundant in something was already written or inferred.
So, although I feel this could be improved I still went with a 5 because the skill is obvious.
***As she reached up to wipe hair from her cheek, she cringed.***
"cringed" isn't the right word here. It's meaning is to cower in fear, or embarrassment over an action. I'm sure the meaning is a pain Anna felt as she raised her arm, so "grimaced" or something similar would fit
***""What are you sorry about?" She turned toward him. "You didn't do anything?"***
Why the second question mark? Doesn't seem appropriate
***"I'm badly bruised, two ... ***
Really nitpicky given it's dialogue, but the comma here is a splice.
***"There's no way I can afford a lawyer. I can't go home.***
Reads odd. These two statements are so unrelated, so to not have something between them moving the transition from can't afford a lawyer to can't go home, ummm, not sure about that
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Second chapter I've read and have to say love the consistent tone from one to the other. That's often hard to do.
I found a couple things noted below but no big deal, although there are a couple things that stood out to me.
The first are the character beats, all the "he nodded" or she "wiped away a tear" or "turned away", that sort of thing. There are a great many, so much that they drew my attention from the story. Also, many of them don't seem needed as they're such basic movements as the nodding of a head.
The second is some of the dialogue didn't seem necessary. Again, it's basic things that people might say but doesn't translate well into fiction because they don't add anything. Here are a couple examples:
I went to see him and he recommended two lawyers."
With the two earlier references to lawyers in this dialogue string, this one isn't needed. How about replacing with "a couple"
"I can't afford a lawyer."
Anna says this I think 4 times. Noticeable
asked me to check on him. She's worried. How's he doing?"
It would be obvious to anyone Anna is worried, so no need to spell it out
"I have permission to escort you and this handsome young man to his mom."
Subjective yeah, but had a hard time a nurse would phrase this in such a way. Just didn't have a realistic ring for me
The key point I'm making is watching for things that don't add anything, already obvious given the situation or redundant in something was already written or inferred.
So, although I feel this could be improved I still went with a 5 because the skill is obvious.
***As she reached up to wipe hair from her cheek, she cringed.***
"cringed" isn't the right word here. It's meaning is to cower in fear, or embarrassment over an action. I'm sure the meaning is a pain Anna felt as she raised her arm, so "grimaced" or something similar would fit
***""What are you sorry about?" She turned toward him. "You didn't do anything?"***
Why the second question mark? Doesn't seem appropriate
***"I'm badly bruised, two ... ***
Really nitpicky given it's dialogue, but the comma here is a splice.
***"There's no way I can afford a lawyer. I can't go home.***
Reads odd. These two statements are so unrelated, so to not have something between them moving the transition from can't afford a lawyer to can't go home, ummm, not sure about that
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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I made a hard copy of you suggestions. I will take them one at a time. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from mrfuji02
This one clearly hits the reder right in the gut, and immediately the reader hates the abusive husband. It is a true tale of how battered women work; afraid to go home,afraid not to for fear of the repurcussions the next time. What stays with me is the innocent baby in all of the mess.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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This one clearly hits the reder right in the gut, and immediately the reader hates the abusive husband. It is a true tale of how battered women work; afraid to go home,afraid not to for fear of the repurcussions the next time. What stays with me is the innocent baby in all of the mess.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from patmedium
I dunno, Barbara ... this fellow's cruising towards love at the speed of sound. Silly blighter. She's very likely to end up back with the husband ... or dead. xxx
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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I dunno, Barbara ... this fellow's cruising towards love at the speed of sound. Silly blighter. She's very likely to end up back with the husband ... or dead. xxx
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and insight.
Comment from markk
A great continuation to this very strong story. You've made the characters so endearing that it makes the reader very involved. Very well done.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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A great continuation to this very strong story. You've made the characters so endearing that it makes the reader very involved. Very well done.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from yestyn
What a great story why is that I read a story and I see all the things in that story and this makes a good story teller I will certainly read from the beginning, well written and I will follow this story
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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What a great story why is that I read a story and I see all the things in that story and this makes a good story teller I will certainly read from the beginning, well written and I will follow this story
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and the support you are giving me.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, things have been progressing nicely. Hopefully they'll be safe. Check some edits/suggestions:
He noticed her eyes glance toward him.
She turned [away] from him. "Please go [away]."
No need to tell 'he noticed'. We're in his POV. These two sentences can be combined this way:
She glanced toward him, then turned away. "Please leave." [this also gets rid of too many 'away' close to one another.
"You called the police, didn't you?" She still faced [away] from him. - She still refused to look at him.
As she reached up to wipe hair from her cheek, she cringed. - She reached up to wipe hair from her cheek and cringed.
"Of course." He stood, started to [leaned] over her, but changed his mind. - lean
He nodded. "Not a problem." Troy glanced back at Anna as he left the room. - switch the name and 'he':
Troy nodded. "Not a problem." He glanced back at Anna as he left the room.
[As] Troy stood beside Michael's crib,[ ]a nurse came up to him and asked, "Are you a family member?" - you use quite a lot of 'As' in your sentences. Try to vary. Use 'while'
Or
Troy was standing beside Michael's crib when a nurse came up to him. "Are you a family member?" she asked.
When the [nurse, Troy, and Michael] entered Anna's room[,] her eyes focused on the crib, but she addressed Troy, "How did you manage this?"
When they entered Anna's room[,] her gaze clung to the crib. "How did you manage this?" she then asked Troy.
After taking the child from the nurse, Troy moved closer to Anna and handed her the baby. "Can I sit beside you?" - Troy is overly gentleman at times. This question feels odd and may make a woman uncomfortable on how to answer that. At times, let the man take charge. Maybe this way sounds more natural?
Troy took the child from the nurse and approached the bed. "I'll just sit here." He perched on its edge and carefully placed Michael at Anna's side. [she has cracked shoulder blades, so it won't be possible for her to hold him]
After she dried her cheeks with the back of her hand, she turned toward Troy.
She dried her cheeks with the back of her hand and turned to Troy.
Hope those help.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Hi Barb, things have been progressing nicely. Hopefully they'll be safe. Check some edits/suggestions:
He noticed her eyes glance toward him.
She turned [away] from him. "Please go [away]."
No need to tell 'he noticed'. We're in his POV. These two sentences can be combined this way:
She glanced toward him, then turned away. "Please leave." [this also gets rid of too many 'away' close to one another.
"You called the police, didn't you?" She still faced [away] from him. - She still refused to look at him.
As she reached up to wipe hair from her cheek, she cringed. - She reached up to wipe hair from her cheek and cringed.
"Of course." He stood, started to [leaned] over her, but changed his mind. - lean
He nodded. "Not a problem." Troy glanced back at Anna as he left the room. - switch the name and 'he':
Troy nodded. "Not a problem." He glanced back at Anna as he left the room.
[As] Troy stood beside Michael's crib,[ ]a nurse came up to him and asked, "Are you a family member?" - you use quite a lot of 'As' in your sentences. Try to vary. Use 'while'
Or
Troy was standing beside Michael's crib when a nurse came up to him. "Are you a family member?" she asked.
When the [nurse, Troy, and Michael] entered Anna's room[,] her eyes focused on the crib, but she addressed Troy, "How did you manage this?"
When they entered Anna's room[,] her gaze clung to the crib. "How did you manage this?" she then asked Troy.
After taking the child from the nurse, Troy moved closer to Anna and handed her the baby. "Can I sit beside you?" - Troy is overly gentleman at times. This question feels odd and may make a woman uncomfortable on how to answer that. At times, let the man take charge. Maybe this way sounds more natural?
Troy took the child from the nurse and approached the bed. "I'll just sit here." He perched on its edge and carefully placed Michael at Anna's side. [she has cracked shoulder blades, so it won't be possible for her to hold him]
After she dried her cheeks with the back of her hand, she turned toward Troy.
She dried her cheeks with the back of her hand and turned to Troy.
Hope those help.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your eagle eye and kind review. I made a hard copy so I can take care of them one at a time.