Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Part one Chapter four"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
83 total reviews
Comment from ulster3
Hello barbara...
Thanks for another enjoyable chapter. I liked this father figure from the moment he presented the sundae. Looks like Bobby will soon be history.
Warmly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Hello barbara...
Thanks for another enjoyable chapter. I liked this father figure from the moment he presented the sundae. Looks like Bobby will soon be history.
Warmly, Rebecca
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Bobby still has some tricks up his sleeve. Thank you for the kind review.
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Oh dear!
Comment from Writingfundimension
This chapter was just excellent, BW. Your dialogue was spot-on and I continue to be impressed with how faithfully and realistically you write about the issues of domestic violence towards women. This was quite an emotional chapter for me and I love how you filled us in on Troy's background. Looking forward to more! Best wishes, Bev
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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This chapter was just excellent, BW. Your dialogue was spot-on and I continue to be impressed with how faithfully and realistically you write about the issues of domestic violence towards women. This was quite an emotional chapter for me and I love how you filled us in on Troy's background. Looking forward to more! Best wishes, Bev
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words
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My pleasure, lovely lady.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
experienced attorny (attorney)
My next door neighbor was killed by her husband, but he got away with it. He gave her a head injury which slowly bled out over a few hours. She had told people she fell, and it really couldn't be disproven, but we all knew. Justice was finally served as he is currently in prison on drug charges. I hope they keep him a good, long time. Again, thank you so much for bringing this issue out in the open. Debbie
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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experienced attorny (attorney)
My next door neighbor was killed by her husband, but he got away with it. He gave her a head injury which slowly bled out over a few hours. She had told people she fell, and it really couldn't be disproven, but we all knew. Justice was finally served as he is currently in prison on drug charges. I hope they keep him a good, long time. Again, thank you so much for bringing this issue out in the open. Debbie
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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I thought I had fixed that typo. Oh well, I corrected it tis time, I hope. thank you for the kind review.
Comment from James Tipton
Well this is generally quite well written. I'd drop the very first sentence...too "empty" to begin your good chapter with it. I compliment you on your use of dialogue to tell a story, to fill in "back stories" and do to it without resorting to filler stuff like "he said," etc.
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Well this is generally quite well written. I'd drop the very first sentence...too "empty" to begin your good chapter with it. I compliment you on your use of dialogue to tell a story, to fill in "back stories" and do to it without resorting to filler stuff like "he said," etc.
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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i enjoyed your review. I received another review that said I should sue more he'she said. I agree with you.
Comment from Dale95
Good continuing story. I like the way you are following up on all the basic steps that need to take place for this needed corrective action. This is a monumental step for an abused victim that is afraid, alone, and without support to risk it all and break free.
Self doubt has been pounded into her just for that reason and I think that more self-efficacy should be taught to all our kids in grade school. Keep up the good work and... Write On. -Dale
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Good continuing story. I like the way you are following up on all the basic steps that need to take place for this needed corrective action. This is a monumental step for an abused victim that is afraid, alone, and without support to risk it all and break free.
Self doubt has been pounded into her just for that reason and I think that more self-efficacy should be taught to all our kids in grade school. Keep up the good work and... Write On. -Dale
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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I agree. Thank you for you kind review,
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi barb, the father is a nice man. Hopefully he'll be able to help. Check some notes:
Movement caused Anna to glance toward the door.
A movement at the door made Anna glance toward it.
or
A movement at the door attracted Anna's attention.
"It's early in the day for ice cream, but if you insist." She took a [bite]. - not sure if 'bite' is suitable for ice cream. Maybe 'She dipped her spoon in and have a taste'? just a suggestion.
Paul's blue eyes lit up [the room]. - I know it's just an expression, but for eyes to lit up the room could be too much. Suggest remove 'the room', or 'lit up his face'.
He shifted in his chair and his facial expression switched to serious. - rather wordy.
He shifted in his chair, his expression turned serious.
"Can you really help me?" [Her face showed both hope and concern.] - we're in her POV, so she can't see what her face is showing.
"Can you really help me?" She looked at him with hope and concern.
Mom took me aside and ordered me to quit seeing him. I thought they were overreacting." Anna wiped tears rolling down her cheeks.
"About a week later, Bobby proposed. I accepted." She wiped her eyes. - you use about the same expression earlier. Maybe 'She wiped her eyes again' here.
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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Hi barb, the father is a nice man. Hopefully he'll be able to help. Check some notes:
Movement caused Anna to glance toward the door.
A movement at the door made Anna glance toward it.
or
A movement at the door attracted Anna's attention.
"It's early in the day for ice cream, but if you insist." She took a [bite]. - not sure if 'bite' is suitable for ice cream. Maybe 'She dipped her spoon in and have a taste'? just a suggestion.
Paul's blue eyes lit up [the room]. - I know it's just an expression, but for eyes to lit up the room could be too much. Suggest remove 'the room', or 'lit up his face'.
He shifted in his chair and his facial expression switched to serious. - rather wordy.
He shifted in his chair, his expression turned serious.
"Can you really help me?" [Her face showed both hope and concern.] - we're in her POV, so she can't see what her face is showing.
"Can you really help me?" She looked at him with hope and concern.
Mom took me aside and ordered me to quit seeing him. I thought they were overreacting." Anna wiped tears rolling down her cheeks.
"About a week later, Bobby proposed. I accepted." She wiped her eyes. - you use about the same expression earlier. Maybe 'She wiped her eyes again' here.
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 12-May-2011
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I always enjoy hearing from you. I will work on those areas.
Comment from angel123
This is a very emotional story and it is very brave of you to share with so many readers. I enjoyed reading it and it is very well written. You should do a spell check, because I noticed one or two misspelled words. God Bless you!
Angel123
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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This is a very emotional story and it is very brave of you to share with so many readers. I enjoyed reading it and it is very well written. You should do a spell check, because I noticed one or two misspelled words. God Bless you!
Angel123
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Funny I always run spell checks. Not sure whats going on. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I loved the natural way the visits of the lawyer took place. This is a very interesting chapter, very well written and very enjoyable to read.
I hope you had a happy mother's day too.
:)
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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I loved the natural way the visits of the lawyer took place. This is a very interesting chapter, very well written and very enjoyable to read.
I hope you had a happy mother's day too.
:)
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
This lady has certainly landed on the lucky side here. I shall look forward to how this develops, though I expect Bobby will make a serious attempt to have his revenge.
Patrick
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Hi Barbara,
This lady has certainly landed on the lucky side here. I shall look forward to how this develops, though I expect Bobby will make a serious attempt to have his revenge.
Patrick
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Bobby will return. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from sunnilicious
Ain't nothing like some ice cream. I have some Skinny Cow in the freezer that you're making me want. Arrgghhh. But back to your review - I'd add association to the dialogue to the characters for an easier to understand read. However, there is still valuable story line in the chapter. Otherwisse, it's good.
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Ain't nothing like some ice cream. I have some Skinny Cow in the freezer that you're making me want. Arrgghhh. But back to your review - I'd add association to the dialogue to the characters for an easier to understand read. However, there is still valuable story line in the chapter. Otherwisse, it's good.
Comment Written 11-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.