Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Part one, Chapter 8"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
92 total reviews
Comment from rivki1111
Hello, I think you have a really nice romantic thing happening here, but you are going to have a conniption at the thought of changing the previous seven chapters. lol (^_^)
But, as I read your work, it is up close and not a fast moving piece. So I think it lends itself to being written in this tense, so as to bring it closer to me, the reader. Now you can have the conniption, heheheheh :)
Probably way out of the ball park, but that was my gut instinct for this piece of writing, and so I have pasted and copied the first section of this chapter, changing it to the way I wanted to hear it read. Basically just read everything that isn't in the brackets, because the stuff in the brackets is how I would make those changes.
Example: 'When Anna and Michael enter(ed) the living room, Paul smiles(d). "I see the sweet potatoes didn't cause permanent damage. He's his original color. Did you give Betty his clothes so she can(ould)soak them?"
"I'm going to do it (that) now."
Margaret smiles(d). "While you('re) do(ing) that(,) let me rock him. He looks tired. If he falls asleep, I'll put him down for a nap."
Anna hands(ed)over (her)Michael. "I'm used to doing everything myself. I don't know how to handle all this help." She glances(d) at the orange outfit in her hand. "I'd better get this into some cold water." She heads(ed) toward the kitchen.
With Betty's help, Anna treats(ed) the outfit with stain remover, before putting(she put) it in the washer with detergent. Anna glances(d) out the window. "What are those gorgeous deep red and yellow flowers?"
"They're 'Indian Blankets'. If you('d) like, we(you) can step outside and get a closer look."
Bye for now, and thanks for sharing your writing, cheers, rebekah.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2011
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Hello, I think you have a really nice romantic thing happening here, but you are going to have a conniption at the thought of changing the previous seven chapters. lol (^_^)
But, as I read your work, it is up close and not a fast moving piece. So I think it lends itself to being written in this tense, so as to bring it closer to me, the reader. Now you can have the conniption, heheheheh :)
Probably way out of the ball park, but that was my gut instinct for this piece of writing, and so I have pasted and copied the first section of this chapter, changing it to the way I wanted to hear it read. Basically just read everything that isn't in the brackets, because the stuff in the brackets is how I would make those changes.
Example: 'When Anna and Michael enter(ed) the living room, Paul smiles(d). "I see the sweet potatoes didn't cause permanent damage. He's his original color. Did you give Betty his clothes so she can(ould)soak them?"
"I'm going to do it (that) now."
Margaret smiles(d). "While you('re) do(ing) that(,) let me rock him. He looks tired. If he falls asleep, I'll put him down for a nap."
Anna hands(ed)over (her)Michael. "I'm used to doing everything myself. I don't know how to handle all this help." She glances(d) at the orange outfit in her hand. "I'd better get this into some cold water." She heads(ed) toward the kitchen.
With Betty's help, Anna treats(ed) the outfit with stain remover, before putting(she put) it in the washer with detergent. Anna glances(d) out the window. "What are those gorgeous deep red and yellow flowers?"
"They're 'Indian Blankets'. If you('d) like, we(you) can step outside and get a closer look."
Bye for now, and thanks for sharing your writing, cheers, rebekah.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2011
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I see you are not new to FS. I had to look because of your recommendation. I have done extensive research on writing romance novels and the publishing companies want it in past tense, hence I write in past tense. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Nanashirley
This is a nice chapter with right kind of stories. I think that things are good for now but I know it can't last. It would be a short chapter. I really liked the legend.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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This is a nice chapter with right kind of stories. I think that things are good for now but I know it can't last. It would be a short chapter. I really liked the legend.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from pickthorn
It appears that Anna and the baby are adjusting to their new found freedom very well and Troy and his Dad are seemingly in control of the situation, but I'm sure we haven't heard the last of Bobby, her ex.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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It appears that Anna and the baby are adjusting to their new found freedom very well and Troy and his Dad are seemingly in control of the situation, but I'm sure we haven't heard the last of Bobby, her ex.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Louise Willard
Loved the story. Was at one time in an abusive situation and had to come of it and raise my kids alone. Very scary at first. The story rings true in every sense. I, too, have a real burden to help others to recover from abuse and do so. Great job on the story and presenting the cause in your author's statement.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Loved the story. Was at one time in an abusive situation and had to come of it and raise my kids alone. Very scary at first. The story rings true in every sense. I, too, have a real burden to help others to recover from abuse and do so. Great job on the story and presenting the cause in your author's statement.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from RebelRose
Another great chapter and 'story within a story' (the legends of the flower). I never heard of that particular type of flower but it surely is pretty. Your husband did a great job with the painting. Have a great (much needed) vacation. I will be anxiously, but patiently, awaiting your return and more of the story.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Another great chapter and 'story within a story' (the legends of the flower). I never heard of that particular type of flower but it surely is pretty. Your husband did a great job with the painting. Have a great (much needed) vacation. I will be anxiously, but patiently, awaiting your return and more of the story.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Charlene0513
To barbara.wilkey,
A very respectful Anna who is becoming knowledgeable of the native ways and is becoming comfortable with Troy around as he tries his best to encourage a sense of passion and intrigue to Anna.
Very good flow with a slick way of getting Anna'a attention with those blankets.
Charlene
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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To barbara.wilkey,
A very respectful Anna who is becoming knowledgeable of the native ways and is becoming comfortable with Troy around as he tries his best to encourage a sense of passion and intrigue to Anna.
Very good flow with a slick way of getting Anna'a attention with those blankets.
Charlene
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tom C. Adams
I enjoyed reading this chapter, barbara.wilkey. Troy and his indian blanket stories seemed to show that Troy is surely the real deal.
I suppose this will be cleared up, or perhaps it already has been in a prior chapter [one that I have not read]: If Anna has seemingly strict rules about phone use, yet when Troy handed her his number, she thanked him and accepted it [as if there are no rules afterall?]. Please ignore this comment if it has already been explained.
This is a great, well constructed story. I look forward to reading the next chapter, and I WILL go back and read other chapters, I promise!
Regards,
Tom C. Adams
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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I enjoyed reading this chapter, barbara.wilkey. Troy and his indian blanket stories seemed to show that Troy is surely the real deal.
I suppose this will be cleared up, or perhaps it already has been in a prior chapter [one that I have not read]: If Anna has seemingly strict rules about phone use, yet when Troy handed her his number, she thanked him and accepted it [as if there are no rules afterall?]. Please ignore this comment if it has already been explained.
This is a great, well constructed story. I look forward to reading the next chapter, and I WILL go back and read other chapters, I promise!
Regards,
Tom C. Adams
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Anna is about ready to live in an appartment and leave the security of hiding from her abusive husband. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Awesome artwork-your hubby has talent!!! This is a superbly written chapter with the flowers and their legends. I can identify with how awkward it is to accept help when your used to doing everything yourself. Great work!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Awesome artwork-your hubby has talent!!! This is a superbly written chapter with the flowers and their legends. I can identify with how awkward it is to accept help when your used to doing everything yourself. Great work!!! Debbie
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from misscookie
Your husband does wonderful art work it's a talent from God and He will bless your husband that his cup runeth over.
I love the poem because. Some one took time to give her hope that she will make it. I pray this will touch readers or they will pass a flower to someone. Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Your husband does wonderful art work it's a talent from God and He will bless your husband that his cup runeth over.
I love the poem because. Some one took time to give her hope that she will make it. I pray this will touch readers or they will pass a flower to someone. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and insight.
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Your very welcome.
Comment from peggles
Another excellent chapter
You truly are a prolific novelist
A sweet additional tale of the old man and the rose excellent job.
Your writing is clear, well-written and cleverly constructed, I cannot suggest anything for improvement
Seems to get better every chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Another excellent chapter
You truly are a prolific novelist
A sweet additional tale of the old man and the rose excellent job.
Your writing is clear, well-written and cleverly constructed, I cannot suggest anything for improvement
Seems to get better every chapter.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.