Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Part 2, Chapter 9"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
81 total reviews
Comment from lucylambchop
Hi barbara.wilkey,I like your story as the sense of the main character's unease and mistrust of the other people in her life comes across well. Anna clearly has strong reasons behind this and I think you show well how a single mother would cope in this situation. Thanks, I enjoyed reading your work, with kind regards from lucylambchop.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Hi barbara.wilkey,I like your story as the sense of the main character's unease and mistrust of the other people in her life comes across well. Anna clearly has strong reasons behind this and I think you show well how a single mother would cope in this situation. Thanks, I enjoyed reading your work, with kind regards from lucylambchop.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Violet Demise
Very nice. You had me interested from the beginning to the very end. Only, now I'm curious and I'm gonna have to read all the previous chapters lol (not that that's a bad thing:)). You have some great lines in there. This one was my favorite: "She studied the chicken then placed it in the refrigerator."
Keep up the good work and best wishes,
~Violet~
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Very nice. You had me interested from the beginning to the very end. Only, now I'm curious and I'm gonna have to read all the previous chapters lol (not that that's a bad thing:)). You have some great lines in there. This one was my favorite: "She studied the chicken then placed it in the refrigerator."
Keep up the good work and best wishes,
~Violet~
Comment Written 31-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tellis
I think she still hasn't got much confidence in herself yet and I know Troy will find a way to tell her about the secretary, LoL. Great chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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I think she still hasn't got much confidence in herself yet and I know Troy will find a way to tell her about the secretary, LoL. Great chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 31-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rheabug
This was a very well written chapter in your ongoing book. I did not see any mistakes in this presentation. I think you did a great job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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This was a very well written chapter in your ongoing book. I did not see any mistakes in this presentation. I think you did a great job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Paradox Tremors
My heart bleeds for Anna--we always misread things when our heart has been broken. I hope Anna will let him ex[lain before it's too late. A good write my friend.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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My heart bleeds for Anna--we always misread things when our heart has been broken. I hope Anna will let him ex[lain before it's too late. A good write my friend.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Helen Tan
It's difficult being trapped in one relationship, in her marriage and yet attracted to someone else. that pang of jealousy and maybe a "reality check" is not welcomed but totally believable.
With Michael strapped in the cart, Anna began shopping.
Here is an opportunity for you to give more glimpse into Anna's life. "shopping" - maybe you could list some of the things she picked up.
With Michael strapped in the cart, Anna scanned the shelves. Milk powder, diapers ( about three, four items so we see what her life ) ... piled onto her cart.
Just a thought for you to consider.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2011
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It's difficult being trapped in one relationship, in her marriage and yet attracted to someone else. that pang of jealousy and maybe a "reality check" is not welcomed but totally believable.
With Michael strapped in the cart, Anna began shopping.
Here is an opportunity for you to give more glimpse into Anna's life. "shopping" - maybe you could list some of the things she picked up.
With Michael strapped in the cart, Anna scanned the shelves. Milk powder, diapers ( about three, four items so we see what her life ) ... piled onto her cart.
Just a thought for you to consider.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2011
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Thank you for the suggestion. I added a few things to her cart.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, This is also excellent. Anna seemed to jump to conclusions pretty quick but then some people do.
A couple of things:
who left the shelve(')s stocking cart (I think or is is shelves'?)
Anna made two trips but carried them inside. (this seemed a little awkward. Maybe something like - To carry them inside, she had to make two trips. - something like that.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Hi Barbara, This is also excellent. Anna seemed to jump to conclusions pretty quick but then some people do.
A couple of things:
who left the shelve(')s stocking cart (I think or is is shelves'?)
Anna made two trips but carried them inside. (this seemed a little awkward. Maybe something like - To carry them inside, she had to make two trips. - something like that.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Azoron2
Good chapter.
Your descriptions of actions and people were good.
In the paragraph that begins with "I have to go after her." you can delete the word 'shelves.'
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2011
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Good chapter.
Your descriptions of actions and people were good.
In the paragraph that begins with "I have to go after her." you can delete the word 'shelves.'
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Causey
The continuation of this story in in fine form, it is interesting and tells the of abuse in a marriage and family.
You have captured it well. Please continue with this story.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2011
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The continuation of this story in in fine form, it is interesting and tells the of abuse in a marriage and family.
You have captured it well. Please continue with this story.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Thanks for sharing another chapter in your novel. I enjoyed the development of the plot, the characterization and, certainly the theme of your novel... You begin it with a nice overview of what went on before.
I've left a few comments below:
Anna sped away.
[Spacing problem.]
Troy pulled into Anna's apartment complex.[Kind of an abrupt transition here, to my feeling. You went from paying in the store to pulling into the apartment complex ... with no transition.
You misunderstood what you saw. Let me explain." [I have a bit of a problem with character motivation, here, Barbara. If he knows that she has misinterpreted his being with his secretary, why doesn't he just tell her? He told her she misunderstood... why wouldn't he tell her WHAT she misunderstood? Without doing that you risk the reader thinking that the writer wants to emotionally hold the reader a while longer without the information. Writer to writer, we know why you wanted to do this... because of the paragraphs below. But, unfortunately the reader picks up on this "lapse" as well.]
I hope none of this came through as wantonly critical, Barbara and can accept them as I offered them.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2011
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Thanks for sharing another chapter in your novel. I enjoyed the development of the plot, the characterization and, certainly the theme of your novel... You begin it with a nice overview of what went on before.
I've left a few comments below:
Anna sped away.
[Spacing problem.]
Troy pulled into Anna's apartment complex.[Kind of an abrupt transition here, to my feeling. You went from paying in the store to pulling into the apartment complex ... with no transition.
You misunderstood what you saw. Let me explain." [I have a bit of a problem with character motivation, here, Barbara. If he knows that she has misinterpreted his being with his secretary, why doesn't he just tell her? He told her she misunderstood... why wouldn't he tell her WHAT she misunderstood? Without doing that you risk the reader thinking that the writer wants to emotionally hold the reader a while longer without the information. Writer to writer, we know why you wanted to do this... because of the paragraphs below. But, unfortunately the reader picks up on this "lapse" as well.]
I hope none of this came through as wantonly critical, Barbara and can accept them as I offered them.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2011
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I made the first changes you suggested and am still pondering the last change. I don't want to reveal too much information, yet. I will continue thinking how to handle it better.