Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Part 2, Chapter 12"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
73 total reviews
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, great to be able to catch another chapter from you. It's fine overall, just a few suggestions:
Anna quickly stood. "I don't want to hear any more lies." She took a step [back/away].
Or
Anna quickly stood and took a step away. "I don't want to hear any more lies."
"That's scary." Her eyes widened. - change it around
Her eyes widened. "That's scary."
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Hi Barb, great to be able to catch another chapter from you. It's fine overall, just a few suggestions:
Anna quickly stood. "I don't want to hear any more lies." She took a step [back/away].
Or
Anna quickly stood and took a step away. "I don't want to hear any more lies."
"That's scary." Her eyes widened. - change it around
Her eyes widened. "That's scary."
Comment Written 02-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I am sorry for the late reply. I wanted to wait to make sure I made the corrections and I just now had time to do it. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from Mike Momba
The story flows well and clearly expressed. It is entertaing and medically informative. The subject matter holds attention till the end. Sufficient suspense is created to keep reader going even now I remain itching to know what happened next
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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The story flows well and clearly expressed. It is entertaing and medically informative. The subject matter holds attention till the end. Sufficient suspense is created to keep reader going even now I remain itching to know what happened next
Comment Written 02-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mara del Mar
A chapter very exciting. Not I think Troy has lost the oportunity with Anna, she the loves and understand. Congrats by a good job, excellent.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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A chapter very exciting. Not I think Troy has lost the oportunity with Anna, she the loves and understand. Congrats by a good job, excellent.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
I wonder if this will be the last surprise she gets from Troy. He should have mentioned he had hepatitis B. She could only assume the worse since Troy didn't talk about it.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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I wonder if this will be the last surprise she gets from Troy. He should have mentioned he had hepatitis B. She could only assume the worse since Troy didn't talk about it.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Malerie
Very intriguing; I like this so far. I need to read the first part of this. It has the makings of a great novel of love and mystery. Also, I like the fact that you have included, in your notes, some very valuable information regarding hepatitis B. Thanks for sharing this and I look forward to reading more of this story.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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Very intriguing; I like this so far. I need to read the first part of this. It has the makings of a great novel of love and mystery. Also, I like the fact that you have included, in your notes, some very valuable information regarding hepatitis B. Thanks for sharing this and I look forward to reading more of this story.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from HPicasso
Hello Mrs. Barbara,
Another chapter for me. Chapter thirty-eight in your book is wonderfully written. This story line is coming along nicely. Troy has got support from Anna.
your dialogue is superb and drives the story along. Your descriptive writing is excellent in this chapter. Well done!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Hello Mrs. Barbara,
Another chapter for me. Chapter thirty-eight in your book is wonderfully written. This story line is coming along nicely. Troy has got support from Anna.
your dialogue is superb and drives the story along. Your descriptive writing is excellent in this chapter. Well done!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from axelbeariter
If nothing else, you have given the reader a great description of the perils related to having contracted Hepatitis B. I, for one, had no clue about how this disease affects those who have it.----Best of all, in this chapter, you keep the tension going constantly.----"Am I going to lose my chance with you?"/Great hook
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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If nothing else, you have given the reader a great description of the perils related to having contracted Hepatitis B. I, for one, had no clue about how this disease affects those who have it.----Best of all, in this chapter, you keep the tension going constantly.----"Am I going to lose my chance with you?"/Great hook
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Carasue
Without the background, I was a little lost in the beginning, but the writing seems to make sense and flow nicely.
THere are a few places that could be cleaned up. "Removing" your cell phone sounds like you're putting it down not opening it for a call.
The line about Anna crying under the oak tree is a little forced. could probably get away with "She's a mess" and nodding toward her. I'm unclear how Troy and Paul happened upon Anna and Everett without planning on meeting them. Seems a little forced there. Really like the educational angle about Heptatitis.
REad through your dialogue out loud, maybe with some one else and listen for any stilted language.
I think you could drop the interior thoughts of each character and let the reader figure out what the character is thinking by his actions and dialogue. Spelling it out for the reader seems a bit obvious and I think your writing is powerful enough to convey the thoughts. The thoughts are unnecessary and really slow the story.
Seems like a good story. Good luck!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Without the background, I was a little lost in the beginning, but the writing seems to make sense and flow nicely.
THere are a few places that could be cleaned up. "Removing" your cell phone sounds like you're putting it down not opening it for a call.
The line about Anna crying under the oak tree is a little forced. could probably get away with "She's a mess" and nodding toward her. I'm unclear how Troy and Paul happened upon Anna and Everett without planning on meeting them. Seems a little forced there. Really like the educational angle about Heptatitis.
REad through your dialogue out loud, maybe with some one else and listen for any stilted language.
I think you could drop the interior thoughts of each character and let the reader figure out what the character is thinking by his actions and dialogue. Spelling it out for the reader seems a bit obvious and I think your writing is powerful enough to convey the thoughts. The thoughts are unnecessary and really slow the story.
Seems like a good story. Good luck!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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I will recheck those areas. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from cchooks
Barbara,
I think this is the second thing of yours I've read. I am jumping in mid story, however, I am now interested to know what happened, not as a reviewer, but as a reader. The story is compelling and extemely well written. I am heading on a collision course of becoming one of your fans I think. Good work. Ahhh there is just so much to read, wish I had time... Again good work.
Dave
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Barbara,
I think this is the second thing of yours I've read. I am jumping in mid story, however, I am now interested to know what happened, not as a reviewer, but as a reader. The story is compelling and extemely well written. I am heading on a collision course of becoming one of your fans I think. Good work. Ahhh there is just so much to read, wish I had time... Again good work.
Dave
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
NICELY DONE CHAPTER. WHAT A BLESSING FOR ANA TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO CARE AND BE WITH. I REALLY ENJOYED READING THIS SHORT CHAPTER.
GOD BLESS YOU BARBARA!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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NICELY DONE CHAPTER. WHAT A BLESSING FOR ANA TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO CARE AND BE WITH. I REALLY ENJOYED READING THIS SHORT CHAPTER.
GOD BLESS YOU BARBARA!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.