Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Part three, Chapter 12"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
68 total reviews
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This is another cleverly written chapter, Barbara, and I enjoyed reading it very much. It is well thought out and a good addition to your book.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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This is another cleverly written chapter, Barbara, and I enjoyed reading it very much. It is well thought out and a good addition to your book.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your review. I am confused why I received four stars. Please let me know what I can improve.
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I'm sorry Barbara, it was an accident. You definitely deserve 5, I'll fix it.
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I happens to me. It's such a touchy subject, when you ask someone if they messed up. I do it often. I get in a hurry and mess up. I understand.
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I know what you mean, you don't want to ask in case they didn't make a mistake but you want to make sure ;0) I definitely meant to give you 5 stars ;0)
Comment from dbmccarter
It took me awhile to catch up. I have gone back to work till after Christmas and I have had trouble keeping up. I'm glad this chapter turned in Anna's favor.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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It took me awhile to catch up. I have gone back to work till after Christmas and I have had trouble keeping up. I'm glad this chapter turned in Anna's favor.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Good info on getting the vaccine. I always kept mine up to date when I worked in healthcare, I think it has probably lapsed by now. Great chapter. I like how you give the reader the feeling Anna will never be safe as that is how it really is~Debbie
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Good info on getting the vaccine. I always kept mine up to date when I worked in healthcare, I think it has probably lapsed by now. Great chapter. I like how you give the reader the feeling Anna will never be safe as that is how it really is~Debbie
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I know it's hard to keep up while working.
Comment from Carasue
This section isn't as clean as the last, but it's exciting. Here's a few thoughts -
cut one of the "dad"s in the seconed paragraph and use "he".
Watch the phrase "removed his phone" - just sounds strange like he's going to put it down somewhere, not make a call. Try "took out his phone" or skip to simply, "made a call", since everyone knows we all have cell phones.
I was confused by the section about the mother-in-law not answering questions. Was she on the witness stand or just sitting at a table with the lawyer - it's fuzzy, maybe you need to give it a little structure, like saying she watched her mother-in-law (I'd use her actual name) badger Mr. Brown with panicky questions, which he ignored.
The "who and where is Dale Parker" is a stiff question and the who is never answered. Do the men already know who he is? Is this a big surpise - this needs a little filling in too.
It is hard to follow when the dialogue is between the attouney and witness or between the attorney and client. I had to keep figuring that out. I'm not sure how you make that more clear, but it needs to be.
The scene with the plaintiff screaming is a big one. Needs a little more, plus name the plaintiff instead of calling the person "plaintiff" unless the person is anonymous.
It think this is a good romance story, just needs to be smoothed out and tightened. the storyline is good and interesting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2011
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This section isn't as clean as the last, but it's exciting. Here's a few thoughts -
cut one of the "dad"s in the seconed paragraph and use "he".
Watch the phrase "removed his phone" - just sounds strange like he's going to put it down somewhere, not make a call. Try "took out his phone" or skip to simply, "made a call", since everyone knows we all have cell phones.
I was confused by the section about the mother-in-law not answering questions. Was she on the witness stand or just sitting at a table with the lawyer - it's fuzzy, maybe you need to give it a little structure, like saying she watched her mother-in-law (I'd use her actual name) badger Mr. Brown with panicky questions, which he ignored.
The "who and where is Dale Parker" is a stiff question and the who is never answered. Do the men already know who he is? Is this a big surpise - this needs a little filling in too.
It is hard to follow when the dialogue is between the attouney and witness or between the attorney and client. I had to keep figuring that out. I'm not sure how you make that more clear, but it needs to be.
The scene with the plaintiff screaming is a big one. Needs a little more, plus name the plaintiff instead of calling the person "plaintiff" unless the person is anonymous.
It think this is a good romance story, just needs to be smoothed out and tightened. the storyline is good and interesting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2011
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I made many of the corrections you suggested. A few I disagreed with, but I thank you for the review.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Well, I'm interested to see what she does to protect herself from Bobby. BTW, she needs to get a restraining order on bobby before he's released. That won't stop him from doing anything, but it will allow her to have him be arrested if he violates it in anyway.
Anna sat at the defendant's table. I wonder what's going on. Paul barely spoke in the car. --- I think you should add, "on the way here." Otherwise, the timeline gets messed up and you don't know she's talking about something in the past.
"You're holding a statement from the First National Bank. It shows a money transfer from the private account of Peggy Rodgers to the account of Dale Parker. The transfer was ten-thousand dollars." --- I assume this is Everett talking? If so, Paul would hand him the document and have him describe it first, and then ask its significance. Witnesses always testify about documents in their hands or on the table thing in the front of the witness box. Also, Paul would submit a copy to be admitted into evidence and give a copy to Brown. Copies of documents are always provided to the other attornney, even if it's only done in court.
Sam Rodgers stood. "I can't believe you would do such a horrible thing." He left the courtroom and slammed the door. --- Most courtrooms have those things that control the closing of the door, so it's pretty hard to slam them.
The plaintiff screamed, "These are all lies! I'm innocent!" --- The judge has already warned her several times. The judge should find her in contempt here and fine her at least $250.
Roberta
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2011
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Well, I'm interested to see what she does to protect herself from Bobby. BTW, she needs to get a restraining order on bobby before he's released. That won't stop him from doing anything, but it will allow her to have him be arrested if he violates it in anyway.
Anna sat at the defendant's table. I wonder what's going on. Paul barely spoke in the car. --- I think you should add, "on the way here." Otherwise, the timeline gets messed up and you don't know she's talking about something in the past.
"You're holding a statement from the First National Bank. It shows a money transfer from the private account of Peggy Rodgers to the account of Dale Parker. The transfer was ten-thousand dollars." --- I assume this is Everett talking? If so, Paul would hand him the document and have him describe it first, and then ask its significance. Witnesses always testify about documents in their hands or on the table thing in the front of the witness box. Also, Paul would submit a copy to be admitted into evidence and give a copy to Brown. Copies of documents are always provided to the other attornney, even if it's only done in court.
Sam Rodgers stood. "I can't believe you would do such a horrible thing." He left the courtroom and slammed the door. --- Most courtrooms have those things that control the closing of the door, so it's pretty hard to slam them.
The plaintiff screamed, "These are all lies! I'm innocent!" --- The judge has already warned her several times. The judge should find her in contempt here and fine her at least $250.
Roberta
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the review. I made a hard copy so I wouldn't miss anything.
Comment from HPicasso
Hello Mrs. Barbara,
Another excellent chapter.
Anna is right about these kind of people they don't give up.
I wait that all is well, because Paul is a brilliant lawyer.
I look forward to seeing a new chapter. Very sad that it really occurs in life.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Hello Mrs. Barbara,
Another excellent chapter.
Anna is right about these kind of people they don't give up.
I wait that all is well, because Paul is a brilliant lawyer.
I look forward to seeing a new chapter. Very sad that it really occurs in life.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from alexisleech
A very good conclusion to the court case! It is so annoying to think that people who can throw money at clever lawyers often get away with things. I'm sure anyone following this excellent write will be happier than Anna at the outcome, but her reaction warns us that there may be repercussions, so keeps us guessing!
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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A very good conclusion to the court case! It is so annoying to think that people who can throw money at clever lawyers often get away with things. I'm sure anyone following this excellent write will be happier than Anna at the outcome, but her reaction warns us that there may be repercussions, so keeps us guessing!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tonulak
This chapter was very well-done on all levels; the story arc as the discussion at the lake, leads to discussion with the lawyer and the excellent courtroom reveal, still witholding the facts to the reader, but revealing the results of the events. I still hope further chapters will fill us in. Very nice job..
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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This chapter was very well-done on all levels; the story arc as the discussion at the lake, leads to discussion with the lawyer and the excellent courtroom reveal, still witholding the facts to the reader, but revealing the results of the events. I still hope further chapters will fill us in. Very nice job..
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
oh dear, Anna's in trouble now. I can't believe Peggy would do such a thing when she knows what a scroat her son is. You'd think she would want the best for her grandson but sadly there are a lot of mothers out there who would do the same as Peggy to protect their own. Great writing and so true to life.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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oh dear, Anna's in trouble now. I can't believe Peggy would do such a thing when she knows what a scroat her son is. You'd think she would want the best for her grandson but sadly there are a lot of mothers out there who would do the same as Peggy to protect their own. Great writing and so true to life.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Great chapter Barbara. Evil may hide in the darkness for a while, but eventually Light will reveal it. I am glad it has so far turned out well for Anna. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Great chapter Barbara. Evil may hide in the darkness for a while, but eventually Light will reveal it. I am glad it has so far turned out well for Anna. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.