Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 67 "part three, Chapter 20"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
71 total reviews
Comment from Anisa-
Oh ... I was totally confused about the indian blankets until I read your notes! Lol. Even then, it took me a while. I was picturing actual blankets not flowers.
Anyway, another great addition to your story! I always leave feeling it could have been a bit longer, but making it shorter I suppose makes it a little easier to read in this review-type environment.
Well done! Looking forward to more.
Anisa
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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Oh ... I was totally confused about the indian blankets until I read your notes! Lol. Even then, it took me a while. I was picturing actual blankets not flowers.
Anyway, another great addition to your story! I always leave feeling it could have been a bit longer, but making it shorter I suppose makes it a little easier to read in this review-type environment.
Well done! Looking forward to more.
Anisa
Comment Written 23-May-2012
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Scarbrems
I actually thought the eyes opening and closing was good. It does add to the realism, because a coma patient does not wake up and instantly speak, but if you want to go for realism, when she does speak I think you should describe the sound of her voice. It would be cracked and slurred and her eyes wouldn't focus istantly. But that's nitty, it's a good chapter
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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I actually thought the eyes opening and closing was good. It does add to the realism, because a coma patient does not wake up and instantly speak, but if you want to go for realism, when she does speak I think you should describe the sound of her voice. It would be cracked and slurred and her eyes wouldn't focus istantly. But that's nitty, it's a good chapter
Comment Written 23-May-2012
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from eliz100
This was a good read from beginning to end. I believe the concept that mother's will respond to their child , if at all possible.
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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This was a good read from beginning to end. I believe the concept that mother's will respond to their child , if at all possible.
Comment Written 23-May-2012
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from MizKat
barbara.wilkey - Wow, this is a great chapter. I really enjoyed it a lot. I always like reading what you write, your're so good at it. Kat
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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barbara.wilkey - Wow, this is a great chapter. I really enjoyed it a lot. I always like reading what you write, your're so good at it. Kat
Comment Written 23-May-2012
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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Thank you the kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, looks like she's going to be alright. One comment, the scene seems quite flat. After days of anxiety, I think you should inject more emotions overall when Anna comes about. Especially the part when comes about. I need to picture her more clearly. How does she say those words? Is it a whisper, a weak or breathless phrase? And the rest, especially the women, should be teary by then.
Her eyes opened, closed, then reopened. They remained open. "Michael." Anna stared at her son for a few moments. "He's really here." She rubbed his back and closed her eyes. - more description on her reactions overall other than just opening and closing eyes.
Maybe something like this:
Her closed lids fluttered before her eyes drifted open. They waited in silence for a further reaction but Anna's lids closed back, then magically reopened. Her gaze focused on her son. "Michael." The word slipped out her mouth and everyone gasped, finally letting go of their held breath. Anna stared at her son for some moments. "He's really here...." She touched his back before her closing her eyes again. [I use 'touched' here instead of 'rubbed' as I picture her still weak. It takes some effort to rub.]
Your writing is nit free, but in a scene like this, adds some play of emotions, play with the senses.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 27-May-2012
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Hi Barb, looks like she's going to be alright. One comment, the scene seems quite flat. After days of anxiety, I think you should inject more emotions overall when Anna comes about. Especially the part when comes about. I need to picture her more clearly. How does she say those words? Is it a whisper, a weak or breathless phrase? And the rest, especially the women, should be teary by then.
Her eyes opened, closed, then reopened. They remained open. "Michael." Anna stared at her son for a few moments. "He's really here." She rubbed his back and closed her eyes. - more description on her reactions overall other than just opening and closing eyes.
Maybe something like this:
Her closed lids fluttered before her eyes drifted open. They waited in silence for a further reaction but Anna's lids closed back, then magically reopened. Her gaze focused on her son. "Michael." The word slipped out her mouth and everyone gasped, finally letting go of their held breath. Anna stared at her son for some moments. "He's really here...." She touched his back before her closing her eyes again. [I use 'touched' here instead of 'rubbed' as I picture her still weak. It takes some effort to rub.]
Your writing is nit free, but in a scene like this, adds some play of emotions, play with the senses.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 23-May-2012
reply by the author on 27-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and I have made changes.
Comment from rheabug
I read this a few days ago and was overwhelmed at the outcome with Anna coming out of the coma. I love the Indian Blankets that cover our Texas fields. They are amazing and how clever of you to use them in your story. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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I read this a few days ago and was overwhelmed at the outcome with Anna coming out of the coma. I love the Indian Blankets that cover our Texas fields. They are amazing and how clever of you to use them in your story. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 22-May-2012
reply by the author on 23-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Adri7enne
Chee! Right up to the author notes, I was imagining actual Indian blankets, rather than the flower. I had images of Indian blankets piled up all over the room. Different, I assure you! LOL!
Good chapter with some good dialogue. You explained the phenomenon well.
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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Chee! Right up to the author notes, I was imagining actual Indian blankets, rather than the flower. I had images of Indian blankets piled up all over the room. Different, I assure you! LOL!
Good chapter with some good dialogue. You explained the phenomenon well.
Comment Written 22-May-2012
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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LOL, thank you for the kind review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another wonderful bit. I couldn't find anything amiss in this piece. I would love to see the childs reaction to his mother opening her eyes. well done.
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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Another wonderful bit. I couldn't find anything amiss in this piece. I would love to see the childs reaction to his mother opening her eyes. well done.
Comment Written 22-May-2012
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Flamingbush
Such a well written story with the Indian blankets and all! I like the back and forth conversation between Anna's visitors. You do a great job with gestures, movements and other forms of body language to indicate speakers, actions etc. (I'm taking notes to improve my own writing). I see where you weave that message of the mother's love right in with the dialogue for added impact.
This chapter is very touching.
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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Such a well written story with the Indian blankets and all! I like the back and forth conversation between Anna's visitors. You do a great job with gestures, movements and other forms of body language to indicate speakers, actions etc. (I'm taking notes to improve my own writing). I see where you weave that message of the mother's love right in with the dialogue for added impact.
This chapter is very touching.
Comment Written 22-May-2012
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Aarondodd1989
I'm feeling the eyes opening and closing is happening a few too many times now. I understand you are trying to create drama with this but it's maybe at the point where it's overdone.
This addition didn't really add anything following the previous story I read... It's actually more of the same. I'd think carefully about whether or not you need this addition.
The indian blankets is maybe the character development you wanted to include?
If this is the last time Anna wakes up, you've maybe stopped just in time, if not, I would rethink this approach personnally.
This was well written though and the characters each had their own voice. for this reason I will give you a five. Also, I'm not reading the whole story, but for that reason I would suggest considering what I said.
Good writing.
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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I'm feeling the eyes opening and closing is happening a few too many times now. I understand you are trying to create drama with this but it's maybe at the point where it's overdone.
This addition didn't really add anything following the previous story I read... It's actually more of the same. I'd think carefully about whether or not you need this addition.
The indian blankets is maybe the character development you wanted to include?
If this is the last time Anna wakes up, you've maybe stopped just in time, if not, I would rethink this approach personnally.
This was well written though and the characters each had their own voice. for this reason I will give you a five. Also, I'm not reading the whole story, but for that reason I would suggest considering what I said.
Good writing.
Comment Written 22-May-2012
reply by the author on 22-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review. I put the amount of times a person opens and closes their in because someone does not quickly come out of a coma and I wanted it to be realistic.