Bluejean Baby Queen
It hurts so bad ...25 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
Wow! You really know how to put a twist in a story. I like the way you build excitment and then just when I thought the blue-jeaned beauty was about the die, you make her the monster instead of the other way around.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
  |
Wow! You really know how to put a twist in a story. I like the way you build excitment and then just when I thought the blue-jeaned beauty was about the die, you make her the monster instead of the other way around.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
-
Hi Beth! I'm so glad you're back. And as always, grateful for your time and enjoyment of my work. Love, Susan
Comment from LancsLass
Hi, Susan, strong images here in a very visual story. I felt I were sitting in the bar watching.
'...and like an animal, he heard himself growl.'
'...they rocked the Denali like a boat on an angry sea.' Such descriptive lines, just great.
Typo:
'He moved gracefully (to) toward the ladies room door...'
Things to consider:
'No fear became her'
Fearlessness/lack of fear became her. No fear overcame her.
'They rolled into the back, where a soft sleeping bag was open, ready. Like her body.'
Changing period after ready to comma to attach the two thoughts.
'She was on him instantly, her tongue down his throat and small hand already clasping his member.'
Could she clasp through his pants? Member sounds a bit out of voice.
Can he be 'tall and dark' and be a 'silver fox'?
If he's her father, he can't be a 'stranger' can he? And if he's raped her before he wouldn't be wondering if she was tight.
Just things that occurred to me while reading, if useful great, if not great too.
Thanks for a good, entertaining read, in a gruesome sort of way, LOL
Anna
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
 |
Hi, Susan, strong images here in a very visual story. I felt I were sitting in the bar watching.
'...and like an animal, he heard himself growl.'
'...they rocked the Denali like a boat on an angry sea.' Such descriptive lines, just great.
Typo:
'He moved gracefully (to) toward the ladies room door...'
Things to consider:
'No fear became her'
Fearlessness/lack of fear became her. No fear overcame her.
'They rolled into the back, where a soft sleeping bag was open, ready. Like her body.'
Changing period after ready to comma to attach the two thoughts.
'She was on him instantly, her tongue down his throat and small hand already clasping his member.'
Could she clasp through his pants? Member sounds a bit out of voice.
Can he be 'tall and dark' and be a 'silver fox'?
If he's her father, he can't be a 'stranger' can he? And if he's raped her before he wouldn't be wondering if she was tight.
Just things that occurred to me while reading, if useful great, if not great too.
Thanks for a good, entertaining read, in a gruesome sort of way, LOL
Anna
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
-
HI Anna! Great points. Ones I thought I had right, but haven't! This is to go in a book so your help is extra extra helpful! I promise to correct these! You are a wonderful reviewer as well as writer. I am very grateful to you. xoxo. Susan
-
A book? Oh, how cool. Good for you, Susan. :)
-
I hope it will work out...I guess all we can do is try? Thank you Anna. We'll see! :) Susan
Comment from Scarbrems
This is twisted, violent and very well done. I like the neat turn of events and the end, so nice to see the man get his just desserts. Well done
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
|
This is twisted, violent and very well done. I like the neat turn of events and the end, so nice to see the man get his just desserts. Well done
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
-
I do enjoy the occasional surprise!? Thank you Emsey. I'm glad you took a stroll down the dark alley and found a thrill. :) Susan
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Well wasn't that a profound kick in the nuts!
This was well executed, knowing when to strike and when to pause.
Love the title.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
|
Well wasn't that a profound kick in the nuts!
This was well executed, knowing when to strike and when to pause.
Love the title.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
-
LOL! Yes! Timely turn of events for the perv. I love to surprise once in a while, and thank you for venturing down my dark alleyway Ingrid! hug, Susan
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
Wow Susan that was some story it had me on the edge of my seat. A good and excitable piece of writing. You are a born story teller. A great write. Mary
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
|
Wow Susan that was some story it had me on the edge of my seat. A good and excitable piece of writing. You are a born story teller. A great write. Mary
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
-
HI Mary...What a great surprise to see you read this! I like the shock and maybe awe once in a while...I thank you very much for daring to peer into a dark corner! xoxo. Susan
Comment from Fluffyhead
woah the ending through me for a loop. Could smell the bar and the people inside and the sex scene was very realistic as well.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
|
woah the ending through me for a loop. Could smell the bar and the people inside and the sex scene was very realistic as well.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
-
Hi Fluff! How are you? Thanks for reading this and taking time to respond! Sorry for a late reply...I sure wish I felt better. Please take care. xoxo. Susan
-
ugh whats wrong the heat getting to ya
Comment from misscookie
Wow!
I took a chance to reach your story, all I can say is wow1
For sure there was not a dull moment.
You had my attention from the first line to the last
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
|
Wow!
I took a chance to reach your story, all I can say is wow1
For sure there was not a dull moment.
You had my attention from the first line to the last
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
-
HI Cookie! I send you an extra thank you, because I know you like calm things so much better. I just have to stretch my luck sometimes. It's just how I am. I guess...lol! Thanks again. I like to surprise once in a while! xoxo!! Susan
Comment from Donya Quijote
I wish there was some to express shock. Where are those smiley icons when you need them. Wow! Twisted and with an extra twist at the end. A nice touch by the way to have the tables turned on a would be rapists. But, but... You got me with this one. Oops, found little, tiny itsy bitsy nit: I think you meant to say they rolled into the the back... not the rolled. This was some write. Couldn't turn away. Just had to witness it to the end. Thanks for sharing...
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
|
I wish there was some to express shock. Where are those smiley icons when you need them. Wow! Twisted and with an extra twist at the end. A nice touch by the way to have the tables turned on a would be rapists. But, but... You got me with this one. Oops, found little, tiny itsy bitsy nit: I think you meant to say they rolled into the the back... not the rolled. This was some write. Couldn't turn away. Just had to witness it to the end. Thanks for sharing...
Comment Written 14-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
-
Hi there! I fixed the typo! And thank you SO much Donya! It's hard sometimes to peer into the dark corners! I really appreciate your doing that for me! hug, Susan
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, susan, you did a great job writing this story about the man who slept with his daughter and she killed him in the end. i've never seen Monster.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
|
this is very well written, susan, you did a great job writing this story about the man who slept with his daughter and she killed him in the end. i've never seen Monster.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
-
Hi! I send you genuine appreciation and a huge cyber hug for being here for me; and taking time. LOVE, Susan
Comment from Spitfire
Wow! What a ending. Apparently, she was abused by her father.
Too bad the stranger had silver hair. Excellent character portrayal. I felt her confidence as well as his-- both used as murder weapons. She was a pro. Wonder how many she had killed before this??
A different genre for you, Susan.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
|
Wow! What a ending. Apparently, she was abused by her father.
Too bad the stranger had silver hair. Excellent character portrayal. I felt her confidence as well as his-- both used as murder weapons. She was a pro. Wonder how many she had killed before this??
A different genre for you, Susan.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
-
Hi! I send you genuine appreciation and a huge cyber hug for being here for me; and taking time. LOVE, Susan