Would You Look at That?
A Mindy & Chloe Story30 total reviews
Comment from MumEsGirl
I thoroughly enjoyed this work of children's fiction. I am no good at picking out errors - glaring or otherwise.
Nice work on the characters and the verses in between add to its overall appeal
hugs
kate
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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I thoroughly enjoyed this work of children's fiction. I am no good at picking out errors - glaring or otherwise.
Nice work on the characters and the verses in between add to its overall appeal
hugs
kate
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Thank you Kate... Don't you worry, there are plenty of reviewers who relish on finding errors and pointing them out. It's one way to do it constructively, which I want and then there are those who sort of run your nose in it. Those I challenge, although its a no no!! Oh well...
I appreciate your reviews, always. I want to pursue this story for publication (at some point). We'll see ... John
Comment from Curly Girly
It read well and I can find no obvious errors. The mixture of poetry and narration is an unusual one, I am not sure what publishers think about that. They tend to want one or the other. Important issues to keep in mind when aiming for publishing:
* Who is your target audience?
* What age group? There are specific age groups - ask your librarian for guidance. Your story will need to fit into one of them.
A lengthy read for a child, but passable for an adult.
What age are you aiming at?
The chapter ends with a 'hook' which encourages the reader to want to find out what was said.
CG
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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It read well and I can find no obvious errors. The mixture of poetry and narration is an unusual one, I am not sure what publishers think about that. They tend to want one or the other. Important issues to keep in mind when aiming for publishing:
* Who is your target audience?
* What age group? There are specific age groups - ask your librarian for guidance. Your story will need to fit into one of them.
A lengthy read for a child, but passable for an adult.
What age are you aiming at?
The chapter ends with a 'hook' which encourages the reader to want to find out what was said.
CG
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Thanks a bunch CG. I cut and pasted your review so I can follow up on it.
Much appreciated .... John
Comment from IndianaIrish
I love the beginning of your story, John, and I look forward tithe next part. The names for all the critters are great. I hope you don't mind the SPAG notes I made, but if you're going to try publishing this, it needs to be polished and correct.
Would you look at that.(?) Chloe whispered.
Salty,huh. (?)
His real name ... you ready for this one,(?) she (said, instead of chuckled. Chuckle is not a speech tags because you can't talk while laughing)
When quoting long speeches, us quotation marks at the start of each paragraph but not at the end of the paragraphs until you get to the last one.
"I'm
"Sporting
"But
vow."
"I
"So ... 'Come here.' (Single quote marks for quotes inside quotation)
"What....start."
Salty on the fence. Then continued (fence and then continued, "According to Salty)
"That's a shame(,)", Chloe said.
Let(')s talk about Salty? (.)
hide." ( delete ")
That('s) all that should matter.
creed.(")
(H) how ... did he ... get ... here?"
bride. (No quote mark)
finish the story.(?)
Smiles,
Indy : )
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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I love the beginning of your story, John, and I look forward tithe next part. The names for all the critters are great. I hope you don't mind the SPAG notes I made, but if you're going to try publishing this, it needs to be polished and correct.
Would you look at that.(?) Chloe whispered.
Salty,huh. (?)
His real name ... you ready for this one,(?) she (said, instead of chuckled. Chuckle is not a speech tags because you can't talk while laughing)
When quoting long speeches, us quotation marks at the start of each paragraph but not at the end of the paragraphs until you get to the last one.
"I'm
"Sporting
"But
vow."
"I
"So ... 'Come here.' (Single quote marks for quotes inside quotation)
"What....start."
Salty on the fence. Then continued (fence and then continued, "According to Salty)
"That's a shame(,)", Chloe said.
Let(')s talk about Salty? (.)
hide." ( delete ")
That('s) all that should matter.
creed.(")
(H) how ... did he ... get ... here?"
bride. (No quote mark)
finish the story.(?)
Smiles,
Indy : )
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Karyn, awesome, thanks for the corrections. I appreciate it. Someone suggested I introduce Mindy and Chloe earlier. Which I can do. Not sure if I should. Any feel on that?
I'll take your corrections and others later today and post them.
Thanks much... Johnnyd
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
All I can say is that I wish I was at your house every night at bedtime when a small child asks you to tell them a story. I loved reading this :)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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All I can say is that I wish I was at your house every night at bedtime when a small child asks you to tell them a story. I loved reading this :)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Thank you Meghan, I appreciate your confidence. John
Comment from Selina Stambi
Such a bright, happy, brilliant read, jmdg! If I was a kid I'd be hopping from one foot to another and squealing for more.
Love the rhyming narrative! So very, very creative. I am definitely coming back for the next instalment!
An Italian squirrel - love it!
Spags:
their food for the winter (not there)
bride-to-be (missed the hyphens)
that's a shame" (missed the apostrophe and the closing inverted comma)
Jacques (has an s if you are spelling it the French way - but maybe you are not)
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Such a bright, happy, brilliant read, jmdg! If I was a kid I'd be hopping from one foot to another and squealing for more.
Love the rhyming narrative! So very, very creative. I am definitely coming back for the next instalment!
An Italian squirrel - love it!
Spags:
their food for the winter (not there)
bride-to-be (missed the hyphens)
that's a shame" (missed the apostrophe and the closing inverted comma)
Jacques (has an s if you are spelling it the French way - but maybe you are not)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Cool... Thanks for this awesome review! A six star, thanks you very much. Also, your corrections and suggestions are awesome! I did not know that about the French spelling, again thanks!
Have a great day... John
Comment from L. Sherman
A very sweet, endearing story. Both of the characters have distinct voices, which even in a whimsical story like this is important.
The segments of rhyme flow melodiously and really make the story what it is. Well paced and written in simple, easy to understand language. Appealing to mass audiences.
A slight nit in the line:
It's there food for the winter
I think you mean 'their'.
Beyond that, there's a lot of great potential and for the record, I love the original names. :)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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A very sweet, endearing story. Both of the characters have distinct voices, which even in a whimsical story like this is important.
The segments of rhyme flow melodiously and really make the story what it is. Well paced and written in simple, easy to understand language. Appealing to mass audiences.
A slight nit in the line:
It's there food for the winter
I think you mean 'their'.
Beyond that, there's a lot of great potential and for the record, I love the original names. :)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Lisa... Thank you do much for reading and sharing. Always appreciated, also the corrections. John
Comment from barkingdog
The only thing that threw me off was the descriptions of the two dogs being thrown in with the story. Maybe, you could set it up in the beginning so that they would be described before we get into the story. It felt wrong some how to step out for a description. Give their location(a yard or what ever and their description: Chloe, an eight-year-old Brittany Spaniel, wore an amber and white color coat. She scratched her triangular shaped ears and licked her pinkish colored nose. Her best friend Mindy, a tri-colored a fourteen-year-old Beagle, sniffed the summer air with her a charcoal-black nose and, happy to see Mindy, wagged her long tail.
All else moved along beautifully. I love the poem as Mindy's way of talking.
Now on with the plan...
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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The only thing that threw me off was the descriptions of the two dogs being thrown in with the story. Maybe, you could set it up in the beginning so that they would be described before we get into the story. It felt wrong some how to step out for a description. Give their location(a yard or what ever and their description: Chloe, an eight-year-old Brittany Spaniel, wore an amber and white color coat. She scratched her triangular shaped ears and licked her pinkish colored nose. Her best friend Mindy, a tri-colored a fourteen-year-old Beagle, sniffed the summer air with her a charcoal-black nose and, happy to see Mindy, wagged her long tail.
All else moved along beautifully. I love the poem as Mindy's way of talking.
Now on with the plan...
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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I'll look at placing the intro for the dogs more at the beginning. I actually started writing this a year ago for a contest which required the start to the story with that dialogue. But I understand your concern.
Thank you for the great review,,,
Talk to you later? John
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If the contest isn't an issue any longer, you can do what ever you like. No?
I really like the characters. If you set them up early, it doesn't interrupt the flow of their interaction--your story.
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Correct... The contest is way over with. I never completed the story and never submitted anything. I will set them early, "hanging out" in the family room.
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That sounds really good. It should make a nice bonding scene, too.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a good story I like the prose and poem mixture unusual the only thing I would say is its slightly long winded thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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This is a good story I like the prose and poem mixture unusual the only thing I would say is its slightly long winded thank you for sharing
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Thanks dmt for reading and sharing. I appreciate your thoughts. Long winded in what way??? Thanks, John
Comment from Titanx9
I like this story or story poem. The two animal characters are delightful. You've come up with some real dozies for names, and they artfully move the story along. You are before your time, my friend. You're integrating the animal world - LOL. I like it and I look forward to reading part two.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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I like this story or story poem. The two animal characters are delightful. You've come up with some real dozies for names, and they artfully move the story along. You are before your time, my friend. You're integrating the animal world - LOL. I like it and I look forward to reading part two.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Thank you very much Titan for taking the time to review and comment , always appreciated, John
Comment from Lynn Moses
Wow, this is a very creative piece and I am glad you are doing a part 2. Love the animals and their characters.
Just a couple of things I saw:
"Salty said squirrels and chipmunks don't marry
they are a slightly different breed,
Like foxes won't marry coyotes
that's breaking bloodline creed.["]-quotations here?
"Okay! I got that. Read my lips." Chloe spoke slowly, "how... did.... he... get...here?" Chloe was getting anxious.--I love this! Reading dog lips! That's great.
"Would you let me finish the story!" Mindy was exasperated. " Sheesh! Picky, picky, picky." --Is this all Mindy? It seems like the Picky part would be Chloe and should be on the next line-or I'm not getting something.
Very well done and I am looking forward to the second part.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Wow, this is a very creative piece and I am glad you are doing a part 2. Love the animals and their characters.
Just a couple of things I saw:
"Salty said squirrels and chipmunks don't marry
they are a slightly different breed,
Like foxes won't marry coyotes
that's breaking bloodline creed.["]-quotations here?
"Okay! I got that. Read my lips." Chloe spoke slowly, "how... did.... he... get...here?" Chloe was getting anxious.--I love this! Reading dog lips! That's great.
"Would you let me finish the story!" Mindy was exasperated. " Sheesh! Picky, picky, picky." --Is this all Mindy? It seems like the Picky part would be Chloe and should be on the next line-or I'm not getting something.
Very well done and I am looking forward to the second part.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Thank you lr for the uplifting review. I appreciate the corrections and suggestions provided. I will look at all reviewers input later on today. As always, much appreciated... John