Summer Snowstorms
A Quatern...21 total reviews
Comment from SteveY
You are a very brave soul my friend. I just kind of stick with my same old stuff. It's very hard for me to write differently I've tried. Great job though with this one.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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You are a very brave soul my friend. I just kind of stick with my same old stuff. It's very hard for me to write differently I've tried. Great job though with this one.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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What do you mean, same old stuff? I Love your poetry. Its all different too. Some are short rhymes some are long stories in themselves. All with great meaning. You're too modest. I love it. If you're ever interested in the deeper meaning feel free to read my back and forth with Rama, a friend, on it. Thank you so much my friend. Bless you.
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
An excellent quatern, Gregory Cody. Loved the repetition of "I am meant for more than this room" to convey to the reader the angst of being trapped in a situation/particular mind set, and not being able to rid onself of it.
Fave line .... "standing on yesterday's doorstep" ... he can't move forward. Great imagery.
Well done!
bichonfrisegirl aka Connie
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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An excellent quatern, Gregory Cody. Loved the repetition of "I am meant for more than this room" to convey to the reader the angst of being trapped in a situation/particular mind set, and not being able to rid onself of it.
Fave line .... "standing on yesterday's doorstep" ... he can't move forward. Great imagery.
Well done!
bichonfrisegirl aka Connie
Comment Written 05-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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Thank you Connie! I always love hearing from you! I'm glad you liked this.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, grgory, you did an excellent job writing this beautiful heartfelt poem about the one who seeks to break free of bonds. i enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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this is very well written, grgory, you did an excellent job writing this beautiful heartfelt poem about the one who seeks to break free of bonds. i enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 05-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much. Coming from you that's a true compliment ;)
Comment from rama devi
Wow, Gregory, this is powerful and poignant and a superb Quatern. (I have never written one and so enjoyed your notes as well).
While the setting seems to be a young boy struck indoors in a snowstorm, the tone and imagery make me think of a patient in a hospital room (is that where you are now? You said you've been ill...)
Having worked in a hospital and visiting the very sick in ICU's etc, this poem really resonates with me (by this interpretation).
The repeating line is brilliant, as it builds momentum and gains intensity as the scenic details unfold. It also SOUNDS good with alliteration and consonance of M sounds--acting like a background HUMMmmmmmmm through the whole poem.
poignant and potent image:
Left within pairs of strangers' shoes,
standing on yesterday's doorstep ~
a trembling boy at a locked door
*one spag suggestion:(optional but recommended)--
Can I believe my mother's dreams(?)
Brilliant descriptive lines with superb alliteration on B and T:
Breathing between bleach and perfume ~
awake below concrete tip toes
*
Mostly hoping tears drop silent ~
whispers to mirrors dry cracked cheeks
Wow--very powerful imagery and phrasing. I think mirrors needs an apostrophe?
whispers to mirror's dry cracked cheeks
Great grouping of S and L sounds in the closing stanza:
Snowstorms wash over the summer
Slipping into a shallow grave,
lost, clinging to wet rolling ropes,
begging for a purpose to bloom
Sounds fantastic read aloud.
This would be a six were it not for small nits, and because (due to our friendship and your history as a client) I trust you'll edit spags (and consider the optional suggestions too)--I feel no hesitation to award six stars in advance (since I cannot return to upgrade in the case of a six).
And it is NOT given in reciprocity for the six you gave me! This poem deserves it.
Lovely picture, too, BTW.
Warmest smiles, rd
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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Wow, Gregory, this is powerful and poignant and a superb Quatern. (I have never written one and so enjoyed your notes as well).
While the setting seems to be a young boy struck indoors in a snowstorm, the tone and imagery make me think of a patient in a hospital room (is that where you are now? You said you've been ill...)
Having worked in a hospital and visiting the very sick in ICU's etc, this poem really resonates with me (by this interpretation).
The repeating line is brilliant, as it builds momentum and gains intensity as the scenic details unfold. It also SOUNDS good with alliteration and consonance of M sounds--acting like a background HUMMmmmmmmm through the whole poem.
poignant and potent image:
Left within pairs of strangers' shoes,
standing on yesterday's doorstep ~
a trembling boy at a locked door
*one spag suggestion:(optional but recommended)--
Can I believe my mother's dreams(?)
Brilliant descriptive lines with superb alliteration on B and T:
Breathing between bleach and perfume ~
awake below concrete tip toes
*
Mostly hoping tears drop silent ~
whispers to mirrors dry cracked cheeks
Wow--very powerful imagery and phrasing. I think mirrors needs an apostrophe?
whispers to mirror's dry cracked cheeks
Great grouping of S and L sounds in the closing stanza:
Snowstorms wash over the summer
Slipping into a shallow grave,
lost, clinging to wet rolling ropes,
begging for a purpose to bloom
Sounds fantastic read aloud.
This would be a six were it not for small nits, and because (due to our friendship and your history as a client) I trust you'll edit spags (and consider the optional suggestions too)--I feel no hesitation to award six stars in advance (since I cannot return to upgrade in the case of a six).
And it is NOT given in reciprocity for the six you gave me! This poem deserves it.
Lovely picture, too, BTW.
Warmest smiles, rd
Comment Written 05-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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Wow I'm so moved by this you're such a warm soul. I bet you have an interesting story. You've helped many people haven't you? Those in pain, needing you? Selfless Rama. I'd love to hear about it.
Thank, thank you for this review. It means SO much coming from you, truly. You really liked it, I'm just immensely grateful and honored. I've been sick, battling something. Not an illness. But I've been stuck in my room. Too tough to leave. I AM going to beat this. Two of my best friends lost their fight to it. I'm beating it for them too. So, I'm meant for more than this room. My life won't end here.
Bleach and perfume, I'm breathing, living in between the people so happy to be alive (can be nauseating like strong perfume) and the people so harsh, evil, cruel. No middle. A lost kid, looking home on yesterday and realizing I'm homesick for a home that never existed. Locked out of that memory. I'm begging for a purpose to go on, a purpose to bloom. Summer is supposed to be bright but only snow falls, a cold world.
Mirrors dry chapped cheeks. I mean plural (mirrors). So no apostrophe needed. I was thinking about the question mark. I'm so bad at punctuation in poetry. I never know what's right. I'm on the change now! Just those two things right?
Again, you've made me happy, warmed my heart here. I was afraid it was too dark but I wanted to post it. It had a lot of me in it. It was based on a song I wrote.
Refrain
And the sun also rises
But never too soon
Im Drowning in the summer skies
And My heart dreams in blue
I'm meant for more than this room
Left, with no more than pieces
I need not just a reason
I need a purpose to bloom...
But the only thing coming...
Is a snow storm in June.
A singer is working on it now. The melody makes the words flow nice. Its dedicated to my fight but also to my friend who fought but sadly took his life in that month.
So this poem was special to me. Truly, thank you from my heart Rama. Thank you.
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Ah, my dear brother Gregory, your overflowing inspiration and open heart makes mine feel all aglow and happy--to warm another's heart is the most blissful mode to be in. Thank you for sharing and also for elaborating on what prompted this poem.
Depression is a powerful disease and sometimes requires medicine..are you taking any? Depression with suicidal tendencies IS an illness and there are meds that can reduce the symptoms. Either way, meditation is the best remedy for it.
So sorry to hear that you lost a friend to this.
Much Love and LIGHT,
rd
PS There is no rigid rule about punctuation in poetry---and there are often many options that are equally acceptable, including breaking rules! However, my main motto when it comes to punctuating poetry is to aim for ease of read for the reader as well as for musicality (flow).
There are some styles of poetry where punctuation only serves to clutter and others where it is essential in order to understand the poem's meaning of feel the cadences.
I like he way in the this poem it has only minimal punctuation, which is the style I often use. Usually, when using that style, I will avoid end-line punctuation with the exception of question marks and dashes.
And creativity...some of the most brilliant artists and poets suffered from depression. The pathos makes strong art!
Your song is beautiful and poignant...so pleased to hear a singer is working on it.
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Thank you so much. I'm dealing with this monster now. My whole life. Inherited it from my parents but also environment. But this situation is unique, it is medicine induced actually. Had a bad accident on my arm and had to take pain medication. I decided to go off them in February. The medicine to get off is even harder to taper from though. They didn't want me to go off this (they get kickbacks I'm sure) so I've done it secretly. Anyway going through the worst of it. Should be a couple of weeks. But I'm doing it though. It causes intense pain physically but also mentally. Ill beat it. Just tough. That why I've been absent for a while, posting darker than normal things when I've been able to write. I don't care if people read anymore though honestly. Just the good writers. This site is for ego stroking. BUT I have gotten a huge amount from here, including finding you. So I'm still grateful for it. I see why people leave though.
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Thanks Gregory. Yes, fanstory has devolved over the years into more and more of an ego-stroking lightweight social writing site but there are still enough more serious members to make it worth staying on, IMHO. That said, i do not plan to renew my membership when it expires in DEC--but will continue as a standard member. As it is, i mostly review and only rarely post my own work here nowadays. So it won't change things much to be a standard member.
I'll continue to daily send you loving light all these next weeks. Hope you feel it!
Tip--use your breath to relieve some intensity of pain. Hold your breath (a deep one--from the gut) for a few seconds and consciously direct it to the pain locale. Hope that helps.
Love and light, rd
Comment from country ranch writer
THERE IS A LOT GOING ON OUT SIDE IN THE WORLD AND MAYBE SHE IS RIGHT(YOUR MOTHER) THERE IS A WORLD OUTSIDE THE DOOR JUST WAITING FOR YOU
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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THERE IS A LOT GOING ON OUT SIDE IN THE WORLD AND MAYBE SHE IS RIGHT(YOUR MOTHER) THERE IS A WORLD OUTSIDE THE DOOR JUST WAITING FOR YOU
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Yes I think so. Thank you for reading this. I'm grateful to you. Really.
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welcome
Comment from J. P. Egry
this is a very powerful poem, the power enhanced by the quatern form of repetition. There is much emotion created in the reader through the use of vivid images and sensory details. I really felt trapped in the room, the life, the space whatever it is with a yearning to get out and be more.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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this is a very powerful poem, the power enhanced by the quatern form of repetition. There is much emotion created in the reader through the use of vivid images and sensory details. I really felt trapped in the room, the life, the space whatever it is with a yearning to get out and be more.
Excellent.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Wow. I'm absolutely grateful. Truly appreciative. It means a lot that you "got" the poem. I'm immensely glad you liked it and even happier for the Six. THANK YOU! Made my night.
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You also made mine by offering us such a memorable poem.
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Really thank you my friend.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Greg. Good form and a lot goes on in this poem doesn't it?
"Slipping into a shallow grave,
lost, clinging to wet rolling ropes,
begging for a purpose to bloom
I am meant for more than this room"
Good job...Bob
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Hi, Greg. Good form and a lot goes on in this poem doesn't it?
"Slipping into a shallow grave,
lost, clinging to wet rolling ropes,
begging for a purpose to bloom
I am meant for more than this room"
Good job...Bob
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Thank you Bob. I'm really glad you liked it. Yes it does. Its what's going on. Thank you!
Comment from ravenblack
Really like the repeating line, I am meant for more than this room. To me, it seems like you are speaking of a hospital room, the stranger's shoes hospital slippers, bleach and perfume- memories of mom/antiseptic smell ( loaded meaning intended by you), wet rolling ropes- I.v. tubes. Snowstorm in summer- the chill of being confined, nothing to do but think and the memories roll in. Glad you got out of that room.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Really like the repeating line, I am meant for more than this room. To me, it seems like you are speaking of a hospital room, the stranger's shoes hospital slippers, bleach and perfume- memories of mom/antiseptic smell ( loaded meaning intended by you), wet rolling ropes- I.v. tubes. Snowstorm in summer- the chill of being confined, nothing to do but think and the memories roll in. Glad you got out of that room.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Wow that's pretty deep. You are one brilliant guy. Thank you so so very much for this thoughtful review. So much effort and insightfulness. Pleasure to hear from you. Grateful.
Comment from adewpearl
You have your repeating descending line skip to line 3 in your second stanza instead of being in line 2
my mother's dream - add the apostrophe for possessive
vivid, mood-creating descriptive detail
good touches of alliteration in phrases like tip toes and rolling ropes
I like the effect of the repetition of your refrain line
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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You have your repeating descending line skip to line 3 in your second stanza instead of being in line 2
my mother's dream - add the apostrophe for possessive
vivid, mood-creating descriptive detail
good touches of alliteration in phrases like tip toes and rolling ropes
I like the effect of the repetition of your refrain line
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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I followed Treischel's poem. His refrain is differently placed. Should I switch? Thank you!
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The format for the quatern is that the first line descends from line one to line two to line three to line four. If Treischel did differently, he was taking liberties with the form.
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I just checked his poem - he follows the 1,2,3,4 order correctly
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I see. I switched it. Sounds better too.
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:-)
Comment from S A Bullen
There is so much emotion in your poetry; it speaks loudly. Life in another's shoes, it doesn't fit, feeling trapped knowing this is not how it was meant to have been. 'Yesterday's doorstep' - 'a trembling boy'. The innocence of a child. A locked door to protect you or a locked door to trap you. Bleach to wash away and perfume to disguise or cheer, make fresh. Trying to be brave with silent tears. Summer snowstorms to dampen the happiness of summer peace. I guess we all look at things differently and this is just one interpretation and I see others too whilst i am writing this. Beautifully written and I love the recurring refrain, "I am meant for more than this room", the writer expresses anguish over the situation, but the repeated refrain always reinforces the belief that he is meant for more suggesting positive resolve (hopefully, not defeatist). Great poem. Sheryn :-)
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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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There is so much emotion in your poetry; it speaks loudly. Life in another's shoes, it doesn't fit, feeling trapped knowing this is not how it was meant to have been. 'Yesterday's doorstep' - 'a trembling boy'. The innocence of a child. A locked door to protect you or a locked door to trap you. Bleach to wash away and perfume to disguise or cheer, make fresh. Trying to be brave with silent tears. Summer snowstorms to dampen the happiness of summer peace. I guess we all look at things differently and this is just one interpretation and I see others too whilst i am writing this. Beautifully written and I love the recurring refrain, "I am meant for more than this room", the writer expresses anguish over the situation, but the repeated refrain always reinforces the belief that he is meant for more suggesting positive resolve (hopefully, not defeatist). Great poem. Sheryn :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Wow. I wish I as a reviewer vote left. This is top notch. One of the best. You literally got it all right. Bleach perfume, I'm breathing or living in between the good and harsh times. But yes you are right too. Every bit. You're extremely insightful. I'm SO relieved you got this. I was afraid it might come across contrived, like I put random words together to sound deep. But every word in my poetry has meaning. You're great thank you so much.
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Sweetie, I wish I could wash away any sad memories for you, but trust me, when you get to my age, there seems to be a storage place that doesn't cause constant pain. It's like a filing system where the case is closed and it's filed away and you know it's there, but there's no need to open the file. Someone sent me a thing on Facebook today that said.... When the past calls, let it go to voicemail - it has nothing new to say.... I love that. It was a perfect poem. How are you feeling today? Hope you guys and the dogs have a nice weekend. :-)
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Thank you so much. I like that too. I'm going off it completely today actually. Gonna try. We will see. Thank ou for asking. :)
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It will be ok, you'll see. Love the dogs.... Those little party hats are sooooo cute.they could use that image for a card: it's gorgeous. I'm sorry I don't have any sixes left to give. Good luck with the comp. :-)