The Bard of Bel Air
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Q, The Clubhouse & Bullfrogs"A homeless man sees more than people realize.
18 total reviews
Comment from seaglass
This just keeps getting better and better. Your use of description is the best of all I've read in your work so far. It works because the reader feels present and in the experience rather than hearing it related later.
You have the mentally ill individual creatively designed; smart in unusual ways, disabled in functioning in our rigid world if inflexibility, using his poetry, a survival method of organizing his thoughts, to present the detective riddles to sort through.I'm predicting a movie here. This one will take you to the bank.
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A few suggestions....
these paragraphs are together; perhaps changing one of the "of sorts" would save redundancy.
She looked around at the room. There was an actual bathroom (of sorts) A toilet
The Bard had a kitchen (of sorts), suitable for a bachelor.
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To save redundancy, you might changed on of the "looked to" to "appeared to" or "suggested it had"
items that (looked to be) from food banks. Much of it (looked to) have spent a great deal of time sitting there .
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This just keeps getting better and better. Your use of description is the best of all I've read in your work so far. It works because the reader feels present and in the experience rather than hearing it related later.
You have the mentally ill individual creatively designed; smart in unusual ways, disabled in functioning in our rigid world if inflexibility, using his poetry, a survival method of organizing his thoughts, to present the detective riddles to sort through.I'm predicting a movie here. This one will take you to the bank.
******
A few suggestions....
these paragraphs are together; perhaps changing one of the "of sorts" would save redundancy.
She looked around at the room. There was an actual bathroom (of sorts) A toilet
The Bard had a kitchen (of sorts), suitable for a bachelor.
*******
To save redundancy, you might changed on of the "looked to" to "appeared to" or "suggested it had"
items that (looked to be) from food banks. Much of it (looked to) have spent a great deal of time sitting there .
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Aha! So he did see the murder. Well, there's the window visible from the treehouse, so it's possible to see the study. That should count for something.
I love how you are writig the bard... you really are a verrry talented writer, Mikey! :)
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Aha! So he did see the murder. Well, there's the window visible from the treehouse, so it's possible to see the study. That should count for something.
I love how you are writig the bard... you really are a verrry talented writer, Mikey! :)
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I think it is progressing well and at a steady pace. Somehow you have to make sure that female detective stays on the case!! Good characterisations and detailed descriptions. Enjoyable read. Faye
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I think it is progressing well and at a steady pace. Somehow you have to make sure that female detective stays on the case!! Good characterisations and detailed descriptions. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I just have trouble keeping up with the bard's rantings. Maybe that is what you intend. LOL It seems he may have had a birds-eye view of the crime but who would believe him? She will have to find evidence. Good job, Nancy
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I just have trouble keeping up with the bard's rantings. Maybe that is what you intend. LOL It seems he may have had a birds-eye view of the crime but who would believe him? She will have to find evidence. Good job, Nancy
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
This is a good chapter with various points of view. You are telling the story well, sharing different insights from characters.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
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Hi, Mikey.
This is a good chapter with various points of view. You are telling the story well, sharing different insights from characters.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from Millibrad
You are continuing to develop your characters and move the plot forward in an exciting way.
I see a problem with point of view.
"The Bard took me down the alley to an open gate." and
"some kind of string instrument that I wasn't familiar with." In these two sentences, you switch from third person narrative to first person. While it is permissible to do this in a novel, you should not do it in the middle of a paragraph. Maybe, you could consider giving Tenaya her own chapter here and there.
A couple of SPAGs need attention:
"(There)[They're] coming to take me away ah ha..."
"it (lead)[led] to a short bridge leading to a tree house.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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You are continuing to develop your characters and move the plot forward in an exciting way.
I see a problem with point of view.
"The Bard took me down the alley to an open gate." and
"some kind of string instrument that I wasn't familiar with." In these two sentences, you switch from third person narrative to first person. While it is permissible to do this in a novel, you should not do it in the middle of a paragraph. Maybe, you could consider giving Tenaya her own chapter here and there.
A couple of SPAGs need attention:
"(There)[They're] coming to take me away ah ha..."
"it (lead)[led] to a short bridge leading to a tree house.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from c_lucas
You have you quite a character list. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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You have you quite a character list. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
You got lots of detail. Sometimes too much is a bad thing. You are looking good. I'm a little bit curious about that secret stairway leading to the bridge, leading to the tree house. I'm speculating, maybe, the tree house was a lookout post, observing Harpster's every move. A great advantage point. I'm still thinking ... Blackwell was given some type of drug, maybe, something that comes from a doctor's cabinet. I'm suspicious of the family doctor right now. He seems like a suspect. Sometimes the obvious is not obvious. The one having the most to gain would be Blackwell Jr. An inheritance. I am a little suspicious of Diamond. Maybe, she wants revenge, maybe, he promished her he would leave Mrs Blackwell some day and he ain't doing it. A jealous killer, seeking redemption for him breaking his oath to Diamond. You make this an interesting mystery. I don't like mysteries that are easily solved. This is perfect and building. More clues are coming, I know. If the bum is the killer, you made him seem like he would be the last person who would won't to kill Jonathon Blackwell, that would be genious. Count your doubloons, sir Mikey.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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You got lots of detail. Sometimes too much is a bad thing. You are looking good. I'm a little bit curious about that secret stairway leading to the bridge, leading to the tree house. I'm speculating, maybe, the tree house was a lookout post, observing Harpster's every move. A great advantage point. I'm still thinking ... Blackwell was given some type of drug, maybe, something that comes from a doctor's cabinet. I'm suspicious of the family doctor right now. He seems like a suspect. Sometimes the obvious is not obvious. The one having the most to gain would be Blackwell Jr. An inheritance. I am a little suspicious of Diamond. Maybe, she wants revenge, maybe, he promished her he would leave Mrs Blackwell some day and he ain't doing it. A jealous killer, seeking redemption for him breaking his oath to Diamond. You make this an interesting mystery. I don't like mysteries that are easily solved. This is perfect and building. More clues are coming, I know. If the bum is the killer, you made him seem like he would be the last person who would won't to kill Jonathon Blackwell, that would be genious. Count your doubloons, sir Mikey.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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The best way to make it a real mystery is when the writer doesn't know who did it! Hahahaha. I haven't thought about that yet. Isn't that crazy? I'm just letting things develop for now and seeing what kind of people some of these folks turn out to be. Junior is not looking too good as a person. That doesn't mean he did it though. The Doc. is a greedy sleaze ball so he might be in on it at some level. Diamond doesn't seem to want any part of it cause she hasn't even told her daughter that Senior is her dad. The Bard, I think, is a buddy to Senior. But, he is crazy... A mystery. Glad you're liking it. I like this better than the last one which was so on the verge of being unbelievable half the time. It was a struggle all the way to keep it from going off the deep end! Stay tuned. Thanks for the input. It keeps my brain going. mikey
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Hell, you are a genious. You got plenty of time to find someone best suited to be the killer or killers, plural. You can get good feedback and collect our pee brain thoughts and use it against us, so we will be surprised who the killers are/ You got me thinking. hell, I wish I would thought of this one. You got so many options and so many twists and turns you can manever. Hell, you can always bring in new suspects not mentioned yet. Maybe, a prowler is on the rampage and he snuck in through a window but he would of had to poisoned him leaving no visible signs of murder. This is some caper. you got so many suspects, I bet it is confusing who you want to be the killer or killers. Sounds like this Blackwell may have had some enemies. Maybe, a wacked out fan of his, like on the movie 'Misery.' A stalker, he played what instrument?