The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Portal"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
19 total reviews
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay,
Good read, as I have come to expect. :) The conflict is building, the backstory is told nicely, and is very interesting. Your world is taking shape, quite nicely.
I read this one through twice. The first time I found some areas that made me pause, so I wanted to read it again to see if the same happened. It did. I am including a list of areas with comments and suggestions. Feel free to use or not. We, as readers, don't always interpret correctly, so please let me know if I have totally missed the mark in any of this. My notes are in ( ).
Opening- second sentence: I was feeling a growingly familiar frustration rising in me. (I felt an increasingly familiar...)
"No it didn't suddenly come to me. I've known about it (since) before I ever saw you... (or it could be I KNEW about it before I ever...)
"What is important, is that I finish the history and for you, as much as is possible, to let me finish it with few interruptions." (I love when she makes these kinds of statements)
"And, you remember I explained how, over time, a growing number of the dark force came to recognize the force of light to be something worthwhile? And, how AGAIN, OVER TIME, that group formed the third part of our population?"
(I'm not sure "again, over time" is necessary since it was stated at the beginning of the beginning of the dialogue.
Those two or three generations into the teachings of the light, almost to a person, stayed... (Two things here: First, The time frame should be definitive, not two or three. An entire generation is too much time passing, especially for someone so exacting as Axtilla. Secondly, I'm not sure Axtilla would use the word "INTO the teachings". Maybe change to something like, "Those of the three generations following the teachings...)
"As the light separates from its source its radiance diffuses. So, though each of the specialists was important to the whole, none was particularly brilliant by himself. But when all the specialists communed together, as long as there was a harmony among them, their combined brilliance dazzled the senses." (I agree with Doctrex, this is beautiful. Great visual)
"No." She paused for a long time and when I was about to ask her if I had said something that bothered her, she continued... (delete HER after when I was about to ask - she's the only person he's talking to, so it's implied)
...and years later my father told me, that there was taunting and bickering (Delete THAT. This is one of my nemesis words. I use THAT al the time, and when I finish writing something, I read it aloud to see how many can be deleted. Most often, it's more than half.)
"No, there was a small but vocal group of dissenters there when my grandfather and my father took their leadership role." (No, there was a small but vocal group of dissenters present when my grandfather, and then my father, took...)
A point of light only exhibits its true brilliance when seen against the darkness. (simply stated, profoundly meaningful)
"My Grandfather, through a thorough studying of Kyre's prophecies and correlating his knowledge with a close observation of our people, was the first to recognize the slow, paralyzing effect of a prolonged period without outward resistance. (36 word sentences tend to make a reader gasp for air before completing. Here is a suggestion for this: My Grandfather spent his life studying Kyre's prophecies. Correlating this knowledge with a close observation of our people, he was the first to recognize the paralyzing effect of prolonged absence without outward resistance.) Interesting idea that too much peace without conflict would result in this.
She smiled. "Delighted. Only Kyre (k)new the composition of the Bining (Her saying delighted makes it sound like she's playing with him, and it doesn't feel right for the current conversation. Maybe I've missed something, but the previous comment of "If you must interrupt..." sounds more stressful, and would not elicit a smile or that kind of response. In the same dialogue, she mentions Encloyists. I think "people of Encloy" might create a better word flow.)
She took on a reflective demeanor. "You know more about the Trining now than any of my people know. You are about to learn what only my father and I knew about the Trining."
(Suggested change: "You now know more about the Trining than any of my people. And, you are about to learn what only my father and I knew.")
"What an honor to be so entrusted with my people's history."
(Perfectly executed response to "What a terrible responsibility.")
"Kyre said in the sixth Tablet that a stranger would come to my people from the sea, that he would speak in a tongue unknown to them, he would win their loyalty....Pondria will move like...." (Great time to bring this back into the story! With so much going on, I had forgotten about Pondria)
"...I will tell you why I was banished. After my father died, I stayed holed up in our home, alone. (suggest changing to: I stayed secluded in our home. I believe you have established a voice for Axtilla, and words like "holed up" would be too generic for her.)
The entire dream sequence is fascinating. If it is all a dream, then the calm demeanor Doctrex takes on when trying to free the little girl would be acceptable. If it is not a dream, I have a hard time believing it. Here are some areas I'm referring to. "I'm trying to figure my best way of reaching you, little girl. Try to be calm. I'll have you through in no time." ("Just try to be calm. I need a second to figure this out.")
(With adrenalin coursing through my veins,) I quickly realized my only chance at reaching her would be by leaping through the air. Behind me, I had a runway of about ten yards before the hill began...
Very slowly and deliberately I explained this to her, adding, "Now my timing may be off, so when you see me leaping toward you, if I seem to miss my mark, do everything you can to grab onto me. Do you understand me?" (If a dream, this is perfect, because even when timed is of the essence, a dream can do or be anything. However, if not, then maybe it should be something like: Quickly, I explained my plan.....)
The paragraph beginning "Let's get this done.... all the way to No more rehearsal" had me really confused. I would suggest delete the entire section and just go from
"Yes, sir. she said in a trembling voice.
Next paragraph begins: I figured the distance I would need and began a slow loping. I increased speed, building to a sprint as I approached the log...)
I think the idea behind the rehearsal was to set up the final scene when it doesn't go as expected. For me it just stopped the progress of what seemed to be a very urgent matter of saving the little girl.
Jay, this is the first line edit I've done in a long time. I hope some of what I've added will be useful. I hope, too, if I misinterpreted anything, you will let me know.
Thanks and I can't wait for chanter 8!
Debbie
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay,
Good read, as I have come to expect. :) The conflict is building, the backstory is told nicely, and is very interesting. Your world is taking shape, quite nicely.
I read this one through twice. The first time I found some areas that made me pause, so I wanted to read it again to see if the same happened. It did. I am including a list of areas with comments and suggestions. Feel free to use or not. We, as readers, don't always interpret correctly, so please let me know if I have totally missed the mark in any of this. My notes are in ( ).
Opening- second sentence: I was feeling a growingly familiar frustration rising in me. (I felt an increasingly familiar...)
"No it didn't suddenly come to me. I've known about it (since) before I ever saw you... (or it could be I KNEW about it before I ever...)
"What is important, is that I finish the history and for you, as much as is possible, to let me finish it with few interruptions." (I love when she makes these kinds of statements)
"And, you remember I explained how, over time, a growing number of the dark force came to recognize the force of light to be something worthwhile? And, how AGAIN, OVER TIME, that group formed the third part of our population?"
(I'm not sure "again, over time" is necessary since it was stated at the beginning of the beginning of the dialogue.
Those two or three generations into the teachings of the light, almost to a person, stayed... (Two things here: First, The time frame should be definitive, not two or three. An entire generation is too much time passing, especially for someone so exacting as Axtilla. Secondly, I'm not sure Axtilla would use the word "INTO the teachings". Maybe change to something like, "Those of the three generations following the teachings...)
"As the light separates from its source its radiance diffuses. So, though each of the specialists was important to the whole, none was particularly brilliant by himself. But when all the specialists communed together, as long as there was a harmony among them, their combined brilliance dazzled the senses." (I agree with Doctrex, this is beautiful. Great visual)
"No." She paused for a long time and when I was about to ask her if I had said something that bothered her, she continued... (delete HER after when I was about to ask - she's the only person he's talking to, so it's implied)
...and years later my father told me, that there was taunting and bickering (Delete THAT. This is one of my nemesis words. I use THAT al the time, and when I finish writing something, I read it aloud to see how many can be deleted. Most often, it's more than half.)
"No, there was a small but vocal group of dissenters there when my grandfather and my father took their leadership role." (No, there was a small but vocal group of dissenters present when my grandfather, and then my father, took...)
A point of light only exhibits its true brilliance when seen against the darkness. (simply stated, profoundly meaningful)
"My Grandfather, through a thorough studying of Kyre's prophecies and correlating his knowledge with a close observation of our people, was the first to recognize the slow, paralyzing effect of a prolonged period without outward resistance. (36 word sentences tend to make a reader gasp for air before completing. Here is a suggestion for this: My Grandfather spent his life studying Kyre's prophecies. Correlating this knowledge with a close observation of our people, he was the first to recognize the paralyzing effect of prolonged absence without outward resistance.) Interesting idea that too much peace without conflict would result in this.
She smiled. "Delighted. Only Kyre (k)new the composition of the Bining (Her saying delighted makes it sound like she's playing with him, and it doesn't feel right for the current conversation. Maybe I've missed something, but the previous comment of "If you must interrupt..." sounds more stressful, and would not elicit a smile or that kind of response. In the same dialogue, she mentions Encloyists. I think "people of Encloy" might create a better word flow.)
She took on a reflective demeanor. "You know more about the Trining now than any of my people know. You are about to learn what only my father and I knew about the Trining."
(Suggested change: "You now know more about the Trining than any of my people. And, you are about to learn what only my father and I knew.")
"What an honor to be so entrusted with my people's history."
(Perfectly executed response to "What a terrible responsibility.")
"Kyre said in the sixth Tablet that a stranger would come to my people from the sea, that he would speak in a tongue unknown to them, he would win their loyalty....Pondria will move like...." (Great time to bring this back into the story! With so much going on, I had forgotten about Pondria)
"...I will tell you why I was banished. After my father died, I stayed holed up in our home, alone. (suggest changing to: I stayed secluded in our home. I believe you have established a voice for Axtilla, and words like "holed up" would be too generic for her.)
The entire dream sequence is fascinating. If it is all a dream, then the calm demeanor Doctrex takes on when trying to free the little girl would be acceptable. If it is not a dream, I have a hard time believing it. Here are some areas I'm referring to. "I'm trying to figure my best way of reaching you, little girl. Try to be calm. I'll have you through in no time." ("Just try to be calm. I need a second to figure this out.")
(With adrenalin coursing through my veins,) I quickly realized my only chance at reaching her would be by leaping through the air. Behind me, I had a runway of about ten yards before the hill began...
Very slowly and deliberately I explained this to her, adding, "Now my timing may be off, so when you see me leaping toward you, if I seem to miss my mark, do everything you can to grab onto me. Do you understand me?" (If a dream, this is perfect, because even when timed is of the essence, a dream can do or be anything. However, if not, then maybe it should be something like: Quickly, I explained my plan.....)
The paragraph beginning "Let's get this done.... all the way to No more rehearsal" had me really confused. I would suggest delete the entire section and just go from
"Yes, sir. she said in a trembling voice.
Next paragraph begins: I figured the distance I would need and began a slow loping. I increased speed, building to a sprint as I approached the log...)
I think the idea behind the rehearsal was to set up the final scene when it doesn't go as expected. For me it just stopped the progress of what seemed to be a very urgent matter of saving the little girl.
Jay, this is the first line edit I've done in a long time. I hope some of what I've added will be useful. I hope, too, if I misinterpreted anything, you will let me know.
Thanks and I can't wait for chanter 8!
Debbie
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Debbie, I don't know what to say! Do you know how much I would have to pay an editor to do a line edit on this? Can I buy you a candy bar? LOL, and, do you realize you were spot on with almost every comment you made? Things I hadn't considered -- remotely! I would pull it right now and make the changes, but I've heard horror stories about people who were 3/4 through a reading when the screen went blank. Your suggestions will take me an hour or so to complete. I can't even wait until a late hour because it's early someplace else in the world. So, I'll have to wait until it drops (about Tuesday) and make the changes. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
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Jay
You're welcome. I'm glad you find it useful. If I didn't really believe in the story, I wouldn't do it. It is time consuming, but worth it when I know someone appreciates the effort.
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Oh, absolutely, Debbie! I can't wait to make the changes and read it with a new set of eyes.
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I meant to tell you, that yours above all others is worthy of the Review Nomination Reward and I want to give it to you, however it will have to be for next month (3 or 4 days from now) since I've given away all four. You are valuable!
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Thanks! That's nice to know. I'll look forward to seeing the nomination.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
"As the light separates from its source its radiance diffuses
(comma after source)
So, though each of the specialists was important (I think 'was' should be 'were'???)
You write with great clarity and your storyline is strong. At this point in a novel, we are just getting to know the characters, yours seem to be developing nicely.
I do have a suggestion which is unique to writing for Fanstory--if, following each chapter, you make a list of the characters and the terms unique to the story, it helps those like me who try to follow multiple stories at a time to keep everything straight.
Have a wonderful Sunday, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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"As the light separates from its source its radiance diffuses
(comma after source)
So, though each of the specialists was important (I think 'was' should be 'were'???)
You write with great clarity and your storyline is strong. At this point in a novel, we are just getting to know the characters, yours seem to be developing nicely.
I do have a suggestion which is unique to writing for Fanstory--if, following each chapter, you make a list of the characters and the terms unique to the story, it helps those like me who try to follow multiple stories at a time to keep everything straight.
Have a wonderful Sunday, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Hi, Debbie. Thank you for reading and doing the hard work of also looking for SPAG. I'm glad you also enjoyed it. Last thing first, about a cast of characters: as much as I hate to say it, you are right. It is unique to FanStory. And, now you gave me the reason why! The only reason I DIDN'T consider it was because a reader tries to follow a lot of novels here. That is the BEST reason, to me the ONLY reason. I hate it, but I agree it's important, so I'll do it. Really, though, thank you.
Thanks for catching the comma thing. I'll change it.
As much as "So, though each of the specialists was important" sounds wrong, it is right. Each is the subject and the verb has to agree with it. But, I have to stop and think just about every time it comes up.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hi Jay Squires,
I'm glad to be finally caught up with your story. I appreciated the explanation given to Doctrex by Axtilla about who she is and the Kyre Tablets... but we are getting a little talky here. I'm glad the chapter ended with some action and anticipation of what follows. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. ;)
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay Squires,
I'm glad to be finally caught up with your story. I appreciated the explanation given to Doctrex by Axtilla about who she is and the Kyre Tablets... but we are getting a little talky here. I'm glad the chapter ended with some action and anticipation of what follows. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. ;)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Chris. Yes, yes, yes. I agree. And, when the chapter drops from the posting, I'll have to deal with it. The best way to deal with that is to intersperse action between the dialogue. That was why I tried to keep their exchange so animated and on the verge of anger. The dillema: this is all the information that he'll need to survive later on. So I have to let the reader know. Probably, I'll split this chapter in two and have him rip off his leg and beat her over the head with it before they make love. LOL, I'll think of something. Thanks, Chris, for getting up and personal with this. Jay
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Ha ha, that's a scream, Jay. I know the information is extremely important in the context of your story and I'm not sure how I'd spice it up... but you'll think of something. ;)
Comment from Liandra
Now he's in big trouble. I wondered if it was a wicked trick. So now what has happened to Axtilla?
So in actual fact, are we seeing two different parallels? I'm thinking, they are both occupying the same space, which is divided by the membrane. It's almost as if the separation isn't complete. Past and present are conjoined. Or is it past, present and future? Or have I missed the plot altogether!
A couple of tiny spags, ...centered on themselves as now.(")
...interruptions.(")
I'm very curious now and can't wait for the next chapter.
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Now he's in big trouble. I wondered if it was a wicked trick. So now what has happened to Axtilla?
So in actual fact, are we seeing two different parallels? I'm thinking, they are both occupying the same space, which is divided by the membrane. It's almost as if the separation isn't complete. Past and present are conjoined. Or is it past, present and future? Or have I missed the plot altogether!
A couple of tiny spags, ...centered on themselves as now.(")
...interruptions.(")
I'm very curious now and can't wait for the next chapter.
:) Liandra
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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No, but, my God, Liandra. You've got a whole new novel brewing! Thank you for catching the spags. I'll attend to them today... I hope!
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Thank yoy for a long enough story I could sink my teeth into. I liked all the info..and his trying to put it in a context he knew. It all sounds epically scary..keep writing...I'll keep reading:-)
padumachitta
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Hi. Thank yoy for a long enough story I could sink my teeth into. I liked all the info..and his trying to put it in a context he knew. It all sounds epically scary..keep writing...I'll keep reading:-)
padumachitta
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Wow! And I was afraid I was losing readers because of its length. Thank you so much. I'll keep writing. Counting on you to keep reading!
Comment from MagKing
Quite a long narrative but also very interesting story about religion and the dark world.
There were some sentences that were supposed to be questions without their question mark. I suggest you look into that.
The paragraphs that come after the # sign:
Is it a previous or a present happening?
This I didn't get, even after reading twice over...Please let me in on the loop?
MagKing
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Quite a long narrative but also very interesting story about religion and the dark world.
There were some sentences that were supposed to be questions without their question mark. I suggest you look into that.
The paragraphs that come after the # sign:
Is it a previous or a present happening?
This I didn't get, even after reading twice over...Please let me in on the loop?
MagKing
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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I'm glad you brought that up, MagKing. In fact, I'm glad you even read it through twice to try to eke out the meaning. It's part of a dream sequence that he has several times in the novel. All I can say is that it becomes more clear as the novel progresses, but it causes me a dillema. You have every right to expect meaning in what you read, and yet if I reveal it now it will lose its full impact later. I can't simply remove it without destroying a vital part of the plot's development as the novel progresses. So, unfortunately there is no loop I can let you in on now. Thank you so much for pointing out the sentences that weren't ending with a question mark.
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OK
No problem...It is very much allowed...I hope it will give the piece the flavor that has been expected of it.
MagKing
Comment from c_lucas
Don't it make you angry when things go wrong. I had the feeling it was a trap when the "little girl" was introduced. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Don't it make you angry when things go wrong. I had the feeling it was a trap when the "little girl" was introduced. This is very well written.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Charlie, you see right through me, don't you. There may be one born every minute, but you ain't the one! Thanks for stopping by and reading.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from jgorges
I was honestly a little lost because it started at chapter 6 but it was visual and interesting. The fantasy of it all was based on a great plot. I liked the terminology as well. I don't tend to like fiction , but found that I like fantasy fiction after reading this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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I was honestly a little lost because it started at chapter 6 but it was visual and interesting. The fantasy of it all was based on a great plot. I liked the terminology as well. I don't tend to like fiction , but found that I like fantasy fiction after reading this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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The novel doesn't start at chapter 6, jgorges. That's just what was posted currently. Each chapter has a summary of the previous one. If you went back and just read the summaries you would catch up fast. Thanks for reading, though, and your comments.
Comment from marijmd
Things happened so fast(,) and I didn't have the time to explain things to you in the proper order."
Your entrance here has been during (a) critical part of our history.
you have created a very complex and elaborate world. Very in depth and you have a nice flow with your conversations.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Things happened so fast(,) and I didn't have the time to explain things to you in the proper order."
Your entrance here has been during (a) critical part of our history.
you have created a very complex and elaborate world. Very in depth and you have a nice flow with your conversations.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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thank you for your comments, marjmd. I appreciate your reading this and pointing out some changes.