Comment from Witwoo

Good

My initial speed-read says: Go refill your coffee. This could become long-winded. Then again, I'll simply say:

Grab a flamethrower and start aiming for commas.

"Bel Air's [F]inest."

"Beam me up. Warped speed." (It's 'warp speed'. Which also has nothing to do with beaming. Trekkies may not forgive this)

"[S]lushee"

"Special Forces" could arguably be capitalized.

She had a man...lifelong thing...she was just angling for a record deal herself...turning the tables, (spaces after all three ellipses)


I'll stop there, as you get the idea. Look for a couple commas sitting next to each other, as well as one or two that doesn't have a space after them.

You simply must proofread a piece until your retinas burn. If you use WORD, it'll help you proof read, then you can bring over to fanstory. That'll take a lot of the work out of it.






This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 07-May-2014

---

reply by the author on 07-May-2014

"Warped" was a little nerdy joke! Good tip on the ellipses, I thought word was telling me it didn't like them, period. Slushee's a brand name then? Yep, editing is my fault. This is the much improved version! Hahaha. Thanks for your help. I can't afford Brooks class so I'm learning the bruised and battered way! mikey

reply by Witwoo on 07-May-2014

Now that's the kind of reply I always want, and rarely get: Humor and appreciation.

Slushee is indeed a brand name. I think.

Warped should remain, as it's used tongue-in-cheek.

Lemme tell ya, bruised and battered is the way to go. Why have fire explain as hot when you can touch it for yourself? The lesson would stick better.

Here's what I do for editing purposes- Microsoft Word. It's designed to do just that. Then I transplant the piece.

Now. Be warned: Most people who review on here are not necessarily motivated by improving YOUR work. You're going to get a lot of 'Yeah, that's really good' along with 5 stars. That will tell you how much time they took.

I didn't mention in my review how creative and visually cool the Bard's poem (song) was. It was my favorite part.

reply by the author on 07-May-2014

I do use Word. Actually, you caught things that Word didn't. Word didn't recognize Slushee at all. I do get tons of fives and sixes with no input at all. I can afford a four here and there especially when it comes with good input and advice which is, more often than not, the case. Glad you liked the poem. I'm a poet trying to be an author, so I like to cheat and make one of my characters a poet from time to time! Hahaha. mikey

Comment from Sankey

Excellent

This was good as usual. Still very Mikifying if I may say so ha!

Some spags which is also very Mikey huh! and some suggestions.

Good on you Mikey you never disappoint mate..
Spag in the background.... la(w)yer and friend

might not look to(o) good in court

Suggestion instead of "sang an incredible melody." what a bout Enchanted melody...do you remember that one?

 Comment Written 07-May-2014

Comment from Michaelk

Excellent

I just can't believe that you worked not one, but two different Star Trek series into this chapter. Q was always one of my favorite characters and I appreciated the references. This was a good chapter. It seemed to me like a regrouping before going into battle. What can they do to avoid an all out war with Winston? How about turn his buyers against him? Find out who they are and convince them that Winston narced them out. Have bard and his team do covert recon on Winston to find out who the buyers are.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 07-May-2014