Bonnie and Turtle Blue
When Children Smile!-Contest Entry37 total reviews
Comment from Aplgwest
A seaworthy story that holds its rhythm well. The photos I can see are terrific, especially the little turtle. I remember when little ones could be bought from the five and ten, but then it became illegal due to salmonella issues. For your info, I don't know if just on my computer but two pix just show a crossed-out camera. --Elaine
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A seaworthy story that holds its rhythm well. The photos I can see are terrific, especially the little turtle. I remember when little ones could be bought from the five and ten, but then it became illegal due to salmonella issues. For your info, I don't know if just on my computer but two pix just show a crossed-out camera. --Elaine
Comment Written 23-Aug-2014
Comment from kiwisteveh
Mikey, you don't need any help with your tetrameter and I'm now thinking I've wasted my $5 entry fee because I doubt if this can be beat - what a wonderful story, perhaps on the mush side for adults but right on the mark for children and with a strong and uplifting message to boot.
Nevertheless I shall see what I can scratch up in the next week and pray to find the odd voter who finds yours too long!
A couple of tiny points in here:
The years passed by, she learned to dive
with legs braced... deep into the sea.
She loved the mysteries to find.
She would not be told what to be
While diving one day airlines snagged,
while sharks kept rescuers at bay.
They screamed she struggled down below.
it seemed like death would call this day.
probably your weakest iambics here with 'braced' having to be a weak stress and 'be' (in the middle of line 4) a strong one.
The 'mysteries' line sounds a little off - how about 'she loved to find new (fresh? strange?) mysteries.
I would put a hyphen in 'airlines' to distinguish it from companies that fly planes...
I suggest a comma after 'screamed' and either a dash or semi-colon to replace the period after 'below'
Good luck - not that you'll need it.
Steve
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Mikey, you don't need any help with your tetrameter and I'm now thinking I've wasted my $5 entry fee because I doubt if this can be beat - what a wonderful story, perhaps on the mush side for adults but right on the mark for children and with a strong and uplifting message to boot.
Nevertheless I shall see what I can scratch up in the next week and pray to find the odd voter who finds yours too long!
A couple of tiny points in here:
The years passed by, she learned to dive
with legs braced... deep into the sea.
She loved the mysteries to find.
She would not be told what to be
While diving one day airlines snagged,
while sharks kept rescuers at bay.
They screamed she struggled down below.
it seemed like death would call this day.
probably your weakest iambics here with 'braced' having to be a weak stress and 'be' (in the middle of line 4) a strong one.
The 'mysteries' line sounds a little off - how about 'she loved to find new (fresh? strange?) mysteries.
I would put a hyphen in 'airlines' to distinguish it from companies that fly planes...
I suggest a comma after 'screamed' and either a dash or semi-colon to replace the period after 'below'
Good luck - not that you'll need it.
Steve
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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I'm so happy to receive such a glowing review from you. I've always wanted to write a children's piece since I first started here and read the great pieces that you write. It took a long time to beat iambic into my head! It's kind of in there now with a little help here and there. Those are great ideas. I found those spots a little awkward too. I know you'll come up with something great. It should be a great competition with a lot of quality work. I'm delighted that so many excellent writers are submitting entries. Thank you so much for the tips and great review. Oh... and there are other great reviews too that I am so behind that I will hopefully get to some day. I do read them and do cartwheels and listen to the advice. Thank you again. mikey
Comment from Aiona
What a lovely poem-story/ballad! I love that it rhymes and so naturally. The story brought happy tears to my eyes, as well. The pictures did not distract me.
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What a lovely poem-story/ballad! I love that it rhymes and so naturally. The story brought happy tears to my eyes, as well. The pictures did not distract me.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
Comment from tbacha58
*true friends are friends eternally*
Mike this introduction with your amazing poems, I mean really what a beautiful story with beautiful pictures, and your words have no end, My God Mike, the high education you have is so high, bless you , you are doing miracles in writing, and to your self assurance, Wow, I am so so proud of you. Young man, you have come from a very long way to a beautiful NOW, our Famous Writer. I am so happy, Oh Mike, what a wonderful world you are in NOW, bless both of you always. Be happy , life is beautiful. Love Terry xoxo
So sorry I have no stars. But my stars will shine above you both. xoox
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
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*true friends are friends eternally*
Mike this introduction with your amazing poems, I mean really what a beautiful story with beautiful pictures, and your words have no end, My God Mike, the high education you have is so high, bless you , you are doing miracles in writing, and to your self assurance, Wow, I am so so proud of you. Young man, you have come from a very long way to a beautiful NOW, our Famous Writer. I am so happy, Oh Mike, what a wonderful world you are in NOW, bless both of you always. Be happy , life is beautiful. Love Terry xoxo
So sorry I have no stars. But my stars will shine above you both. xoox
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
Comment from Tatarka2
Love, love the pictures, and the story! For your first effort at children's stories, this is so impressive. I'd give you a 6, but I've already given out 2 and it's only Sunday. Also, there were just a couple of lines that seemed a teensy bit awkward "while diving one day airlines snagged"; also "Blackbeard's treasure?" Still, I really loved the last stanza and line as well as the stanza that ends "she thought, 'I won't see him anymore.'" This was really wonderful, overall, and I hope you do very, very well in the contest.
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Love, love the pictures, and the story! For your first effort at children's stories, this is so impressive. I'd give you a 6, but I've already given out 2 and it's only Sunday. Also, there were just a couple of lines that seemed a teensy bit awkward "while diving one day airlines snagged"; also "Blackbeard's treasure?" Still, I really loved the last stanza and line as well as the stanza that ends "she thought, 'I won't see him anymore.'" This was really wonderful, overall, and I hope you do very, very well in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
Comment from Patti R.
Wow, Michael, Michael, where's the hard-shelled hippie that I used to know?!! This is a very sweet story in a poem. I'm impressed. No, the pics did not distract me, but like in a good child's book the illustrations add.
The very first word of the very first line is where I stumbled because it's the only line in which the first syll. is emphasized. Otherwise, and from line 2 on, the tetrameter is really terrific!
These next few bits have me wondering how young a child would be suited to the story:
she'd cheat cold death
That vicious gull dove for the kill
his life so short, the end (seemed?) near instead of now near
Loved it overall.
Patti
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2014
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Wow, Michael, Michael, where's the hard-shelled hippie that I used to know?!! This is a very sweet story in a poem. I'm impressed. No, the pics did not distract me, but like in a good child's book the illustrations add.
The very first word of the very first line is where I stumbled because it's the only line in which the first syll. is emphasized. Otherwise, and from line 2 on, the tetrameter is really terrific!
These next few bits have me wondering how young a child would be suited to the story:
she'd cheat cold death
That vicious gull dove for the kill
his life so short, the end (seemed?) near instead of now near
Loved it overall.
Patti
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2014
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OMG! You're right. For some reason, I never noticed that. Hahaha. The very first line IS OFF. I changed all of those lines. Good points. Too grim for kids. A grumpy gull is better, right? Even I like "seemed" better. I can see there's more lines coming, something good should happen right? It's reading pretty iambic now. It's funny, but I can see it fine when it is right. I just have trouble seeing it when it is wrong. I just start pronouncing everything strangely to force it to fit. Well, I'm buried and I jumped ahead to thank you and say hi. Now back to JUNE!! mikey
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I'm exactly the same, Mikey! Can't see the forest fer the trees! Love ya! Grumpy gull is better.
Comment from madhatter1977
Hey, Mikey! I LOVE this and the pictures and the whimsical tale in a poem. I'm not great at iambics or tetrameters either and think this is a valiant effort - imagination to create such a story is the key for me! Best wishes and well done, Pete :)
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Hey, Mikey! I LOVE this and the pictures and the whimsical tale in a poem. I'm not great at iambics or tetrameters either and think this is a valiant effort - imagination to create such a story is the key for me! Best wishes and well done, Pete :)
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
Comment from l.raven
OMG Michael, my grandkids are going to love this story...I know I do...read it twice....a truly great start...I bet you will be great at this...now next...very well done you...a great story as she grow up from saving the turtle...and the turtle saved her...Yeah!!!!! love it!!! Luff Linda xxoo
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OMG Michael, my grandkids are going to love this story...I know I do...read it twice....a truly great start...I bet you will be great at this...now next...very well done you...a great story as she grow up from saving the turtle...and the turtle saved her...Yeah!!!!! love it!!! Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, Michael, this is excellent, and though it is long, it is a beautiful poetic story. i enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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this is very well written, Michael, this is excellent, and though it is long, it is a beautiful poetic story. i enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
Comment from Joan E.
I just returned from Costa Rica where I saw green sea turtles laying their eggs. So, when I saw your title, I had to read the story plus enjoy the pictures and the memories they conjured. I admired your storytelling, rhymes and alliterative names. Your reference to "Blackbeard's treasure" and the "steed" metaphor were effective. A heartwarming tale of friendship! Best wishes in the contest- Joan
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
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I just returned from Costa Rica where I saw green sea turtles laying their eggs. So, when I saw your title, I had to read the story plus enjoy the pictures and the memories they conjured. I admired your storytelling, rhymes and alliterative names. Your reference to "Blackbeard's treasure" and the "steed" metaphor were effective. A heartwarming tale of friendship! Best wishes in the contest- Joan
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018