The River of My Life
a memoir35 total reviews
Comment from DALLAS01
Even though our lives and circumstances have been quite different, I can relate to so much of this. It actually brought tears. My defense was people pleasing and minimizing the pain. Because if you continue to ignore it, you won't be such an undeserving disappointment. My answer, for many years was to escape.
One of the most profound books I read on adult children of alcoholics, that I am sure can be applied to any kind of dysfunctional environment that a child is raised in, is called. "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" It breaks down the different roles we take on in order to survive. You might want to see if you can pick it up.
We never heal completely, but we learn to expand the subsequent good and shrink the bad. The bad doesn't go away but eventually, over the years, it occupies a lot less space and is triggered less often.
I think this is the best thing I've read in a long time.
By the way do you like to read. If so, when my sister was in Canada, one of your authors was doing a book signing and I got an autographed copy of : Where White Horses Gallop by Beatrice MacNeil. I would recommend it to anyone who loves language. I truly loved it.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Even though our lives and circumstances have been quite different, I can relate to so much of this. It actually brought tears. My defense was people pleasing and minimizing the pain. Because if you continue to ignore it, you won't be such an undeserving disappointment. My answer, for many years was to escape.
One of the most profound books I read on adult children of alcoholics, that I am sure can be applied to any kind of dysfunctional environment that a child is raised in, is called. "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" It breaks down the different roles we take on in order to survive. You might want to see if you can pick it up.
We never heal completely, but we learn to expand the subsequent good and shrink the bad. The bad doesn't go away but eventually, over the years, it occupies a lot less space and is triggered less often.
I think this is the best thing I've read in a long time.
By the way do you like to read. If so, when my sister was in Canada, one of your authors was doing a book signing and I got an autographed copy of : Where White Horses Gallop by Beatrice MacNeil. I would recommend it to anyone who loves language. I truly loved it.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much. I appreciate the review and kind words. I'll look up those titles.
Comment from maggieadams
Ingrid, I was swept along by your "river" of memories...you write with an engagement that is more sophisticated and professional than others on this site. You have a story to tell and with metaphors and measured control you take the reader into your world. You are a survivor and as the saying goes..."what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Ingrid, I was swept along by your "river" of memories...you write with an engagement that is more sophisticated and professional than others on this site. You have a story to tell and with metaphors and measured control you take the reader into your world. You are a survivor and as the saying goes..."what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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We both are. Thanks verymuch.
Comment from mfowler
I'm kind of stuck for words after reading this. A new image of you has emerged. This is as honest and raw an account of a life that I've read in a long time. I think that your summation of what's happened, your analysis of the impacts on lives (especially your own), and your musings about how you handle it, are wonderfully scribed. I hope you found the whole process of collecting these thoughts in one place, to be therapeutic in some way. I'm not sure whether your ability to write with such clarity as compared to someone who can't express themselves, is to your advantage or not. Only you would know.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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I'm kind of stuck for words after reading this. A new image of you has emerged. This is as honest and raw an account of a life that I've read in a long time. I think that your summation of what's happened, your analysis of the impacts on lives (especially your own), and your musings about how you handle it, are wonderfully scribed. I hope you found the whole process of collecting these thoughts in one place, to be therapeutic in some way. I'm not sure whether your ability to write with such clarity as compared to someone who can't express themselves, is to your advantage or not. Only you would know.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Mark, I appreciate your kind words. What I'm about to add for you, may sound cynical, but it is more realistic. Always when I assist newer writers, I tell them they must write naked, exposed--warts and all--with brutal honesty, regardless whether it is fiction or biographical. I believe that sincerely and practice what I preach.
Understand, I've lived with everything my entire life. You, on the other hand, are reading this for the first time. It has been my reality, and the reason I can write with clarity about the subject of me, is that I've had a long time to reconcile all the raw edges. It's not new for me and much easier to talk or write about it than you might think.
I appreciate you sharing my thoughts and taking the time to review this essay.
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Thank you. That all makes eminent sense.
Comment from judiverse
How wonderful you found help for your psoriasis. Too bad such help wasn't available when you were in the public eye with your career. Reading this makes me realize how fortunate I was to escape such problems as you experienced as a child. The family was poor, but I never suffered abuse. Interesting that you were free to go out and explore things as a child. Getting a library card would require a parent's involvement today, I'm sure. You may have been safer in those venues than you were at home. Great description of your response to some of your mother's demands, such as picking up the towel. Sometimes it's better to have parents in a nursing home than in your own home. Apparently they tried to make you feel guilty. Your sister had a good point. People are ultimately judged by their actions, not their feelings. This is well presented, and the title is an intriguing way of getting your point across. judi
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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How wonderful you found help for your psoriasis. Too bad such help wasn't available when you were in the public eye with your career. Reading this makes me realize how fortunate I was to escape such problems as you experienced as a child. The family was poor, but I never suffered abuse. Interesting that you were free to go out and explore things as a child. Getting a library card would require a parent's involvement today, I'm sure. You may have been safer in those venues than you were at home. Great description of your response to some of your mother's demands, such as picking up the towel. Sometimes it's better to have parents in a nursing home than in your own home. Apparently they tried to make you feel guilty. Your sister had a good point. People are ultimately judged by their actions, not their feelings. This is well presented, and the title is an intriguing way of getting your point across. judi
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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There's good news and bad news about the drug. It's not a cure and it the disease will come back when the drugs are discontinued. The cost for biologics currently on the market and the expected price of this one will be $3-$4K-- EACH month. It's free for me--NOW and I can't afford the costs.
Thanks for reading.
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You're so welcome. Prices of the drugs eventually go down when they can be sold as generic, only that takes a long, long time. Maybe it will be extended for those of you who participated in the trial. judi
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One can hope...it's Meryk, so a player.
Comment from dreamin'
With the exception of a few too many "that's," this is a perfectly written piece. It held my attention to the very end, and I wanted it to keep going. I can relate on so many levels. The struggles are real, and no matter how old we get, given the right circumstances---Mom dominating your life again---we can easily be reduced to that 5 year old, that 7 year old.
Giving us the story of attending Latvian school added a whole new dynamic. Some could say being immigrants added to the stress and struggles of your parents. They did the best they could under the circumstances. I'm sure their lives were tough, but it's never a reason to relieve them of their responsibility toward their children. It's never a reason to treat your children as property, even if they were.
All we can do is hope we don't follow in our abuser's footsteps. We are damaged goods, but it doesn't mean we're not repairable.
I'm so glad you qualified for a test group for Psoriasis. What a joy that must have been to swim with your grandchildren.
Best of luck with the contest.
Debbie
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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With the exception of a few too many "that's," this is a perfectly written piece. It held my attention to the very end, and I wanted it to keep going. I can relate on so many levels. The struggles are real, and no matter how old we get, given the right circumstances---Mom dominating your life again---we can easily be reduced to that 5 year old, that 7 year old.
Giving us the story of attending Latvian school added a whole new dynamic. Some could say being immigrants added to the stress and struggles of your parents. They did the best they could under the circumstances. I'm sure their lives were tough, but it's never a reason to relieve them of their responsibility toward their children. It's never a reason to treat your children as property, even if they were.
All we can do is hope we don't follow in our abuser's footsteps. We are damaged goods, but it doesn't mean we're not repairable.
I'm so glad you qualified for a test group for Psoriasis. What a joy that must have been to swim with your grandchildren.
Best of luck with the contest.
Debbie
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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The swim was the highlight of my year. Thanks so much for the read, the feedback and your generous stars.
Comment from mermaids
I have a fondness for memoirs and read mostly memoirs. Yours is one of the best. You show how you have progressed in life despite your childhood. Your writing held my interest,it flows well from point to point. I wish you well in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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I have a fondness for memoirs and read mostly memoirs. Yours is one of the best. You show how you have progressed in life despite your childhood. Your writing held my interest,it flows well from point to point. I wish you well in the contest.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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The contest deadline is 5 months away. I'll likely forget I wrote this by then, but thanks for the generous stars and your kind words.
Comment from emrpoems
My life was a blank slate, just waiting for the flow of ink that would define and reward me for my efforts.Loved this expression.
A well written story with excellent closing last 5 lines
held my attention right to the end.
Sorry tht you endured this experience but somehow I think it made you a stronger person
Hope you win this contest
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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My life was a blank slate, just waiting for the flow of ink that would define and reward me for my efforts.Loved this expression.
A well written story with excellent closing last 5 lines
held my attention right to the end.
Sorry tht you endured this experience but somehow I think it made you a stronger person
Hope you win this contest
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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That's the saying...what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Thanks so much for the stars and good wishes.
Comment from reconciled
your opening shakes awake...Hello Ingrid...-smile- yea, I believe that to be true too...that certain hurts leave wounds forever wide open. even after understanding reasoning or inability to give whats not owned...it doesn't change that it happened. you accept only because you have too that they are part of you...recognize the emotions for what they are and where they come from....and live anyway. Very happy to hear your treatments are working...you must feel born again....alright beautiful.....listen don't keep me waiting too long okay....I get cranky you know....-wink-....big love Michael
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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your opening shakes awake...Hello Ingrid...-smile- yea, I believe that to be true too...that certain hurts leave wounds forever wide open. even after understanding reasoning or inability to give whats not owned...it doesn't change that it happened. you accept only because you have too that they are part of you...recognize the emotions for what they are and where they come from....and live anyway. Very happy to hear your treatments are working...you must feel born again....alright beautiful.....listen don't keep me waiting too long okay....I get cranky you know....-wink-....big love Michael
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Not being in constant pain is a gift few understand. Thanks for the read.
Don't worry, I'm checking your portfolio and when I find the inspiration to tell the 'rest of the story' I can knock it off pretty quickly. But I'm not looking to fill pages, but rather finding a theme that can travel.
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Well its a goal I hope to obtain someday...dreamer that I am....-smile-...yes I'm playing...I know...well can imagine your....ahh release...let go. Ingrid....everyone of them ...everyone of them poetic expressions were inspired....trust me they went through me....like poltragist...-headshake-....theme that can travel hm....ya know talking to you gets me Rocky ready worked up...word up Partner, you keep this up...I'm going to challenge you again....and this time...I wont let you win...-wink-.....gimmie a kiss will ya...-smile-
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Smooch...tell me something about your poem 'whispers.' I don't need the whole story details, but give me the fundamentals...what created the thought the mood, your state of mind when you gave birth to this piece. I want to marry each piece of poetry to the story.
I'm always in for a challenge, but I'll turn it down if it's poetry. I'll go as far as haibun, but I don't have any pretensions about my abilities with verse. Any that have done okay are sheer accidents considering the talent on site.
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whispers...hm...doesn't ring a bell...what did I say read it to me sweetheart...slow...-smile-....ahh how far back...? ah geez your gonna make me work for this huh....alright chief but I want to see big royalty checks you hear me....-wink- huh...? alright lets drop the act....you rock at words...in any form...State...location...bring it....you actually scare me...well you know...worked up get serious type thing.....raw eggs and push up protein....your pop-eye to spinach partner woo wooo...peanut butter to jam....and you've already slapped me with on the spot poetry that was exceptional...-fingerwave-...quit trying....my patience....ya know you never answered my question....why...? alright alright...let me go listen to whispers...
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Ingrid....are you telling me you went all the way back to when I first came..."whispers of memory past"...I wrote before I ever knew of Fanstory.....truth....I saw a documentary of an old man....who had lost his wife....and the real pain was evident....physically...every way....I put myself in his rocking chair.....and that's what I found. ahh -headshake-....well you past up...thousands ...so.....so....?
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I didn't pass up anything, I'm still mulling and looking for a mood that I can translate into a vignette.
Don't stress out, I remember reading...I'll find what I'm looking for when I'm ready to focus. Still editing my book and have 15 chapters to go before I can complete my commitment to Page and Spine. PLEASE DON'T FLOOD my PM. I can go through your portfolio.
Michael, I think you are a superb poet, but my inspiration needs to match off your words. Not everything resonates or hits a button to get my fingers tapping in response...chill, baby doll.
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okay.....I'll wait for you. you told me to send you poems...and then you laughed at me...-poutlip-.....are you gonna act like that on our wedding night...-fingerwave-...love-
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Now I'm really laughing! The day I ever marry again--let alone even consider sharing real estate--with anyone, a posse would likely arrive with straight jackets.
And I laughed at your overactive enthusiasm...not you. I meant for you to select one or two that were meaningful and that YOU thought best reflected what you considered your best best.
Good night.
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you know your voice betrays your hard hearted act....yea yea yea Ingrid...but we haven't even had dinner yet...so don't stick your feet in cement just yet...-wink-...goodnight dear-
Comment from Sasha
I always look forward to your posts. You never disappoint me and always amaze me with your awesome ability to express yourself. I could relate to much of what you said; especially focusing your hatred on your mother instead of your father. I clearly hated my father but my resentment toward my mother and sisters consumed me my entire life. Unlike you, I was fortunate to finally make amends with my mother but my relationship with my sisters continues to remain non-existent. Your childhood taught you to take control of your life. I tried to take control but my inability to move forward prevented me from growing into true adulthood. I remained emotionally a child most of my life and only when I moved away from my family did I finally begin to grow up. You'd be surprised at how daily events that most people deal with without much thought, stop me in my tracks. The simple task of figuring out how to move from from a house to an apartment a few blocks away nearly caused a complete meltdown. I am better but still have a long way to go...but what else do I have to do? Right. Your strength has been a true inspiration for me and for that, I want to thank you.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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I always look forward to your posts. You never disappoint me and always amaze me with your awesome ability to express yourself. I could relate to much of what you said; especially focusing your hatred on your mother instead of your father. I clearly hated my father but my resentment toward my mother and sisters consumed me my entire life. Unlike you, I was fortunate to finally make amends with my mother but my relationship with my sisters continues to remain non-existent. Your childhood taught you to take control of your life. I tried to take control but my inability to move forward prevented me from growing into true adulthood. I remained emotionally a child most of my life and only when I moved away from my family did I finally begin to grow up. You'd be surprised at how daily events that most people deal with without much thought, stop me in my tracks. The simple task of figuring out how to move from from a house to an apartment a few blocks away nearly caused a complete meltdown. I am better but still have a long way to go...but what else do I have to do? Right. Your strength has been a true inspiration for me and for that, I want to thank you.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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We know each other's story and there are so many parallels that we both know the brittle shame, the horror and the taunting disbelief. Thanks for the stars.
Comment from GeraldS
This is a powerfully told story. I think a combination of the subject matter and the process of telling is what puts it over the top. And the 'telling' was flawlessly done.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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This is a powerfully told story. I think a combination of the subject matter and the process of telling is what puts it over the top. And the 'telling' was flawlessly done.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Thank you. Though 'telling' can make fiction pieces flat, there is no other way to write in essays, especially with subject matter that might horrify readers if graphically presented. Thanks for the read and feedback.