She Didn't Lock Her Door
short story19 total reviews
Comment from justafan
I think I like Robert the best myself :) Is there any genre that you struggle with?? I think not. I really enjoyed this story, Mikey. Bookcase it goes!!!
Justafan Always,
Missy
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I think I like Robert the best myself :) Is there any genre that you struggle with?? I think not. I really enjoyed this story, Mikey. Bookcase it goes!!!
Justafan Always,
Missy
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from Tatarka2
Here are a few reasons why I'm giving this my first 6 of the week: "the oubliette of pending adulthood;" "to meet Robert, you had to approach Blade;" she saw Blade as "the vague fog surrounding Robert." This is a story for anyone, male or female, who has ever been a young, hormonal teen, and it's written in a voice that is uniquely Mikey. I think I would have known it anywhere. I also think you need hyphens in the word one-on-one. I hope there is a contest such as you describe and that this lovely little story isn't too long. I think it's a winner.
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Here are a few reasons why I'm giving this my first 6 of the week: "the oubliette of pending adulthood;" "to meet Robert, you had to approach Blade;" she saw Blade as "the vague fog surrounding Robert." This is a story for anyone, male or female, who has ever been a young, hormonal teen, and it's written in a voice that is uniquely Mikey. I think I would have known it anywhere. I also think you need hyphens in the word one-on-one. I hope there is a contest such as you describe and that this lovely little story isn't too long. I think it's a winner.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from Jay Squires
You have a unique gift as a short story writer. It's all in voice, tone. It's conversational. You drop images casually and they stick like snowflakes to the reader's waiting imagination.
Intriguing first paragraph, Mikey.
I suppose that love is a component of most fond memories. [Look for places you can eliminate "that". I think you'll agree it's extra baggage in the above sentence. I almost put "that" after "think" in mine.]
We were on the cusp of manhood, perched on the oubliette of pending adulthood. [Thank you for the new word! See how soon I squeeze it in.]
shy and awkward one on one. [... one-on-one]
It's a big school...." [with the ellipsis, three or four dot, you need a space before and after. You did it fine with the three dot ellipsis.]
Your subtle blending of narrative with dialogue is superb!
The opportunity to make a fool of me gracefully passed. [If she made a fool of him, yes, "me", but if you made a fool of yourself, then I'd suggest "myself". I think that's what you meant.]
Eight months later, I heard a voice behind me. [Is there a reason you don't have a scene break here?]
"Why don't I sneak over tonight. [Need question mark.]
Gorgeously written, Mikey, right down to the last two sentences, which I, personally, feel take away from the sensuousness of the image that preceded it.
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You have a unique gift as a short story writer. It's all in voice, tone. It's conversational. You drop images casually and they stick like snowflakes to the reader's waiting imagination.
Intriguing first paragraph, Mikey.
I suppose that love is a component of most fond memories. [Look for places you can eliminate "that". I think you'll agree it's extra baggage in the above sentence. I almost put "that" after "think" in mine.]
We were on the cusp of manhood, perched on the oubliette of pending adulthood. [Thank you for the new word! See how soon I squeeze it in.]
shy and awkward one on one. [... one-on-one]
It's a big school...." [with the ellipsis, three or four dot, you need a space before and after. You did it fine with the three dot ellipsis.]
Your subtle blending of narrative with dialogue is superb!
The opportunity to make a fool of me gracefully passed. [If she made a fool of him, yes, "me", but if you made a fool of yourself, then I'd suggest "myself". I think that's what you meant.]
Eight months later, I heard a voice behind me. [Is there a reason you don't have a scene break here?]
"Why don't I sneak over tonight. [Need question mark.]
Gorgeously written, Mikey, right down to the last two sentences, which I, personally, feel take away from the sensuousness of the image that preceded it.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from pattipac
Michael, my friend, you have penned a lovely narrative of how you fell head-over-heels in love for the first time. Like how you started by describing yourself vulnerable teenage-self by using strong nicknames to hid behind, and how Linda saw through them, as if they were but a thin fog.
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Michael, my friend, you have penned a lovely narrative of how you fell head-over-heels in love for the first time. Like how you started by describing yourself vulnerable teenage-self by using strong nicknames to hid behind, and how Linda saw through them, as if they were but a thin fog.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from nordicgirl
This is a superlative piece. Amazing insights into the atmosphere and mindsets of these young people. As a love story it rings true. The passion of these two is so clearly displayed and yet only a kiss is revealed. A unique talent right here!!
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This is a superlative piece. Amazing insights into the atmosphere and mindsets of these young people. As a love story it rings true. The passion of these two is so clearly displayed and yet only a kiss is revealed. A unique talent right here!!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from nelliesellie
She didn't locker door and she enjoyed the young man that came. Every thing pointed to this couple being not suited for each other. They made something out of it anyway. Great work.
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She didn't locker door and she enjoyed the young man that came. Every thing pointed to this couple being not suited for each other. They made something out of it anyway. Great work.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from bizzygirl
AHHH memories of being a teenager in that awkward, hormone crushing, insecure time. I like the glimpse into a young man's yearnings to be a man and what he goes through emotionally to try to be cool, or get noticed. My favorite explanations in this piece are the nick names and what they mean. They so eloquently describe the chageability of a teenager. The prompt is met very well. I prefer life being left to the imagination, more romantic, more emotionally charged. GOOD JOB! Good Luck in the contest. I think it is a real winner!
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AHHH memories of being a teenager in that awkward, hormone crushing, insecure time. I like the glimpse into a young man's yearnings to be a man and what he goes through emotionally to try to be cool, or get noticed. My favorite explanations in this piece are the nick names and what they mean. They so eloquently describe the chageability of a teenager. The prompt is met very well. I prefer life being left to the imagination, more romantic, more emotionally charged. GOOD JOB! Good Luck in the contest. I think it is a real winner!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from robina1978
Lovely photo that complements your story perfectly. It has a good beginning when the girl is groomed as a matter of speech. Slightly later they see each other again. She asks him out for dinner. He asks her to leave her door open and she did. Their hearts in one rhythm. Best wishes for the prompt.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Lovely photo that complements your story perfectly. It has a good beginning when the girl is groomed as a matter of speech. Slightly later they see each other again. She asks him out for dinner. He asks her to leave her door open and she did. Their hearts in one rhythm. Best wishes for the prompt.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
Comment from petalangela
And the key to heart lay there glinting golden under the nightlight. Such lovely story of of romance no lust or bust just beautiful love of the lasting kind I had to read this several times each time was another quickening in my spirit
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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And the key to heart lay there glinting golden under the nightlight. Such lovely story of of romance no lust or bust just beautiful love of the lasting kind I had to read this several times each time was another quickening in my spirit
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015