Alice Will Never Forget Again
Rushing home Alice forgets to lock her door.16 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
I thought this was quite a thriller. I do think there could have been a bit more action and/or description leading up to the discovery of the body; perhaps another paragraph between where she puts her bra on and Jeff's discovery. Also, I think you mean "mindful," not mind full."
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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I thought this was quite a thriller. I do think there could have been a bit more action and/or description leading up to the discovery of the body; perhaps another paragraph between where she puts her bra on and Jeff's discovery. Also, I think you mean "mindful," not mind full."
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Bill Schott
This was indeed a short-short story and it went pretty well, completing its intensions. The thing I don't know about is mentioning her father as the source of the music memory. This character is superfluous since his absence makes no difference. Just recognizing the song would be sufficient. I know...so what.
SPAG
4th paragraph Toweled dried (Toweled dry or Towel dried)
7th paragraph her underwear draw(er)
8th paragraph (There) he found Alice, half naked ....bed spread(.) (H)er eyes still open ...
Happy day!
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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This was indeed a short-short story and it went pretty well, completing its intensions. The thing I don't know about is mentioning her father as the source of the music memory. This character is superfluous since his absence makes no difference. Just recognizing the song would be sufficient. I know...so what.
SPAG
4th paragraph Toweled dried (Toweled dry or Towel dried)
7th paragraph her underwear draw(er)
8th paragraph (There) he found Alice, half naked ....bed spread(.) (H)er eyes still open ...
Happy day!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Thank you indeed!!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Toweled dried (toweled dry)
Thanks to Fanstory's wonderful formatting, I would look at the first section again.
She dosed off every now and again
and being mind full of the time--better ( She dosed off every now and again,being mindful of the time
She bounced up and entered the house
and began making her way to the master bedroom picking up her discarded clothes on
the way. (better She bounced up, entered the house,
and began making her way to the master bedroom picking up her discarded clothes on the way.
'we built this city (song titles are capitalized)
underwear draw (drawer)
into the shoot (chute
half naked (half naked)
The story itself is okay, but all the spags make it difficult to read. I think this one needs a bit more work, my friend~Debbie
well worn (well-worn)
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reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Toweled dried (toweled dry)
Thanks to Fanstory's wonderful formatting, I would look at the first section again.
She dosed off every now and again
and being mind full of the time--better ( She dosed off every now and again,being mindful of the time
She bounced up and entered the house
and began making her way to the master bedroom picking up her discarded clothes on
the way. (better She bounced up, entered the house,
and began making her way to the master bedroom picking up her discarded clothes on the way.
'we built this city (song titles are capitalized)
underwear draw (drawer)
into the shoot (chute
half naked (half naked)
The story itself is okay, but all the spags make it difficult to read. I think this one needs a bit more work, my friend~Debbie
well worn (well-worn)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the help!!!
Comment from Debbie Noland
Good story. Good suspense and dramatic irony. The clues you include to give the reader information that Alice does not really attend to heighten the tension, and with that, you accomplish quite a lot in this short piece.
Here are a few editing issues: dozed off, not dosed; mindful, not mind full; quiet, not quite; chute, not shoot; and There he found, not their. Also, see if you can regularize the formatting in your first two paragraphs--you may have hit "enter" too often in trying to place the text alongside the picture.
I think that, with a little attention to editing matters such as these, your story can be top-notch. I wish you the best with it.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Good story. Good suspense and dramatic irony. The clues you include to give the reader information that Alice does not really attend to heighten the tension, and with that, you accomplish quite a lot in this short piece.
Here are a few editing issues: dozed off, not dosed; mindful, not mind full; quiet, not quite; chute, not shoot; and There he found, not their. Also, see if you can regularize the formatting in your first two paragraphs--you may have hit "enter" too often in trying to place the text alongside the picture.
I think that, with a little attention to editing matters such as these, your story can be top-notch. I wish you the best with it.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the editing hints!!
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
Wow, this dramatic story is a really convincing reason why everyone should think to lock her door. Apparently something bad can happen in nothing flat. Good luck to you in the contest, Jeanie Mercer
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Wow, this dramatic story is a really convincing reason why everyone should think to lock her door. Apparently something bad can happen in nothing flat. Good luck to you in the contest, Jeanie Mercer
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Thank you!!
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Action flows smoothly. Story line easy to follow. Descriptive language used throughout. Outcome predictable. Write on.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Action flows smoothly. Story line easy to follow. Descriptive language used throughout. Outcome predictable. Write on.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Thank you!