Dr. Howler's Nightmares
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Fish Food"A collection of most unusual bedtime stories
15 total reviews
Comment from MelB
A very interesting story. I wish every kid that is murdered or abused could turn around and do this, but they don't get away with it in the end anyway. Enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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A very interesting story. I wish every kid that is murdered or abused could turn around and do this, but they don't get away with it in the end anyway. Enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support as always. Appreciate them very much indeed.
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You're welcome
Comment from mvbrooks
Wow, this was not what I expected as I began reading--it was so much more.
Your narrative flows, the intensity shifts as the story line shifts, and then returns to a calm again at the end.
The story is tight and the end is unexpected.
The dialogue is realistic.
Just two thoughts:
1) Near the beginning, you wrote:
" before the sweltering day warmed up as hot Summer days along the Gulf do."
The wording made me pause -- what confused me was a "sweltering day that warmed up" -- I'm guessing that it was sweltering and then got even hotter? Maybe consider rewording--a suggestion might be "before the day warmed up to sweltering, as Summer days along the Gulf do."
I only mention this because it's the only part of the story where the flow was interrupted for me, as a reader.
2) Why did the dad call the insurance company so quickly after the 911 call? He seems to have planned this "murder" out so well, so why would he not have planned to wait until the paramedics pronounced his son "dead" before calling in the claim?
I definitely want to read more and found your "hero" highly like-able and relate-able. I appreciated how, even though the son was shocked by his father's deception, he accepted the pardon for his own actions by the "sea creatures."
Thanks for sharing this story.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
 |
Wow, this was not what I expected as I began reading--it was so much more.
Your narrative flows, the intensity shifts as the story line shifts, and then returns to a calm again at the end.
The story is tight and the end is unexpected.
The dialogue is realistic.
Just two thoughts:
1) Near the beginning, you wrote:
" before the sweltering day warmed up as hot Summer days along the Gulf do."
The wording made me pause -- what confused me was a "sweltering day that warmed up" -- I'm guessing that it was sweltering and then got even hotter? Maybe consider rewording--a suggestion might be "before the day warmed up to sweltering, as Summer days along the Gulf do."
I only mention this because it's the only part of the story where the flow was interrupted for me, as a reader.
2) Why did the dad call the insurance company so quickly after the 911 call? He seems to have planned this "murder" out so well, so why would he not have planned to wait until the paramedics pronounced his son "dead" before calling in the claim?
I definitely want to read more and found your "hero" highly like-able and relate-able. I appreciated how, even though the son was shocked by his father's deception, he accepted the pardon for his own actions by the "sea creatures."
Thanks for sharing this story.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Really do appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Brett,
This was a very odd tale.
I struggled a little bit with the tone of the piece. I think that it is told in a very 'matter of fact' manner that produces this. It is not as engaging as some of your other work and could maybe do with another polish.
and tackled box in hand - tackle
GMG
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Hi Brett,
This was a very odd tale.
I struggled a little bit with the tone of the piece. I think that it is told in a very 'matter of fact' manner that produces this. It is not as engaging as some of your other work and could maybe do with another polish.
and tackled box in hand - tackle
GMG
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them.
Comment from Halfree
OK...this needs some work. Does not flow very well; has great potential but needs some work. Try switching opening sentence, 2nd becomes first sentence. " Dawn was breaking...."
You might also consider opening with the third paragraph. So the story opens with paragraphs 3-1-2
Of what importance to the story is the color of the station wagon? Perhaps the station wagon is battered with rust spots bleeding through faded blue paint. Would show that the owner is down on his luck.
Paragraph 4 Try..."Dad was quieter than normal" leave off the "was".
The story needs some work. As it is, it reads more like an outline for a story. Think some serious rewrites will make the story.
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reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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OK...this needs some work. Does not flow very well; has great potential but needs some work. Try switching opening sentence, 2nd becomes first sentence. " Dawn was breaking...."
You might also consider opening with the third paragraph. So the story opens with paragraphs 3-1-2
Of what importance to the story is the color of the station wagon? Perhaps the station wagon is battered with rust spots bleeding through faded blue paint. Would show that the owner is down on his luck.
Paragraph 4 Try..."Dad was quieter than normal" leave off the "was".
The story needs some work. As it is, it reads more like an outline for a story. Think some serious rewrites will make the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Okay.
Comment from lalajovanoski
You are such an amazing writer!!! I truly enjoyed reading this as you are so very talented! Thank you so very much for sharing this as I truly enjoyed reading
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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You are such an amazing writer!!! I truly enjoyed reading this as you are so very talented! Thank you so very much for sharing this as I truly enjoyed reading
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Appreciate your comments very much indeed.
