The Boy and Gunkar Singh
Blank Verse22 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
Certain tough old men bond with boys who will become tough old men. I hope I do justice to the old watchman at the lumberyard I visited on Saturdays and Sundays, to
listen to his yarns of old jobs and old wars...This is truly an excellent post...
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Certain tough old men bond with boys who will become tough old men. I hope I do justice to the old watchman at the lumberyard I visited on Saturdays and Sundays, to
listen to his yarns of old jobs and old wars...This is truly an excellent post...
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thanks, LIJR. You are right - there can be a strong bond between old men and young boys - the bond of the storyteller and the enthusiastic listener.
Comment from Sis Cat
What an exotic and riveting read. I found myself entranced, enraptured, transported to another land. Your lines and rhymes and lines paint descriptive pictures of people and place. This is almost a travelogue poem that reminded me of Kipling's "The Jungle Book." The ending of your poem is well-rounded and satisfying. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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What an exotic and riveting read. I found myself entranced, enraptured, transported to another land. Your lines and rhymes and lines paint descriptive pictures of people and place. This is almost a travelogue poem that reminded me of Kipling's "The Jungle Book." The ending of your poem is well-rounded and satisfying. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Many thanks, Sis Cat. I'm honoured that you saw the connection with Kipling. I have always been fascinated by his stories. This was drawn very loosely from reminiscences of my own childhood, some of which was spent in Singapore.
Comment from Treischel
Quite an interesting tale of India and the rubber industry. Lots of very good imagery and action. Colorful characterizations. I did detect one feminine line and 2 that are short. Overall an excellent free verse story poem.
touched mimosa leaves and made them close(9syl)
as on he strode, towards the marble steps (9)
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Quite an interesting tale of India and the rubber industry. Lots of very good imagery and action. Colorful characterizations. I did detect one feminine line and 2 that are short. Overall an excellent free verse story poem.
touched mimosa leaves and made them close(9syl)
as on he strode, towards the marble steps (9)
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Tom. The feminine line was intentional, the short line accidental! I count ten syllables in 'as on he strode, towards the marble steps'. With light undertones of Kipling and Somerset Maughan, this was very loosely drawn from my own childhood in Singapore. I was very much in awe of the Sikh doorman at the Goodwood Park Hotel, where we lived for a while in the 1950s.
Comment from pattipac
Your free-vverse poem about the sahib's son exploring the grounds, and listening to Punjab tales of his country, until he became a man filled with useful knowledge and understanding which enabled him to rule wisely.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Your free-vverse poem about the sahib's son exploring the grounds, and listening to Punjab tales of his country, until he became a man filled with useful knowledge and understanding which enabled him to rule wisely.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thank you, pattipac. Your review draws out the essence of my poem.
Comment from I am Cat
Wow, just the description of the man:
'He loved that man, whose eyes were deepest pools
of Eastern fire beneath his bushy brows,
whose grey, free-flowing beard and whiskers waxed
around his fiery mouth, a dragon's cave
of betel juice and alabaster teeth.'
is the most amazing passage I've read! Unvbelievable! Well told and lovely... you've already taken a six... I've one left (that will probably be yours before the week is out, but let's see... I figure it's one of five poets here on site... and you're one of them)
LOL
so far, you each have one... dang!
;)
Well done! Loved it!
CAt
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Wow, just the description of the man:
'He loved that man, whose eyes were deepest pools
of Eastern fire beneath his bushy brows,
whose grey, free-flowing beard and whiskers waxed
around his fiery mouth, a dragon's cave
of betel juice and alabaster teeth.'
is the most amazing passage I've read! Unvbelievable! Well told and lovely... you've already taken a six... I've one left (that will probably be yours before the week is out, but let's see... I figure it's one of five poets here on site... and you're one of them)
LOL
so far, you each have one... dang!
;)
Well done! Loved it!
CAt
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thanks for another lovely review, Cat. I probably was able to make this come to life a bit as it was drawn from life! As a child I lived in Singapore and was greatly in awe of a particular Sikh doorman at the hotel where we stayed for a while.
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Ah! Well, you certainly pulled up some fantastic memories! Well done!
Comment from jmdg1954
Honestly, I had very little idea what I was reading. I got lost in trying to interpret and follow. Needless to say, I'm sure it is well written for those to follow it.
John
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Honestly, I had very little idea what I was reading. I got lost in trying to interpret and follow. Needless to say, I'm sure it is well written for those to follow it.
John
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Sorry you found this one difficult to follow. Thanks for reviewing it anyway.
Comment from Just2Write
Yet another beautiful etching in Blank Verse. This write reminded me very much of Rudyard Kipling's writing. Like him, you are able to capture the essence of the life lived by Brits, Diplomats, their wives, and other high-brows in India or perhaps the Punjab.
Nice play on words with the following:
Meanwhile, their women played at bridge and trumped
each other's conquests, playing jacks and kings
with reputations, laughingly with barbs
that wounded prettily, on pouting lips.
The Country Club wives were playing alright, but the jacks and kings were not on the card faces. Loved the innuendo and double entendre here.
Nice alliteration in:
caught in sticky copra cups by coolies under conic bamboo hats.
The above made me wonder where we were - I thought you were in the Punjab - and yet coolies and the conic bamboo hats suggest a Chinese culture.
Very powerful, Tony. I loved every word. No one does these like you do.
Rose.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Yet another beautiful etching in Blank Verse. This write reminded me very much of Rudyard Kipling's writing. Like him, you are able to capture the essence of the life lived by Brits, Diplomats, their wives, and other high-brows in India or perhaps the Punjab.
Nice play on words with the following:
Meanwhile, their women played at bridge and trumped
each other's conquests, playing jacks and kings
with reputations, laughingly with barbs
that wounded prettily, on pouting lips.
The Country Club wives were playing alright, but the jacks and kings were not on the card faces. Loved the innuendo and double entendre here.
Nice alliteration in:
caught in sticky copra cups by coolies under conic bamboo hats.
The above made me wonder where we were - I thought you were in the Punjab - and yet coolies and the conic bamboo hats suggest a Chinese culture.
Very powerful, Tony. I loved every word. No one does these like you do.
Rose.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Many thanks, Rose. I misled slightly with my choice of picture. This was in fact loosely drawn from my remembered awe at the sight of a Sikh doorman in Singapore, where I spent quite a bit of time during my childhood - the memory well disguised with overtones of Kipling and Somerset Maughan!
Comment from Pantygynt
This is another masterpiece , Tony. You have transported me back to Malaysia in an instant with this. At first I thought British India but by the time I had reached the rubbery bit I was convinced I was in Malaya where sikhs were often employed as chowkidhars outside the country clubs and smart hotels. I imagine that you, like me, spent some time in Singapore during your RAF years.
The blank verse is stunningly beautiful conjuring up amazing images, not only of the local flora but the old Sikh and awful gin swilling, cardplaying, sahibs and their gossiping mems as a stark contrast to the boy who will grow up to be wiser than they. Splendid alliteration. A veritable tour de force. I loved every line of it.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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This is another masterpiece , Tony. You have transported me back to Malaysia in an instant with this. At first I thought British India but by the time I had reached the rubbery bit I was convinced I was in Malaya where sikhs were often employed as chowkidhars outside the country clubs and smart hotels. I imagine that you, like me, spent some time in Singapore during your RAF years.
The blank verse is stunningly beautiful conjuring up amazing images, not only of the local flora but the old Sikh and awful gin swilling, cardplaying, sahibs and their gossiping mems as a stark contrast to the boy who will grow up to be wiser than they. Splendid alliteration. A veritable tour de force. I loved every line of it.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Many thanks, Jim. Spot on! Not only was my first squadron tour at Changi, but I also spent part of my childhood in Singapore. Gunkar Singh was drawn from a seven-year old's memory of the Sikh doorman at the Goodwood Park Hotel in the 1950's. I appreciate your recognition!
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Those were the days eh!
Comment from barkingdog
Wonderful, just wonderful. The sahib's son grew wiser than all the men and women whose atttentions were on games, drink and getting the best of others.
The boy listened to the wise stories(Punjab tales) told by 'Gunkar Singh, the splendid Sikh'... ' he grew to be a man beyond the wit of those whose rubber cheques erased dull brains with juniper, within.'
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Wonderful, just wonderful. The sahib's son grew wiser than all the men and women whose atttentions were on games, drink and getting the best of others.
The boy listened to the wise stories(Punjab tales) told by 'Gunkar Singh, the splendid Sikh'... ' he grew to be a man beyond the wit of those whose rubber cheques erased dull brains with juniper, within.'
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thanks very much, barkingdog, for your splendid review.
Comment from rama devi
Superb crafting,a s usual, with highly descriptive detail, good storytelling voicing and flawless iambic meter in blank verse style. Fluid flowing enjambment well done, too!
A few suggestions:
had driven men indoors and under fans,(no ,)
to sip their cooling gins and talk. They spoke,
LOVE THIS LINE:
elastic fervour hiding their intent
And love the alliteration of C here...great lines to read aloud:
of latex, caught in sticky copra cups
by coolies under conic bamboo hats.
*
Meanwhile(,) their women played at bridge and trumped
each other's conquests, playing jacks and kings
with reputations, laughingly with barbs
that wounded prettily, on pouting lips.
Amusing! Card's reputations and pouting lips. Ha ha ha.
Love the flow here, and the indirect child-from-an-adult POV and tone of carefree joy--and great detail (note typo):
Each day he slipped across the cow-grass lawns,
touched mimosa leaves and made them close
with potent magic, not yet understood,
and crushed the purple powder puffs of flowers
unthinkingly beneath his sun-tanned toes,
as on he strode, towards the marble steps
where Gunkar Singh, the splendid Sikh, stood guard
and welcomed members of the country club.(,)
with haughty, regal mien.
Love this:
"Sat Shri Akal,"
he greeted him; in truth, God reigns supreme.
"Sat Shri Akal," replied the sahib boy,
for he had learnt to speak with courtesy.
He loved that man, whose eyes were deepest pools
of Eastern fire beneath his bushy brows,
whose grey, free-flowing beard and whiskers waxed
around his fiery mouth, a dragon's cave
of betel juice and alabaster teeth.
"Sit down, sahib, seek rest from noonday heat."
The above captures so much depth! Bravo. You're a portrait painting poet!
nice summary here:
...and so he sat, spellbound by Punjab tales,
absorbed the culture in his growing mind,
until in time he grew to be a man
beyond the wit of those whose rubber cheques
erased dull brains with juniper, within.
Suggest a change on this line:
absorbed the culture in his growing mind,
absorbing culture in his growing mind,
LOVE the closing....it's pitch perfect and a great commentary on what is of REAL and lasting value (within--not in the bank!)
Bravo...another six!
Smiling, rd
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Superb crafting,a s usual, with highly descriptive detail, good storytelling voicing and flawless iambic meter in blank verse style. Fluid flowing enjambment well done, too!
A few suggestions:
had driven men indoors and under fans,(no ,)
to sip their cooling gins and talk. They spoke,
LOVE THIS LINE:
elastic fervour hiding their intent
And love the alliteration of C here...great lines to read aloud:
of latex, caught in sticky copra cups
by coolies under conic bamboo hats.
*
Meanwhile(,) their women played at bridge and trumped
each other's conquests, playing jacks and kings
with reputations, laughingly with barbs
that wounded prettily, on pouting lips.
Amusing! Card's reputations and pouting lips. Ha ha ha.
Love the flow here, and the indirect child-from-an-adult POV and tone of carefree joy--and great detail (note typo):
Each day he slipped across the cow-grass lawns,
touched mimosa leaves and made them close
with potent magic, not yet understood,
and crushed the purple powder puffs of flowers
unthinkingly beneath his sun-tanned toes,
as on he strode, towards the marble steps
where Gunkar Singh, the splendid Sikh, stood guard
and welcomed members of the country club.(,)
with haughty, regal mien.
Love this:
"Sat Shri Akal,"
he greeted him; in truth, God reigns supreme.
"Sat Shri Akal," replied the sahib boy,
for he had learnt to speak with courtesy.
He loved that man, whose eyes were deepest pools
of Eastern fire beneath his bushy brows,
whose grey, free-flowing beard and whiskers waxed
around his fiery mouth, a dragon's cave
of betel juice and alabaster teeth.
"Sit down, sahib, seek rest from noonday heat."
The above captures so much depth! Bravo. You're a portrait painting poet!
nice summary here:
...and so he sat, spellbound by Punjab tales,
absorbed the culture in his growing mind,
until in time he grew to be a man
beyond the wit of those whose rubber cheques
erased dull brains with juniper, within.
Suggest a change on this line:
absorbed the culture in his growing mind,
absorbing culture in his growing mind,
LOVE the closing....it's pitch perfect and a great commentary on what is of REAL and lasting value (within--not in the bank!)
Bravo...another six!
Smiling, rd
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you again, RD! Those pesky little commas are running around like mice. I think I have captured them all and returned them to their proper places! I like your suggestion of the present tense, 'absorbing' - it just adds a bit more immediacy and the sense of business not yet completed. I am knocked out by your high praise, and seem to be seeing stars! Best wishes, Tony
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Hee hee--love your whimsy! :) Best Regards and Wishes, rd
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:))