The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Piper, part 6"Young Adult Fantasy
20 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Wonderful job, debi. I don't read much fantasy, but this is really pretty easy to follow great job. Your imagery is outstanding and your writing voice is natural:
"The cloaked figure positioned himself in a shadowy area, and began to unfasten the laces of his boot. With one foot on a bench, he bent over and continued to fiddle with the lacings for several moments. Anyone glancing in his direction would think he was adjusting the laces to make them more comfortable to wear, not that many people looked his way. Most everyone was in a hurry to get to the grand hall of the castle before the entertainment began."
Bravo, my friend! Bob
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Wonderful job, debi. I don't read much fantasy, but this is really pretty easy to follow great job. Your imagery is outstanding and your writing voice is natural:
"The cloaked figure positioned himself in a shadowy area, and began to unfasten the laces of his boot. With one foot on a bench, he bent over and continued to fiddle with the lacings for several moments. Anyone glancing in his direction would think he was adjusting the laces to make them more comfortable to wear, not that many people looked his way. Most everyone was in a hurry to get to the grand hall of the castle before the entertainment began."
Bravo, my friend! Bob
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Hi Bob,
What a delightful surprise to see your name pop up. Thank you for the encouraging comments about the writing. And thank you so much for the six stars!
I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. It means a lot.
Debi
Comment from Phoenix Rysing
I enjoyed this very much and quite enjoy your writing. I'm always a fan of a 'curtsying' character. Very well done. I don't see anything that I would change.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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I enjoyed this very much and quite enjoy your writing. I'm always a fan of a 'curtsying' character. Very well done. I don't see anything that I would change.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the excellent review. I love the comment about the "curtsying character."
Comment from foxangie123
This is entertaining and a great piece of writing. The subject matter is of neat interest as said before. It is such a smooth read dear.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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This is entertaining and a great piece of writing. The subject matter is of neat interest as said before. It is such a smooth read dear.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the kind comments about the writing. I am pleased that you found of interest. I appreciate the comment about the read being smooth. You made me smile.
Debi
Comment from jlsavell
w,j debi, a totally fascinating story. I apologize. I do not recall the other chapters being posted. I will have to back track. I can certainly see a young adult being mesmerized by this. Absolutely great dialogue and scene setting. I do think you spend more time telling but I applaud you for the idea and development. Very intriguing. Loved it.. Jimi
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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w,j debi, a totally fascinating story. I apologize. I do not recall the other chapters being posted. I will have to back track. I can certainly see a young adult being mesmerized by this. Absolutely great dialogue and scene setting. I do think you spend more time telling but I applaud you for the idea and development. Very intriguing. Loved it.. Jimi
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi Jimi,
Thank you for you kind comments and observations. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Thank you for mentioning the dialog and scene setting. I appreciate the encouragement.
Debi
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you are so welcome..
Comment from nancyrabbrose
I like the mystery of your story and the excellent description of the scenes. One as he reads feels as if he is there. The flow of your material is good.
Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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I like the mystery of your story and the excellent description of the scenes. One as he reads feels as if he is there. The flow of your material is good.
Well done.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review. I appreciate you mentioning the flow and that you liked the material.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I sure would like to know what the Fae is up to
and why he is following the Piper. He's up to
something that is apparent and he has taken a
quill and some other items. He is pleased with
himself. :<) Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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I sure would like to know what the Fae is up to
and why he is following the Piper. He's up to
something that is apparent and he has taken a
quill and some other items. He is pleased with
himself. :<) Nancy
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi Nancy,
Yes, that Fae is up to something. Thank you so much for taking time to read and review. I appreciate your comments and encouragement.
Debi
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Debi
So excited to see another chapter of this novel. You do a great job of setting the scene as here:
'Flames from the sconces on the walls flickered and danced in a way that made the characters in the panels appear to move in time to some unheard music they were playing.' This also continues the other-worldly theme for me.
A suggestion only. This chapter has quite a bit of telling which I don't mind, but which could pull the reader out of the building drama.
For instance here:
Piper wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, swallowed hard to dislodge the lump forming in his throat, then took a long, deep breath.'
Particularly in this section, some internal dialogue would help the reader connect with Piper a bit better.
'Piper stood transfixed as he surveyed his surroundings.' A good place for some sort of physical action on Piper's part. Perhaps something like: 'Piper's eyes grew wide and he ran his hands over his arms, for he felt a sudden chill.' Or something like that LoL.
You're imaginative and creative chapter was very satisfying, Debi. I'm glad you're going forward with this novel.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi, Debi
So excited to see another chapter of this novel. You do a great job of setting the scene as here:
'Flames from the sconces on the walls flickered and danced in a way that made the characters in the panels appear to move in time to some unheard music they were playing.' This also continues the other-worldly theme for me.
A suggestion only. This chapter has quite a bit of telling which I don't mind, but which could pull the reader out of the building drama.
For instance here:
Piper wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, swallowed hard to dislodge the lump forming in his throat, then took a long, deep breath.'
Particularly in this section, some internal dialogue would help the reader connect with Piper a bit better.
'Piper stood transfixed as he surveyed his surroundings.' A good place for some sort of physical action on Piper's part. Perhaps something like: 'Piper's eyes grew wide and he ran his hands over his arms, for he felt a sudden chill.' Or something like that LoL.
You're imaginative and creative chapter was very satisfying, Debi. I'm glad you're going forward with this novel.
:) Bev
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi Bev,
Thank you for the generous six stars! Even better is the advice. Sometimes I do need that reminder to show not tell the story. Thank you so much. I can see a couple of other places that might be better with internal dialog as well. I may even adopt your suggested sentence word for word. :)
Debi
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So glad to be of help, Debi. Your basic story is extremely well conceived. I really love this story.
:0) Bev
Comment from Spitfire
A few close calls here for the intruder. What does the fae want with the quill? Is he going to rewrite history? I probably missed it, but what are the stakes here?
Well written. One suggestion:
A girl of about fourteen with a dreamy expression on her face looked up at the figure in a dark cloak and cowl who was about to pass her in the castle corridor.
Delete "on her face". Where else would her expression be?
Also you mentioned the figure in a dark cloak before.
A girl of fourteen with a dreamy expression looked up at the dark figure about to pass her in the corridor.
It's easy to tighten a long sentence up. :-)
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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A few close calls here for the intruder. What does the fae want with the quill? Is he going to rewrite history? I probably missed it, but what are the stakes here?
Well written. One suggestion:
A girl of about fourteen with a dreamy expression on her face looked up at the figure in a dark cloak and cowl who was about to pass her in the castle corridor.
Delete "on her face". Where else would her expression be?
Also you mentioned the figure in a dark cloak before.
A girl of fourteen with a dreamy expression looked up at the dark figure about to pass her in the corridor.
It's easy to tighten a long sentence up. :-)
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi Shari,
Good point about where else would her expression be but on her face. I changed the wording to tighten it up too. Thank you for the advice.
Thank you for taking the time to read and review. It has been a while since I have added an installment on this. The quill and what the fae wants with it will appear in a later chapter so you haven't missed anything.
Have a great Sunday.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Now I have waiting for this and it was very enjoyable and very well written both from an entertainment and technical standpoint.
Interesting dynamics at the end between the Captain and the Fae - some back-history there no doubt.
Great stuff
G
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reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi there,
Now I have waiting for this and it was very enjoyable and very well written both from an entertainment and technical standpoint.
Interesting dynamics at the end between the Captain and the Fae - some back-history there no doubt.
Great stuff
G
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi G,
Thank you for the most generous review and comments. I appreciate the comment about the writing. You made my day! Yes, you are correct, the Captain and the Fae have some issues.
Debi
Comment from F. Wehr3
Really nice work! I loved your visuals and the deepening mystery of the Fae and his relationship with Capt. Burkehart. One suggestion in the second to last paragraph. You have the fae's actions mixed in with Burkehart's dialogue.
"Troubadour Braun broke a string on his lute and I was sent to fetch a replacement for him." Just need comma before and.
Take care,
Russell
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reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Really nice work! I loved your visuals and the deepening mystery of the Fae and his relationship with Capt. Burkehart. One suggestion in the second to last paragraph. You have the fae's actions mixed in with Burkehart's dialogue.
"Troubadour Braun broke a string on his lute and I was sent to fetch a replacement for him." Just need comma before and.
Take care,
Russell
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi Russell,
Thank you for the encouragement and the suggestioins. It is always good to have a second pair of eyes catch those mistakes.
Debi