Rage
The making of a rogue grizzly22 total reviews
Comment from Marykelly
The story you are telling about a grizzly bear is compelling because you have personified him in the sense that the reader feels his physical pain from his wound and feels his emotional pain as he exits his cave in search of food for survival. The natural world can be a harsh place and you have succeeded in making Zeke a sympathetic character, not just a wild animal.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2016
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The story you are telling about a grizzly bear is compelling because you have personified him in the sense that the reader feels his physical pain from his wound and feels his emotional pain as he exits his cave in search of food for survival. The natural world can be a harsh place and you have succeeded in making Zeke a sympathetic character, not just a wild animal.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Your comments meant a lot to me because That is exactly what I was trying to convey. I will post the other chapters later. They still need some work.
Comment from Lu Saluna
I think you did a beautiful job and nailed if for descriptive writing and cadence! The entire chapter is written beautifully detailed from Zeke's point of view. I think this is an amazing piece of writing. You have described his pain, anguish, hunger and certainly his justifiable rage in great detail. The chapter reads very easily, and is fluid from start to finish. The hardship Zeke is enduring feels real, believable, palpable and as the reader I can feel for this poor bear. His being shot for something he did not do, no on helping him, feeling alone, all this I can feel from this chapter.
Well done!
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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I think you did a beautiful job and nailed if for descriptive writing and cadence! The entire chapter is written beautifully detailed from Zeke's point of view. I think this is an amazing piece of writing. You have described his pain, anguish, hunger and certainly his justifiable rage in great detail. The chapter reads very easily, and is fluid from start to finish. The hardship Zeke is enduring feels real, believable, palpable and as the reader I can feel for this poor bear. His being shot for something he did not do, no on helping him, feeling alone, all this I can feel from this chapter.
Well done!
Comment Written 28-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I'm so glad I got the bear's state of mind across to you, that is what I was trying to do. Thank you for the six stars, they are appreciated.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Filled with elegant descriptive phrases throughout. I don't know if your wriing teacher likes that, but you sure are good at it. Just one example: A fluttering riot of honks and squawks
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Filled with elegant descriptive phrases throughout. I don't know if your wriing teacher likes that, but you sure are good at it. Just one example: A fluttering riot of honks and squawks
Comment Written 28-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Thank you. The course I'm taking wanted a scene filled with descriptive writing o here it is. Thank you for reading ans commenting.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"lanced" should be "lances" because "lanced" is past tense and the rest of the story is written in present tense.
A man-killing, wild grizzly is not something to mess about with.
Seems "Zeke" is well on his way, but his wounded leg will make him even more dangerous.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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"lanced" should be "lances" because "lanced" is past tense and the rest of the story is written in present tense.
A man-killing, wild grizzly is not something to mess about with.
Seems "Zeke" is well on his way, but his wounded leg will make him even more dangerous.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I thought so too but I have grammarly on my computer and it insisted it should be lanced. I think you and I are right so I'm going to change it back to lances. Thanks for reading.
Comment from DonandVicki
I will have to go back and read the previous chapters, this one pulled me in and I was wanting more at the end. I will look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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I will have to go back and read the previous chapters, this one pulled me in and I was wanting more at the end. I will look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I haven't posted the other chapters yet, but I will soon. They need editing yet.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, April. A very unique idea for a novel here. Very good images used throughout this chapter, like: "Below, Zeke spies a gray wolf moving through the mist; so quiet it might be a trick of shadow rather than an animal hunting in the earth- scented dawn."
And: " He snuffles and snorts, feeling vastly sorry for himself; the anger and hunger still burning like hot coals in his stomach. Zeke curls up into a shivering, wet, hungry ball of frustrated bear hair; the sound of rain playing a drumbeat on his shelter lulls him to sleep."
Also: " A large male goose, so full of arrogance he is unaware of death lurking in the underbrush, swims under Zeke's nose. One swat from a massive paw and the bird is his."
The only thoing this chapter lacks is dialogue and I realize that this story does not lend itself to use of dialogue, however, be aware in future chapters especially, "dialogue carries a story...any writing of prose for that matter."
Suggestions: "Zeke wakes" Why not keep the entire story in past tense as a narrator. Make this "Zeke woke" or "Zeke stirred."
I would delete this, april: " he is not a happy grizzly." (It's obvious he is not happy with all the pain he must be in)
Fix this in your notes: "The first chapter is about Zeke's young live" (life...not live)
Creative writing classes are great. I took many of those years ago and they are extremely helpful. I have a list here that I obtained some time ago that has helped me and would be a good guide for you I think:
"Perhaps you'll find some clues in his 10 tricks for good writing: *
Never open a book with weather.
Avoid prologues.
Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"...he admonished gravely.
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. ( Elmore Leonard...World renowned fiction writer)
Blessings and good luck with this book, April :) Bob
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Hi, April. A very unique idea for a novel here. Very good images used throughout this chapter, like: "Below, Zeke spies a gray wolf moving through the mist; so quiet it might be a trick of shadow rather than an animal hunting in the earth- scented dawn."
And: " He snuffles and snorts, feeling vastly sorry for himself; the anger and hunger still burning like hot coals in his stomach. Zeke curls up into a shivering, wet, hungry ball of frustrated bear hair; the sound of rain playing a drumbeat on his shelter lulls him to sleep."
Also: " A large male goose, so full of arrogance he is unaware of death lurking in the underbrush, swims under Zeke's nose. One swat from a massive paw and the bird is his."
The only thoing this chapter lacks is dialogue and I realize that this story does not lend itself to use of dialogue, however, be aware in future chapters especially, "dialogue carries a story...any writing of prose for that matter."
Suggestions: "Zeke wakes" Why not keep the entire story in past tense as a narrator. Make this "Zeke woke" or "Zeke stirred."
I would delete this, april: " he is not a happy grizzly." (It's obvious he is not happy with all the pain he must be in)
Fix this in your notes: "The first chapter is about Zeke's young live" (life...not live)
Creative writing classes are great. I took many of those years ago and they are extremely helpful. I have a list here that I obtained some time ago that has helped me and would be a good guide for you I think:
"Perhaps you'll find some clues in his 10 tricks for good writing: *
Never open a book with weather.
Avoid prologues.
Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"...he admonished gravely.
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. ( Elmore Leonard...World renowned fiction writer)
Blessings and good luck with this book, April :) Bob
Comment Written 27-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I was hoping you would read this. I first wrote this in the past tense then changed it to present as the bear is showing his story. Ther is more dialogue in the first two chapters as this is when the rangers raise Zeke, name him, and turn him back into the wild. There will be more dialogue when Zeke gets to the lowlands where humans live. What do you think about which tense this should be written in?
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Hi, April. I am no expert by any means. But, I have found with all of my work except the novel I am currently working on which is Omniescent POV, the best way is past tensde. It allows for more flexability and heps to ptrevent passive sentences and the use of the word "was" Up to you. There is no law saying you cannot switch to past tense with a note at the bottom explaining if you want to that you have decided to go "past tense. It's really an easy transition and I think you will be happier with it. Remember, at some point you are going to want Zeke's thoughts and past tense will help with that. You can alwaysgo back in your leisure and change the other two chapters to past tense. In the end, it's all up to you. I do know I have read literally hundreds of books in my lifetime. I always have a book (a real book not kindle) in my hands and the majority woithout reservation are written in past tense. Blessings and good luck, /Bob
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Hi, April. I am no expert by any means. But, I have found with all of my work except the novel I am currently working on which is Omniescent POV, the best way is past tensde. It allows for more flexability and heps to ptrevent passive sentences and the use of the word "was" Up to you. There is no law saying you cannot switch to past tense with a note at the bottom explaining if you want to that you have decided to go "past tense. It's really an easy transition and I think you will be happier with it. Remember, at some point you are going to want Zeke's thoughts and past tense will help with that. You can alwaysgo back in your leisure and change the other two chapters to past tense. In the end, it's all up to you. I do know I have read literally hundreds of books in my lifetime. I always have a book (a real book not kindle) in my hands and the majority woithout reservation are written in past tense. Blessings and good luck, /Bob
Comment from Delahay
I would think park rangers would know better thank to raise a grizzly, that they intended to release into the wild, to trust humans. I really enjoyed they way you painted pictures of the woods and the weather with your words. I did find what I believe is one small error.
'Zeke slips unseen into the water and waded to the edge of the brush'
You have a present and a past tense verb. I think it should either be 'slipped' or 'wades'.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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I would think park rangers would know better thank to raise a grizzly, that they intended to release into the wild, to trust humans. I really enjoyed they way you painted pictures of the woods and the weather with your words. I did find what I believe is one small error.
'Zeke slips unseen into the water and waded to the edge of the brush'
You have a present and a past tense verb. I think it should either be 'slipped' or 'wades'.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Yep, you're right. I missed that boo-boo, thanks for the catch. It's just a story, and the rangers do try not to let the bear get too dependent on them and do not make a pet out of him.
Comment from crybry67
I'd give six if I had them. That was extremely well written. Your descriptions were wonderful, you give lots of details, and it flows easily. Interesting to think about it from the bears point of view. Although I must say, you've just described me and half the population when we're having ' one of those days'
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2016
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I'd give six if I had them. That was extremely well written. Your descriptions were wonderful, you give lots of details, and it flows easily. Interesting to think about it from the bears point of view. Although I must say, you've just described me and half the population when we're having ' one of those days'
Comment Written 27-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Yeah, I get those days too, when it isn't safe to be around me. There is a lot more to this story which I will post later. Thank you for reading and the five stars
Comment from Marvin Calloway
I don't know if the 'angry' cadence works but this is an excellently written story, with strong evidence of tremendous creativity.
The paragraph beginning with 'A fierce gust . . .' and ending with '. . . him to sleep.' is especially strong, with beautiful descriptive phrases.
Is there a typo in this sentence?: The first chapter is about Zeke's "young live" with his mother . . .
Good luck with your assignment.
Marv
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2016
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I don't know if the 'angry' cadence works but this is an excellently written story, with strong evidence of tremendous creativity.
The paragraph beginning with 'A fierce gust . . .' and ending with '. . . him to sleep.' is especially strong, with beautiful descriptive phrases.
Is there a typo in this sentence?: The first chapter is about Zeke's "young live" with his mother . . .
Good luck with your assignment.
Marv
Comment Written 27-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2016
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Thank you. No typo, this is one chapter you just read. I wrote two more chapters before this one. This is after Zeke was shot the fall before and wakes up the next spring. Sorry if I confused you. I will go back and make the notes a little plainer. Thanks for pointing it out and for the six stars.
Comment from humpwhistle
I'm sorry, but I haven't read your earlier installments.
Nothing at the top of this post indicated to me that I was coming into
an ongoing story.
I read and commented as if this was a stand-alone piece.
When I got to your notes, many of my comments proved
to be irrelevant.
Perhaps a note at the beginning would be helpful to other readers?
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2016
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I'm sorry, but I haven't read your earlier installments.
Nothing at the top of this post indicated to me that I was coming into
an ongoing story.
I read and commented as if this was a stand-alone piece.
When I got to your notes, many of my comments proved
to be irrelevant.
Perhaps a note at the beginning would be helpful to other readers?
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 27-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2016
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Thank you. You're right, I intended to put chapter three at the top of this post, I will go back and correct. I can see where it would be confusing.