Once upon the heart..
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Midnight Flight"Love poems
38 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
Excellent work! I enjoyed this poem. It sounds as though the one you hold most dear is far from you and you can now only touch them in your dreams. Beautifully done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
  |
Excellent work! I enjoyed this poem. It sounds as though the one you hold most dear is far from you and you can now only touch them in your dreams. Beautifully done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Russell,thank you for reading and the great review!!! ( dang! you got it)
Comment from Ira White
Artfully done! The repetition of "Beg, wake me never from my midnight flight," echoes throughout the poem. Nice rhyme scheme as well. I really enjoyed this.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
Artfully done! The repetition of "Beg, wake me never from my midnight flight," echoes throughout the poem. Nice rhyme scheme as well. I really enjoyed this.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Thank you Ira!...so glad you enjoyed!! thanks for reading and the review!
Comment from RoostyNester
If dreams could all come true. In our dreams we can imagine anything that brings us pleasure, but then we wake up! I loved your poem and the beautiful picture that enhances it. Well done in the Kyrielle Sonnet style.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
If dreams could all come true. In our dreams we can imagine anything that brings us pleasure, but then we wake up! I loved your poem and the beautiful picture that enhances it. Well done in the Kyrielle Sonnet style.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Awe thank you so much for this wonderful review!!!
Comment from Pantygynt
Well it is quite clear where the love is in this Kyrielle sonnet, so I don't have to ask that question. You have a great line for your end of stanza repeats both in content and meter. Also your opening line is also excellent, thus the two together make an impressive final couplet that leves a pleasant aftertaste.
There are however three other lines that stretch the meter just a touch
"I'll blissfully drift to where love redeems"
Three syllable adverbs are mines on which it is inadvisable to tread in iambic meter. They tend to throw the stress onto the final "Y" syllable making it sound a bit forced. In this line you also have a stress on "to", an insignificant preposition that would be better hidden in an unstressed syllable. Altering the word order slightly doesn't solve but seems to mask the adverb problem, by throwing the stress onto "drift" and does away with that awkward preposition.
"then blissfully I'll drift where love redeems"
Forever is what I call a naturally iambic word because its natural stress comes on the second syllable. As such it is an ideal word to start an iambic line so don't through that opportunity away.
"forever you'll remain just where you are"
works better for me, how about you?
"Where fantasy comes finally to light"
You do like your three syllable adverbs don't you? But by the simple expedient of altering the word order a more regular iambic rhythm can be achieved.
Shall I give you four stars and re-review when you put it right or give you five now and hope you'll rectify it anyway?
The latter is less trouble on the whole.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
Well it is quite clear where the love is in this Kyrielle sonnet, so I don't have to ask that question. You have a great line for your end of stanza repeats both in content and meter. Also your opening line is also excellent, thus the two together make an impressive final couplet that leves a pleasant aftertaste.
There are however three other lines that stretch the meter just a touch
"I'll blissfully drift to where love redeems"
Three syllable adverbs are mines on which it is inadvisable to tread in iambic meter. They tend to throw the stress onto the final "Y" syllable making it sound a bit forced. In this line you also have a stress on "to", an insignificant preposition that would be better hidden in an unstressed syllable. Altering the word order slightly doesn't solve but seems to mask the adverb problem, by throwing the stress onto "drift" and does away with that awkward preposition.
"then blissfully I'll drift where love redeems"
Forever is what I call a naturally iambic word because its natural stress comes on the second syllable. As such it is an ideal word to start an iambic line so don't through that opportunity away.
"forever you'll remain just where you are"
works better for me, how about you?
"Where fantasy comes finally to light"
You do like your three syllable adverbs don't you? But by the simple expedient of altering the word order a more regular iambic rhythm can be achieved.
Shall I give you four stars and re-review when you put it right or give you five now and hope you'll rectify it anyway?
The latter is less trouble on the whole.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
:-)))) so you like it??? :-)))))))...yes, corrected the first line....but the second, as you have...loses my meaning. "forever YOU'LL remain"...to me..."he" stays..in that dreamland.....the way I have it.... "and forever remaining where YOU are"...to me, implies....I stay in that dreamland with special person... see? SOOOO why can't a final word with Y ending be stressed?...BLISS ful LY..no? I am still quite confused with the stresses...BUT I'll figure it out!!! thanks for all the help!!! I so appreciate it!!...yes, i like 3 yllables...and it drives me crazy to figure it out!
-
"Blissfully" when spoken normally has the major stress on the first syllable. In normal speech we tend not to stress that final Y syllable so much but the meter reqyires that we do so. If the next syllable is naturally unstressed we can get away with it but as you had it the next syllable was an important word that naturall felt as though it ought to be stressed. It made me stumble over the reading. The secret is to get the word order such that the naturally stressed syllables are also the syllables that the meter requires us to stress.
-
ok...so DRIFT would be the natural stress word... ok...so how long does it take to get this?? I'm getting impatient with myself! like why is this hard for me
-
You got it. Generally preposititons and pronouns, usually insignificant unstressed words in normal speech should be placed where the meter doesn't require them to be stress. When you say "It doesn't matter to him", you naturally do not stress either "it" or "to". "Does" is important and matter may be. Him might be if there was another person involved to whom it might matter. Say the phrase over and analyse how you would say it depending on the meaning you wish to convey. Then consider saying the same thing slightly differently to get the stress where the meter puts it. It matters not to him. To him it matters not. To him it doesn't matter. Take your pick.
-
ok..preps and pros..generally not stressed..got it (ihope)...
-
Yup.
-
ok..that i get...i can follow rules..just i dont know what the rules are,,,and youtube isnt that hepful ya know....so THANKS!!
Comment from Richard J
Well, you just keep getting better and better every write, Susan! : )
Sooo very-very lovely and sensually enthralling to the senses, you've blended words together and splashed them across the canvas of our hearts, minds, and dreams in such a vividly wondrous way.
Your poems possess a life all their own - complete with heartbeat, sweet emotion, and breath.
I feel as if I've been swept-up and embraced by tenderly ethereal affection ... the powerful delight of masterfully scintillating poetry! ~ Richard
(Pantygynt shared some excellent advice, too)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
 |
Well, you just keep getting better and better every write, Susan! : )
Sooo very-very lovely and sensually enthralling to the senses, you've blended words together and splashed them across the canvas of our hearts, minds, and dreams in such a vividly wondrous way.
Your poems possess a life all their own - complete with heartbeat, sweet emotion, and breath.
I feel as if I've been swept-up and embraced by tenderly ethereal affection ... the powerful delight of masterfully scintillating poetry! ~ Richard
(Pantygynt shared some excellent advice, too)
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Richard richard richard....I know, you know its not right!!!..BUT I'm glad you like it anyways....( I'm doing that Kyrielle)
-
I can barely wait! : )
Comment from dragonpoet
This is a well written kyrielle sonnet about unrequited love. Hopefully the will be wakened into the fantasy and have life match the dream.
Keep writing
dp
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
This is a well written kyrielle sonnet about unrequited love. Hopefully the will be wakened into the fantasy and have life match the dream.
Keep writing
dp
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Hopefully :-) thanks for reading and the review!!!
-
We all hope this. Your welcome.
dp
Comment from William Ross
nice, not to wake you from those dreams, good job on the sonnet nice rhyming, has good meter, flows and reads great. Thanks for the share and have a great day
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
nice, not to wake you from those dreams, good job on the sonnet nice rhyming, has good meter, flows and reads great. Thanks for the share and have a great day
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Thank you dear for reading and the review!! much appreciated! hope all is well.
Comment from Irish Rain
This is SO pretty, I just love this form, the Kyrielle....never wrote one....quite enchanting in the words, and beautiful message you've chosen!!!! Blessings....
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
This is SO pretty, I just love this form, the Kyrielle....never wrote one....quite enchanting in the words, and beautiful message you've chosen!!!! Blessings....
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
You need to try...BUT i just got corrected...it should have only 8 syllables!! hehehhe, im such a dork!! thanks for reading!!
-
I've been corrected more than once, ha ha
Comment from honeytree
The art work is great here
for these words written
We can wish we can hope
something special helps us all
within our lives sometimes it happens
sometimes not.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
The art work is great here
for these words written
We can wish we can hope
something special helps us all
within our lives sometimes it happens
sometimes not.
Honey tree
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Thank you for reading and the great review!!!
-
that's fine.
honey tree.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Susan, this is just beautiful! Worthy of a six, if I had any. But it is not a Kyrielle, not to the best of my knowlege - a Kyrielle sonnet has eight syllables to a line, unlike the English sonnet, which has ten (like this one), although an English sonnet would not repeat a line as the Kyrielle does.
But I mean it when I say it's beautiful! (Now go write a Kyrielle, my talented friend. *smile*)
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
|
Susan, this is just beautiful! Worthy of a six, if I had any. But it is not a Kyrielle, not to the best of my knowlege - a Kyrielle sonnet has eight syllables to a line, unlike the English sonnet, which has ten (like this one), although an English sonnet would not repeat a line as the Kyrielle does.
But I mean it when I say it's beautiful! (Now go write a Kyrielle, my talented friend. *smile*)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
-
You are correct!!! I have somehow missed this!! SO I'll make up a new form..lol Susan's Kyrielle Sonnet!! hehehe i am such a dork!!! thank you for reading , the great review, encouragement and correction!!! very much appreciated!! hugs.
-
LOL - THAT'S the attitude! HAHAHAHA! You are very welcome. :)
-
Just one WEE problem with that - (giggle) A "Kyrielle Sonnet" is what you were trying to write - you'll have to name yours The ENGLISH Kyrielle Sonnet or sumthin'. LOL - you're crackin' me up, and believe me, I NEED it - takes some pressure off!
-
And BTW, been there, done that - more than once. :))
-
:-)..life is so hard for the newbie!! ( don't tell Dean or Mikey) ...so much to learn!
-
we'll just keep this teeny little mistake between the two of us...I'll start working soon on my next Kyrielle...hopefully correctly!!
-
I think it might be a little late for that, but you know what? That's why I made sure to add that I've done the same thing when learning various forms, and honestly? I think it helps to HAVE it out there because this is a learning site, and it's good for the site = good for us. Being timid about not knowing something is what causes tension, especially when it comes to reviewing, yes? There are MANY forms I have yet to attempt. (And I have been writing poetry for YEARS! *grin*) Too many pretentious people as it is- not here, so much. :))
-
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! XXOO
-
Well i got busted!!! knew it would happen sooner or later lol