Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

I was a bit confused at the start. There are three paragraphs before chapter three starts. Readers may skip straight to the start of the chapter and would miss out on these paragraphs as they aren't part of the second chapter but seem to be in some sort of limbo between the two.

she stepped through the blinding rays of sunlight - I highlighted this as if this light was behind her, Archies couoldn't really have made out her eye colour or got a great look at her hair as she'd be silhouetted against the glare.

During the periods of dialogue, it may be an idea to punctuate them with some actions, maybe her straightening sheets or Archie fidgeting on the bed. This stops it being simply reported speech - just a thought.

A good continuation of the story here and quite intriguing. I am enjoying the slow unravelling.

All the best
G

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2016

I agree with you on the action. I had it in my original version, but last time I put it in, people said I didn't need all the unnecessary action, and should stick with dialogue. Back to the drawing board! Upside: you didn't mention any Spag!!

Thank you, once more, for your careful consideration!

Rhonda

reply by giraffmang on 18-Nov-2016

The thing with dialogue is it can zip past quickly in places but it is very unusual for nothing to be happening during a conversation.

The best advice I can give in regard to this is to look at published books. Very rarely do you see just sentence after sentence of just dialogue. It is normally punctuated with actions, but those actions need to be germane to what is happening in that they should say something about the plot, character or mood.

Always remember that on the site, it isn't always a good barometer of the wider world. You only have to see the rating system to see this! If you're serious about writing take what you can from the site but look outside as well and read.

To write just for this site with all its foibles and 'captive' audience is severely limiting your scope in the outside world.

All the best
G

reply by the author on 18-Nov-2016

Wonderful advice. I often read, and try to soak in what I do from the greats. It's funny how often I do find exactly what you said. Things I get dinged for (not from you), and think, wow, he put it that way.
Any way, I will probably go back and change to my original in this chapter with the action. I do appreciate this advice. It helps clarify!

reply by giraffmang on 18-Nov-2016

Always a pleasure :)

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

A very good choice for a new novel. There are many avenues you can investigate. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2016

Thank you, my friend! Yes, many open doors at this point. I hope you stick around to find out which way it goes!
Rhonda

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Great plot building! I like how the dialog is constructed and how Ayala knows a lot but doesn't divulge it early. Good use of an actual Native American name - Hokee. I looked up "Ayala" and found it means "doe" which goes well with her expressive eyes and also with the plot since a deer caused the accident!

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2016

You are very smart, my friend! Almost every name in here has a purpose, and you are the first to catch on!
Thanks for the review and for being clever enough to figure out one on my secrets!

Take care,
Rhonda

reply by lyenochka on 18-Nov-2016

Thanks! Glad I got the clue!

Comment from Lu Saluna

Excellent

This is really well written. It has plenty of detail and a few layers of mystery. This lady Ayala is not being very truthful. No contact with the outside world yet she knew Archie was the senator and his father the president. Definitely not who they appear to be. The 'abandoned' maybe the 'recluse' who have chosen their lifestyle.
Will have to wait and see though. Archie better watch his hiney.
Obviously you have written a page turner and I am hooked.
This is wonderful. I am eagerly looking forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2016

Thank you, Lu! I assure you, they don't really have a choice, not in the real sense of the word, but that will be revealed later.
Thank you for reading and reviewing. Your attention to detail is very helpful!

Rhonda

Comment from MelB

Excellent

A very good chapter, Rhonda. I don't know what Ayala is up to, but I have a feeling it is something not good. Otherwise, she wouldn't be locking the door.

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2016

True, she does want Archie to stay, and I'm afraid she's as much a prisoner as he is... but that's a story for another day!
Thanks for the wonderful review,
Rhonda

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, Rhonda

= Goodness, Archie seems to be in a pickle.
= His real name would be a hard one to live with.
= It will be interesting to see what Ayala has in store.
= It doesn't sound like it's anything good.
= Excellent write, my friend. Looking forward to the next chapter.

<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016

Thank you, Jax. Yes, he's in a bit of a spot at the moment. Ayala means well, but she guards a very dark secret! Archie is a resilient guy, though, so don't count him out.

Thanks for the review and support,
Rhonda

Comment from KjSilver

Excellent

Good scene. Clear and easily visualized. The dialogue seemed natural and flowed nicely.

One grammar flaw I noticed:

"In the whole vast expanse of the United States, how did I get* manage to get stranded in the City of the Abandoned? (Extra get in this sentence.)

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016

Oh wow, and I just read that part and missed it again. Thanks for noticing.
I'm so glad you are reading this book as it's a bit more grown up than the other.
Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from mbroyles2

Excellent

Oh My.
Archie is definitely in trouble.
Looks like he's going to wish he was back in the car.
The mystery woman had little answers but the one to when he was going home should get his juices flowing.
Terrific chapter.
More, I want more...
:)
Great job!

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016

Thank you for a brilliant review, my friend. Archie is in trouble, but at least the girl is pretty, right?
I'm so glad to have your opinion on the story!

Rhonda

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Excellent

A very good chapter. A small group of important people stranded with important decisions to make. Kind of like Gilligans' Island on steroids.

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016

Thank you, Thomas. Gilligan's Island comment is hilarious!! I appreciate the review.
Rhonda

Comment from Dustybones

Exceptional

Very good, indeed, your story's moving quickly. Interesting how the town is called City of the Abandoned. I like the emphatic"You're not going home." Well, a concussion is nothing to fool with. He's better staying for a few weeks. So what's next? I have no idea. You have me hooked. Your writing is very good as always. Can't wait to see how he'll escape without a car. Thanks for posting. Dusty

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016

Thank you, Dusty!! I so appreciate the wonderful rating. Six stars definitely have a way of encouraging one to write more!
I also appreciate the comments on the story. You are too kind!
Escaping without a car will definitely be a challenge, but so will quite a few other things.
I agree on the concussion. Been there!! And his condition is going to limit his escape attempts for a bit.
Again, thank you for your great review.

Rhonda