Comment from emptypage

Exceptional

OMG, I am so glad I came across this! I love utopian/dystopian literature more than just about anything and I didn't see a single zombie! Tell me this is a zombie-free zone and I will follow you forever!

Your story is engaging from the start. The plot seems really credible and fun. I love these two characters, and you are gifted at dialogue (I like to think I share the same gift. I use dialogue more than any other tool to advance a story line). Technically speaking, I see no issues.

Excellent work.

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, emptypage! I promise you 100% that there are no zombies!!

I love your enthusiasm, it encourages me, and I am so very thankful that you happened upon it. I can use a utopian/distopian expert to give me suggestions along the way. I do so hope you stay with it!!

Thank you for the comments of conversation/dialogue. I am a very dedicated talker, so it just flows over into the stories. I'm glad you like it!!

Take care, and thank you so much for the beautiful six star rating!!

Rhonda

Comment from Heidi M

Excellent

Hokee sounds too good to be true, so... it probably is! Archie may be lulled into staying for a while, but sooner or later he will attempt to leave. There will be fireworks then, I think. You did a wonderful job writing this chapter.

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you, Heidi!! I appreciate your remarks, and your wonderful review.

Of course, it is too good to be true, and on many levels. Archie may be forced to stay for a while as he is still injured, and will not have any support to leave. He will also be curious, but there will be a conflict. They are used to obeying. He is not. lol.

Thank you again,
Rhonda

Comment from RPSaxena

Exceptional

Hello Rhonda,
"... walk, rest, renew. Let's go." The story moves on in an interesting way through Ayala and Archie.
Smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
Matching the theme wording, simple as well as impressive.

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you so much for the beautiful six star rating! I appreciate the fact that you felt it worth the honor.
The theme is simple, or at least in theory, but as Archie will figure out, and try to explain, perfecting our "species" has been tried before.

Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from lancellot

Exceptional

A very interesting chapter. Even reading this one, it tells so much about the book. I can't help but be curious about how Archie will, if he does, make his escape. You do a good job painting equally convincing moral arguments. Nothing is ever truly black or white, shade of grey.

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you for the wonderful six star rating, and for the supportive comments. I hope you continue to follow.
You're right about the shades of grey, and that will come into play a lot in this book. You have a perceptive eye!

Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from JTStone

Excellent

Rhonda, I'm outta sixes...this needs one!
Am I to assume this is one of your completed books, and we're thumbing through to fit into the FS word count format. Thus the bit of a bounce from segment to segment?
This is a truly imaginative story. It has a multi-layered effect on me. Archie is struggling to get back to a life where he will work hard for the next forty years to reach retirement with a girl like Ayala and hopefully end up back in a carefree lifestyle like--Hokee.
BUT, there is the matter of Leander, the plot twister of a character.
Great story.
Jimmy

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

You're right, it is a completed book, from long ago before I learned more about writing from this site. I am attempting to rewrite it so as to republish. I published it with my own company and, therefore, can do a second edition. It is a bit disjointed, as you said, because people won't read more than a certain amount at a time. I'll put all Humpty's pieces back together again when I republish it in a more polished format.

Thank you for the virtual six, and for keeping up with it!

Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Interesting story. I'm surprised the president would allow his son to become part of the experiment... or maybe he does not know Archie has been saved/captured.

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

It sort of explains it in the first few chapters, but I'll recap for you.

Chapter 1: Archie is out driving his Ferrari across I-10 heading to a city in New Mexico. He was driving fast, and a deer runs across his path. His car flips and he ends up stranded in the desert.

Chapter 2: He escapes his mangled car and makes his way to an adobe building.

Chapter 3: Archie, whose real name is Archimedes, wakes up in a bed, and being tended to by a young lady, Ayala, who explains there are no cell phones to use, nor any working phone lines so he can call his office (he's a US Senator from Texas), nor his parents, who are the President and First Lady.
Archie tells Ayala he needs to get home. She tells him it's not happening.

Chapter 4: You read.

Thanks for joining in. I appreciate your support and opinion!

Rhonda

Comment from Mike Stevens

Excellent

Another fine chapter, Rhonda, and it looks like Archie is now a prisoner of The Cult Of The Damned. Isn't it much like a real life cult?

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Actually, yes it is! haha. Only I'm a fantasy writer, so expect the unexpected!

Thanks for reading,
Rhonda

reply by Mike Stevens on 26-Nov-2016

Real cults scare the shit out of me, the thought of not being able to tell if the thoughts are your own?

reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Very true, and Archie will have his hands full trying to deprogram!

Comment from RGstar

Excellent

Bravo, Rhonda. I rather like this. Wanted to come and support your work as you have done mine. Glad I did. It is one of those books that will grow and grow on the reader as it goes on. It is not meant for instant impact, so your language, narrative and ease of wording carries the attraction to its next level.

I felt one thing; try not to reveal everything...the nature of the plan for the organization, the reasons for being and what is expected of the Senator, as in:

"That you knew of," Ayala said. "You see, we're an experimental colony set up about 40 years ago with the purpose of developing ways to survive in harsh conditions. Scientists determined that, as a species, human beings were becoming weak and spoiled, so they petitioned the government to develop a society where this trend could be reversed. Leander was the head of this group and still serves as our main leader."

Quite a lot of info there so the reader sums up all of the plot rather than easing little by little, keep them wondering, keep them interested. Mind you, I have missed three chapters, so perhaps you felt it was time. Yet, something to think of, or you might have to start developing more to the main plot with sub plots.

I found your flow a joy to read. Good continuous narrative that showed that you are comfortable with what you are doing. Good control of scene between the two.


"Of course. The cause is noble, and none of us would not be alive if Leander had not intervened."

Take away ''not'' after'' would'' for it contradicts;

Suggestion:
"Of course. The cause is noble, and none of us would be alive if Leander had not intervened."

This for me is a six star write. I have none. But! Know that the flow, control and level of language is very good. I am happy to keep coming back to this whenever I can.
Keep me in touch as I would like to support you here.
My best wishes.
Have a beautiful day.
RGstar

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you, RG. I am so glad you decided to read the book!

I know I did a lot of reveal, but it was purposeful. The point is the people are brainwashed, and repeat what they are told. All will not be as it seems to them. This is easier to do when a person doesn't have to read a chapter at a time, and that disjointed. You were totally right on it, though. Also, Ayala is a professor and I give her a little latitude on "telling".

Thanks for the clean up on that line. It certainly didn't make much sense!!

Thanks, also, for the virtual six. I'll take it anytime!

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, Rhonda

= OMGoodness! She's putting to Archie with a bit of sugarcoating.
= He leaves, he's chopped liver. Uh-oh, he better rethink his thinking.
= Good chapter. I like the subtle way she tells him to not ruffle Leander's temper--he wouldn't like it. Nice job.

<> Merry Christmas & Happy New Year <>
<> Have a wonderful holiday season <>
<> If you don't celebrate--have a great day/night <>

<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you, Jax!! You are a sweetheart, and I enjoy your reviews so much.
Take care, and have a great Holiday Season!!

Rhonda

Comment from prettybluebirds

Excellent

Excellent. I find this to be a very fascinating story. It is very well written and interesting. It held my attention from start to finish. Great job.

 Comment Written 26-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016

Thank you for your wonderful review. I'm glad you're involved with this book as your reviews are always so honest and supportive.

Take care,
Rhonda