The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The Piper, part 9"Young Adult Fantasy
17 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, debi. This is excellent writing from start to finish. even though I am not a fan of fantasy fiction, I do appreeciate good writing and your story seems plausible given the story so far.
I like your use of strong images, like: "Burkehart slammed his gloved fist against the stone wall, then groaned and shook out the pain in his hand. Through gritted teeth he growled, "Where are you?" He stomped away, heading to the dining hall where the ceremony for Braun was being held."
And: "A hush fell over the audience as the first notes flowed from Piper's flute and embraced the emotions of those in the hall."
Suggestions: If possible, somehow use more dialogue throughout. As yopu know, dialogue "carries" a story.
Happy Holidays. Bob
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi, debi. This is excellent writing from start to finish. even though I am not a fan of fantasy fiction, I do appreeciate good writing and your story seems plausible given the story so far.
I like your use of strong images, like: "Burkehart slammed his gloved fist against the stone wall, then groaned and shook out the pain in his hand. Through gritted teeth he growled, "Where are you?" He stomped away, heading to the dining hall where the ceremony for Braun was being held."
And: "A hush fell over the audience as the first notes flowed from Piper's flute and embraced the emotions of those in the hall."
Suggestions: If possible, somehow use more dialogue throughout. As yopu know, dialogue "carries" a story.
Happy Holidays. Bob
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Bob. I appreciate you taking the time to read and point out your favorite parts. Thank you too for the advice.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
Debi
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You too, debi. :) Bob
Comment from dweigt
Excellent! I read it twice, looking for something, anything, that might need change or improvement, but found nothing. Redd-Leif is an interesting character, and I'm curious to learn what is this secret he needs to deliver. The description of the passageway is detailed and convincing. It is also a point where you draw a distinction between the Fae and humans. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to add more little details like that.
Redd-Leif, despite outward appearances, is not human, and I would expect that to show through not in just his abilities and perceptions, but even in the way he thinks.
Looking forward to more. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Excellent! I read it twice, looking for something, anything, that might need change or improvement, but found nothing. Redd-Leif is an interesting character, and I'm curious to learn what is this secret he needs to deliver. The description of the passageway is detailed and convincing. It is also a point where you draw a distinction between the Fae and humans. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to add more little details like that.
Redd-Leif, despite outward appearances, is not human, and I would expect that to show through not in just his abilities and perceptions, but even in the way he thinks.
Looking forward to more. Keep writing!
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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I am flattered that you like the story and read it twice. Thank you too for the exceptional six star rating. I appreciate you taking the time to point out what you liked. That you too about the expectation the Redd-Leif should not only have different abilities and perceptions, but a different thought process. Excellent observation. I'll try to bring that out more.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Ah, so Piper finally got a place in the spotlight. His music is enchanting and moves many to tears as he plays. What is it the Faes want from Piper? Is he in danger? Burkehart thinks so.
Well done Debi. Nancy
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Ah, so Piper finally got a place in the spotlight. His music is enchanting and moves many to tears as he plays. What is it the Faes want from Piper? Is he in danger? Burkehart thinks so.
Well done Debi. Nancy
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi Nancy,
Thank you so much for sticking with this story. Piper is a great musician, but life hold secrets he does not even imagine. He should enjoy his place in the spotlight for now. Thank you for the commentary and the encouragement.
Debi
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
This is the first of your chapters I've read.
You show great imagination and organization of your rules and characters.
It reads well and is very interesting.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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This is the first of your chapters I've read.
You show great imagination and organization of your rules and characters.
It reads well and is very interesting.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Thank you so much for dropping in to read, especially several chapters in. Not everyone will do that, so I really appreciate it. Thank you for the encouraging comments about the writing. I am pleased you enjoyed the story.
Debi
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Grand Master of the Music Build, - Guild?
"Whew. That is a ways down." He drew himself back in and relaxed against the wall to gaze up at the stars. "Faerie dust? Hmm. You have quite an imagination, Captain." - this is very nice. A little wink to the reader. Good fun and a nice addition.
Good tension and a sense of trepidation pervade during Redd-Leif's journey to and through the secret passage. Nicely written.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi there,
Grand Master of the Music Build, - Guild?
"Whew. That is a ways down." He drew himself back in and relaxed against the wall to gaze up at the stars. "Faerie dust? Hmm. You have quite an imagination, Captain." - this is very nice. A little wink to the reader. Good fun and a nice addition.
Good tension and a sense of trepidation pervade during Redd-Leif's journey to and through the secret passage. Nicely written.
All the best
G
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi G,
Thank you for sticking with the story and giving your insights. I appreciate you pointing out what worked, and for catching the SPAG. I appreciate the encouraging comments about the writing.
Debi
Comment from c_lucas
Piper shows off his talented gift. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Things are beginning to come together.
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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Piper shows off his talented gift. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Things are beginning to come together.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi Charlie,
Thank you for the kind comments and encouraging review. Have a wonderful holiday season.
Debi
Comment from winnona
A well-written chapter. The words flowed well from beginning to end. Your use of details and realistic characters brought the chapter to life as I read it. well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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A well-written chapter. The words flowed well from beginning to end. Your use of details and realistic characters brought the chapter to life as I read it. well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging comments about the writing. I am pleased your liked this chapter. Thank you for stopping by.
Debi