Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "A Moonlit Flight"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
28 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Ahhh...a bit of an unexpected twist. Good work. This should add to the fun and the drama. Nice touch! I approve! heehee (Like you needed that!) I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Ahhh...a bit of an unexpected twist. Good work. This should add to the fun and the drama. Nice touch! I approve! heehee (Like you needed that!) I enjoyed!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Robyn, for your wonderful and lighthearted review! You made me smile!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Lu Saluna
Another well-written chapter, eventful, great plot, plenty of concrete imagery.
Ayala is a pain in the neck as far as sisters go, not very supportive and have even betrayed her own sister by not allowing Koko to make her own decisions about her future. The punishment of a one-way ticket to the mines seems very inhumane. It is no wonder someone from Hokee wants to leave.
This chapter was full of suspense and has me yearning for more.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Another well-written chapter, eventful, great plot, plenty of concrete imagery.
Ayala is a pain in the neck as far as sisters go, not very supportive and have even betrayed her own sister by not allowing Koko to make her own decisions about her future. The punishment of a one-way ticket to the mines seems very inhumane. It is no wonder someone from Hokee wants to leave.
This chapter was full of suspense and has me yearning for more.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much, Lu! You are a wonderful support in these stories!
There's a reason for the one way ticket, and it will become known later, but you're right on Ayala. She lets her job get to her head!!
Thanks so much for the beautiful review,
Rhonda
Comment from lyenochka
Good interactions between Koko and Archie that dragged the suspense a bit more and showed how complicated a decision it was for Koko. I'm very happy that Ayala is coming along. I'm sure she'll be happy she escaped in the process!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Good interactions between Koko and Archie that dragged the suspense a bit more and showed how complicated a decision it was for Koko. I'm very happy that Ayala is coming along. I'm sure she'll be happy she escaped in the process!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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They couldn't really leave without her! But Koko would probably have preferred her to be willing. haha.
Thanks so much for your wonderful review,
Rhonda
Comment from Commando
What an imagination? Your "A Moonlit Flight" is commendably written, and I enjoyed it immensely. Professionally done, "My friend." I'm ready for the next Chapter. Please, "Hurry along." Respectfully, Bill
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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What an imagination? Your "A Moonlit Flight" is commendably written, and I enjoyed it immensely. Professionally done, "My friend." I'm ready for the next Chapter. Please, "Hurry along." Respectfully, Bill
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Bill!! The bright shining six stars light my morning.
As always, you are too kind.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
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And you too, sweetheart.
Bill
Comment from Heidi M
Really great chapter with lots of action and hopefully a successful escape. Good to throw A gala into the mix. Nice description of Sami.
I'm looking forward to their desert trek and the challenges they will meet.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Really great chapter with lots of action and hopefully a successful escape. Good to throw A gala into the mix. Nice description of Sami.
I'm looking forward to their desert trek and the challenges they will meet.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Heidi!! Your exceptional rating and stars are humbling. You're too sweet!
I've gotten behind on your book, and need to get caught up! It's so easy to get behind on this site.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This is a well-described chapter that creates intrigue and believable dialogue between the characters. It is fast-moving and lends to the highly paced action of your story as it unfolds.
Your character listing in Notes is resourceful and provides just enough information without being too wordy.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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This is a well-described chapter that creates intrigue and believable dialogue between the characters. It is fast-moving and lends to the highly paced action of your story as it unfolds.
Your character listing in Notes is resourceful and provides just enough information without being too wordy.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Wow, thank you, Mary!! What a wonderful and helpful review. I appreciate your time and attention.
Have a great week,
Rhonda
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Again very well written piece full of advernture and intrigue. Nicely written and the interaction flows easily with the action of the chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Again very well written piece full of advernture and intrigue. Nicely written and the interaction flows easily with the action of the chapter.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Barb!! You're a sweetheart!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Well, a new turn of events. So Ayala is now going with them. This should be interesting. I sure hope it goes smoothly. I know it won't.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Well, a new turn of events. So Ayala is now going with them. This should be interesting. I sure hope it goes smoothly. I know it won't.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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You're right, it won't go smoothly, but it will go somewhere. They just may encounter challenges.
Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This gets more interesting with each additional chapter. You've done a very good job of making the reader care about the characters, and are rooting for them to succeed. You do an excellent job of creating a cliff hanger to ensure that readers return. I don't feel it's necessary to comment on your transitions, action, dialogue, etc., because, as always, they are excellent.
I did notice a couple things I wanted to comment on.
"We'd say[,] in our world, peacock." (comma where indicated)
That's why he hides in this extravagant house[,] behind a flashy desk[,] and gets Cougar kin to do his dirty work. (commas where indicated)
"They're just over the fence in [the] brush." (Do you need the word 'the' where indicated, or was it left out on purpose?)
"You need a new job," Archie growled, continuing to apply just enough pressure to keep her from getting up. (You use descriptive narrative in your tag lines. I know many people do this, but it is not correct. A tag line is only for identifying the speaker. Descriptive narrative needs to be on its own. It will make the writing stronger.)
"You can't just leave her here in the dirt," Koko protested as she handed over the requested item. (Another example of descriptive narrative in the tag line. You don't need to say Koko 'protested.' We already know that by what she just said. Actually, this doesn't even need a tag line because we know it's Koko speaking. Maybe a rewrite just to tweak, such as: {"You can't just leave her here in the dirt!" Eyebrows knitted together and pulled low, Koko handed Archie the sheet.} See the difference? Of course, use your own words.)
Is {they} what you call oppression? ('that' rather than 'they.')
Nice job with this chapter. Looking forward to the next installment.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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This gets more interesting with each additional chapter. You've done a very good job of making the reader care about the characters, and are rooting for them to succeed. You do an excellent job of creating a cliff hanger to ensure that readers return. I don't feel it's necessary to comment on your transitions, action, dialogue, etc., because, as always, they are excellent.
I did notice a couple things I wanted to comment on.
"We'd say[,] in our world, peacock." (comma where indicated)
That's why he hides in this extravagant house[,] behind a flashy desk[,] and gets Cougar kin to do his dirty work. (commas where indicated)
"They're just over the fence in [the] brush." (Do you need the word 'the' where indicated, or was it left out on purpose?)
"You need a new job," Archie growled, continuing to apply just enough pressure to keep her from getting up. (You use descriptive narrative in your tag lines. I know many people do this, but it is not correct. A tag line is only for identifying the speaker. Descriptive narrative needs to be on its own. It will make the writing stronger.)
"You can't just leave her here in the dirt," Koko protested as she handed over the requested item. (Another example of descriptive narrative in the tag line. You don't need to say Koko 'protested.' We already know that by what she just said. Actually, this doesn't even need a tag line because we know it's Koko speaking. Maybe a rewrite just to tweak, such as: {"You can't just leave her here in the dirt!" Eyebrows knitted together and pulled low, Koko handed Archie the sheet.} See the difference? Of course, use your own words.)
Is {they} what you call oppression? ('that' rather than 'they.')
Nice job with this chapter. Looking forward to the next installment.
Suzanne
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Thank you for all the detailed work, Suzanne. A couple were oversights, but the part about the tags I needed help with. I used to use them, and you know that, because you spoke to me about it before.
And then several people said I was using too much conversation without moving the action, so I put them back in.
Your explanation really helped me clarify and make sense of it.
Thank you so very much!!
Rhonda
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Glad I helped. :o)
Comment from Douglas Paul
I really like the developments in this chapter, my friend. You kept the tension running high and you provided two new twists at the end that sound promising. The story flow well as usual. Great chapter
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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I really like the developments in this chapter, my friend. You kept the tension running high and you provided two new twists at the end that sound promising. The story flow well as usual. Great chapter
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful six stars, Douglas, and for the exceptional review. You have helped so much on both books and I appreciate you.
Take care,
Rhonda
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Thanks - they have been a pleasure to read