Unyielding Trial
on mental health41 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
Hi Jimi... you have once again managed to write a powerfully descriptive prose poem describing so vividly how it must feel to be caught in the grip of mental illness. Some of your unique and creative phrases that become instantly unforgettable include: "Its frayed leash, a rotted albatross of emotional maggots snakes up the ankles. Slithers its way into your soul. Sucks the air." and... "Lost childen (children) with aged faces, hands wringing, tears streaming...wailing...begging you to carry their burden." Wow!
You have a gift for dramatic description, that's for sure. You know how to make a reader feel what you are telling.
A few small issues you may want to fix, sooner rather than later...
***They say, it too, laid at Churchill's feet. (I thought the commas were in the wrong place, but I admit, I am not an authority on comma placement)
"You're not a good person! You're not a good person!" sqawks (squawks) the cancerous raven, who swoops out of nowhere. The enraptured blackbird of doom and judgement. Flitting and shitting. Infecting your spirit with worthlessnes. (worthlessness)
The bleak hallway stretches endlessly. Distorted. Doom resounds, echoes relentlessly. The sewage of grunge and poor choices begin (begins) rising at your feet. Down, down, drown , drown. Doors begin to bulge and swing from the onslaught. Familiar faces gawk and screech. Your gawd-damned relatives filled with pity, tough love scenarios, (no comma) and exasperation (,) screaming pious advice (,) "Swim! Swim! You can do it if you really want too." (really want to.)
Hope this is helpful. I thought the poem was amazing and super-strong. I loved the music too.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2017
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Hi Jimi... you have once again managed to write a powerfully descriptive prose poem describing so vividly how it must feel to be caught in the grip of mental illness. Some of your unique and creative phrases that become instantly unforgettable include: "Its frayed leash, a rotted albatross of emotional maggots snakes up the ankles. Slithers its way into your soul. Sucks the air." and... "Lost childen (children) with aged faces, hands wringing, tears streaming...wailing...begging you to carry their burden." Wow!
You have a gift for dramatic description, that's for sure. You know how to make a reader feel what you are telling.
A few small issues you may want to fix, sooner rather than later...
***They say, it too, laid at Churchill's feet. (I thought the commas were in the wrong place, but I admit, I am not an authority on comma placement)
"You're not a good person! You're not a good person!" sqawks (squawks) the cancerous raven, who swoops out of nowhere. The enraptured blackbird of doom and judgement. Flitting and shitting. Infecting your spirit with worthlessnes. (worthlessness)
The bleak hallway stretches endlessly. Distorted. Doom resounds, echoes relentlessly. The sewage of grunge and poor choices begin (begins) rising at your feet. Down, down, drown , drown. Doors begin to bulge and swing from the onslaught. Familiar faces gawk and screech. Your gawd-damned relatives filled with pity, tough love scenarios, (no comma) and exasperation (,) screaming pious advice (,) "Swim! Swim! You can do it if you really want too." (really want to.)
Hope this is helpful. I thought the poem was amazing and super-strong. I loved the music too.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2017
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Adonna,
Thank you. I am a klutz sometimes. It does not matter how much I proofread my brain misses something!!!
Thank you. Means a lot.
Jimi
Comment from TPAC
You go. I like the presentation of this write, captivating aspects of profound interests, glazed by a creative hand that wrote these thought-provoking concepts about a black dog. Learnt allot about written expression.
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You go. I like the presentation of this write, captivating aspects of profound interests, glazed by a creative hand that wrote these thought-provoking concepts about a black dog. Learnt allot about written expression.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017
Comment from TAB_that's me
Yes, I know this dog well. You know it and hate it and dread it but once it takes hold it is almost like a familiar friend and you don't know how to let it go.
Your wordage is wonderful.
teresa
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Yes, I know this dog well. You know it and hate it and dread it but once it takes hold it is almost like a familiar friend and you don't know how to let it go.
Your wordage is wonderful.
teresa
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Perfection. Excllent writing and the wording you used were strong and compelling. No problems noted and you captured it perfectly. BEen there and i can see me when i was
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Perfection. Excllent writing and the wording you used were strong and compelling. No problems noted and you captured it perfectly. BEen there and i can see me when i was
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
Comment from lalajovanoski
Well hello there friend I found this piece to be very deep and moving it is powerfully written I think we all know someone that suffers with depression and it's very sad and it can be very difficult thank you very much for sharing this with us
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Well hello there friend I found this piece to be very deep and moving it is powerfully written I think we all know someone that suffers with depression and it's very sad and it can be very difficult thank you very much for sharing this with us
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Depression can be all consuming and it's hard fo sufferers to break free from it. The spiral starts and soon the sufferer can't cope. A poignant write with resonating sentiments, love Dolly x
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Depression can be all consuming and it's hard fo sufferers to break free from it. The spiral starts and soon the sufferer can't cope. A poignant write with resonating sentiments, love Dolly x
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
Comment from Natalie Walker
This is a truly excellent poem. The imagery and metaphors create a clear picture of the reality so many people face. I especially like how the last stanza wraps up the poem nicely and brings it home.
I didn't notice any errors or typos.
Nice work!
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This is a truly excellent poem. The imagery and metaphors create a clear picture of the reality so many people face. I especially like how the last stanza wraps up the poem nicely and brings it home.
I didn't notice any errors or typos.
Nice work!
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
Comment from JDRBAR
This definitely get down to the core of depression and the effect it has on those around you. Very well written and a smooth read. I'd like to defeat that "black dog" myself.
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This definitely get down to the core of depression and the effect it has on those around you. Very well written and a smooth read. I'd like to defeat that "black dog" myself.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
Comment from Dean Kuch
Hello, Jimi.
Your poem here on depression...well, I'll just say this much and then skedaddle...
Unless you've "been there, done that", you can never truly understand nor comprehend how debilitating depression...anxiety, bipolar...PTSD...or maladies of their kind can truly be.
For example, do you know what it's like to have your hand forced into taking another human life? As a sniper in the Marine Corps that was my primary job...killing my fellow human beings.
On top of that, when you're a sniper you get to view your intended targets in your sights very up close and personal-like.
They are faces whom you never forget, not even in your sleep.
You tell yourself, Well, "self", you were only doing your job, and many of your comrades would have died if you hadn't.
You wanna know how you get past it?
You don't.
Good writing, as usual.
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Hello, Jimi.
Your poem here on depression...well, I'll just say this much and then skedaddle...
Unless you've "been there, done that", you can never truly understand nor comprehend how debilitating depression...anxiety, bipolar...PTSD...or maladies of their kind can truly be.
For example, do you know what it's like to have your hand forced into taking another human life? As a sniper in the Marine Corps that was my primary job...killing my fellow human beings.
On top of that, when you're a sniper you get to view your intended targets in your sights very up close and personal-like.
They are faces whom you never forget, not even in your sleep.
You tell yourself, Well, "self", you were only doing your job, and many of your comrades would have died if you hadn't.
You wanna know how you get past it?
You don't.
Good writing, as usual.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
Comment from Hitcher
A stunningly beautiful, well crafted slice of dark free verse poetry friend. The visuals conjured up in the minds eye were ravenous, haunting and bloody brilliant: ) I am one of the lucky ones I guess, for I have never had to endure depression of any kind but I definitely know enough people who have and you feel/see the monumental battle they wage. Awesome write Jimi !!
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A stunningly beautiful, well crafted slice of dark free verse poetry friend. The visuals conjured up in the minds eye were ravenous, haunting and bloody brilliant: ) I am one of the lucky ones I guess, for I have never had to endure depression of any kind but I definitely know enough people who have and you feel/see the monumental battle they wage. Awesome write Jimi !!
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017