Ireland Dear Ireland
An exile returns to the land of his birth33 total reviews
Comment from Catmusings
Such a delightful story for reading on this dreary March morning in Ontario here in Canada as we wait impatiently for spring to come.
I could picture your descriptions of the Irish countryside so well. We went to Ireland in 2017. So beautiful and full of character and history just like your story.
Such well fleshed out characters. The bus driver was depicted so well as was the broken down bus who had a character of its own. So funny when it took revenge. I loved the gentle humour, too. Well done!
Glad that the main character was able to return to his roots to stay. Very heartwarming.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Such a delightful story for reading on this dreary March morning in Ontario here in Canada as we wait impatiently for spring to come.
I could picture your descriptions of the Irish countryside so well. We went to Ireland in 2017. So beautiful and full of character and history just like your story.
Such well fleshed out characters. The bus driver was depicted so well as was the broken down bus who had a character of its own. So funny when it took revenge. I loved the gentle humour, too. Well done!
Glad that the main character was able to return to his roots to stay. Very heartwarming.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Well thank you Cat. :) Your words of praise are absolutely delightful. Whatever lift my story gave to you I can assure you that your lovely review means twice as much to me. I live in Arizona and am sending you some desert sun.
All the very best
John
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Thanks for that Arizona warmth, John! Much appreciated! I'm sure getting winter weary here in Eastern Ontario! Come on, Spring! Cathy
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Lord,
This is a delightful.story, and very well written. That bus driver sure was having a bad day. LOL Thanks for sharing an enjoyable read. Jan
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Hi Lord,
This is a delightful.story, and very well written. That bus driver sure was having a bad day. LOL Thanks for sharing an enjoyable read. Jan
Comment Written 22-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Thank you Jan. I am delighted you enjoyed my little story. :)
Best
John
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
This is categorised as supernatural fiction.... lol No idea why.
There's a quite pleasing tone to this one, but I felt a little bit dissatisfied come the end as there's very little story here, when looked at closely. The writing is nice, good tone and what not thought.
Few things I noted as I read-
"Yea fecking auld bitch just three miles more and I would have been home in time for me bleedin' tea" - it's more usual to have the punctuation inside the dialogue.
continued to billow from under the hood.- this is purely subjective comment, but 'hood' wouldn't be used here. Bonnet would be much more likely. It's a subjective thing but if I was writing a story set in Ireland or UK, I'd use their terminology rather than Americanise it.
he old bus was done. The driver shook his head in frustration cursing at the doomed old bus. - maybe think about finding an alternative for one of the usages of 'old bus' here. The last one could simply be vehicle.
You may need a mild warning. I'm from Northern Ireland and shite & feckin' would be considered swearing. Lol
A large black crow swooped down and left a gift of warm wet guano. - I believe guano is quite specific to sea birds & birds.
The festering shite slid slowly down the defeated bus drivers reddened face. - driver's. I'm also not sure birdshit slid. It tends to hit hard and splatter - but that's just being pedantic. Lol
There's a couple of shifts in perspective in this. It starts with the author's, shifts to the drivers and then to Michael.
Michael was relieved to escape / Michael kept chuckling to himself / Michael looked around at the coloured / Michael smiled. - four successive paragraphs all start with Michael. Might want to vary this a bit.
Michael looked around at the coloured fields of golds and greens and shimmering yellows. - you could lose 'coloured' here. It's a bit redundant.
"Its not that yellow one is it by the inlet? - It's.
a few small drops of the cratur won't you now?" Said, Dermot, almost pleading. - said, following speech tags are always lower case unless a proper noun or name.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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hi there,
This is categorised as supernatural fiction.... lol No idea why.
There's a quite pleasing tone to this one, but I felt a little bit dissatisfied come the end as there's very little story here, when looked at closely. The writing is nice, good tone and what not thought.
Few things I noted as I read-
"Yea fecking auld bitch just three miles more and I would have been home in time for me bleedin' tea" - it's more usual to have the punctuation inside the dialogue.
continued to billow from under the hood.- this is purely subjective comment, but 'hood' wouldn't be used here. Bonnet would be much more likely. It's a subjective thing but if I was writing a story set in Ireland or UK, I'd use their terminology rather than Americanise it.
he old bus was done. The driver shook his head in frustration cursing at the doomed old bus. - maybe think about finding an alternative for one of the usages of 'old bus' here. The last one could simply be vehicle.
You may need a mild warning. I'm from Northern Ireland and shite & feckin' would be considered swearing. Lol
A large black crow swooped down and left a gift of warm wet guano. - I believe guano is quite specific to sea birds & birds.
The festering shite slid slowly down the defeated bus drivers reddened face. - driver's. I'm also not sure birdshit slid. It tends to hit hard and splatter - but that's just being pedantic. Lol
There's a couple of shifts in perspective in this. It starts with the author's, shifts to the drivers and then to Michael.
Michael was relieved to escape / Michael kept chuckling to himself / Michael looked around at the coloured / Michael smiled. - four successive paragraphs all start with Michael. Might want to vary this a bit.
Michael looked around at the coloured fields of golds and greens and shimmering yellows. - you could lose 'coloured' here. It's a bit redundant.
"Its not that yellow one is it by the inlet? - It's.
a few small drops of the cratur won't you now?" Said, Dermot, almost pleading. - said, following speech tags are always lower case unless a proper noun or name.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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I do appreciate your in depth reviews. You don't think it is supernatural huh? LOL. Well this sure ain't no natural everyday Irish countryside scene. LOL
Many of your points are well taken I made changes based on your comments. I do appreciate your attention to detail.
The hood versus bonnet question did occur when I wrote it. I even thought of using cowling instead but felt that was more suited to aircraft. I could use engine cover I suppose. I chose to go with hood because most readers know what that is. Bonnet might confuse those on this side of the pond. I do hold my hands up though that if it was mentioned in dialogue I would have gone with bonnet. I don't have a bee in mine just not too keen to use that word.
You said there is not much of a story. Well I know it is not exactly "War and Peace" . It is a short and it is about a homecoming and a reconnection to the old sod. I do disagree with you. If I was Buzz Aldrin I would have to say the eagle has landed.
I am very interested in understanding your comment about the shift in perspective: narrator/driver/ Michael. How would you have handled that?
Thanks for a great review.
Best
John
Comment from Maria Millsaps
I really got a good laugh on the description of the dying bus. I could almost see the stubborn bus having the last word, but part of the black crow had me rolling. I love the Irish dialect. Great storytelling, and so descriptive. Wow!
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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I really got a good laugh on the description of the dying bus. I could almost see the stubborn bus having the last word, but part of the black crow had me rolling. I love the Irish dialect. Great storytelling, and so descriptive. Wow!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2019
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Thank you Maria. I loved your review. :) Thank you so much.
Best
John
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
Beautifully descriptive and paints the scenery most vividly. I can hear the Irish lilt in both the narrative and the dialogue; your native tongue, perhaps? The tone of the piece sounds intimate, personal...draws the reader in.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Beautifully descriptive and paints the scenery most vividly. I can hear the Irish lilt in both the narrative and the dialogue; your native tongue, perhaps? The tone of the piece sounds intimate, personal...draws the reader in.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your comments, most appreciated.
Yes I am a native son but grew up outsidr the old sod. Lol
Best
John
Comment from estory
Plenty of personality, Irish personality, in this little piece. The scene setting was nicely done, and we get a good sense of jaunting along in this old bus as it careens around the winding roads. The British comedy unfolds as the bus breaks down and the old driver curses and attacks it with a tree branch, but I can't help but be reminded of an episode in Fawlty Towers where Basil Fawlty does the same thing to his old car on the way back from the restaurant; so not completely original there. It get a little more interesting as Michael meets up with his old friend and some lively chatter ensues. The tragedies of life, the long journeys we sometimes make, are told with some good personality in the lively dialogue. Nice job with the dialect in the dialogue. estory
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Plenty of personality, Irish personality, in this little piece. The scene setting was nicely done, and we get a good sense of jaunting along in this old bus as it careens around the winding roads. The British comedy unfolds as the bus breaks down and the old driver curses and attacks it with a tree branch, but I can't help but be reminded of an episode in Fawlty Towers where Basil Fawlty does the same thing to his old car on the way back from the restaurant; so not completely original there. It get a little more interesting as Michael meets up with his old friend and some lively chatter ensues. The tragedies of life, the long journeys we sometimes make, are told with some good personality in the lively dialogue. Nice job with the dialect in the dialogue. estory
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Thanks Estory. Your point about Fawlty Towers is well taken. Others have pointed it out. I myself recognised it after I had written it. John Cleese's comedy sketch is a classic. However the reaction of the bus driver in a fit of rage was a natural escalation of the drivers mindset. In s final act of madness grabbing the first thing available on the Irish roadside in reaction to the bus trying to blow his head off with a radiator cap. People do crazy things when they are mad. How many times has something like this occurred in real life. I don't know. Was it a creation of John Cleese's imagination or did he pull it from somewhere? Either way His was supported with brilliant dialogue and typical Basil reaction that made it such a classic. I was not rerencing his classic -- the bus driver is no Basil.
In my piece there is bad blood between the abused old bus and the bus driver. Their history is not revealed but its left a mark with the driver who finally has had enough, as has the old bus. It is the last thing Michael see as he looks back chucklling. Was he chuckling at that or maybe he too was reminded of the Fawlty Towers episode.
Just my take. As writers, as a fellow member reminded me, we are like sponges and we do soak up things from our experiences.
This is a great point we are discussing. I wonder what other writers would have to say.
Best
John
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Estory, well my friend your comments and my reply have given me pause.
This is the first time I have had to defend my work. I stubbornly resisted the obvious truth. Readers who are familiar with Fawlty Towers will always be distracted from the work by the reference to the branch beating.
So thank you for helping me do the right thing. I have removed that image from the piece. The truth is looking at the revision it takes nothing away from the story at all.
Best
John
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You just have to come up with a more original scene. You can do it! estory
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It's impossible to avoid influences in writing, in the creative process we reach back to those influences inevitably. I have been heavily influenced by Anderson, Yeats, Cheever and Carver and Joyce in my own writing. But you have to avoid such a direct copy of an image from somewhere else. You need a little different, unique image there. estory
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Well estory, you are right. I felt as if I was being punished and haunted by John Cleese. Lol
I did go back and rework the bus scene. If you care to read it I woulld welcome your comments.
Best
John
Comment from LisaMay
I liked your story very much. I could smell the diesel and the cow shite, and hear the driver cussing. Wonderful descriptions of the toiling old bus. Very evocative of dear old Ireland and a lovely tale of reconnection, but sad it was happening because Karen died. I love the idea of a bright yellow house to remember her by.
Just a few things I noticed:
unexpected blast bade a host of startled birds.... I wonder if "bade" should be "made"?
home in time for my bloody tea.... i wonder if "my" would sound more dialect if it was "me"?
He was now beating the bus unmercifully with an old tree branch.... oh, this is a direct steal from the TV show Fawlty Towers where Basil is thrashing the car.
He straightened up his back... I think "up his back' is unnecessary, as "He straightened" infers it is his back (what else would he straighten?)
They said some yanks had it built.... possibly "yanks" needs a cap Y
the Prodigal son had come home.... possibly "son" should have a cap S
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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I liked your story very much. I could smell the diesel and the cow shite, and hear the driver cussing. Wonderful descriptions of the toiling old bus. Very evocative of dear old Ireland and a lovely tale of reconnection, but sad it was happening because Karen died. I love the idea of a bright yellow house to remember her by.
Just a few things I noticed:
unexpected blast bade a host of startled birds.... I wonder if "bade" should be "made"?
home in time for my bloody tea.... i wonder if "my" would sound more dialect if it was "me"?
He was now beating the bus unmercifully with an old tree branch.... oh, this is a direct steal from the TV show Fawlty Towers where Basil is thrashing the car.
He straightened up his back... I think "up his back' is unnecessary, as "He straightened" infers it is his back (what else would he straighten?)
They said some yanks had it built.... possibly "yanks" needs a cap Y
the Prodigal son had come home.... possibly "son" should have a cap S
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Thanks Lisa for your comments. Very welcome. I shall certainly act on a couple of them. I keep driver says "my" because that is how he speaks. Just take it from me not every Irish person speaks in the ,"me", "ye" etc. LOL
I deliberately chose "bade" not made. This supports the supernatural sense of the piece. There is strange magic at work, just hints -- not in your face.
Direct steal from Fawlty Towers.. no it is definitely not. The character, the driver, is definitely not Basil. He uses none of the dialogue from John Cleese's brilliant comedic sketch where he thrashes his unfortunate car. The driver picking up the branch to beat the old bus is a natural sequence in the events that have unfolded. In his rage if he could have gotten hold of a shotgun he would have emptied that into the old bus instead of reaching for the nearest thing you might find lying on an Irish country lane. A broken branch.
The other grammatical errors you pointed out I shall attend to. :)
Thank you Lisa for taking the time to comment
Best
John
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Hi John, that all makes sense. Yes, about the branch-thrashing, because you already mentioned in the story about the branches being broken off as the bus was passing through. I am pleased he didn't have a gun. I am right off guns at the moment, what with the Christchurch massacre here in NZ.
(I just adore Fawlty Towers and Basil's loss of control is so delicious. I wasn't accusing you of plagiarism, it could've been a reference on purpose as a kind of homage to a classic moment of utter rage.)
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Thank you Lisa for responding.
Rest assured I definitely did not feel any accusatory remarks. I did however want to respondto the Fawlty link. I myself recognised writing it. My mind was in an an Irish country lane but I did laugh afterwards when I read it because it brought Basil immediately to mind. In fact jn response to another reviewer I even used term homage. Maybe that is what Michael is chuckling about. Lol. As a writer creating the stories there will always be certain aspects that are reflected in eother works. I wonder where John Ckeese git rge udea for thrashing the car. I would think it was a unique thought but I wonder did ever witness such zn event. It certainly coukd happen and it may have been repeated across the world in different settings. Lisa you certainly got me thinking. LOL
Thanks again.
John
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I guess there is nothing new under the sun is there. We are all just sponges reading things, looking at things, talking and listening. I know the things I write are made up of fragments stitched together with an inspirational flicker of recognition that it could be useful to explain or show something different. Thanks for engaging in the communication. LM
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Yes Lisa I agree. Thank you. Also should say I feel for New Zealanders right now. That was an awful evil act in Christchurch by that madman whose name should never be spoken or reported. Best john
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Thank you for your comment regarding Chch. It should be apparent to the world by now that our response in NZ is to come together in a spirit of Aroha (Maori word for love, affection, sympathy). We are a peace-loving nation with values of inclusivity and appreciation of diversity. This will make us stronger in our resolve to not have those values undermined by an insane and futile gesture of Islamophobia aiming for division. It is not us. It will not happen. It will not be tolerated (even though we are a very tolerant country!!). I am so proud of the hugely compassionate and speedy response of our dear young Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, a recent mother, showing such statesmanship. We were crying tears of fright, horror and outrage in the days when it first happened. Now we are crying tears of love and support... and probably relief that we NZers are so united. Some of us may not have known it earlier, but it is surely apparent now. It may be a blessing in disguise to make everyone wake up to themselves that violence is never a solution, that love thy neighbour does not have to be a shallow concept for others.
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Well said. Proud of you guys.
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Lisa,
I have reconsidered your comments about Fawlty Towers. I had a review from Estory and he too commented on Fawlty Towers. So I have cut and pasted my reply to him below.
This is the first time I have had to defend my work. I stubbornly resisted the obvious truth. Readers who are familiar with Fawlty Towers will always be distracted from the work by the reference to the branch beating.
So thank you for helping me do the right thing. I have removed that image from the piece. The truth is looking at the revision it takes nothing away from the story at all.
Best
John
Comment from Sanku
I loved it. I generally like to read about one's birthplace or a trip down the memory lane
The first paragraph was classy ."Motorised pest' trundling down the narrow road not sparing the hedges,and the helpless single passenger holding on to his dear life.
The driver's rage was inderstandable and it was funny too
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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I loved it. I generally like to read about one's birthplace or a trip down the memory lane
The first paragraph was classy ."Motorised pest' trundling down the narrow road not sparing the hedges,and the helpless single passenger holding on to his dear life.
The driver's rage was inderstandable and it was funny too
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Wow thank you Sanku. I am very grateful for the six stars. I zm also delighted that you enjoyed this little story.
Best
John
Comment from Mia Twysted
I loved how you gave the bus a life force of its own. I adored and admired the way you described it.
-"abused vehicle"
-"windows that threatened to take leave"
-"response from the bus seemed unreal"
As I think about it now relationships ring out in my head. I didn't see it before, but I do now. It ties it all together. The bus and the driver. The main character and Ireland.
It is as fate is leading this man home.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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I loved how you gave the bus a life force of its own. I adored and admired the way you described it.
-"abused vehicle"
-"windows that threatened to take leave"
-"response from the bus seemed unreal"
As I think about it now relationships ring out in my head. I didn't see it before, but I do now. It ties it all together. The bus and the driver. The main character and Ireland.
It is as fate is leading this man home.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2019
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Thank you Mia. I extremely grateful for the six star award.
I am delighted that you enjoyed this. You are picking up the vibe I have tried to inject into this piece. There are traces of magic that I try to filter in so that the reader gets a sense that there is something special about this place.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments.
Best
John
Comment from dmt1967
He opened the cab door (and) jumped down and kicked sharply against the tire on the front wheel, and instantly regretted it. (,) Makes it more punchy, in my opinion.
This is a very touching and moving story and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
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He opened the cab door (and) jumped down and kicked sharply against the tire on the front wheel, and instantly regretted it. (,) Makes it more punchy, in my opinion.
This is a very touching and moving story and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
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Thank you dmt. I appreciate your comments.
Best
John