Miscellaneous Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "tanka (thunderclouds gather)"Poems not in other books
25 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Brilliant.
There, I have said what I need to say--it's called brevity. For those who insist we fill out a certain number of words in a review. (Sorry but I can't resist. ROFL. It's my mood. Too much of a tempest this morning.)
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Brilliant.
There, I have said what I need to say--it's called brevity. For those who insist we fill out a certain number of words in a review. (Sorry but I can't resist. ROFL. It's my mood. Too much of a tempest this morning.)
Comment Written 26-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Thanks!
(That was my equally brief response, hehe. The full version goes into much more detail regarding the generosity of you rating).
Tempests, begone!
:)
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LOL> :))
Comment from Ulla
Hi Graig. I really liked this tanka, but I will focus on the the third line which serves as the satori (The aha moment to the first two lines) and the pivot line to the last two lines of the tanka. If you take 'may' away you have a true satori line and a great pivot line as well. Good luck in the contest. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Hi Graig. I really liked this tanka, but I will focus on the the third line which serves as the satori (The aha moment to the first two lines) and the pivot line to the last two lines of the tanka. If you take 'may' away you have a true satori line and a great pivot line as well. Good luck in the contest. Ulla:))
Comment Written 26-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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I agree it's stronger without the "may", Ulla, and appreciate the suggestion. Unfortunately, that would change the syllable count, and I have the feeling if it's not strictly 5-7-5-7-7, the committee will chop it. I've played around with a couple of alternatives... like "storms bring disaster", but haven't hit on anything I'm happy with. I'll keep trying :) Cheers, Craig
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What about 'dark storms wreck havoc' or 'strong storms wreck havoc'. Just a thought. :))
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written Tanka about the thunder clouds that gather and we can predict a thunderstorm is heading our way. We can sometimes not see the tempestsidi we create for ourselves.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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A very well-written Tanka about the thunder clouds that gather and we can predict a thunderstorm is heading our way. We can sometimes not see the tempestsidi we create for ourselves.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Most grateful for the kind words, Sandra. Cheers, Craig
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly. Structurally, you deliver a correct line and syllable count. Technically, you meet all of the requirements necessary for a well constructed Tanka:
The first two lines present a concrete image that poses a dilemma to the reader.
The third line offers a clear turn in perspective.
The last two lines provide a solid resolution binding it all together beautifully off the turn.
Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly. Structurally, you deliver a correct line and syllable count. Technically, you meet all of the requirements necessary for a well constructed Tanka:
The first two lines present a concrete image that poses a dilemma to the reader.
The third line offers a clear turn in perspective.
The last two lines provide a solid resolution binding it all together beautifully off the turn.
Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the lovely and detailed comments. I really appreciate the good wishes as well. Cheers, Craig
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I really like both the first and second image. Your pivot line is strong and works well with both images. Tanka don't use capital letters or punctuation so you might want to look at that again. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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I really like both the first and second image. Your pivot line is strong and works well with both images. Tanka don't use capital letters or punctuation so you might want to look at that again. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 26-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Thanks very much, Debbie. I actually checked out a couple of sites, and thought punctuation was acceptable. It seems opinion, as always, is divided. In any case, if the verdict on FS is a "nay", I'm happy to go along with it. Cheers for the tip :) Craig
Comment from Gloria ....
There was just the biggest thunder and lightning storm here the other night. Sheet lightning lit up the entire backyard. It was awesome and the cat dug it too.
Yep this is a well written tanka with all the requisite parts although your pivot line could use a tweak to make it a statement in itself, not a problem.
Best of luck to you with the Contest Committee.
Gloria
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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There was just the biggest thunder and lightning storm here the other night. Sheet lightning lit up the entire backyard. It was awesome and the cat dug it too.
Yep this is a well written tanka with all the requisite parts although your pivot line could use a tweak to make it a statement in itself, not a problem.
Best of luck to you with the Contest Committee.
Gloria
Comment Written 26-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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I'll have a look at that. Thanks so much for the delightful rating and the cool comments, Gloria. Much appreciated, as always. I must have storms on the brain today, just done another one on a similar theme.
Cheers,
Craig
Comment from lyenochka
Well done tanka, Craig. Yes, as much as Nature's tempests are fearsome, the storms of our own making can have much longer lasting effects on hearts. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Well done tanka, Craig. Yes, as much as Nature's tempests are fearsome, the storms of our own making can have much longer lasting effects on hearts. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 25-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Thanks so much, Helen. I appreciate the kind words and good wishes. Craig
Comment from Teri7
Craig, This is a very interesting and well written Tanka poem and the thunder clouds. You used very good descriptive words and very lovely imagery from the art work you chose. Best wishes in the contest! Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2019
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Craig, This is a very interesting and well written Tanka poem and the thunder clouds. You used very good descriptive words and very lovely imagery from the art work you chose. Best wishes in the contest! Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 25-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2019
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Thanks very much, Teri. I appreciate the lovely comments. Craig
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you are so welcome my friend. That was an awesome picture!
Comment from Cindy Warren
That's true. There's no storm that's done half as much damage as humans have. Nature seems to recover from the worst of them, but it doesn't always recover from us. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2019
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That's true. There's no storm that's done half as much damage as humans have. Nature seems to recover from the worst of them, but it doesn't always recover from us. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2019
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Thanks for the good luck wishes and the kind comments. Craig
Comment from juliaSjames
A philosophical tanka. Reminds me of a naani poem. But of course this is written in perfect tanka form with a fine pivot.
Storms of our own making - wars, famine, ghetto crime, political crises ... last much longer than the short-lived natural variety, both in duration and aftereffects.
I enjoyed the expertly crafted meteorological references incorporated into the poem.
Best of luck in the contest.
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2019
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A philosophical tanka. Reminds me of a naani poem. But of course this is written in perfect tanka form with a fine pivot.
Storms of our own making - wars, famine, ghetto crime, political crises ... last much longer than the short-lived natural variety, both in duration and aftereffects.
I enjoyed the expertly crafted meteorological references incorporated into the poem.
Best of luck in the contest.
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 25-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2019
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Thanks, Julia, for the great review. I appreciate the kind comments and good wishes :) Craig
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You're welcome, Craig