Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The soul of a soldier"A book of Poetry & Writing
271 total reviews
Comment from Amicus
This is an interesting poem with some good points...the narrative pov, that of a fallen soldier, is a dramatic choice and the cross of stone image is striking. The poem seems to need work in the areas of formatting, punctuation, diction and grammar however to make it effective poetry. The long rambling lines do not provide coherence or clarity nor do they lend a conversational tone to this monologue. They also minimize the effectiveness of any rhythm or near rhyme that you have created. I would suggest you experiment with various shorter line versions of this free verse prose-like piece to increase poetic elements. Punctuation seems random and needs to be standardized and used to increase clarity. Questions need question marks at their end points. Grammar is tortured in several lines where you misuse the word "for." In line one "for" should be that to make sense of the phrase that follows and in line four "for" should be in. Line six is redundant...ancestors by definition "walked this world before." Line seven needs the word whether inserted between "show" and "the" and finally, I believe the word "resolute" is an adjective not a noun as used here and the appropriate word in this context would be resolve.
With some editing this could be a much more effective poem...good start but needs work.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
   |
This is an interesting poem with some good points...the narrative pov, that of a fallen soldier, is a dramatic choice and the cross of stone image is striking. The poem seems to need work in the areas of formatting, punctuation, diction and grammar however to make it effective poetry. The long rambling lines do not provide coherence or clarity nor do they lend a conversational tone to this monologue. They also minimize the effectiveness of any rhythm or near rhyme that you have created. I would suggest you experiment with various shorter line versions of this free verse prose-like piece to increase poetic elements. Punctuation seems random and needs to be standardized and used to increase clarity. Questions need question marks at their end points. Grammar is tortured in several lines where you misuse the word "for." In line one "for" should be that to make sense of the phrase that follows and in line four "for" should be in. Line six is redundant...ancestors by definition "walked this world before." Line seven needs the word whether inserted between "show" and "the" and finally, I believe the word "resolute" is an adjective not a noun as used here and the appropriate word in this context would be resolve.
With some editing this could be a much more effective poem...good start but needs work.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your comments
Comment from Rama Rao
An excellent poem with which I could empathise, as I am a retired officer of the Armed Forces. It's true the soldiers die so that others can sleep in peace. Your moving poem made fine reading.
However, I found the lines too long without punctuation disturbing the chain of thought. The last two lines were questions and should have a question mark at the end. Some commas needed in the long line.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
An excellent poem with which I could empathise, as I am a retired officer of the Armed Forces. It's true the soldiers die so that others can sleep in peace. Your moving poem made fine reading.
However, I found the lines too long without punctuation disturbing the chain of thought. The last two lines were questions and should have a question mark at the end. Some commas needed in the long line.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thanks for your comments
Comment from LavenderRiverWriter
I love how the story is from the perspective of the fallen soldier! What an impact that makes. I hope many get to read this important piece that you have shared today!!
God Bless You, Lavender
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
I love how the story is from the perspective of the fallen soldier! What an impact that makes. I hope many get to read this important piece that you have shared today!!
God Bless You, Lavender
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for reading
Comment from c_lucas
The extreme sacrafice is wasted if the living does not work as retaining the gains. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
The extreme sacrafice is wasted if the living does not work as retaining the gains. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you
-
You are welcome, DW. Charlie
Comment from honeytree
What amazing words that have been written here. I felt sad,I also felt the love and sacrifice a soldier went through.Dying for freedom and peace. Unfortunately, war still lingers on even today within our world.
Honeytree.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
What amazing words that have been written here. I felt sad,I also felt the love and sacrifice a soldier went through.Dying for freedom and peace. Unfortunately, war still lingers on even today within our world.
Honeytree.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for reading
Comment from Oatmeal
deepwater,
Thoughts are expressed and described very well. You wrote this one from your heart. The flow was smooth. I liked it very much. It made for an enjoyable read. (as long as the Puffs are nearby)
There was no SPAG. No typos. No homophones. No problems at all.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
deepwater,
Thoughts are expressed and described very well. You wrote this one from your heart. The flow was smooth. I liked it very much. It made for an enjoyable read. (as long as the Puffs are nearby)
There was no SPAG. No typos. No homophones. No problems at all.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thanks Oatmeal
Comment from Ash Madox
I had to explore more of your work after the last poem. This is another worthy one. It imparts the real thought that, whether or not we agree with wars, or which facility ignites them, men, women and even children die to protect the choices of others. It was well thought out and promoted intelligent thinking patterns. I especially liked this line:
Dare we call from beneath this cross of stone
I had a little trouble with a couple of lines, though:
only then can you measure our worth and (resolute) against
I think perhaps you might have been after "resolve" to express the thought?
I felt this next one needed a comma or semi colon for the pause in one section to keep the flow smooth:
Can we rest from the toils of battle at peace with the understanding that history will show the distinguished who have fallen[,] will live on in the hearts and actions of men who
Just a suggestion because it could just be me? Overall this was a very good poem in what you wanted to express. I enjoy your writing. Ash.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
I had to explore more of your work after the last poem. This is another worthy one. It imparts the real thought that, whether or not we agree with wars, or which facility ignites them, men, women and even children die to protect the choices of others. It was well thought out and promoted intelligent thinking patterns. I especially liked this line:
Dare we call from beneath this cross of stone
I had a little trouble with a couple of lines, though:
only then can you measure our worth and (resolute) against
I think perhaps you might have been after "resolve" to express the thought?
I felt this next one needed a comma or semi colon for the pause in one section to keep the flow smooth:
Can we rest from the toils of battle at peace with the understanding that history will show the distinguished who have fallen[,] will live on in the hearts and actions of men who
Just a suggestion because it could just be me? Overall this was a very good poem in what you wanted to express. I enjoy your writing. Ash.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you
Comment from bard owl
I find it very frustrating that we treat both veterans and the memories of their accomplishments in sustaining peace as if they were of little worth. We owe our freedoms to those brave men. Your posting is a haunting reminder of those lion hearts. Excellent write. Very thoughtful. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
I find it very frustrating that we treat both veterans and the memories of their accomplishments in sustaining peace as if they were of little worth. We owe our freedoms to those brave men. Your posting is a haunting reminder of those lion hearts. Excellent write. Very thoughtful. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you
Comment from fictionwriter
Unfortunately, too many these day forget why our men and women are out there. They weren't touched in a personal way by 9/11, and don't understand the rest of us fighting to make sure it doesn't happen again. Great job.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
Unfortunately, too many these day forget why our men and women are out there. They weren't touched in a personal way by 9/11, and don't understand the rest of us fighting to make sure it doesn't happen again. Great job.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you
Comment from Ragnar
Excellent read...The question at the end was very appropriate, but I believe a question mark is needed in there somewhere.
I didn't ding you for such a small error-this old soldier appreciates the effort
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
|
Excellent read...The question at the end was very appropriate, but I believe a question mark is needed in there somewhere.
I didn't ding you for such a small error-this old soldier appreciates the effort
Comment Written 26-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
-
Thank you