The Last Hunt
Lioness hunts Zebra21 total reviews
Comment from Patricia Cammish
This is an excellent idea for a flash fiction story and your narrative develops well.
I'm afraid that the idea of the thundering hooves of zebra racing to new grazing places seems unlikely, unless they were already being chased and they were fleeing. Describing the lioness listening for vibrations/ rumour/murmur/rustle of migrating herds would be more believable.
I know this contest has has an 'exact' word count but I feel you have some loose areas of 'lazy' words ie. they don't tell us as much as one much more powerful word. eg 'weaklings' for 'especially weak animals' or 'straggler' for 'small calf trying to keep up'.
'Again she broke through' Is she trying to break through the herd, or is she trying to capture one animal?
How about, 'Again she pounced' ?
You are writing about a tense situation and I think some trimming would be suited to your subject. You then also free up words to increase the succinctness of your narrative.
I like the concept . Good luck in the contest
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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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This is an excellent idea for a flash fiction story and your narrative develops well.
I'm afraid that the idea of the thundering hooves of zebra racing to new grazing places seems unlikely, unless they were already being chased and they were fleeing. Describing the lioness listening for vibrations/ rumour/murmur/rustle of migrating herds would be more believable.
I know this contest has has an 'exact' word count but I feel you have some loose areas of 'lazy' words ie. they don't tell us as much as one much more powerful word. eg 'weaklings' for 'especially weak animals' or 'straggler' for 'small calf trying to keep up'.
'Again she broke through' Is she trying to break through the herd, or is she trying to capture one animal?
How about, 'Again she pounced' ?
You are writing about a tense situation and I think some trimming would be suited to your subject. You then also free up words to increase the succinctness of your narrative.
I like the concept . Good luck in the contest
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Hello Patricia, I appreciate your reading and comments. However, I would have to re write the whole script to answer your edits. When I said 'she broke through' I leave it to the reader to know what is happening. Blessings from Australia - Kay.