The Visit
Two young children visit their mother37 total reviews
Comment from Tom Horonzy
The imagery is not only felt but see. Brother and sister hand in hand, and the memorial park, quiet and serene, with mother having a premium spot selected. They both seemed pleased.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
  |
The imagery is not only felt but see. Brother and sister hand in hand, and the memorial park, quiet and serene, with mother having a premium spot selected. They both seemed pleased.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank You!
Comment from catherine Jones2
It is difficult to write a story in 100 words. This author has managed to flesh out the characters, using the children walking "hand in hand" (One pictures quite young children) and the dialogue" I just know she loves it" (once again, the children seem quite young).
The slate pathway and the rose bushes were a deft touch I thought.
I would really like to see what happens with this story if some of the unnecessary words are left out. Could we know more about Leah and Logan? Why haven't they been here for a year for instance. Why does the Mother "love it'?
This could be part of a much longer story, it has the makings of one I think. Thank you for sharing it...it was good to read
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
It is difficult to write a story in 100 words. This author has managed to flesh out the characters, using the children walking "hand in hand" (One pictures quite young children) and the dialogue" I just know she loves it" (once again, the children seem quite young).
The slate pathway and the rose bushes were a deft touch I thought.
I would really like to see what happens with this story if some of the unnecessary words are left out. Could we know more about Leah and Logan? Why haven't they been here for a year for instance. Why does the Mother "love it'?
This could be part of a much longer story, it has the makings of one I think. Thank you for sharing it...it was good to read
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
A lot of suppressed emotion can be felt in this story. For example it is telling that Logan says it has been over a year, and also that the two children hold hands. Well-executed.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
A lot of suppressed emotion can be felt in this story. For example it is telling that Logan says it has been over a year, and also that the two children hold hands. Well-executed.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A sad story as these guys are going to visit their Mother who has passed away and you lead us to believe she was alive, a sad write and an entertaining post, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
A sad story as these guys are going to visit their Mother who has passed away and you lead us to believe she was alive, a sad write and an entertaining post, love Dolly x
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you.
Comment from amahra
Oh, that was so sad. At first, I thought she was in the hospital--the children sounded so cheerful. You did a great job writing in such a way that I was surprised at the end. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
Oh, that was so sad. At first, I thought she was in the hospital--the children sounded so cheerful. You did a great job writing in such a way that I was surprised at the end. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you!
Comment from nomi338
If the child can handle it, I think that visiting the grave of a deceased parent can be a wonderful way to gain closure. The visit should be as normal as possible, no tears, or sad faces. Keep it bright and happy as much as is possible.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
If the child can handle it, I think that visiting the grave of a deceased parent can be a wonderful way to gain closure. The visit should be as normal as possible, no tears, or sad faces. Keep it bright and happy as much as is possible.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Very nicely told. I really got into this from the beginning and became totally engaged. I think you met the criteria with a plomb. Most enjoyable to find the two hand-in-hand going to the gravesite. Giddy
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
 |
Very nicely told. I really got into this from the beginning and became totally engaged. I think you met the criteria with a plomb. Most enjoyable to find the two hand-in-hand going to the gravesite. Giddy
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank You!!!
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
You did a good Kobe with the prompt. This is one of my favorite genres to read and write.
I would consider adding an image or photo, as it would add dimension to the story.
The ending was a little predictable.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
 |
You did a good Kobe with the prompt. This is one of my favorite genres to read and write.
I would consider adding an image or photo, as it would add dimension to the story.
The ending was a little predictable.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you.
Comment from John Ciarmello
this is exceptional! You left the reveal until the very last. It was an unexpected surprise and an excellent twist. Nice job! I wish you much success with the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
this is exceptional! You left the reveal until the very last. It was an unexpected surprise and an excellent twist. Nice job! I wish you much success with the contest.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank You!
Comment from inksam
A beautiful, sad story, told from the heart. It makes me what to know what their lives were like before... when love lived & loved them. May God continue to bless you & your writing.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
|
A beautiful, sad story, told from the heart. It makes me what to know what their lives were like before... when love lived & loved them. May God continue to bless you & your writing.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you!!
-
You're welcome.