Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Part two, Chapter 10"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
88 total reviews
Comment from healfromwithin
I might suggest some kind of outburst from Bobby's mom (when she was removed from the courtroom.) She seems the perfect type to bring drama into the chapter.
Back at the table Paul(, move comma) turned toward Anna (I was confused here-isn't Anna the mother of the boy, and Paul her attorney?) Why is he telling Anna-his client-the boy's mom-"My client..."
I'm not sure that the visitation/custody issue belongs in criminal court. These issues are addressed in family court, in a different venue. The domestic violence(in Hawaii called abuse of a household member) is a criminal charge, although it is handled in family court as well.
Judges will not hear side issues in cases during a trial or hearing (constitutional rights.) They may consider them upon assigning sentence (if the jail/prison is local or out of state, for example.)
I didn't find any major SPAGs to note.
All-in-all, good work. Keep going.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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I might suggest some kind of outburst from Bobby's mom (when she was removed from the courtroom.) She seems the perfect type to bring drama into the chapter.
Back at the table Paul(, move comma) turned toward Anna (I was confused here-isn't Anna the mother of the boy, and Paul her attorney?) Why is he telling Anna-his client-the boy's mom-"My client..."
I'm not sure that the visitation/custody issue belongs in criminal court. These issues are addressed in family court, in a different venue. The domestic violence(in Hawaii called abuse of a household member) is a criminal charge, although it is handled in family court as well.
Judges will not hear side issues in cases during a trial or hearing (constitutional rights.) They may consider them upon assigning sentence (if the jail/prison is local or out of state, for example.)
I didn't find any major SPAGs to note.
All-in-all, good work. Keep going.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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This divorce trial took place in family court. Thank you for the kind review.
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Right. As I said, they do. BUT in a criminal trial (even if held in family court for domestic abuse) the divorce/custody/visitation/alimony, etc. will not be considered during a criminal case. That is a seperate issue for a different setting. I have gone through 2 divorces and criminal cases, so I have some inside knowledge of this (unfortunately).
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It's NOT a criminal trial. It's a divorce trial.
Comment from me_tudor
Another great chapter to this story. Every time I read a part of this I think of people that I know who've gone through this. It is so hard. I'm so glad you are writing about it.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Another great chapter to this story. Every time I read a part of this I think of people that I know who've gone through this. It is so hard. I'm so glad you are writing about it.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and insight.
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
Not too long. The court house jargon and procedures are well depicted and easy to follow..to break the flow of that would have been a shame.
The dialogue is informative and feels natural.
Bobby appears to be supremely arrogant, admitting to atrocities without pause, dressing it up as 'disciplining', a truly despicable human being.
One tiny thing to think on...would this read better as one sentence, no comma, no period after 'whore'?
"Anna, you're nothing but a whore. Bobby married in a moment of weakness.
Good flow, easy to read. A really good chapter.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Not too long. The court house jargon and procedures are well depicted and easy to follow..to break the flow of that would have been a shame.
The dialogue is informative and feels natural.
Bobby appears to be supremely arrogant, admitting to atrocities without pause, dressing it up as 'disciplining', a truly despicable human being.
One tiny thing to think on...would this read better as one sentence, no comma, no period after 'whore'?
"Anna, you're nothing but a whore. Bobby married in a moment of weakness.
Good flow, easy to read. A really good chapter.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and I will check that out. I orginally had a comma there.
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hmm, unless you insert 'that'?
Good luck with the struggle, it is always worth it in the end!
Comment from robyn corum
I didn't see anything wrong with this piece. Looked great; read great. You are doing a wonderful job exposing the underbelly of this world to those of us who are clueless. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, with an alcholic father who was abusive, but you're showing a side I had not seen - this legal side. Thanks!
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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I didn't see anything wrong with this piece. Looked great; read great. You are doing a wonderful job exposing the underbelly of this world to those of us who are clueless. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, with an alcholic father who was abusive, but you're showing a side I had not seen - this legal side. Thanks!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rudion
Excellent piece. The story remains compelling for many reasons but especially for the light it shines upon domestic violence - a much needed illumination. Your notes are excellent as well.
My only 'minor' critique is "She's weak and never stops his bawling." A little confusing . . . Could "She's weak - she never stops him from bawling" work?
Otherwise just a wonderful piece.
Rudion
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Excellent piece. The story remains compelling for many reasons but especially for the light it shines upon domestic violence - a much needed illumination. Your notes are excellent as well.
My only 'minor' critique is "She's weak and never stops his bawling." A little confusing . . . Could "She's weak - she never stops him from bawling" work?
Otherwise just a wonderful piece.
Rudion
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
How long was this, that you apologized? It flew by and I had hoped for more. You've written a clear, concise scene depicting the court proceedings with a no-nonsense judge and a defense council who knows he has nothing. Mrs. Rodgers will be a problem forever. Well done, Barbara. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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How long was this, that you apologized? It flew by and I had hoped for more. You've written a clear, concise scene depicting the court proceedings with a no-nonsense judge and a defense council who knows he has nothing. Mrs. Rodgers will be a problem forever. Well done, Barbara. :) Nancy
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Adri7enne
Her ex-husband comes off as a narcisistic thug. I guess that was the intent. All the courtroom jargon is sort of lost on me, but you did get a good character depiction of Eric in there with his testimony.
Maybe you should consider a changing title with every chapter, barbara. There's no way to tell if you've read it or not from looking at the front page - same picture, just a changing number. Who remembers what number chapter you're at? I think it's a dissadvantage to you. With a changing chapter title, we could tell at a glance if we had read this one or not. Just a thought.
Well done, nonetheless.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Her ex-husband comes off as a narcisistic thug. I guess that was the intent. All the courtroom jargon is sort of lost on me, but you did get a good character depiction of Eric in there with his testimony.
Maybe you should consider a changing title with every chapter, barbara. There's no way to tell if you've read it or not from looking at the front page - same picture, just a changing number. Who remembers what number chapter you're at? I think it's a dissadvantage to you. With a changing chapter title, we could tell at a glance if we had read this one or not. Just a thought.
Well done, nonetheless.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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I usually only post once a week and I number my chapter so when I go back to my manuscriptions I can make the necessary corrections.
Comment from dbmccarter
This is very interesting. I didn't know there was so much involved in some divorce and custody cases. The personality of the husband is coming through and I assume that is pretty much what a lot of abusive husbands are liked.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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This is very interesting. I didn't know there was so much involved in some divorce and custody cases. The personality of the husband is coming through and I assume that is pretty much what a lot of abusive husbands are liked.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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Thank you for the kind review,
Comment from nor84
Hi, Barbara. You caught me in a reviewing mood when I should be writing.
Monday morning, Anna tried on four dresses before she settled on a solid brown gored skirt and a beige crocheted lace yoke short sleeved sweater.>>>I suggest tightening that bit, because as a reader, I'm interested in what the morning will bring, not how she's dressed.
Anna put the phone in her purse, before she lifted Michael.>>>to avoid repeating "Anna", I'd just say: She put hte phone in her purse before she lifted Michael.>>>no comma needed
It wasn't long before the intercom rang and Paul's voice was heard>>>voice was heard is passive voice. She heard Paul's voice would be active. To avoid repeating 'Anna', he could just say 'Hello?'--Your choice, but 'Anna' is in this chapter four times in the first half-page.
Same caution goes for 'Michael' and 'Paul'. Name repeats become jarring, but the writer doesn't usually notice them the way a reader does. Michael could be 'the baby' or 'my son' from time-to-time.
You may begin with your first witness.">>>don't judges usually say, "You may call your first witness?"
Paul began with (the)police officers[,] who were first on the scene >>>bracket comma not needed.
After Bobby was sworn in, Eric asked his first question(.)>>>it's not a speech tag, it's a statement.
The kid's babysitter called and said he was sick and needed to be picked up. She >>>that pronoun refers back to the last person named, which would be the baby sitter. He needs to identify 'she'.
but doctors are wrong, because they want more money>>>this needs to be past tense like the rest of the paragraph.
"I would like to petition the court against the Minute Entry Ruling in favor of a judge (judicial)ruling.
"I'll have my decision Wednesday." >>>Usually, he'd say. "I'll take the matter under advisement and you should have my decision Wednesday."
Barbara, I recommend you address those name repeats, especially if the other chapters have this many. I counted 'Anna' approximately 16 times in this short piece, with similar repeats for 'Paul'.
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reply by the author on 24-Sep-2011
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Hi, Barbara. You caught me in a reviewing mood when I should be writing.
Monday morning, Anna tried on four dresses before she settled on a solid brown gored skirt and a beige crocheted lace yoke short sleeved sweater.>>>I suggest tightening that bit, because as a reader, I'm interested in what the morning will bring, not how she's dressed.
Anna put the phone in her purse, before she lifted Michael.>>>to avoid repeating "Anna", I'd just say: She put hte phone in her purse before she lifted Michael.>>>no comma needed
It wasn't long before the intercom rang and Paul's voice was heard>>>voice was heard is passive voice. She heard Paul's voice would be active. To avoid repeating 'Anna', he could just say 'Hello?'--Your choice, but 'Anna' is in this chapter four times in the first half-page.
Same caution goes for 'Michael' and 'Paul'. Name repeats become jarring, but the writer doesn't usually notice them the way a reader does. Michael could be 'the baby' or 'my son' from time-to-time.
You may begin with your first witness.">>>don't judges usually say, "You may call your first witness?"
Paul began with (the)police officers[,] who were first on the scene >>>bracket comma not needed.
After Bobby was sworn in, Eric asked his first question(.)>>>it's not a speech tag, it's a statement.
The kid's babysitter called and said he was sick and needed to be picked up. She >>>that pronoun refers back to the last person named, which would be the baby sitter. He needs to identify 'she'.
but doctors are wrong, because they want more money>>>this needs to be past tense like the rest of the paragraph.
"I would like to petition the court against the Minute Entry Ruling in favor of a judge (judicial)ruling.
"I'll have my decision Wednesday." >>>Usually, he'd say. "I'll take the matter under advisement and you should have my decision Wednesday."
Barbara, I recommend you address those name repeats, especially if the other chapters have this many. I counted 'Anna' approximately 16 times in this short piece, with similar repeats for 'Paul'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2011
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I put the description of the dress in here because I got tired of getting gigged by reviewers who said they wanted to know things like what they were wearing and about the weather. It's normally not my style, but I tried it and still got gigged. I will go back to my style. I made a hard copy so I can make the corrections. I didn't answser this review because I wanted time to make the corrections. I didn't during the week.
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Good for you! I'm editing something now that makes me cringe. It's a romantic suspense, but there's more description of women's clothing and restaurants and good than there is suspense. A little of that is usually enough. And you can't satisfy everyone. Some people just don't want to imagine so they want the details. Some want to use their imagination. King once said, "The reader just wants to get on with it," and I think he's right. For the writer, it's a constant battle between too much description, which stops the story, and too little.
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I made the correction and am working on the names. I tried, with a different novel for the quality seal and was told not to use so many pronouns, so I quit using them and used the names more, now I guess I am going too far on that side.
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Yep, it takes a balance between name pronoun AND you can often make something else the subject of the sentence. Instead of something like: she thought the steak was excellent, just say: The steak was excellent. Provided, of course, that you're in her point of view and it's clearly she who tasted that darn steak. Look for ways to do something like this.
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I will do it.
Comment from writerwish
Excellent as usual and great narrative in court. Mrs Rogers personality was well depicted. Paul's protective nature stood out. And of course. Bobby might as well hung himself. But laws for DV are often too lenient.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
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Excellent as usual and great narrative in court. Mrs Rogers personality was well depicted. Paul's protective nature stood out. And of course. Bobby might as well hung himself. But laws for DV are often too lenient.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
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Thank you for the kind review,