Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 58 "part one, Chapter 18"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
70 total reviews
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hello Barbara. I was happy to see you had another outstanding chapter posted. Great job on this one as usual. You definitely have a talent for great story development with all the components necessary for holding the readers interest. Great dialogue and no spag that I could spot. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading your next submission...Tim
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Hello Barbara. I was happy to see you had another outstanding chapter posted. Great job on this one as usual. You definitely have a talent for great story development with all the components necessary for holding the readers interest. Great dialogue and no spag that I could spot. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading your next submission...Tim
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
A very well-written piece. Deserves top rating, but for a few small, easily corrected flaws and possible inconsistencies. The most glaring that I found were...
"Nancy, I don't know when I'll return."
Maybe I'm just being nit-picky here, but wouldn't it sound more authentic if he said, "I don't know when I'll be back"...?
"Troy stepped on the gas, leaving the truck behind."
This makes no sense to anyone who's familiar with motorcycles. Nobody ''steps on the gas" on a motorcycle. There's nowhere to "step" as the gas is regulated by a HAND throttle on the right.
The proper description would be something like, "Troy opened the throttle and sped ahead of the truck."
Also, maybe I'm missing something here, but I noticed that he noted the license number of the truck, but how did he do that? It would be really hard to do so from a motorcycle's rear view mirror while speeding ahead as you described. And as far as I can determine, he only could have done so accurately in the next action sentence... "While he waited, he bought a soda and stared at the truck through the window" -- BUT that only happens AFTER he claims to have noted the license number.
These are small, but significant inconsistencies and should probably be straightened out to give this piece more credibility.
Other than that, the writing is great and the dialogue super realistic. Good pacing and very exciting.
Hope these comments are helpful to you in your crafting of a wonderful piece of work.
Keep going and good luck!
Cheers!
js
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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A very well-written piece. Deserves top rating, but for a few small, easily corrected flaws and possible inconsistencies. The most glaring that I found were...
"Nancy, I don't know when I'll return."
Maybe I'm just being nit-picky here, but wouldn't it sound more authentic if he said, "I don't know when I'll be back"...?
"Troy stepped on the gas, leaving the truck behind."
This makes no sense to anyone who's familiar with motorcycles. Nobody ''steps on the gas" on a motorcycle. There's nowhere to "step" as the gas is regulated by a HAND throttle on the right.
The proper description would be something like, "Troy opened the throttle and sped ahead of the truck."
Also, maybe I'm missing something here, but I noticed that he noted the license number of the truck, but how did he do that? It would be really hard to do so from a motorcycle's rear view mirror while speeding ahead as you described. And as far as I can determine, he only could have done so accurately in the next action sentence... "While he waited, he bought a soda and stared at the truck through the window" -- BUT that only happens AFTER he claims to have noted the license number.
These are small, but significant inconsistencies and should probably be straightened out to give this piece more credibility.
Other than that, the writing is great and the dialogue super realistic. Good pacing and very exciting.
Hope these comments are helpful to you in your crafting of a wonderful piece of work.
Keep going and good luck!
Cheers!
js
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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I will get on those corrections. I actually knew the one about the motorcycle. I just spaced out. I am not familar with Harley's but one of my son's ride one and I was texting him to get it realistic. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
What a incredible chapter! So fast-moving chapter,
with such a lot of detail on what's going on..
Describing the scene perfectly and the dialogues so realistic.
GREAT JOB BARBARA!!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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What a incredible chapter! So fast-moving chapter,
with such a lot of detail on what's going on..
Describing the scene perfectly and the dialogues so realistic.
GREAT JOB BARBARA!!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Oatmeal
barbara.wilkey,
My home number used to be used by the ladies here who had problems in their past or problems now. We talked a lot and before the call had ended we would have shared some laughter.
The chapter was well written. The story line made sense. The characters seemed true to life and the conversations flowed well.
there were no problems that I could see.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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barbara.wilkey,
My home number used to be used by the ladies here who had problems in their past or problems now. We talked a lot and before the call had ended we would have shared some laughter.
The chapter was well written. The story line made sense. The characters seemed true to life and the conversations flowed well.
there were no problems that I could see.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Leen1
This is such a wonderfully written story. Each time a chapter appears I race to read it. It certainly brings attention to the serious matter of domestic violence how it affects everyone. Great piece, marvelous writing ,great subject matter.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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This is such a wonderfully written story. Each time a chapter appears I race to read it. It certainly brings attention to the serious matter of domestic violence how it affects everyone. Great piece, marvelous writing ,great subject matter.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
So Bobby is out of jail. That explains a lot. I wondered who had attacked Anna and told her, "Your brat'll be fine," as he shoved her inside. What a terrible father he makes.
I hope that the sound of something breaking came from something Anna hit her attacker with. If Anna recovers from this attack, I doubt that she will ever have to fear Bobby or his friends again.Now I want to know what happens nextt.
This is the action I have been waiting for and I'm not dissappointed.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Hi Barbara:)
So Bobby is out of jail. That explains a lot. I wondered who had attacked Anna and told her, "Your brat'll be fine," as he shoved her inside. What a terrible father he makes.
I hope that the sound of something breaking came from something Anna hit her attacker with. If Anna recovers from this attack, I doubt that she will ever have to fear Bobby or his friends again.Now I want to know what happens nextt.
This is the action I have been waiting for and I'm not dissappointed.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is another good chapter. The storyline and characters remain consistent and the dialogue flows at a good pace and carries the story
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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This is another good chapter. The storyline and characters remain consistent and the dialogue flows at a good pace and carries the story
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Connie P
My heart is in my throat. That crazy has Anna and the only reason he'd lock the baby outside is if he planned to kill her or torture her. I wanted to give this a six, but I've apparently given you my limit lately.
Connie
*The Rodger family is getting too dangerous *(Rodgers?)
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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My heart is in my throat. That crazy has Anna and the only reason he'd lock the baby outside is if he planned to kill her or torture her. I wanted to give this a six, but I've apparently given you my limit lately.
Connie
*The Rodger family is getting too dangerous *(Rodgers?)
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review. Darn I corrected that line then forgot the s. I'll get right on it.
Comment from bookishfabler
Wow, this is a great chapter, full of excitment and a bit of mystery for me. I think I have to go back. I've been away for a week. I saw no nits or spags but it may be I was too obsorbed. Great job.
hugs HEidi
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Wow, this is a great chapter, full of excitment and a bit of mystery for me. I think I have to go back. I've been away for a week. I saw no nits or spags but it may be I was too obsorbed. Great job.
hugs HEidi
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Cynthia Tee
I just hope he does not kill her the bugger! Sorry, but this truly does bring back such a lot of bad memories from my past. Don't worry...not your fault. This chapter is action-packed and filled with suspense..now I have to wait for the next one! You truly deserve all six. Take care. Luv, Cynthia
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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I just hope he does not kill her the bugger! Sorry, but this truly does bring back such a lot of bad memories from my past. Don't worry...not your fault. This chapter is action-packed and filled with suspense..now I have to wait for the next one! You truly deserve all six. Take care. Luv, Cynthia
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and support.