Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Nagi Moon"Murder Mystery
42 total reviews
Comment from Adri7enne
Good chapter, Bev. You're sort of creeping me out. Gave me chills in more than one place.
That bit about the psychopath! Brr!
Little nits: "There's no ON in here but you and me." ONE - typo.
"...which you have requested TO BE conducted in your home; the rectory of..." I think you might just use a comma, instead of a colon. Also, I think "requested BE conducted..." I would leave out 'TO"
I got a little confused at the beginning of the chapter because you called the Sherrif, Derek, the detective, Sherrif Olesen. I thought there were several people there. LOL!
The plot is getting a bit sticky with a pedophile Monseignor and a dark ghostly priest. Good tension build up. Well done, Bev.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Good chapter, Bev. You're sort of creeping me out. Gave me chills in more than one place.
That bit about the psychopath! Brr!
Little nits: "There's no ON in here but you and me." ONE - typo.
"...which you have requested TO BE conducted in your home; the rectory of..." I think you might just use a comma, instead of a colon. Also, I think "requested BE conducted..." I would leave out 'TO"
I got a little confused at the beginning of the chapter because you called the Sherrif, Derek, the detective, Sherrif Olesen. I thought there were several people there. LOL!
The plot is getting a bit sticky with a pedophile Monseignor and a dark ghostly priest. Good tension build up. Well done, Bev.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Hi, Adrienne. Thank you so much for your thorough and excellent review! I've changed per your astute recommendations. I always struggle with using a person's name too much and how it makes a piece look amateur. But confusion, the alternative, is not a good thing either LOL. Sure appreciate the support, my friend.
Warmest regards, Bev
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I never worry about using a person's name too much. I do replace it with "he" or 'she" when I feel it's pretty clear. No one ever points it out as repetitive.
Good to read you, Bev.
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Thanks for the advice, Adrienne. I think maybe it's parly my own prejudice. Good to read you, too!!
Bev
Comment from jjstar
Wow! What an excellent chapter.
The build up to the ending was superb, everything was superb. I don't know what else to say!
I'm not buying it, Padre. But I'll let it slide for now.===great aside...
Derek finger-combed his brushcut, exposing an irregular, angry scar along the underside of his forearm==wow==excellent
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Wow! What an excellent chapter.
The build up to the ending was superb, everything was superb. I don't know what else to say!
I'm not buying it, Padre. But I'll let it slide for now.===great aside...
Derek finger-combed his brushcut, exposing an irregular, angry scar along the underside of his forearm==wow==excellent
Comment Written 02-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much, JJ. I am thrilled you are enjoying the story and so appreciate your supportive insights. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where another piece of the puzzle may be connecting. i enjoyed reading it....
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where another piece of the puzzle may be connecting. i enjoyed reading it....
Comment Written 02-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Thank you much, sweet. I really appreciate your generous support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
I'm so glad to see this story continue. I've been waiting for more, it's so good. Would make a great movie. I hope you are doing better after the death of your sister. She was so young. I'm so sorry. My younger sister is battling ovarian cancer. Has been for 4years non stop. It's horrible, but she keeps beating it, thank the Lord, but it's so hard. Thanks again for the great story.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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I'm so glad to see this story continue. I've been waiting for more, it's so good. Would make a great movie. I hope you are doing better after the death of your sister. She was so young. I'm so sorry. My younger sister is battling ovarian cancer. Has been for 4years non stop. It's horrible, but she keeps beating it, thank the Lord, but it's so hard. Thanks again for the great story.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Hi, Roxanna. Thank you for your great review. It's great to know you are enjoying the story.
I'm doing a little bit better this week. Thank you so much for asking. And I pray you have your sister with you for a long, long time.
Blessings, Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Wow, you are killing me! Write faster, would you? (LOL) Another absolutely compelling chapter that has me on the edge of my seat! Your characters are so real, and your dialogue is so authentic, I want to butt into the conversation with my own comments and questions!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Wow, you are killing me! Write faster, would you? (LOL) Another absolutely compelling chapter that has me on the edge of my seat! Your characters are so real, and your dialogue is so authentic, I want to butt into the conversation with my own comments and questions!
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Dawn, what a great review! I love what you say here. Thank you, my friend, for your continued support and interest. Means so very much! Hugs, Bev
Comment from kleck140
You kept me in suspense to the end.I am too new to really
give you a good critique, but I did print it out to re-read
it again and learn from your descriptive writing. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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You kept me in suspense to the end.I am too new to really
give you a good critique, but I did print it out to re-read
it again and learn from your descriptive writing. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much, K, for this lovely review. I really appreciate you taking time to read the chapter, and your words of support!
Hugs, Bev
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Thanks for your quick reply!
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You're very welcome!
Comment from barkingdog
That fifteen foot drop-off to a concrete slab from the locked double doors gave me the shivers. (I'm still wondering what was missing,stairs perhaps. Anyway, that was really strange.) Especially after the sheriff just saw a figure in the room.
Then the tension between Derek and Brian built with taping each other. Derek's telling reaction: Derek's eyes were like two blue marbles set atop molten mounds.
I found that an interesting response to Brian's non-verbal vein spasm in his right temple.
[Top notch writing with both of those lines]
From the mysterious 'ghost' in the beginning to the ghost of the past(the deceased child molester priest, Flaherty) you have given us much to think about.
And how do Padget and Eisner fit into the Flaherty crimes?
Is the murderer one of the priest's child victims and he killed her because he knew that she knew about the molestations and did nothing to stop them?
Really great chapter. Well written and I didn't see any SPAGS.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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That fifteen foot drop-off to a concrete slab from the locked double doors gave me the shivers. (I'm still wondering what was missing,stairs perhaps. Anyway, that was really strange.) Especially after the sheriff just saw a figure in the room.
Then the tension between Derek and Brian built with taping each other. Derek's telling reaction: Derek's eyes were like two blue marbles set atop molten mounds.
I found that an interesting response to Brian's non-verbal vein spasm in his right temple.
[Top notch writing with both of those lines]
From the mysterious 'ghost' in the beginning to the ghost of the past(the deceased child molester priest, Flaherty) you have given us much to think about.
And how do Padget and Eisner fit into the Flaherty crimes?
Is the murderer one of the priest's child victims and he killed her because he knew that she knew about the molestations and did nothing to stop them?
Really great chapter. Well written and I didn't see any SPAGS.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Hi, Ellen. Thank you so much for this very generous and warmly supportive review. I've trimmed a little based on a couple of reviews. And I think your point about the drop may need some explanation. So, I really appreciate that and will give it a fresh look tomorrow.
This was more of a psychological duel with more active chapters to follow. BTW, you have really good instincts LOL.
Hugs, Bev
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I like the drop. Maybe, some one could die or did die there. LOL. So, I read a trimmed version? Yes, I did get that it was a psychological duel and will enjoy more of the same.
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Okay, I'll just let that be. One reviewer remarked there wasn't much action. That's why I mentioned the psychological part. Thanks again, buddy. Xx Bev
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What do they expect! Each post which is really often chapters cut to suit the site, can't be ACTION. You have to lay ground for the upcoming frickin' action. LOL Foreshadowing is what I see with the steps. It left an impression which I'll not forget and if you pick it up later it will flash back to this what you covered in this chapter. The steps could be important. Your characters know why. LOL
Comment from Gungalo
Oh ... what if they did? It would make all the difference in the world right now, wouldn't it? I guess now they will have something else to consider.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Oh ... what if they did? It would make all the difference in the world right now, wouldn't it? I guess now they will have something else to consider.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much, Gungalo. I appreciate the generous review and support. Warm regards, Bev
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Thanks so much Bev.
Comment from writerwish
This was both exciting and enjoyable to read with such interest. I havent caught up on all of this, but I understood it. Only thing I questioned was a bit too much description in this phrase cause it was in the middle of such action. Flows well. Great job.
moving with sleek stealth toward the two sets of French doors that flanked the fireplace, while keeping an eye on a corner closet. The doors appeared to be made of prime-grade oak and were a foot taller than their modern counterparts
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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This was both exciting and enjoyable to read with such interest. I havent caught up on all of this, but I understood it. Only thing I questioned was a bit too much description in this phrase cause it was in the middle of such action. Flows well. Great job.
moving with sleek stealth toward the two sets of French doors that flanked the fireplace, while keeping an eye on a corner closet. The doors appeared to be made of prime-grade oak and were a foot taller than their modern counterparts
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Hi, writerwish. Thank you so very much for this superbly supportive review. I think you have made an excellent suggestion regarding that section of the chapter, and I have changed it accordingly.
Your generosity and warm support are so appreciated, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
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You are quite welcome. I am trying to be a better reviewer.
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for helping re-engage us in the story with your synopsis. I liked your using the Sioux term for "shadow" in your title. Your phrase "words came out in chunks" is quite vivid and the mysterious "scar" is intriguing. Your "vein spasomed" and "blue marbles" images are very effective along with the sound of the clock's chimes. Your ending leaves us in suspense--well done! -Joan
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you for helping re-engage us in the story with your synopsis. I liked your using the Sioux term for "shadow" in your title. Your phrase "words came out in chunks" is quite vivid and the mysterious "scar" is intriguing. Your "vein spasomed" and "blue marbles" images are very effective along with the sound of the clock's chimes. Your ending leaves us in suspense--well done! -Joan
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Joan, thank you so very much for this wonderful review. Your generosity is heart-warming encouragement for the work, and I so appreciate that. Kindest regards, Bev