Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Tanika Moon"Murder Mystery
53 total reviews
Comment from Connie C
Well, you've done it again, Bev. You continue to amaze me with your brilliant writing of this mystery. I like how you weave Jana's dream (or nightmare?) into the last part of the chapter. You cover a lot here, and you make me want to read more. One more thing: I really like your second paragraph where you provide the example of why some detectives find fulfillment in their jobs. Can't wait for your next chapter. You should be very proud of this!!
Hugs
Connie
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Well, you've done it again, Bev. You continue to amaze me with your brilliant writing of this mystery. I like how you weave Jana's dream (or nightmare?) into the last part of the chapter. You cover a lot here, and you make me want to read more. One more thing: I really like your second paragraph where you provide the example of why some detectives find fulfillment in their jobs. Can't wait for your next chapter. You should be very proud of this!!
Hugs
Connie
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Hi, Connie. Thank you for your beautiful review, Connie. This chapter was one I had so many doubts about, so I am honestly relieved and honored that it came off well. It's thanks to the support of kind and generous folks like you that I am inspired to take my writing to even higher levels. I so appreciate you! Love, Bev
Comment from fictionwriter
I loved how vivid this was. The imagry was wonderful, and you fully sucked me into the story right along with Jana. Great piece of writing
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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I loved how vivid this was. The imagry was wonderful, and you fully sucked me into the story right along with Jana. Great piece of writing
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Thank you so very much for this wonderfully generous review, my friend. I really appreciate your support very much! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from donaldww
This is an excellent chapter in your book: Along the Jericho Road. I liked the dream (at the end) that Jana fell into at her uncle's house. It gives a mystical quality to the mystery, and makes Jana stand out as a character, as most characters end up just being another cookie cut with a cutter.
Here are a few things to check out:
He'd witnessed the phenomenon a multitude of times [What about the simpler ...phenomenon many times ]
and received no response [ ...and got no response. I thought it might sound better as dialogue. ]
We found Mr. Eisner," pointing to the living room floor, "about as close to death as I've ever seen. [the way this is written it seemed like some dialogue in a screen play.]
We found Mr. Eisener
(point to the living room)
(cont.)
about as close...
I'm wondering if you should separate the beat to make if feel more like a novel.
"We found Mr. Eisner about as close to death as I've ever seen." He pointed to the living room floor. "The E.M.T.'s believe he's had a massive coronary."
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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This is an excellent chapter in your book: Along the Jericho Road. I liked the dream (at the end) that Jana fell into at her uncle's house. It gives a mystical quality to the mystery, and makes Jana stand out as a character, as most characters end up just being another cookie cut with a cutter.
Here are a few things to check out:
He'd witnessed the phenomenon a multitude of times [What about the simpler ...phenomenon many times ]
and received no response [ ...and got no response. I thought it might sound better as dialogue. ]
We found Mr. Eisner," pointing to the living room floor, "about as close to death as I've ever seen. [the way this is written it seemed like some dialogue in a screen play.]
We found Mr. Eisener
(point to the living room)
(cont.)
about as close...
I'm wondering if you should separate the beat to make if feel more like a novel.
"We found Mr. Eisner about as close to death as I've ever seen." He pointed to the living room floor. "The E.M.T.'s believe he's had a massive coronary."
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Donald. Thank you, once again, for a fantastically helpful review. I've used up all my nominations for the month so can only extend my gratitude. Changes made! Appreciate much your generosity and support. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a grat job writing this chapter where jana faces her dream head on, did you mean to say invincible instead of invicible?
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a grat job writing this chapter where jana faces her dream head on, did you mean to say invincible instead of invicible?
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Sweet. Thank you so much for taking time to send along this generous review. I did change that section, maybe it didn't take LOL. Have to re-check. Thanks again! Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
WOW, this one was stellar you have woven together a masterful tale. The richness of your language is second to none. The spiritual intrigue and the basic murder mystery takes this piece to rarefied air that few on this site can match. I do hope you are writing pitch letters or letters of inquiry for this superb book. It is one I would be proud to own and recommend. I am sorry I can,t be of any help with edits as I have become a gushing fan who only wants to read more of your brilliant prose. I AM SO THANKFUL THAT BY JOINING THIS SITE I HAVE FOUND TALENT OF YOUR CALIBER!!!!
Rob
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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WOW, this one was stellar you have woven together a masterful tale. The richness of your language is second to none. The spiritual intrigue and the basic murder mystery takes this piece to rarefied air that few on this site can match. I do hope you are writing pitch letters or letters of inquiry for this superb book. It is one I would be proud to own and recommend. I am sorry I can,t be of any help with edits as I have become a gushing fan who only wants to read more of your brilliant prose. I AM SO THANKFUL THAT BY JOINING THIS SITE I HAVE FOUND TALENT OF YOUR CALIBER!!!!
Rob
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Rob, I am so deeply honored by this beautiful review! You are very much a spring of inspiration for me to hone my writing even further. You have been on board with this story from the beginning, and I cannot possibly thank you enough for all you've done and said to support my story. Kindest regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Bev.
These spirits haunting Jana Burke sleep must be trying to tell her something. I wonder if the bruises and scratches are something Jana is doing to herself because of her dreams. This chapter is apparently preparing us for something which is soon to happen. Anyway, we are left wanting to know more.
April
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Bev.
These spirits haunting Jana Burke sleep must be trying to tell her something. I wonder if the bruises and scratches are something Jana is doing to herself because of her dreams. This chapter is apparently preparing us for something which is soon to happen. Anyway, we are left wanting to know more.
April
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, April. Yes, there's quite a lot more coming down the road. Thanks for reading and your generous review, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from jjstar
Holy cow! You've outdone yourself. It's a masterpiece. You lost your editor about three sentences in because a was so enthralled by the story I couldn't do anything except point out the exceptional language. Truly amazing read. I particularly love the mysticism of Jana's story. I've read quite a few pieces lately about characters of Native lineage, but nobody has done it as well as you! It was just breathtaking! Anyone who says it's too long is just not a reader! This is what the joy of reading is all about! Dang it, I just tried to rate this. I even read it yesterday, but waited until today to rate because my sixes got reloaded! I know I have 5 stars left. It won't let me give you one! I hate that. Just know, if I had ten stars I'd give them to you!
all for a salary paying slightly more than the manager of a Seven Eleven.==exactly..
and then sashaying off to gorge on the pickings of her aunt's estate.==HORRID!
No face paint, no communion hosts. What happened here?
===AWESOME!
anxious to press itself forward like an itinerant preacher's healing hands. ==HOLY CRAP! great simile!
was more akin to mental illness than a gift.==terrible way to feel!
dangerous path for the unbalanced ego."==wow, again, brilliant way to put it..the unbalanced ego..
Lost and angry souls are drawn to the energy of healers==superb way to put it, and so true!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Holy cow! You've outdone yourself. It's a masterpiece. You lost your editor about three sentences in because a was so enthralled by the story I couldn't do anything except point out the exceptional language. Truly amazing read. I particularly love the mysticism of Jana's story. I've read quite a few pieces lately about characters of Native lineage, but nobody has done it as well as you! It was just breathtaking! Anyone who says it's too long is just not a reader! This is what the joy of reading is all about! Dang it, I just tried to rate this. I even read it yesterday, but waited until today to rate because my sixes got reloaded! I know I have 5 stars left. It won't let me give you one! I hate that. Just know, if I had ten stars I'd give them to you!
all for a salary paying slightly more than the manager of a Seven Eleven.==exactly..
and then sashaying off to gorge on the pickings of her aunt's estate.==HORRID!
No face paint, no communion hosts. What happened here?
===AWESOME!
anxious to press itself forward like an itinerant preacher's healing hands. ==HOLY CRAP! great simile!
was more akin to mental illness than a gift.==terrible way to feel!
dangerous path for the unbalanced ego."==wow, again, brilliant way to put it..the unbalanced ego..
Lost and angry souls are drawn to the energy of healers==superb way to put it, and so true!
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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You have so made my week, jj! Thank you very much for this fantastic review. I'm really grateful for your words of insight and support. You make me want to just try to get better and better. A virtual six is the icing on the cake of your generosity, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
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Every chapter I read seems to be better than the last. You totally inspire me, so I think I'll go try to write a little!
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You are so sweet and kind, jj. Bless you! Bev
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Awww..it's easy when it's you. i'm not always so kind. lol
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:0) xxx
Comment from Glasstruth
Haven't been following this, still can get the feel and flavor of this great action packed chapter. A little lengthy, but it moved. Very tense. Love the Indian lore and the descriptions of the wages. Great job! Les
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Haven't been following this, still can get the feel and flavor of this great action packed chapter. A little lengthy, but it moved. Very tense. Love the Indian lore and the descriptions of the wages. Great job! Les
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Les. Thank you for reading the chapter. I really appreciate the support -- glad you are enjoying the N.A. angle.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from JW
This chapter makes a good addition to your story. I can only imagine the fear one would have to experience something like this in real life. JW
You may want to review the following:
Jana sqeezed (squeezed) the satin trim of her blanket
with his words reverberting (reverberating) in her skull:
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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This chapter makes a good addition to your story. I can only imagine the fear one would have to experience something like this in real life. JW
You may want to review the following:
Jana sqeezed (squeezed) the satin trim of her blanket
with his words reverberting (reverberating) in her skull:
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Jonathan. I really appreciate the very helpful review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from irishauthorme
Great chapter, i will have to go back and read from the first to really understand your story. Good action that moved the story forward, and the interaction between Jana and her uncle Tony. Appreciated the accurate description of the the fever poultice, was raised with many Blackfoot and Paiute and saw many instances where their Medicine Man cured many minor ailments.
Very good work, and how do you keep up with 100+ fans, and 90 writers that you follow?
Cheers, irish
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Great chapter, i will have to go back and read from the first to really understand your story. Good action that moved the story forward, and the interaction between Jana and her uncle Tony. Appreciated the accurate description of the the fever poultice, was raised with many Blackfoot and Paiute and saw many instances where their Medicine Man cured many minor ailments.
Very good work, and how do you keep up with 100+ fans, and 90 writers that you follow?
Cheers, irish
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Irish. I sure appreciate your great review! Thanks for assuring me about the Native American aspects of the story. That helps so much.
I spend a lot time on my tush at my computer for sure LOL!
Thank you for being so generous and kind.
Warmest regards, Bev