Short Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "haiku (red giant's sunset)"A Collection Of Short Form Poetry
31 total reviews
Comment from nordicgirl
So original. This is certainly the piece about the sunset that is the most memorable. A thought provoking image as we realize that everything physical is temporary. Way outside the box. Awesome imagery. NG
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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So original. This is certainly the piece about the sunset that is the most memorable. A thought provoking image as we realize that everything physical is temporary. Way outside the box. Awesome imagery. NG
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you. I was trying for out of the box!! Glad you liked it. mikey
Comment from TAB_that's me
Mikey, you have followed all of the rules for this prompt and have written a beautiful sunset haiku. Best to you in the contest:)
Teresa
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Mikey, you have followed all of the rules for this prompt and have written a beautiful sunset haiku. Best to you in the contest:)
Teresa
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you!! I'm pleased you liked it. Something different. mikey
Comment from Jean Lutz
Gotta admit I was glad to see some explanation in the Author Notes for this one. Your submission certainly takes an opposite approach from the serenity of the others. By faith I will just see a new heavens and earth by then.:-) Best wishes with your entry.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Gotta admit I was glad to see some explanation in the Author Notes for this one. Your submission certainly takes an opposite approach from the serenity of the others. By faith I will just see a new heavens and earth by then.:-) Best wishes with your entry.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Indeed, I'm sure we will all be in a better place long, long before anything like this. Interesting speculation though. And, it gives me something to write about!! Thank you so much, mikey
Comment from Dawn Munro
Wow, now this is a fantastic prediction, and if it proves to be true, I'm sure glad it's not going to happen for a few billion years!
What a powerful little poem - VERY nicely done! Best of luc in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Wow, now this is a fantastic prediction, and if it proves to be true, I'm sure glad it's not going to happen for a few billion years!
What a powerful little poem - VERY nicely done! Best of luc in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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So very pleased you liked this. Yeah, way down the line!! I'm doing pretty good!! Something different. Thank you kindly, mikey
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Oh, that's great! You're most welcome.
Comment from rjuselius
"red giant's sunset
drops of water sizzle as
earth evaporates"
this is a fine piece of poetic art! i see you used the satori in first line. fits the bill nicely. brilliant imagery!
thank you for sharing, dear friend.
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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"red giant's sunset
drops of water sizzle as
earth evaporates"
this is a fine piece of poetic art! i see you used the satori in first line. fits the bill nicely. brilliant imagery!
thank you for sharing, dear friend.
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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What a wonderful compliment. Thank you so very much. It's doing pretty well!! Smiles. mikey
Comment from The Death
Hi, Mikey.
A very different and strong image you've painted here. The presentation is striking and matches your words well.
red giant's sunset
drops of water sizzle as
earth evaporates
Fine use of phonetics with R,S, consonance, E alliteration, and A,O assonance.
That all being said, the first line has redundancy in it, which must be avoided in the shorter forms. 'Red giant' is the sun only, so you don't need to 'sunset' after it. It sounds forced.
Also, you are supposed to include sunset in your haiku(which you have done) but isn't sunset supposed to be a serene, soothing, event. It's hard to imagine droplets to be sizzling at the sunset. It would have made sense if it was mid-day.
It is subjective, but felt it essential to share this with you. I would have loved to see a soft toned write(not a reason for lower rating).
The actions you describe in the last two lines seem to overpower the thought.
Will be happy to re-visit. Please let me know if you edit it.
Good luck!
Regards,
Anupam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Hi, Mikey.
A very different and strong image you've painted here. The presentation is striking and matches your words well.
red giant's sunset
drops of water sizzle as
earth evaporates
Fine use of phonetics with R,S, consonance, E alliteration, and A,O assonance.
That all being said, the first line has redundancy in it, which must be avoided in the shorter forms. 'Red giant' is the sun only, so you don't need to 'sunset' after it. It sounds forced.
Also, you are supposed to include sunset in your haiku(which you have done) but isn't sunset supposed to be a serene, soothing, event. It's hard to imagine droplets to be sizzling at the sunset. It would have made sense if it was mid-day.
It is subjective, but felt it essential to share this with you. I would have loved to see a soft toned write(not a reason for lower rating).
The actions you describe in the last two lines seem to overpower the thought.
Will be happy to re-visit. Please let me know if you edit it.
Good luck!
Regards,
Anupam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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I usually agree completely with you. But, in this case I'm no sure that I do. I don't think that "Red Giant" by itself invokes the image of a sun to most people. There might be a way to find a word other than sunset to combine with it that will put the proper image in someone's mind. I will give that some thought. My strongest disagreement is that a sunset is supposed to be serene and soothing. That is one view of a sunset. But, that is so limiting especially to a poet. A man adrift at sea knowing that the setting sun means freezing night air wouldn't consider it serene. One breathing their last breath knowing they will never see another sunset wouldn't find it soothing. The sun setting on Venus isn't ever serene I would imagine. Ha! Off the deep end now!! Well, there is my little argument. I will think about the first line. I wouldn't mind a suggestion if you have one. Nothing is coming to mind, yet. As always, I appreciate your detailed and thoughtful reviews. Thank you kindly. If I come up with something I will let you know! mikey
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Thanks for your gracious reply, Mikey. The reason for lower rating was not that you didn't build a serene scene, but the thought of evaporation at the time of sunset, along with the first line issue. I know we have different perspectives and can visualize an event in drastically varying ways.
Thank you for your explanation. It certainly isn't an argument. We all have the right to express our honest opinion. :)
Do you think 'red giant fades' will work?
Kindest regards,
Anupam
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I like "fades" somewhat. I'm still not sure that most people would "get" that it was a red giant star from that. I would, but I like astronomy! I'll think on it some more. I use argument more like "stating a case". Not like my wife and I "arguing" over the water bill. Hahaha. mikey
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Heh-heh! I can understand, but most people should know it's a star. If you want to express it more clearly, seek a simpler expression. 'Red giant' may appear abstract to some.
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My poor brain. I think I have it figured out! A red giant is a generic term that refers to stars in general that are in a particular state. Since a sunset refers to a particular star, the sun, then I have to add sunset to indicate that I am speaking about the sun in particular and not some other red giant. The fact that it is still sizzling at sunset is a result of the heat being so intense that there is no cooling at sunset. Okay, I'm done!! Hahaha. Aren't I fun! mikey
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I didn't want to sound too technical, but the Sun will become a ready giant in the future--they say!
If you wish to have it, then consider:
red-giant sun fades
It will be more effective with a verb.
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Hmmm. That I like. Let me think about that. Thank you for indulging me! You are very patient. :)) mikey
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Now, this Sunset Haiku is out of orbit. It'a an awesome sight to behold by the human naked eye. I wish I could save this picture and add it to me photo gallery slideshow. Magnificent sight to look at. The words are perfect. It looks great. A strong contender, this is the sunset from the other point of view. Unique.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Now, this Sunset Haiku is out of orbit. It'a an awesome sight to behold by the human naked eye. I wish I could save this picture and add it to me photo gallery slideshow. Magnificent sight to look at. The words are perfect. It looks great. A strong contender, this is the sunset from the other point of view. Unique.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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I think you can just click on it. If not go to Bing Images and type in The Sun Becomes a Red Giant. Yeah, I like the other point of view. Hahaha. mikey
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Yep, may try it.
Comment from CR Delport
Seeing the sun in the sky, it is actually hard to imagine how big our star really is, and how hostile it can be. This is well done. Good luck.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Seeing the sun in the sky, it is actually hard to imagine how big our star really is, and how hostile it can be. This is well done. Good luck.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you! I'm doing surprisingly well!! Yep, it's a big hostile ball of fire. As long as it keeps its distance we'll be okay. mikey
Comment from nor84
Very nice, Mikey. If it's a 'blind' contest, though, better take your name off. I'm beginning to get a handle on haiku and will be better able to review them. So, it's short/long/short, present tense, up to 17 syllables? Or can it be less than 17 syllables?
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Very nice, Mikey. If it's a 'blind' contest, though, better take your name off. I'm beginning to get a handle on haiku and will be better able to review them. So, it's short/long/short, present tense, up to 17 syllables? Or can it be less than 17 syllables?
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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This one isn't blind, but they usually are. Sometimes they are 5-7-5. This one is trying to be more traditional and following stricter rules. Pleased you noticed my name was displayed, just in case! I'll probably get some argument on present tense, but most agree that a vision of the future or prophecy is present tense. MOST! HAhaha. This is a fun one with all the good writers in it. Flexing my little fledgling wings!!! Thank you for the kind words, mikey
Comment from l.raven
HI Michael, do ya think???I've seen some beautiful red sunsets...never thought of them sucking the water out of the earth...but if you think about it...Hummm...very nicely done you...getting tired...goodnight for now...Luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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HI Michael, do ya think???I've seen some beautiful red sunsets...never thought of them sucking the water out of the earth...but if you think about it...Hummm...very nicely done you...getting tired...goodnight for now...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Night-Night. Glad you liked it. We don't have to worry for another few billion years. We'll be living on Neptune by then probably! mikey