Normality?
Mono-rhymed self-assessment26 total reviews
Comment from TAB_that's me
Usually mono-rhyme poems end up sounding forced in the rhyme but yours did not:) It was well written and interesting to read.
teresa
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Usually mono-rhyme poems end up sounding forced in the rhyme but yours did not:) It was well written and interesting to read.
teresa
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Hi Teresa,
thank you for the read and the very fine review... most appreciated.
Hope your weekend is going well, enjoy the remains.
With our thoughts we create,original authenticity,
James xx
Comment from MM lives on :)
James, old school cadence of the journey through the ITY of our existence. White matter flows all over this cranial oblivion. This is how I feel right now synopsis neurons firing in misdirection. What is dream and what is the lucid or half satiric reality. I could dissect this membrane more but it speaks volumes.
LOVED THIS ONE..MM TRIPLE THUMBS UP BROTHER 777!
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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James, old school cadence of the journey through the ITY of our existence. White matter flows all over this cranial oblivion. This is how I feel right now synopsis neurons firing in misdirection. What is dream and what is the lucid or half satiric reality. I could dissect this membrane more but it speaks volumes.
LOVED THIS ONE..MM TRIPLE THUMBS UP BROTHER 777!
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Christopher my brother, first of all, thanks for the magic you've laid on my words... I could tell you understood every moment of the meanings... misdirection... every direction! It's the learning we get out of injury or supposed life-setbacks... what to make of the journey and how I implement my strategies going forward... it's still all choice, but that's what makes the human brain so wonderful... I choose to grow!
Most definitely a seven star review... nothing but respect my brother... much love to the family!
With our thoughts we create,
original authenticity,
James...
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love you bro! you are a MAN unlike any other man I have met...like me sensitive but a man's man who lives by his convictions with loyalty, respect and honor! YOU ROCK!
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love you bro! you are a MAN unlike any other man I have met...like me sensitive but a man's man who lives by his convictions with loyalty, respect and honor! YOU ROCK!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, jumbo j, you did an excellent job writing this mono rhyme poem about the essence of being normal is different for everyone. I enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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this is an excellent write, jumbo j, you did an excellent job writing this mono rhyme poem about the essence of being normal is different for everyone. I enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Indeed Sweetwooodjax... what is normal?
Glad you enjoyed the read and I am truly grateful for your fine review and comments... thank you!
With our thoughts we create,
original authenticity,
James xx.
Comment from rama devi
Wow, James, this is amazingly raw and real....intensely honest. Almost an attack of honesty on the mundane elisions most people call 'normality'. Tons of inventive phonetics with alliteration and other poetic devices, seamlessly even in except for one line, which sounds great read aloud but the alliterative device shouts too loudly--somewhat self-consciously:
teetering tenuously in the creation of vacant vacuity.
I like the line, but have to admit the alliterative device overshadowed it a bit. Everywhere else, the poetic devices are woven in deftly and it sounds great read aloud. In this line, the combined alliteration and consonance of b is superbly well woven:
internal battery of battles in mind-numbing liability.
And the abundant alliteration and consonance of S here works well too:
Just two small side-steps to the wrong side of sanity
Rolls off the tongue read aloud.
I'm personally not a fan of mono-rhyme styles as they have a similar feeling of the craft overshadowing the substance and overbearing the style. However, this one is so rich in substance and lots of high-end vocabulary that the reader's attention is not as much on the rhyme as on the meaning. Still, I confess that the mono-rhyme is distracting to me, personally...tough I understand it was intentional and is an acceptable form, so no stars deducted. As you know, I'll always be honest in feedback. I think you did a great job of choosing thoughtful rhymes and weaving them in well...but the mono-rhyme aspect does (nonetheless) shout loudly at the reader.
This is highly unique and original and some lines stand out as most memorable and effective, and three of them are in your opening stanza:
run-a-way freight train storming through my validity
tight-rope-walking on the rim of a corrugated reality
This one is awesome:
encrusted blood-dried dreams in a dogmatic duality
WOW--this stanxa has exceptional "in-sight":
Doors and windows slammed shut to shield the stability
claiming the rights to a nitty-gritty of unstable modality
realizing the capturing endurance in an echoing perpetuity
leading to unearthing a mega dose of highly-laced lucidity.
The words capturing endurance are most effect in this context.
This line is very unique and interesting but slightly awkward or forced in flow:
Stoking fresh-floating embers to a heavenly-rising sacrosanctity
I like the inventive rhyme-word.
Here's an idea:
Stoking fresh-floating embers rising to heavenly sacrosanctity
Love this ironic line:
vigorous entrenchment into an transparent thread of clarity
Potent closing line...love it, especially fatigued-failure (what a pairing):
never shall I be resigned to the fatigued-failure of my totality.
The only other critique I can offer is to consider avoiding using so many gerunds in a row in the line-openings in the last two stanzas. It flows well...but still, overusing gerunds is not always a great option, IMHO. Along that line of thought, I recommend some example alternatives to gerunds here:
Doors and windows slammed shut to shield the stability
and claimed the rights to a nitty-gritty of unstable modality
realizing the capturing endurance in an echoing perpetuity
leads to unearthing a mega dose of highly-laced lucidity.
Stoking fresh-floating embers to a heavenly-rising sacrosanctity
creates open lines to power up ground-breaking profundity
Powerful, though-provoking post with lots of levels and nuances. Very impressive work, my friend. I do think it has room for fine tuning but most of the feedback is optional and a matter of taste and style, so five stars for you.
Hugs and light,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Wow, James, this is amazingly raw and real....intensely honest. Almost an attack of honesty on the mundane elisions most people call 'normality'. Tons of inventive phonetics with alliteration and other poetic devices, seamlessly even in except for one line, which sounds great read aloud but the alliterative device shouts too loudly--somewhat self-consciously:
teetering tenuously in the creation of vacant vacuity.
I like the line, but have to admit the alliterative device overshadowed it a bit. Everywhere else, the poetic devices are woven in deftly and it sounds great read aloud. In this line, the combined alliteration and consonance of b is superbly well woven:
internal battery of battles in mind-numbing liability.
And the abundant alliteration and consonance of S here works well too:
Just two small side-steps to the wrong side of sanity
Rolls off the tongue read aloud.
I'm personally not a fan of mono-rhyme styles as they have a similar feeling of the craft overshadowing the substance and overbearing the style. However, this one is so rich in substance and lots of high-end vocabulary that the reader's attention is not as much on the rhyme as on the meaning. Still, I confess that the mono-rhyme is distracting to me, personally...tough I understand it was intentional and is an acceptable form, so no stars deducted. As you know, I'll always be honest in feedback. I think you did a great job of choosing thoughtful rhymes and weaving them in well...but the mono-rhyme aspect does (nonetheless) shout loudly at the reader.
This is highly unique and original and some lines stand out as most memorable and effective, and three of them are in your opening stanza:
run-a-way freight train storming through my validity
tight-rope-walking on the rim of a corrugated reality
This one is awesome:
encrusted blood-dried dreams in a dogmatic duality
WOW--this stanxa has exceptional "in-sight":
Doors and windows slammed shut to shield the stability
claiming the rights to a nitty-gritty of unstable modality
realizing the capturing endurance in an echoing perpetuity
leading to unearthing a mega dose of highly-laced lucidity.
The words capturing endurance are most effect in this context.
This line is very unique and interesting but slightly awkward or forced in flow:
Stoking fresh-floating embers to a heavenly-rising sacrosanctity
I like the inventive rhyme-word.
Here's an idea:
Stoking fresh-floating embers rising to heavenly sacrosanctity
Love this ironic line:
vigorous entrenchment into an transparent thread of clarity
Potent closing line...love it, especially fatigued-failure (what a pairing):
never shall I be resigned to the fatigued-failure of my totality.
The only other critique I can offer is to consider avoiding using so many gerunds in a row in the line-openings in the last two stanzas. It flows well...but still, overusing gerunds is not always a great option, IMHO. Along that line of thought, I recommend some example alternatives to gerunds here:
Doors and windows slammed shut to shield the stability
and claimed the rights to a nitty-gritty of unstable modality
realizing the capturing endurance in an echoing perpetuity
leads to unearthing a mega dose of highly-laced lucidity.
Stoking fresh-floating embers to a heavenly-rising sacrosanctity
creates open lines to power up ground-breaking profundity
Powerful, though-provoking post with lots of levels and nuances. Very impressive work, my friend. I do think it has room for fine tuning but most of the feedback is optional and a matter of taste and style, so five stars for you.
Hugs and light,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Hi Rama D,
thank you for your truly comprehensive review. I can see why your a favorite amongst the reviewers nominations. Your review and honest comments have a pretty metered flow with heaps to garnish through insight and knowledge. I thank you for all of your suggestions and guidance. You know it is appreciated ... you are a deep structured thinker with directional advice, so what more can I say... than, thank you!
With our thoughts we create,
original authenticity,
James xx.
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Thanks for your super gracious response, dear James, and wonderful receptivity and kindness. I forgot to mention that authenticity is a forte in your writing...and one of my favourite things about you, too! Warmest Smiles, rd
Comment from Spiritual Echo
You do, of course, appreciate that in prose LY words are spit upon, and here you create an entire charter of self-deprecation using every one and even some I'd need to Google.
This is very clever, on one hand, and yet caries the stinging sword of--hesitate to say self-loathing--so perhaps just self-not-liking.
I'm sure you got a little carried away with those dashes, but let the poets comment. One nit to change. see below.
vigorous entrenchment into (SHOULD BE A--NOT--an) transparent thread of clarity
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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You do, of course, appreciate that in prose LY words are spit upon, and here you create an entire charter of self-deprecation using every one and even some I'd need to Google.
This is very clever, on one hand, and yet caries the stinging sword of--hesitate to say self-loathing--so perhaps just self-not-liking.
I'm sure you got a little carried away with those dashes, but let the poets comment. One nit to change. see below.
vigorous entrenchment into (SHOULD BE A--NOT--an) transparent thread of clarity
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Hi Ingrid,
thanks for spotting the nit... how'd that get there?
Didn't know how the mono-rhymed theme was going to go down, still don't... but I was in my pool doing the counting of the measured moments... know by the injured as, rehabilitation exercises... so there is ample time in-between counting and then drifting into deep thought, just hopefully not together as I end up loosing count and have to start back from my last remembered count... no, concentration is needed if you ever want to finish the measured movements. This poem was birthed in the pool a couple of days ago... wish I could write in the pool, I do so much of my in-depth thinking there... hmmm, self-not-liking? I suppose there's a lot of that in this journey of discovery within this new injury... but you can see the rhythm change going into the last stanza that shines a tad of light onto my choice to learn through, rather than learn by... hopefully I'm coming out the other side as I'm actually moving a lot better every week... who knows, another few months and I might be back to where I started... so, it's all a win--win if I can keep on track?
This really lit my afternoon up from all that self-loathing... smile)))))))). Thank you so much for thinking it good enough for one of your six's... a truly magic review my dear friend.
With our thoughts we create,
original authenticity,
James xx.
Comment from kiwijenny
I love the word choices and especially the rhyme choices....it reads well like a train on a track...I like the transparent thread of clarity....just barely hanging on
Well done
God bless
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
|
I love the word choices and especially the rhyme choices....it reads well like a train on a track...I like the transparent thread of clarity....just barely hanging on
Well done
God bless
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Thanks Jenny, you are indeed a very kind and spiritual individual... your review, comments and rating is most appreciated my friend from further down...smile)))))... hope your weekend shines some inspiration on you.
With our thoughts we create,
clear vision to clarity,
James xx