Bed of Roses
a perfect moment39 total reviews
Comment from Jacob Collins
I thought that this was an interesting take on the: bed of roses title, giraffemang. You certainly captured the essence of love well in this piece and the desire to stay young forever. Good luck in the contest...Jacob
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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I thought that this was an interesting take on the: bed of roses title, giraffemang. You certainly captured the essence of love well in this piece and the desire to stay young forever. Good luck in the contest...Jacob
Comment Written 16-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the review. It is much appreciated. There is a deeper story at play too.
Comment from Spitfire
I'm guessing from the tone of the narrator and the last line that he killed the young beauty after making love or more likely rape as the word choice of "shock" implies. He's obsessed with perfection.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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I'm guessing from the tone of the narrator and the last line that he killed the young beauty after making love or more likely rape as the word choice of "shock" implies. He's obsessed with perfection.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Spot on. Thank you for the insightful review. Much appreciated
Comment from kriver
Hi
This is a vividly descriptive write.
A very good choice for the contest.
I think it would be a good start
for a prologue to a
murder mystery story.
Over all a good write.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Hi
This is a vividly descriptive write.
A very good choice for the contest.
I think it would be a good start
for a prologue to a
murder mystery story.
Over all a good write.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for this encouraging review
Comment from JanetRussek
This is just beautiful. If I could write like this I'd think I was in heaven. I found this piece fragile and deeply moving. Amazing.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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This is just beautiful. If I could write like this I'd think I was in heaven. I found this piece fragile and deeply moving. Amazing.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the generous review. Very much appreciated.
Comment from lancellot
A great scene, and one many young and a few old timers wish they had. Why does he leave her in the end. Is he a 'hit and quit it' man. Not that I'm hating. Well done.
Did you see American Beauty? That would make a great pic. You should look it up.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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A great scene, and one many young and a few old timers wish they had. Why does he leave her in the end. Is he a 'hit and quit it' man. Not that I'm hating. Well done.
Did you see American Beauty? That would make a great pic. You should look it up.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Many thanks, I have seen it, and it was one of the images that came to mind when I saw the prompt, that and Snow white laid out. Much appreciated
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a pretty gruesome poem. I seem to be reading many violent non-sensical poems today. About ready to quit. Need some fresh air and sunshine. How nice of him to leave her as a beautiful corpse. :<) Nancy
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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This is a pretty gruesome poem. I seem to be reading many violent non-sensical poems today. About ready to quit. Need some fresh air and sunshine. How nice of him to leave her as a beautiful corpse. :<) Nancy
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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TherE are a lot around today. I noticed that too but I stopped reviewing a long time ago today. Much appreciated
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It is time for me to sign off anyhow. Have a nice week. Did I wish you good luck? xx Nancy
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Bed of Roses is a rather lovely
descriptive piece - it isn't
easy keeping it to a maximum
of 200 words
A shock of golden hair streams out in all directions, as if her head (was) framed by a setting sun. - I think there's a words missing here.
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Bed of Roses is a rather lovely
descriptive piece - it isn't
easy keeping it to a maximum
of 200 words
A shock of golden hair streams out in all directions, as if her head (was) framed by a setting sun. - I think there's a words missing here.
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for your response to this piece. I appreciate it
Comment from SimplyK
Sweet moment in time.
Reminds me a little of the opening of American Beauty, though the setting is different.
Intense yet peaceful.
Forever young... :)
Blessings K
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Sweet moment in time.
Reminds me a little of the opening of American Beauty, though the setting is different.
Intense yet peaceful.
Forever young... :)
Blessings K
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the review. Much appreciated
Comment from humpwhistle
This reminds me of a scene depicted in the trailer of a movie called American Beauty--except of course, for the hint of violence. A hint about the reason for the violence might give this piece more depth.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
she cups her perfect breasts with each small hand, eyes closed, naked, and lost in sweet slumber.
--I realize this is a nit, but it seems to me 'naked' is misplaced. Naked is the biggest of pictures, so I'd lead with that. 'Naked in her repose, she cups...'
Just a thought.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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This reminds me of a scene depicted in the trailer of a movie called American Beauty--except of course, for the hint of violence. A hint about the reason for the violence might give this piece more depth.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
she cups her perfect breasts with each small hand, eyes closed, naked, and lost in sweet slumber.
--I realize this is a nit, but it seems to me 'naked' is misplaced. Naked is the biggest of pictures, so I'd lead with that. 'Naked in her repose, she cups...'
Just a thought.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the helpful review. Much appreciated
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Gareth
I thought there must be more to this tale. She lays there all too perfectly. I'm thinking you killed her during or after the lovemaking, likely with a knife. And then you positioned her,
"A shock of golden hair streams out in all directions, as if her head framed by a setting sun. In her repose, she cups her perfect breasts with each small hand, eyes closed, naked" ... you placed her hands there, cupping her own breasts, you spread out her hair to frame her face, you closed her eyelids. They were previously open in death, as you described them earlier... "eyes of polished jade".
My first clue that this was a murder, likely at a serial killer's hand, was that she was cupping her own breasts. A woman wouldn't do that on her own.
I cringed at the evilness of this line,
"In the stillness of the twilight, the forest feels alive." ... you can sense the living forest so vividly because she is so dead. Quite a contrast.
This was my second clue that you had murdered the girl,
"The red roses, once white contrast on her ivory skin." ... you had strewn white roses on the forest floor, but her blood turned them red. Already, she is turning white in death. It makes me wonder if you laid white roses on the ground before the lovemaking, or was that also part of setting up the scene? Now I'm wondering if she will ever be found. For you are in the woods. Unless a hunter comes across her body, it may never be located. She'd just end up as a "missing person". But, you are a serial killer. And serial killers don't want their handiwork to go to waste. After all, you are setting the scene for someone to find the sense of beauty you see. So you will likely tell the police where she can be found... somehow. A letter perhaps?
I have to wonder if she was a willing partner, or just a beautiful girl you abducted. I'm thinking abducted. Serial killers are a careful bunch. No witnesses.
My third clue,
"I leave her now, forever young." ... you are finally satisfied with the picture perfect pose. She will be forever young, you figure, because she is dead. She'll never grow old and lose her beauty. In some sick way, you believe you are saving her from the deterioration of old age.
This is pretty gruesome. Granted, I had to do some reading between the lines. But all the clues are there.
Whew!
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Hi Gareth
I thought there must be more to this tale. She lays there all too perfectly. I'm thinking you killed her during or after the lovemaking, likely with a knife. And then you positioned her,
"A shock of golden hair streams out in all directions, as if her head framed by a setting sun. In her repose, she cups her perfect breasts with each small hand, eyes closed, naked" ... you placed her hands there, cupping her own breasts, you spread out her hair to frame her face, you closed her eyelids. They were previously open in death, as you described them earlier... "eyes of polished jade".
My first clue that this was a murder, likely at a serial killer's hand, was that she was cupping her own breasts. A woman wouldn't do that on her own.
I cringed at the evilness of this line,
"In the stillness of the twilight, the forest feels alive." ... you can sense the living forest so vividly because she is so dead. Quite a contrast.
This was my second clue that you had murdered the girl,
"The red roses, once white contrast on her ivory skin." ... you had strewn white roses on the forest floor, but her blood turned them red. Already, she is turning white in death. It makes me wonder if you laid white roses on the ground before the lovemaking, or was that also part of setting up the scene? Now I'm wondering if she will ever be found. For you are in the woods. Unless a hunter comes across her body, it may never be located. She'd just end up as a "missing person". But, you are a serial killer. And serial killers don't want their handiwork to go to waste. After all, you are setting the scene for someone to find the sense of beauty you see. So you will likely tell the police where she can be found... somehow. A letter perhaps?
I have to wonder if she was a willing partner, or just a beautiful girl you abducted. I'm thinking abducted. Serial killers are a careful bunch. No witnesses.
My third clue,
"I leave her now, forever young." ... you are finally satisfied with the picture perfect pose. She will be forever young, you figure, because she is dead. She'll never grow old and lose her beauty. In some sick way, you believe you are saving her from the deterioration of old age.
This is pretty gruesome. Granted, I had to do some reading between the lines. But all the clues are there.
Whew!
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the insightful review. So many people have missed it! Lol
Great review. Thank you. Much appreciated
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I should have mentioned this too, Gareth, to fine tune your story. As I've noticed in previous reviews, you use "the" a lot. For example, this line...
"In (the) stillness of (the) twilight, (the) forest feels alive."
...you could write,
(In twilight's stillness, the forest feels alive.)
Kimbob