Comment from judiverse

Excellent

You have quite a range, and this is excellent. Really spooky. The discovery of the baby that turns out to be a werewolf gives your story a different twist. Now the narrator has unleashed it to do more evil in the world. Babysitting just isn't a safe job any more. Now Lucifer gives him his mission to see that no harm comes to the baby. Excellent ending "If only I had not stuck my nose in where it did not belong." That's where all the great stories come from, isn't it? Someone dares to stick his nose in. judi

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015

Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much.

reply by judiverse on 12-Jun-2015

You're welcome. This should make quite a story collection. judi

Comment from Lt. Fritzzenhoffen

Needs Improvement

Hello Brett,

Your story starts us in the middle of a scene, which is good, but then dives quickly into narrative generalities and over-explanation. These are easy to pick up on, and a common mistake of beginning writers. You simply look for the question marks. Not the question marks in dialog, we need those, but the question marks in narrative. Readers want to be plunged into the action, not primed with rhetorical narrative. Take us there, and do it in a frickin' hurry.

Some other things:

How can we see the coffin if it's dark?

Quote the local gossip, don't just tell us that it happened.

Narrators who "wonder" are almost never exciting for us to read. We want to see their thoughts by their actions. Period.

Avoid repetitive descriptions that do nothing: "...youngsters, just starting out in their adult lives, barely out of their teens..." Pick one, and let it be.

"Who'd ever heard of a serial killer baby before?" Does nothing for the story and sounds awkward to boot.

"...I never knew what attacked me..." Well, actually, you did know what attacked you, Mr. Narrator.

My experience is that when it comes to gore, less is more. "...scarlet red gushing pool... torn to shreds..." is an over-explanation of a scene, which takes away from the horror of it. Let your reader have just a few morsels, and let our imaginations take it form there. :)

I hope my comments are helpful. I am always ready to explain further, if you need clarification.


-Virgil


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 Comment Written 12-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015

Okay.

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

This is a fine introduction to what you say will now be a collection of short horror tales.
You have your main characters well defined and you've peaked my interest. I still see the evil baby heading for the door.

-heading right straight for the door. (Did you mean to use both 'right' and 'straight'? One is enough.)

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. Appreciate them very much.

Comment from giraffmang

Good

Hi Brett,

There is a beginnings of a great story in here but it still feels very unpolished and some of the details need ironed out a bit. servitude in hell by protecting the ungodly thing that caused him to be sent there is some punishment.

There were some inconsistencies, and some of the sentences could possibly do with another re-edit to strip out some superfluous wording, which make them seem overly long.

remains of a tiny little baby - I would use either of these descriptors rather than both. one is redundant

dead corpses - dead is redundant, you don't see many live corpses.

our tiny little town - again use one, the other is redundant

Six of them youngsters, just starting out in their adult lives, barely out of their teens - a bit of overkill in this sentence - youngsters, adults, barely out of teens. Again it is probably better to take one track with the descriptors.

and I never knew what attacked me - this isn't really true. He may not know what kind of being / monster but surely he gathered it was the baby.

Before I knew what was happening my spirit was soaring up through the Heavens looking down on my grisly remains, which to my horror, were being unceremoniously tossed into the same casket I had pried open much to my chagrin. 0 who found the body and turfed it into the casket? the baby had left and he had been alone. If his body left after death as suggested then how did this occur.

Soaring up through the heavens but end up in hell?

GMG

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015

Thanks for your comments and support.

Comment from justafan

Excellent

Brett, you have quite a knack with the dark side. I certainly was taken on a lil trip to hell with this one. Great work. I am a fan.

Always justafan,
Missy

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015

Thanks for your comments and suggestions.

Comment from Chrissy710

Excellent

Hi Brett, I have read your story Casket Baby and think it is a very good plot and interesting, however I have a few suggestions that you may consider . I found as I read this story I seemed to be interrupted with some of your phrases and have taken the liberty to tell you how. I would word some of these point so at great risk here goes.

In the 2nd and 3 rd paragraphs your write about a tiny little baby and tiny little town ( I would have just put maybe tiny baby and little town, as tiny refers to little anyway)
Also in the third paragraph I would put date, and .....

P4 perhaps write All victims( instead of all of them) And reword to say Six of the youngest, barley out of their teens and just starting out in their adult life, had

P5 To me this thought was simply preposterous and I fully intended not only to open the casket but to....
P6 upon mentioning this (plan) to a couple of close associates...........(and) they hurriedly. ....(bury it deep) way down means deep anyway too wordy. ....enigma. I knew what
P7 monsters ( or any of those things that scare......)
P8 I have seen them up close and personal , ( with some of them becoming very good friends of mine and on curtains nights.... I too have been known to howl.
P8 (As I entered the room all I held in my hand was a crowbar)...... I approached the casket (that) was sitting their alone, your sentence suggest that you were sitting their alone. .......outer edges of the casket (to pry it open) or (while) prying
Mission (but growing .........moment, (trying) to ............baby boy ( however if he had been dead)........
( I reached down and picked up the baby......my hands cradled him gently......I thought for a tyke )....
P 9 (Suddenly on the baby, enormous fangs and claws appeared).. ..blood (and with my body........ I watched the baby crawl across the morgue floor........

P10 (stop it, and I was only his number eight victim.)
P11 (heavens, but when looking down on my grisly remains to my horror they were being......
P 12 on the ground (over )that hole ( not next to it usually the marble tablet is placed over the grave at the end ,not next to it?)
P 13
flames, ( I am to receive my sentence)
Forever you must shadow the demon you ( released ) loosed not sure if this a word?
....... You are to protect him and never allow any harm come to him. Should you fail this ( task) you.......

Slowly surveying the situation that I found myself in, swallowing hard I.....

if only I had not stuck my nose in ( to where) it did not belong

I hope I haven't either, but thought I would give some feedback on how I thought it might read know I may be taking a big risk however this sight is for comments and feedback so I hope that is Ok. I really liked the story line though. Cheers Christine








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 Comment Written 12-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015

Thanks for your comments. Have reworked parts of this story.