Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Humanity Project--Chapter 4: Oasis"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
31 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Paul
"Of course. The cause is noble, and none of us would (not be) alive if Leander had not intervened." - not sure (this) should be included = double negative
Otherwise good chapter - starting to get a sense of what the colony is all about
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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"Of course. The cause is noble, and none of us would (not be) alive if Leander had not intervened." - not sure (this) should be included = double negative
Otherwise good chapter - starting to get a sense of what the colony is all about
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Douglas. I have corrected the double negative. Several found that right away. I guess I had revised the line and forgot to clean it up. I appreciate your finding it, too! Many sets of eyes make for better literature.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
WOW! This city sounds gorgeous. I am wondering when or how Archie is going to come to realize it's not so easy to leave this city. You have a great story on your hands.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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WOW! This city sounds gorgeous. I am wondering when or how Archie is going to come to realize it's not so easy to leave this city. You have a great story on your hands.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Barbara. I think Archie has figured out something is amiss already, but it will get worse for him before it gets better.
I appreciate your kind comments, and your constant support.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
You have a great imagination Rhonda, it's funny, such a good idea, I remember the commune of the seventies,. Mind you I don't think this compares, just a thought. It looks like Archie has got himself "snaffled" Rhonda. Now beautiful Ayala has told him that he won't be able to leave, she infers that he might even die if he tries, well done, Rhonda, excellent story Blessings. Roy
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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You have a great imagination Rhonda, it's funny, such a good idea, I remember the commune of the seventies,. Mind you I don't think this compares, just a thought. It looks like Archie has got himself "snaffled" Rhonda. Now beautiful Ayala has told him that he won't be able to leave, she infers that he might even die if he tries, well done, Rhonda, excellent story Blessings. Roy
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Roy, and, yes, the village was first conceived about that time period, and thus the idea for it from popular communes at the time.
Thanks for the excellent review, which I always look forward to.
Have a great rest of your weekend, my friend!
Rhonda
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Aha I thought so, well done Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Very good chapter here Rhonda. Moving the plot forward very well and keeping it through the dialogue gives a very personal feel to it
Alayla held his arm for support - Ayala?
"Coyote House, has a better view - comma isn't necessary here.
"I'll have to hand your it to your developers - delete the first 'your' here.
mess with people's' freedom - don't need both apostrophes here.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Very good chapter here Rhonda. Moving the plot forward very well and keeping it through the dialogue gives a very personal feel to it
Alayla held his arm for support - Ayala?
"Coyote House, has a better view - comma isn't necessary here.
"I'll have to hand your it to your developers - delete the first 'your' here.
mess with people's' freedom - don't need both apostrophes here.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for your review, and for finding the Spag. A careful eye is a great gift. Thank you for sharing it with me.
All mess-ups fixed!
Rhonda
Comment from CEO2020
Another good chapter! I see you are allowing the continuation of your own style to lead you and that is making your story more interesting to me because you have a natural free-flowing rhythm to your writing.
Ex: "Archie let her lead him down the dusty path and up a hill outside a gate. His hand flew involuntarily to his mouth as he looked around the picturesque village. There, in the midst of cactus and sagebrush, was a quaint colorful town, resting like a delicate rose in the desert. He was filled with wonder as the fragrance of the garden he just left, mixed with the earthy smells of the charming village."
That is imagery, storytelling, and writing.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Another good chapter! I see you are allowing the continuation of your own style to lead you and that is making your story more interesting to me because you have a natural free-flowing rhythm to your writing.
Ex: "Archie let her lead him down the dusty path and up a hill outside a gate. His hand flew involuntarily to his mouth as he looked around the picturesque village. There, in the midst of cactus and sagebrush, was a quaint colorful town, resting like a delicate rose in the desert. He was filled with wonder as the fragrance of the garden he just left, mixed with the earthy smells of the charming village."
That is imagery, storytelling, and writing.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, my friend. I did, indeed, continue the technique of just letting it flow. Thanks for commenting on it, and giving specific examples.
Have a great weekend!
Rhonda
Comment from mbroyles2
Archie is definitely in a pickle.
On one hand he is marveled by his surroundings, then peeved that he can't leave.
You've done a great job describing the village and introducing us to the mysterious Leander.
Michael
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Archie is definitely in a pickle.
On one hand he is marveled by his surroundings, then peeved that he can't leave.
You've done a great job describing the village and introducing us to the mysterious Leander.
Michael
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your excellent review, Michael!
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Rhonda,
Another excellent chapter. Your descriptive narrative provided a good picture of the area where Archie is captive. You revealed necessary background information through dialogue - nice job with that. You are building the tension between Ben and his captor - I'm guessing this will erupt and there will be trouble, for sure.
I noticed a few spags.
how did I {get} manage to get stranded in the City of the Abandoned? (There is an extra 'get' in this part.)
Alayla held his arm (Ayala)
how do they do in the hot[,] dry air?" (Separate two or more adjectives with a comma that modify the same noun.)
Coyote House, has a better view of the village (You don't need the comma after Coyote House.)
"I'll have to hand {your} it to your developers - (Extra word 'your' in here.)
Very nice job with this chapter, Rhonda. Looking forward to the next installment.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Rhonda,
Another excellent chapter. Your descriptive narrative provided a good picture of the area where Archie is captive. You revealed necessary background information through dialogue - nice job with that. You are building the tension between Ben and his captor - I'm guessing this will erupt and there will be trouble, for sure.
I noticed a few spags.
how did I {get} manage to get stranded in the City of the Abandoned? (There is an extra 'get' in this part.)
Alayla held his arm (Ayala)
how do they do in the hot[,] dry air?" (Separate two or more adjectives with a comma that modify the same noun.)
Coyote House, has a better view of the village (You don't need the comma after Coyote House.)
"I'll have to hand {your} it to your developers - (Extra word 'your' in here.)
Very nice job with this chapter, Rhonda. Looking forward to the next installment.
Suzanne
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, Suzanne! I've fixed the mistakes, and hopefully gotten them all now. I'm glad the dialogue worked. Archie is definitely facing some conflict, and will do so for quite some time.
Thanks for finding the spag and alerting me to it!
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
In the whole vast expanse of the United States, how did I get manage to get stranded in the City of the Abandoned? - how did I (get) manage
Let the garden sooth your nerves." - sooth(e)
This is such a unique story, Rhonda. I like the descriptions of the gardens and that the houses all have animal names. Although, I think I'd rather stay in Coyote House over Tarantula house.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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In the whole vast expanse of the United States, how did I get manage to get stranded in the City of the Abandoned? - how did I (get) manage
Let the garden sooth your nerves." - sooth(e)
This is such a unique story, Rhonda. I like the descriptions of the gardens and that the houses all have animal names. Although, I think I'd rather stay in Coyote House over Tarantula house.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the excellent review, and wonderful comments!
Yes, Coyote House has to be better than a spider house. Later he'll get into the whole animal thing with her and bring that up. hahaha.
Thanks for the read and review, and for finding the spag!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from lyenochka
Conflict is fully established and I'm curious if Archie will ever get out or will he end up loving it in Hokee? There is a typo in the first paragraph with "Alayla" instead of "Ayala". In the garden, I wish for more information about what are the plants and what kind of fragrances. The sculpture is more fully described but I also appreciate the need to keep each chapter a certain length. Great plot progression!
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Conflict is fully established and I'm curious if Archie will ever get out or will he end up loving it in Hokee? There is a typo in the first paragraph with "Alayla" instead of "Ayala". In the garden, I wish for more information about what are the plants and what kind of fragrances. The sculpture is more fully described but I also appreciate the need to keep each chapter a certain length. Great plot progression!
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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You are so right on the plants, thanks for bringing that up. You are so right!! This would have been a wonderful time to bring that in. I'll try to work it in the next one. You're right on length and losing people after a bit when the chapter gets long, but a few words extra won't hurt.
Again, much thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from winnona
A well-written story chapter. I enjoyed this chapter. Your words flowed easily from beginning to end. Your added detail such as the gardens , wind generators and architectural designs of the buildings brought the story to life as I read it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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A well-written story chapter. I enjoyed this chapter. Your words flowed easily from beginning to end. Your added detail such as the gardens , wind generators and architectural designs of the buildings brought the story to life as I read it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much! It's a new world, so I figured detail was in order. Sometimes I forget it's necessary when the world is "normal" but you're right, it adds depth.
Take care,
Rhonda