Mental Floss
Should One Floss Daily?42 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, here goes my last six, but how could I not give you one. A very long story that could have been divided up , but you chose not to.
Chaunce was something very different. You and Barry got away with it as you were only boys after all. And then there was Audrey who only longed to be loved. A wonderful story. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Hi Jay, here goes my last six, but how could I not give you one. A very long story that could have been divided up , but you chose not to.
Chaunce was something very different. You and Barry got away with it as you were only boys after all. And then there was Audrey who only longed to be loved. A wonderful story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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That's humbling to receive one's last six. Thanks Ulla for that and your kind words.
Comment from Mastery
Goodm job on this non-fiction story, Jay. Your method of using phrases is outstanding writing. Like here:
"I wonder, now, about the honesty and the complexity of Barry's shrug and the nature of his silence that ensued, but back then I marveled that he didn't press me about my all-too-quick "no." Perhaps that accounted for my only slightly oblique change of subject."
It's a wonder nobody got in any trouble for having sex with a girl so young though. Risky and illegal, too. I say in a case like this CYA. (Cover your ass) Doesn't seem like Chaunce cared one way ot the other, actually.
I won't pick on spags with this one. It was a tad long and the interest in the story kept me from making notes. LOL...Take care, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Goodm job on this non-fiction story, Jay. Your method of using phrases is outstanding writing. Like here:
"I wonder, now, about the honesty and the complexity of Barry's shrug and the nature of his silence that ensued, but back then I marveled that he didn't press me about my all-too-quick "no." Perhaps that accounted for my only slightly oblique change of subject."
It's a wonder nobody got in any trouble for having sex with a girl so young though. Risky and illegal, too. I say in a case like this CYA. (Cover your ass) Doesn't seem like Chaunce cared one way ot the other, actually.
I won't pick on spags with this one. It was a tad long and the interest in the story kept me from making notes. LOL...Take care, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Many thanks, Bob. I'm always thrilled to get a positive review from you. Yes, it is long, but I couldn't post it in two or three parts since it's for a contest.
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Good Luck in the contest, Jay. Bob
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Thank you.
Comment from RGstar
'', cramming all Chaunce's insecurity into the obscene bulge of his chest, shoulders and arms, and thick ropes of muscle crawling over his thighs. At the time, I hadn't a clue that beneath all that muscle, a short, skinny man cried for acceptance''
The above , early on, shows the quality of thought within the scope of what is, for so is it quite a lot of the time.
Good to start with as much reality based as possible. Bravo.
A tiny bit long, Jay...might have split it up , yet if only one story, then understandable.
There are times when some are just born to write. You are of such.
When we read we relax, unless waiting or knowing one has to work with a text.
Not with you. Some are gifted in being able to write...with ease, as if relaying a film they are watching as it enfolds, no matter the subject matter.
You delved into the psyche of a place and time and the people entwined in everyday life, or an episode of it...and it couldn't have been told more cleanly.
Bravo, Jay.
You are one good writer. Where story is concerned, I have read about five author's in four years who has this. yet, being fair, I have not read all, but a fair amount.
Absolutely fantastic writing.
Grand job.
My best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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'', cramming all Chaunce's insecurity into the obscene bulge of his chest, shoulders and arms, and thick ropes of muscle crawling over his thighs. At the time, I hadn't a clue that beneath all that muscle, a short, skinny man cried for acceptance''
The above , early on, shows the quality of thought within the scope of what is, for so is it quite a lot of the time.
Good to start with as much reality based as possible. Bravo.
A tiny bit long, Jay...might have split it up , yet if only one story, then understandable.
There are times when some are just born to write. You are of such.
When we read we relax, unless waiting or knowing one has to work with a text.
Not with you. Some are gifted in being able to write...with ease, as if relaying a film they are watching as it enfolds, no matter the subject matter.
You delved into the psyche of a place and time and the people entwined in everyday life, or an episode of it...and it couldn't have been told more cleanly.
Bravo, Jay.
You are one good writer. Where story is concerned, I have read about five author's in four years who has this. yet, being fair, I have not read all, but a fair amount.
Absolutely fantastic writing.
Grand job.
My best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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RG, you are a gentleman whose brilliance as a poet makes this review all the more meaningful and cherished. I've always felt awful about the one-sided nature of our relationship. I find I am so UNhelpful in reviewing poetry; so I review very little. I recognize the depth and humanity of your poetry, though, and am charmed, cobra-like, in hearing your voice and the rich rendering of your poetry. So pardon me for accepting your kudos for my writing without offering my own for yours--though I do read them and sometimes come close to responding.
God Bless.
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Absolutely no appologies needed,Jy, for I know when you do respond, words, even if little, are easily imprinted as genuine...and much worth. have a great day, author.
Rg
Comment from Fridayauthor
glad to see you posting again, and with so good a piece.
A great story very well told. I guess you'll catch some flack about the length, but you write so well it doesn't get in the way of the read.
Just a picky little thing. I was five paragraphs into your story not knowing if the narrator was a male or female. The picture made me guess, incorrectly, that it was a female. Maybe a word or two earlier or using the, "We're earlier..." dialog as the opening line.
Are you going to send it to the site that published your story last year?
Great posting, Jay!
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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glad to see you posting again, and with so good a piece.
A great story very well told. I guess you'll catch some flack about the length, but you write so well it doesn't get in the way of the read.
Just a picky little thing. I was five paragraphs into your story not knowing if the narrator was a male or female. The picture made me guess, incorrectly, that it was a female. Maybe a word or two earlier or using the, "We're earlier..." dialog as the opening line.
Are you going to send it to the site that published your story last year?
Great posting, Jay!
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thanks so much, Ray, and a sixer! I never considered one wouldn't identify the "I" with me. Although that's a dangerous conclusion for a writer. Actually, since this is classed as Biography in the contest, I'm not going to concern myself with it, though I shall if I send it out. I hadn't really thought yet of submitting it. AGain, Thanks, Ray.
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I was so excited to see a posting from you I didn't wait to see it was a contest!
Sixes are well deserved, Jay.
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I was so excited to see a posting from you I didn't wait to see it was a contest!
Sixes are well deserved, Jay.
Comment from Heidi M
Deserves a six, of which I have none remaining.
This is an excellent story. Verbose? Yes, but worth every word. You did a wonderful job describing what happened, letting us understand thoughts, and taking us through events. I didn't think it was dark; it was honest.
I loved your ending. Skip everything else and go straight to the cookie!
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Deserves a six, of which I have none remaining.
This is an excellent story. Verbose? Yes, but worth every word. You did a wonderful job describing what happened, letting us understand thoughts, and taking us through events. I didn't think it was dark; it was honest.
I loved your ending. Skip everything else and go straight to the cookie!
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Heidi. I'll accept a virtual from you any day. Just glad you enjoyed it. Verbose, huh? LOL.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL!! That is a real boy's story, Jay, I could almost hear all this taking place. Chaunce was something else, and lucky he didn't get caught out, but you and Barry were boys and boys do these things, or at least pretend they do. Audrey, she really needed someone to love her, her mother wasn't exactly there for her so she looked where ever she could for love. I loved the ending, I guess I would go for the cookie too if a man of that age came looking! LOL! Well done and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra x
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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LOL!! That is a real boy's story, Jay, I could almost hear all this taking place. Chaunce was something else, and lucky he didn't get caught out, but you and Barry were boys and boys do these things, or at least pretend they do. Audrey, she really needed someone to love her, her mother wasn't exactly there for her so she looked where ever she could for love. I loved the ending, I guess I would go for the cookie too if a man of that age came looking! LOL! Well done and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra x
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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So sweet, Sandra. Your six is so generous. Glad you caught the intention of it. And, yes, Audrey was a sad case.
Comment from Stephendick24
It's good to know you're still out there. But it's not just that, you earned the six. Because you have credibility with me, I found myself reading more closely than I would had this been fiction. As a fiction writer, that bothers me a little, but that's ok. I liked the structure of this, the flashback from a few years, and then from many more. I didn't find it dark or disturbing, only natural. It would only have been dark and/or disturbing if there had been no internal conflict. Nothing is dark and disturbing to me if it is done well and is ultimately humane. Which reminds me, you should go see "Manchester By the Sea." I think you would love it.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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It's good to know you're still out there. But it's not just that, you earned the six. Because you have credibility with me, I found myself reading more closely than I would had this been fiction. As a fiction writer, that bothers me a little, but that's ok. I liked the structure of this, the flashback from a few years, and then from many more. I didn't find it dark or disturbing, only natural. It would only have been dark and/or disturbing if there had been no internal conflict. Nothing is dark and disturbing to me if it is done well and is ultimately humane. Which reminds me, you should go see "Manchester By the Sea." I think you would love it.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Ah, that movie's on my watching list. Will do. Thank you for the six, but more than that for your attention to detail. I've been missing your posts, Stephen. Are you doing some heavy editing? How's the counseling going?
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I'm revising what I have so I can get back in touch with the characters before writing the last part. I'll be back soon. Thanks for asking.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Truth be told, with over a half-century more under my belt, I am no closer to answering his question. But time does bend our memories weirdly. If, today, the voice of a seventy-three-year-old Audrey intoned behind me, "I think I know what you want," I'm pretty sure I would have the fortitude to offer this rejoinder:
"If it's all the same to you, my dear Audrey, I think I might just take the cookie ... without the foreplay."
Dark and disturbing is what I do I love that you were not afraid to go there and write this I really look forward to reading more of your work because this was brave and amazing. meia :)
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Truth be told, with over a half-century more under my belt, I am no closer to answering his question. But time does bend our memories weirdly. If, today, the voice of a seventy-three-year-old Audrey intoned behind me, "I think I know what you want," I'm pretty sure I would have the fortitude to offer this rejoinder:
"If it's all the same to you, my dear Audrey, I think I might just take the cookie ... without the foreplay."
Dark and disturbing is what I do I love that you were not afraid to go there and write this I really look forward to reading more of your work because this was brave and amazing. meia :)
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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You are so kind, Meia. I'm thrilled you got out of this what I wanted you to.
Comment from barkingdog
I only saw this as a boyhood memory.
Not at all dark. A bit risque but that's life.
You took me to the beach with your buddies and one crazy eleven-year-old.
I knew a girl like her whose mother was said to 'work' for a living. She was a bit loose, but we figured it didn't matter. It was just what she'd learned at home.
haha
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I got a kick out of your ending with the seventy-three-year-old Audrey.
She was either too young or too old.
Pass on both.
PASS the cookies. Please.
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It was a pleasure to read something from you again. Your vocabulary and descriptions shine as always.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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I only saw this as a boyhood memory.
Not at all dark. A bit risque but that's life.
You took me to the beach with your buddies and one crazy eleven-year-old.
I knew a girl like her whose mother was said to 'work' for a living. She was a bit loose, but we figured it didn't matter. It was just what she'd learned at home.
haha
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I got a kick out of your ending with the seventy-three-year-old Audrey.
She was either too young or too old.
Pass on both.
PASS the cookies. Please.
***
It was a pleasure to read something from you again. Your vocabulary and descriptions shine as always.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Ellen, for the sixer, and especially your kind words. I don't have much hope in the contest because of the length. I'm just thrilled you liked it. I have such respect for you.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
This six-star review has absolutely nothing to do with FS rating system or even cloaked in an on-going appreciation for your writing. This is a stand-alone accolade, withdrawn from my vault of dust-covered, rarely used celestial glitter.
Having taken quite a sabbatical from active participation on FS, coming back to read your post offered me a whole knew appreciation for the amount of sweat equity you put into your writing. This is truly a crafted story.
Few people on site understand story construction as well as you do, You took us on a journey. In literary contests, this style is referred to as creative non-fiction. It's more--much more. If I was teaching a class, I'd remark on the circular fashion, the way you unpeel the truth of the day in an action--and psychology--of the day, a boy's mind and preoccupation with sex. You move it to what, at first glance seems present day as you talk with your room mate, then take it, ever so gently, to a reflective memory from the real reality, the reflections of an older man.
Absolutely love the ending. The cookie--the truth about us seniors--foregoing the drama and angst--for a simple cookie, one of the small pleasures of life.
While reading this, I had an epiphany. We often learn by osmosis, I believe I learned how to layer in scenes and back stories from you--just by reading your stories. Or maybe not, but I certainly moved many miles up the road because of the influence of tour writing style.
You have an extremely well-developed sense of scene and characters. There's an old-fashioned (a good thing) patience in breathing life into stories. I would imagine torture for you would be to have an editor demand you cut 25% of the word count. Yes, you could, and someday may need to bleed, but what a treasure trove of jewels you would need to sacrifice! Every sentence in this story shows kid-glove adoration. Great job/ This should be the winner in this contest, for all the above reasons,. If its not--the panel on the committee needs vetting.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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This six-star review has absolutely nothing to do with FS rating system or even cloaked in an on-going appreciation for your writing. This is a stand-alone accolade, withdrawn from my vault of dust-covered, rarely used celestial glitter.
Having taken quite a sabbatical from active participation on FS, coming back to read your post offered me a whole knew appreciation for the amount of sweat equity you put into your writing. This is truly a crafted story.
Few people on site understand story construction as well as you do, You took us on a journey. In literary contests, this style is referred to as creative non-fiction. It's more--much more. If I was teaching a class, I'd remark on the circular fashion, the way you unpeel the truth of the day in an action--and psychology--of the day, a boy's mind and preoccupation with sex. You move it to what, at first glance seems present day as you talk with your room mate, then take it, ever so gently, to a reflective memory from the real reality, the reflections of an older man.
Absolutely love the ending. The cookie--the truth about us seniors--foregoing the drama and angst--for a simple cookie, one of the small pleasures of life.
While reading this, I had an epiphany. We often learn by osmosis, I believe I learned how to layer in scenes and back stories from you--just by reading your stories. Or maybe not, but I certainly moved many miles up the road because of the influence of tour writing style.
You have an extremely well-developed sense of scene and characters. There's an old-fashioned (a good thing) patience in breathing life into stories. I would imagine torture for you would be to have an editor demand you cut 25% of the word count. Yes, you could, and someday may need to bleed, but what a treasure trove of jewels you would need to sacrifice! Every sentence in this story shows kid-glove adoration. Great job/ This should be the winner in this contest, for all the above reasons,. If its not--the panel on the committee needs vetting.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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I wish I could bottle my "beam" for use when I'm down and out. You left me grinning, ear-to-ear, my dear, and reviewed this at a level to which only you can plumb. I mean that. Any writer who hasn't received your acute attention to detail on his/her post, can't possibly realize the value of this site (or of having your personal email address)! Bless you, Ingrid.
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My eyes are getting really bad. Wavy words. If I have typos, I certainly do know better, but don't have anxiety attacks in simple communication. Great story.