Kalinka's Last Bloom
A story about love in all its aspects.28 total reviews
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I have tears in my eyes! I can totally see this being made into a chick flick. I love chick flicks so you know I'd be right there watching it. You did a great job and I felt like I was part of it.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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I have tears in my eyes! I can totally see this being made into a chick flick. I love chick flicks so you know I'd be right there watching it. You did a great job and I felt like I was part of it.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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Wow how lovely. I cannot thank you enough for your high praise. It means an awful lot to me when my writing touches someone like this. Than you.
Comment from Miss Sherry
This is the most beautiful story and has stolen my heart. You told this in such a gentle way. I am so impressed by this - it should be published in a book. Thank you for bringing love into my morning with your tender words.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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This is the most beautiful story and has stolen my heart. You told this in such a gentle way. I am so impressed by this - it should be published in a book. Thank you for bringing love into my morning with your tender words.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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I am so happy that my story touched you and I appreciate your beautiful comments. Thank you.
Comment from phill doran
Hello to you Lordinajamar
I enjoyed your story. The characters are very strong and their dialogue is natural. The story itself has merit and it kept me engaged and interested.
In passing, I think you might tighten up the punctuation a little. Often seen as a small point, it is key to allowing the reader to understand the writer's emphasis and (in many cases) meaning, and crucially it creates the pace at which the story is to be read. In certain passages you sentences are quite long and the reader stumbles without the correct presentation;
"...She knew that Jack came to the same spot in the park every day(,) except for the coldest days of Winter since Alice had passed away(,) three years earlier. Alice was an old friend from his school days(,) he had told her. They became reacquainted after their long time partners had passed away. They were just old friends(,) he said(,) that's all. The Lilac Bush had not flowered since that day three years ago(,) and Jack always tended it with extra water from his flask and food pellets he bought from the nursery...."
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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Hello to you Lordinajamar
I enjoyed your story. The characters are very strong and their dialogue is natural. The story itself has merit and it kept me engaged and interested.
In passing, I think you might tighten up the punctuation a little. Often seen as a small point, it is key to allowing the reader to understand the writer's emphasis and (in many cases) meaning, and crucially it creates the pace at which the story is to be read. In certain passages you sentences are quite long and the reader stumbles without the correct presentation;
"...She knew that Jack came to the same spot in the park every day(,) except for the coldest days of Winter since Alice had passed away(,) three years earlier. Alice was an old friend from his school days(,) he had told her. They became reacquainted after their long time partners had passed away. They were just old friends(,) he said(,) that's all. The Lilac Bush had not flowered since that day three years ago(,) and Jack always tended it with extra water from his flask and food pellets he bought from the nursery...."
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 23-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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Thank you Phil for taking the time and effort to point out the shortcomings. Thanks to your comments, and those of several other members, I have been made aware of my weakness in skipping punctuation. I will work on this. Thanks again.
Comment from giraffmang
I enjoyed this piece, although it was pretty telegraphed from the off. the characterisation was solid and the dialogue worked well.
Few things I noted as I read through-
hung out of his slobbering smiling mouth. - maybe separate the descriptors with a comma.
"Kalinka Kalinka!" The old man shouted raising his arms and moving back and forth like - the, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. Also insert a comma after shouted. (there are more instances of this kind of thing)
Some of your sentences are quite long - for example, As he sat down Patches ran to him and jumped up onto the bench beside him nuzzling his head into the old man's lap letting out a concerned whimper. - and could do with some additional punctuation such as commas.
stroked the concerned young dogs head. - dog's.
There are also patches where you rely on adverbs. These tend to come in small clusters which makes them stand out.
and like a canine nurse Patches calmly stayed by the old man's side - perhaps insert commas either side of 'like a canine nurse'.
"Ha ha of course I am Peter" the old man replied.- need a comma before the closing speech marks here.
watching the dog Paula a young shy girl around Peter's age - watching the dog Paula, a young shy girl around Peter's age,
Recheck around your dialogue for missing punctuation. there should always be some form before the closing speech marks.
Sometimes you capitalise certain words and sometimes not, Lilac Bush for example. best to stick to one presentation, although most of the capitalisation isn't strictly necessary.
Its called Once and I can't go but I want you two to go see it for me - It's.
Its playing tonight and I want you two to tell me all about it tomorrow. - It's.
Each held the others hand and neither one wantedy. - other's.
Jack laughed as the disappeared out of sight. - as he.
"Am I just a romantic old fool Alice he asked looking to the sky? Pity we didn't meet an old man on a bench when we were young."- the question mark should come after Alice. 'he asked, looking to the sky' isn't part of the dialogue and shouldn't be inside the speech marks. you need to close them and then reopen.
Suddenly Patches ears pricked up and he ran to the- Patches'.
"Kalinka. Kalinka" as they tightly held each others hands and stared - other's.
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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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I enjoyed this piece, although it was pretty telegraphed from the off. the characterisation was solid and the dialogue worked well.
Few things I noted as I read through-
hung out of his slobbering smiling mouth. - maybe separate the descriptors with a comma.
"Kalinka Kalinka!" The old man shouted raising his arms and moving back and forth like - the, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. Also insert a comma after shouted. (there are more instances of this kind of thing)
Some of your sentences are quite long - for example, As he sat down Patches ran to him and jumped up onto the bench beside him nuzzling his head into the old man's lap letting out a concerned whimper. - and could do with some additional punctuation such as commas.
stroked the concerned young dogs head. - dog's.
There are also patches where you rely on adverbs. These tend to come in small clusters which makes them stand out.
and like a canine nurse Patches calmly stayed by the old man's side - perhaps insert commas either side of 'like a canine nurse'.
"Ha ha of course I am Peter" the old man replied.- need a comma before the closing speech marks here.
watching the dog Paula a young shy girl around Peter's age - watching the dog Paula, a young shy girl around Peter's age,
Recheck around your dialogue for missing punctuation. there should always be some form before the closing speech marks.
Sometimes you capitalise certain words and sometimes not, Lilac Bush for example. best to stick to one presentation, although most of the capitalisation isn't strictly necessary.
Its called Once and I can't go but I want you two to go see it for me - It's.
Its playing tonight and I want you two to tell me all about it tomorrow. - It's.
Each held the others hand and neither one wantedy. - other's.
Jack laughed as the disappeared out of sight. - as he.
"Am I just a romantic old fool Alice he asked looking to the sky? Pity we didn't meet an old man on a bench when we were young."- the question mark should come after Alice. 'he asked, looking to the sky' isn't part of the dialogue and shouldn't be inside the speech marks. you need to close them and then reopen.
Suddenly Patches ears pricked up and he ran to the- Patches'.
"Kalinka. Kalinka" as they tightly held each others hands and stared - other's.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2019
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Oh giraffmang how well you caught me out. I appreciate the time you put in to review my work. You are quite right of course. You might have added that I was sloppy and lazy for that's a truth. I stitched this piece together quickly and did not make time to review it. Your comments are a timely reminder at the beginning of my serious writing journey of my need to pause and take stock before posting the finished product. Thank you I am in your debt.
Comment from Joanna S. Blue
This is a very affecting depiction of love. Most touching is the love between Jack and his dog Patches. Jack is a wonderful character whose life has been filled with love. His involvement in bringing his young friends together is very charming. And he leaves them with a rich legacy---sadness, grief, joy, and magic.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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This is a very affecting depiction of love. Most touching is the love between Jack and his dog Patches. Jack is a wonderful character whose life has been filled with love. His involvement in bringing his young friends together is very charming. And he leaves them with a rich legacy---sadness, grief, joy, and magic.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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Oh my goodness I am so overjoyed by your generous praise. You completely and utterly described exactly the heart and the soul essence I was trying ti convey to my readers. Thank you so much.
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Thank you for your kind words. I hope that some day I can develop a story with the subtlety and depth that you achieve.
Comment from Randa Dayle
Very touching story. But, really it kind of has a happy ending...the man goes one, the couple is happy, the dog gets a wonderful home. I enjoyed how it was written, and feel that it was well done!
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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Very touching story. But, really it kind of has a happy ending...the man goes one, the couple is happy, the dog gets a wonderful home. I enjoyed how it was written, and feel that it was well done!
Comment Written 22-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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Thank you Randa for your thoughtful and generous comments. I feel like you really got what I was trying to express.
Comment from 24chas
This was a good read, Lordinajamjar. The story had a good flow to it. I liked the characters as well. The beginning of the story really grabbed my attention and kept it until the end.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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This was a good read, Lordinajamjar. The story had a good flow to it. I liked the characters as well. The beginning of the story really grabbed my attention and kept it until the end.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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Thank you 24chas your positive feedback is very much appreciated.
Comment from Chris Davies
You've captured so much emotion in your short story. It's very well done. A bittersweet ending always brings a tear to my eyes. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed your work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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You've captured so much emotion in your short story. It's very well done. A bittersweet ending always brings a tear to my eyes. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed your work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much Chris. My very first entry and my first review. Very much appreciated.
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You'll earn lots more wonderful reviews! My pleasure. - Chris