Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Hmm, you gave some "common knowledge" information about Emma. (Not sure she behaves like the crack babies I've seen, but ok.) The writing is sound and error free from what I could see. I think all the conversations felt natural in tone, and fits with your style.

notes:

"What do I hold onto?"

-are you sure about this segment? Emma may have never ridden before, but unless she grew up in a cave (with Tv, books, or net), she's seen it and would understand at her age.

"I had a bad day and took a few things said and verbally attacked her with them."

- Just my unsolicited opinion, but I didn't see it that way, and I'm most male readers won't either. Are sure you're not making Seth seem like a simp here? I don't think a man Seth's age would say the things he does here. You've explain Emma being a bubble girl, no seduction, old lady clothes, and scary innocent. But, then that begs the question. Given all those red flags, why would Seth (or any sane man) be interested or pursue Emma? She literally does nothing for a man nor gives anything to a man. So why?

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Some men are out for more than just sex. I know that may be foreign to you, but there are some men out there who see women other than for sex. Thank you for the kind review.

reply by lancellot on 16-Jul-2023

I do not mean sex. Though, I knew that is where you would go. If your story is female oriented. That's fine. But, I only meant about relationships in a balanced sense. In your stories, your male MC does a lot to protect and help your female MC in many ways and through every issue they face. They are sort of white knights: selfless, brave, handsome, understanding, patient, caring, and morally upstanding (they even have a dog as their BF). They like, then love the female MCs. But why? The female MC are never shown to "improve" the life of the males. The give nothing, the don't help (true the males don't usually have problems) in their lives. The women are shy, pure, innocent, reserved, matronly. But, we are always told the male MC loves them, but never why. Everything male related isn't about sex, but the males are human too. This is romance, but what romance is shown to the men? That's all I meant. This is not an insult or an attack.

Is that not understandable?

reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

I have written stories were the female has the dogs, and are strong and do many things for the males. For instance, the one about St. Louis. Mac was a private investigator. Logan didn't own a dog. In my Confederate Soldier book, Paige had the dog and she was a strong lady, Cash had not dog and was a construction worker. Under Seige, Soni owned a huge ranch, she owned the dog. Him didn't and she helped him often. I could continue with evidence if you want me too. I guess, I fail to see a valid point, and I often feel, although you may read my posts, I seriously doubt you read for purpose for would have a better understanding of the stories.

reply by lancellot on 16-Jul-2023

I read your stories because you have talent. But I do think you self-insert a lot. And in this story, I honestly haven't seen why Seth would want Emma. I am recommending you show that. Don't you think a reader would start to wonder by now?

I only mention things to help, that seem missing in romance (and not sex) Normal things that aren't there.

The things I mention to you. I mention to everyone I review. Even the other top novelists. Just look at the reviews, you will see.

reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

I honestly haven't seen why Seth would want Emma. You also said this about my previous novel. I think Emma shows a lot of qualities would be interested in. She's smart, talented, sweet, generous, fun, just to name a few.

reply by lancellot on 16-Jul-2023

Yes, Emma has the same characteristics as Alexandra, and Katherine. And Seth, the same as Cord, and Coach. They are the pinnacle of good people, without significant negatives.

But who would want to date a nun or a priest? The question is: What does Emma do for Seth? She is a woman. (not sex, there other things besides that. Really there are.) but as a woman, what has she done to show a womanly interest in Seth? What is she offering Seth?

Emma is smart, talented, generous, sweet, but how does she apply those things to "Win" Seth to her?

This is romance. In what way has Emma "romanced" Seth? Even Peggy, who we are told likes Seth, hasn't even baked him a pie, shown some leg, batted her eyelashes, asked him to lunch, sent a flirtatious text, sent him a greeting card, a flower, spritzed on some perfume for him, given a gift, wore tight jeans in front of him... nothing. Seth is a man, right?

Do you see? Normal things.

reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Peggy has invited Seth to have dinner for her and shows up at his office daily. Emma has cooked for Seth and they spend time together, she's baked his favorite pasteries, she give him extra coffee. I feel they do normal things.

reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

I also need to add all the times Emma touched Seth's arm, helped with the sunburn, things like that.

reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

I also need to add all the times Emma touched Seth's arm, helped with the sunburn, things like that.

reply by lancellot on 16-Jul-2023

Yes, but you made it clear that Emma is generous to everyone. She dances with old ladies, reads to children and rescues cats from trees. She hasn't done anything for Seth, that she wouldn't do for anyone.

Comment from Ulla

Exceptional

That Peggy is really bad news. She won't take no for a no and will use all the tricks under the moon
A middle ages waitress, Janie(,) came to their table.
A great chapter, Barbara. Ulla xx

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Thank you for this kind review. Yes, Peggy is not a good person.

Comment from GWHARGIS

Excellent

That dang Peggy. I guess I have known one or two like her. She is in it to win it and doesn't care who she hurts. In this chapter I saw Seth's big brother side. He was patient and caring. This was a nice peek into the other side of Seth. Gretchen

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

He is a big brother who helps raise his sister when their parents died. She's the same age as Emma, hence the relationship problem. Thank you for the kind review.

Comment from nomi338

Excellent

Peggy Barton is headed for a big let down. What she does not realize is how foolish she will look to have been defeated by someone she feels is inferior to her. She doers not recognize the difference between cheap, slutty displays, and natural unforced beauty.

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Nope, Peggy doesn't. I glad you caught that. I was going for it and wasn't sure it was coming out. Thank you for the kind review.

reply by nomi338 on 16-Jul-2023

I encountered my fair share of Peggy Baton types in my days as a single man. I was not impressed by any of them.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

I'm glad that the thinking spot became a talking and listening spot. I like how you showed Emma's changing emotions on how much she held on to Seth while riding.

I'll use the lady's room (ladies')
made about my innocents. (innocence)

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Thank you for the catches. For some reason, I missed at lot with this post. Now sure why. I appreciate the help.

Comment from damommy

Excellent

I knew it! That Peggy is out for blood. I wonder who the women were in the restroom making those remarks. I think they knew it was Emma in there and meant for her to hear their remarks.

- "Laughter and comments were made about my [innocence] ?

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 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Thank you for the kind review and the catch. It's been corrected.

Comment from Paul McFarland

Excellent

Very nice chapter, Barb. Things are moving along quite nicely. I thought we were going to have that first kiss, but maybe a little later. "innocents" should be "innocence".

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Thank you for the kind review and the catch. It's been corrected. That kiss will happen all in good time.

Comment from Ben Colder

Exceptional

Must admit this sounds as if my days as a young teenager and the girls. The Harlees were alright, but I was partial to the INDIAN. 74 SIZES. Good one Barb. Looking toward the day of wedding bells.

 Comment Written 16-Jul-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023

Wedding bells will still be a long way off. LOL Thank you for the kind review.